What to expect in a trial with a BPD? (Child matters)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As someone who has been on the receiving end of this kind of action (uN/BPDstbx stopping all contact unilaterally, going to court to get an ex parte motion to deny parenting), I urge you to think carefully about it before you do it.

In our case, my SO did yell at SS. He contacted his mother who swooped in and "rescued" him from our home. She refused any contact with us for a month.  She took him down to file an order of protection against his own father and used the therapist to try to get all parenting time stopped. It was contagious and SS was unable to stand up to her. To some degree, I think he WAS upset with his father and a little anxious about coming back over and dealing with the fall-out of the incident that happened. But that doesn't mean he wanted it all stopped.

If you stop him from seeing his dad, he is only going to get more frightened and it will only be harder to go back. I understand that what your ex did scared him, but this is an extreme reaction, IMO, much like SO's stbxw did.

JMHO. There may be middle ground.

Good point. In my case, N/BPDx was having some kind of manic episode that he is having a hard time explaining away. My L was behind me 100% in stopping all overnights and the emergency motion was the responsible thing to do. So there is definitely a middle ground, a low, and a high in these kinds of situations.

But it's good to know that it is a tool you can use if you need it. Not easy to gauge the best time to use it, but it's there.

[livednlearned]

As someone who has been on the receiving end of this kind of action (uN/BPDstbx stopping all contact unilaterally, going to court to get an ex parte motion to deny parenting), I urge you to think carefully about it before you do it.

In our case, my SO did yell at SS. He contacted his mother who swooped in and "rescued" him from our home. She refused any contact with us for a month.  She took him down to file an order of protection against his own father and used the therapist to try to get all parenting time stopped. It was contagious and SS was unable to stand up to her. To some degree, I think he WAS upset with his father and a little anxious about coming back over and dealing with the fall-out of the incident that happened. But that doesn't mean he wanted it all stopped.

If you stop him from seeing his dad, he is only going to get more frightened and it will only be harder to go back. I understand that what your ex did scared him, but this is an extreme reaction, IMO, much like SO's stbxw did.

JMHO. There may be middle ground.

Good point. In my case, N/BPDx was having some kind of manic episode that he is having a hard time explaining away. My L was behind me 100% in stopping all overnights and the emergency motion was the responsible thing to do. So there is definitely a middle ground, a low, and a high in these kinds of situations.

But it's good to know that it is a tool you can use if you need it. Not easy to gauge the best time to use it, but it's there.

[dusk]

Believe me, I don't want to stop contact but my son has never said he's scared in all his life. Now he says it 10 times a day. If I send him back there will he think I failed him too?

He told me last night that he'll give dad one more chance... He said he

He said he will try to go back to his dads... I said we'll talk to this person about it (psychologist). He said, 'I'll give him one more chance... .  I can deal with it, I'll be brave. God will look after me'. :-(

I wished this boy never had to experience this. I want him to feel love from both of his parents... Even if its not real love from one of them.

He has no one else there to protect him. No one to help him. It's him and his dad only. He can't even call anyone if he's terrorised again.

I haven't spoken to my lawyer yet so I still don't know what to do... .  

[Matt]

What about getting a counselor involved, first to talk with your son alone - maybe a few times - and then when your son is ready, to include his dad too.

The idea would be to help them heal what's broken.  Not to "fix" his dad - that won't happen without individual therapy.  But to help them work out how they can be around each other safely.

That might be a condition of further contact.

[dusk]

Tog, I understand what you are saying... .  But your SO is not a BPD, his ex is right?

So I think it's a bit different when I'm sending my son to a crazy enraged BPD. He hates me more than he loves his son. He has scared the life out of this boy. No one should have to put up with a BPD's raging... .  Especially a defenceless 7yo boy.

I really don't want to stop all contact, I just want my son to feel safe.

[dusk]

What about getting a counselor involved, first to talk with your son alone - maybe a few times - and then when your son is ready, to include his dad too.

The idea would be to help them heal what's broken.  Not to "fix" his dad - that won't happen without individual therapy.  But to help them work out how they can be around each other safely.

That might be a condition of further contact.

That's a good idea. I will talk to this psychologist about it today.

[tog]

Tog, I understand what you are saying... .  But your SO is not a BPD, his ex is right?

So I think it's a bit different when I'm sending my son to a crazy enraged BPD. He hates me more than he loves his son. He has scared the life out of this boy. No one should have to put up with a BPD's raging... .  Especially a defenceless 7yo boy.

I really don't want to stop all contact, I just want my son to feel safe.

No, he's not. But that's how she portrayed him and she kept SS away for a month. And she claimed my SO "scared the life out of of SS" too. Just be cautious. You can influence your S against his father even not meaning to. How about someone S trusts to be there for a few hours and have him go see his Dad?