Devaluing 101?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I need to know.  With a pwBPD, is it possible to stop the devaluing of oneself and the idolization of a third party? 

[Scott44]

I need to know.  With a pwBPD, is it possible to stop the devaluing of oneself and the idolization of a third party? 

[trevjim]

Been there, tried everything and failed (turns out failure was a good thing as she has now moved on and left me alone)

[recoil]

I'm no expert but I don't think this is possible.

[seeking balance]

I need to know.  With a pwBPD, is it possible to stop the devaluing of oneself and the idolization of a third party? 

Specifically - what exactly are you asking -  do they stop using this as a coping tool to some emotional crisis?

[patientandclear]

You can't control the actions and feelings of another person.  Simple, but profound truth.

The basic cycle of idealization and devaluation is inherent in BPD.  Knowing that, one can react in ways that are more or less harmful to oneself and the pwBPD, but that doesn't mean you can prevent their feelings from changing rapidly and for no reason apparent to you.  Their feelings change because things are good.  Their feelings change because you are momentarily remote.  Their feelings change because you are momentarily overly interested in their feelings.  ... .  There is no way to act that avoids their feelings suddenly shifting.  If they are aware of their emotional patterns (and this seems extraordinarily rare), they might be able to retain some ability to sit through the shift, knowing it isn't permanent.  My uBPDex is just learning that, it seems, but that doesn't mean he doesn't devalue me.  It means he waits through that, doesn't write or say some highly destructive thing, and reaches out again when things feel better for him.

That's pretty good around here.  And that's why we can't be in a routine relationship -- I couldn't come home to that happening & he couldn't deal with my coming home to it.

The intense fear of being alone drives the idealization of a new person.  I suspect you know this already from reading around here, but don't want to accept that it is necessarily true.  Except for a very very few pwBPD written about around here, it seems nearly universally true.  So no, it's not avoidable by something you can do.  Greater self-awareness on the part of the person pBPD could allow a very brave such person to not reach for the comforting new thing.  Again, very rare around here.  My uBPDex is currently trying to be alone (I think).  He relies on me, hard at times, and no doubt, on others, though he isn't in a romantic r/s right now so that takes some of the incendiary quality off of these connections.  When we let him down, he waits till he feels better, then tries again.  Point is, even he isn't really being alone, he's found substitutes for romantic relationships to help him along (not criticizing him here).  So, turning to other people when the current person fails to be all-satisfying -- no, I don't think there is any way to "stop" it short of incredible self-awareness & self-discipline on the part of the pwBPD.

[Scott44]

Thanks for the replies.  I was thinking that if I had committed myself to a psych. hospital and explained that is was due to her devaluing me and idealizing someone new maybe she would stop the pattern?

[seeking balance]

Thanks for the replies.  I was thinking that if I had committed myself to a psych. hospital and explained that is was due to her devaluing me and idealizing someone new maybe she would stop the pattern?

ummm... .  what do you think the psych hospital might say about YOU that you would considering voluntarily locking yourself up to prove a point to your ex?

[Scott44]

It actually wouldn't to prove a point.  My ex really made me feel depressed enough to commit myself.  And if I had done this, could it have brought her back to me?  I did end up in the hospital anyway but not until AFTER our separation.

[seeking balance]

It actually wouldn't to prove a point.  My ex really made me feel depressed enough to commit myself.  And if I had done this, could it have brought her back to me?  I did end up in the hospital anyway but not until AFTER our separation.

I am confused, my apologies... .  are you saying that you went into the hospital after your separation for depression?

Is your question if you would have gone before the breakup would you ex have stayed with you?  Do you see this might be seen to some that you would be attempting to manipulate her by your actions?

[Scott44]

Yes I can see how that might seem manipulative to some.  I did end up in the hospital after the separation - twice in fact - for depression and anxiety from the r/s and its loss.  My ex doesn't even know about my 2nd stay in the hospital - I just really needed to recover a bit from paralyzing depression.  And yes I do wonder if the hospitalization had occurred prior to the separation whether she would have taken a look at her behaviour towards me.  Not necessarily stayed with me but at least not blame the whole thing on me

[seeking balance]

And yes I do wonder if the hospitalization had occurred prior to the separation whether she would have taken a look at her behaviour towards me.  Not necessarily stayed with me but at least not blame the whole thing on me

No, unfortunately, not.  The thing is the shame or pain caused will be coped with mainly by a coping tool that has worked for her in the past - projection, new relationship, splitting, etc. - none of which are going to allow her to realize the effect on you... .  she is not capable of this.

In these relationships, rarely is there anything we can do to change the outcomes - this is a complex disorder that exists basically to deny itself.

I know it hurts when they don't see how much they literally destroy someone who only wants to love them and see them happy... .  holding onto the hope that somehow you could have changed the outcome is simply being in the denial phase of grief... .  it is hard when relationships end and even harder when we are blamed.

Do you still see a T to help you with your grief?

[Scott44]

Thank you seeking balance.  I have a psychiatrist with whom I can speak about once a week.  I had a social worker who was really good but her office is right next to where I used to live with my wife and I find that going back there triggers me quite badly.  This T, however, tried to explain to me that at a certain point in our r/s, my ex wife actually stopped seeing me as a person and saw me instead as someone who could do things for her.  When she found a female friend who could fulfill many of "my" tasks, I was no longer "necessary".