Not sure what is going on now, maybe someone can help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Me and my uBPD partner are for the most part not together. I no longer live with him, but he wanted to work things out shortly after I moved out. I agreed and things went rather well until the pushing started happening again. I tried to end it before it even happened. I could not go through that anymore. We had very little contact for the last 2 months until 2 days before my trip to Mexico. He begged me to come see him before I left. I did. I was only gone one week and it was for my daughters wedding. While I was gone I received text messages insinuating that I was messing around while I was there. I am not like that and he knows it. I was always faithful to him while we were together and although I did go on a few dates, in which I told him, it was perfectly harmless. The only reason I went on these dates is because he told me to. I realized I was not ready. Since I returned from my trip a couple days ago, he wanted to see me right away. I did. Now again, I am getting remarks from him about being with other men. I told him I am working a 12 hour shift tomorrow and he replied, good it will keep you out of trouble. I just don't understand why he is doing this. We are not even together. Is he pushing me away again already?

[benny2]

Me and my uBPD partner are for the most part not together. I no longer live with him, but he wanted to work things out shortly after I moved out. I agreed and things went rather well until the pushing started happening again. I tried to end it before it even happened. I could not go through that anymore. We had very little contact for the last 2 months until 2 days before my trip to Mexico. He begged me to come see him before I left. I did. I was only gone one week and it was for my daughters wedding. While I was gone I received text messages insinuating that I was messing around while I was there. I am not like that and he knows it. I was always faithful to him while we were together and although I did go on a few dates, in which I told him, it was perfectly harmless. The only reason I went on these dates is because he told me to. I realized I was not ready. Since I returned from my trip a couple days ago, he wanted to see me right away. I did. Now again, I am getting remarks from him about being with other men. I told him I am working a 12 hour shift tomorrow and he replied, good it will keep you out of trouble. I just don't understand why he is doing this. We are not even together. Is he pushing me away again already?

[Clearmind]

diane22121, does this strike you as controlling?

[lockedout]

All he saw in you was someone to control. When you moved out he wanted to get back together to regain it. He didn't like the whole Mexico thing because he can't control you from down there; and I hope you didn't abstain from messing around on his account. More on this later. This is someone who has very little understanding of love - they see their ability to control you ie keep you honest, keeping you faithful, keeping you from leaving them. If you weren't prone to running around on other men, he wouldn't have to badger and control you.  Having a sense of accomplishment because you stay with them but not caring that it's out of fear of the repercussions of detachment. That's his twisted view of the world.

If you are ending the relationship and as long as you don't have kids, job, business, etc together, you need to work on detachment. He should know nothing about who you are seeing or when you are seeing them. It's none of his business. If you have Facebook, unfriend him. Change the passwords on everything. Don't assume he doesn't know them. Don't give him validation by arguing your points or denying what you're doing. You are only strengthening his resolve to "win". You need to sever ties. Consider a "safe house" while you do this so he can't find you, possibly a new phone number. Restraining order if that doesn't work. He will not take it well.

If you are considering giving into his attempts at reconciling just know that it won't get better. You should not even think of it until he actually admits that he has issues with jealousy and control; both are OK to have if he's willing to confront and work on them and progress should be a requirement for your consideration. BUT the part of him being completely unwilling to work on them or even admit to them followed by gaslighting you and making you out to be the reason for it is the unnatural pathology you are likely dealing with. There is also no such thing as "harmless" dating. In a healthy relationship it's unacceptable to either engage in it or condone it.

About messing around: If you don't have a ring on your left hand it's none of his business if you did nor should you feel guilty for it. It may actually be therapeutic on a certain level: experiencing intimacy that isn't being used as a weapon against me has certainly hasn't done any harm. You have already been judged enough and you are likely not ready to pursue a new relationship so you have no reason to care what people, especially him, think about you. All this as long as sound judgment and moderation are kept in practice.

[benny2]

Yes I do agree that control is part of the issue, however, when I chose to date it was because he had painted me black and put me out of his life. He told me to move on and to date others so I did, but I did it for the wrong reason. I thought maybe it would help me through the detachment. I have not chosen to be faithful to him. I am just not the kind of person to mess around for the hec of it. I made it clear to him that if I find someone else he will be the first to know. I think right now its more of the fact that he may be losing one of his backups more than anything. He is calling me all the time now but keeping things very low key, by not involving his family or anyone to the fact that we are talking again. This tells me that he is not serious about working anything out between us. I also think he is so mixed up about his feelings that he does not know what to do. I do believe he cares for me, but he is not ready to make a commitment and he knows I want a committed relationship. I know there is little hope here because to much damage has been done and even if he did make a commitment to me, I could never hold him to it.

[Clearmind]

diane, there is no problem in dating to help you move on. Dating is a process of meeting new people, learning new communication skills along the way, learning new things from others.

It is possible that he is fearing a lost attachment and you are right he is most likely very mixed up about his feelings. BPDs do love however its the fear of abandonment mixed with the fear of intimacy and engulfment that halts any true love r/s - the type of relationship we may want.

It gets down to the question of whether we want this, can we live with BPD - and being mindful that our partners may never 'see the light' - and if so we need to radically accept this to be the case. If we reconcile with the hope of therapy or that they will get better - it maybe time to reassess what our expectations are and whether we are actively trying to change our partners into something they are not or something they cannot provide.

Your partner has limitations in many areas - especially emotionally.

You want a committed r/s that is healthy - kudos to you and so do I - what does that look like for you?