Ruminating about her... now... r u kidding me?

[stoic83]

Hey guys,

I have been thinking about FOO issues, and my own issues for the past month... .  whereas normally I would have been ruminating about her. Now all of a sudden I am looking back and seeing all of these times where I messed up in the rs... .  and I am starting to see my actions in a more objective light... .  and I am feeling like I may have screwed up more than her... .  granted she replasped on alcohol, threatened to kill me, threated to file false allegations against me, tried to blackmail me, took a shower with an older woman in my/our place while she was drunk.

Haha... .  I am so silly. Looking to escape this pain somehow... .  this pain of blaming myself for the ridiculousness of this bull~ relationship... .  it's so delusional. Sucks. I am imagining her right now without a care in the world, while I am here suffering, spirtually wounded, missing the other half of who i thought she was (the white)... .  she was actually being more grey... .  i would knock myself off the pedestal immediately during her idealization phase and I think that helped... .  well maybe not SWOE tells you not to do that, but I thought if i could limit her idealization of me, it would limit the devalue as well... .  over time if her peaks and valleys of idealization/devaluation were much smaller... .  then her behavior wouldn't be over the top... .  thats almost like a normal rs! Haha... time to untwist my thinking, right?

[Suzn]

Stoic playing that game of "if I would have done this... she would have done that" can be never ending. There is no way to know what her reaction would have been, what if it would have gone worse than it did? What if what you're imagining is totally opposite of what's really going on with her?

I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I so understand feeling like it was a bs r/s. I'd like to give you food for thought.  You are thinking back on FOO issues AND you are seeing your own behaviors in a more objective light. When have you done this previous to this r/s? This is emotional growth taking place. The pain you're feeling will pass, feel it all the way through to the other side. The difference between you and her is you can do this, you are doing it. You are appropriately feeling the pain of a breakup, something a pwBPD is incapable of doing. Instead they seem as though they don't have a care in the world and use destructive coping skills. How are you coping? What are you doing for you?

The benefit of this is that in the future you will have stronger boundaries to protect yourself and the objectivity to notice your behaviors in a new r/s. You are farther along that you think you are, however this is a marathon not a sprint.

time to untwist my thinking, right?

There's no time like the present.    

[stoic83]

How are you coping? What are you doing for you?

1)I am posting here almost daily.

2)Starting to take personal inventory.

3)Quitting my unhealthy coping mechanism of smoking weed.

4)Learning from you and the other advisers and being present and non-defensive in reading your words.

5)Expressing my emotions and looking for new ways of thinking about things.

6)Being more assertive about my boundaries... .  coming off as aggressive, but eventually will balance out.

7)Focusing on being more proactive and less reactive in solving my problems.

8)Trying to look for the positive.

Thanks suzn. This was a very helpful response. Thanks for empowering me and supporting me in my positive changes:)

[Suzn]

What you're working on is all good stuff stoic. It seems you may be saturating a little on the information you have learned. I did that. It can become a little overwhelming. We need a balance. Focusing on self care, eating, sleeping, getting some exercise, finding something you enjoy like a movie out, are all basics to help you give your mind a break. Thats being kind to you. Understanding this processing is work, we all need a break now and then from the work.

Take good care of you. 

[afterdeath]

Stoic: What if you had done everything perfectly and she still left you?

What if you did it right until she continuously pushed you until you finally messed up ONCE?

This is my thought process, the point is, no matter what you did, she still would've made you out to be the bad guy because you're old news.

You could have been perfect but in her eyes you'd be stale and boring.

You never would of won and it's only a matter of time until the rinse repeat cycle starts again with someone anew.

These people are the ones who need to inspect their inner self and work on who they are to grow and change, which they ultimately can not do:as quoted from my ex:"I can not change who I am and what makes me unhappy". Sad their inability to change.

She doesn't even know what makes her unhappy either as that story constantly changed. Impossible to please, they are just looking for a way out by devaluing you.

[stoic83]

Stoic: What if you had done everything perfectly and she still left you?

What if you did it right until she continuously pushed you until you finally messed up ONCE?

This is my thought process, the point is, no matter what you did, she still would've made you out to be the bad guy because you're old news.

You could have been perfect but in her eyes you'd be stale and boring.

You never would of won and it's only a matter of time until the rinse repeat cycle starts again with someone anew.

These people are the ones who need to inspect their inner self and work on who they are to grow and change, which they ultimately can not do:as quoted from my ex:"I can not change who I am and what makes me unhappy". Sad their inability to change.

She doesn't even know what makes her unhappy either as that story constantly changed. Impossible to please, they are just looking for a way out by devaluing you.

I hear what you are saying... there are some mistakes I made in this rs... .  but a healthier partner would have discussed things with me... .  maybe been angry for a little, and then genuinely forgiven me. This type of normal conflict resolution was absent in my relationship... .  

I found out she had a whole barrage of empirical weaponry to use against me. She remembered every little "imperfection" of mine and then threw it in my face when she painted me black... .  

I agree that she would rather just find someone new who doesn't  know about her baggage, and she can trick them for a while... .  It just sucks when you have been so forgiving to someone with so many issues, and they couldn't forgive you for small things, if their life dependened on it. Authentic apology and forgiveness... .  seem completely foreign to her.

Everyone makes mistakes in relationships... .  i guess the point is that healthier couples take care of conflicts and hurt feelings in a different way. If you let these conflicts pile up... .  they eat away at the relationship and the people involved.

Therefore, in my current and future relationships I aim to handle conflict resolution in a completely different manner. If anything, this rs has taught me how to validate my partner's emotions, how to seek understanding for my own emotions, and how to be more open and vulnerable... .  the point is i need to find  a partner that won't stab me in the back when i expose my weaknesses.

In anyone else's opinions should you ever expose weakness to a romantic partner(over time, once theyve earned some trust)? Isn't this the pathway to true intimacy? To let yourself be vulnerable? I mean i know this will be a struggle for me going forward, but I read somewhere that strong men don't reveal weakness in business, friendships, rs... .  because almost everybody takes advantage of the weaknesses of others... .  even subconsciously.

What do you think about this suzn, afterdeath?

I have definitely seen how being super open with my faults and weaknessess has hurt me in business, friendships, and rs... .  once you tell someone something about you, this can really kick down their respect for you if they are shallow and not self-aware, not willing to admit that they have faults and weaknesses. This is exactly how my mom is.

[Suzn]

Being super vigilant about never being vunerable with anyone is extreme and a sign of not being able to give. One of the attributes of emotional maturity is being able to give and take. No one is perfect, no one. There are people who can have healthy relationships stoic. Giving yourself time to get to know someone is key, you open up and show vulnerabilities over time. People need to earn your trust first just as you want to allow yourself time to trust them. I think you're right being super open right away can be seen as needy and niave.

[afterdeath]

Being super vigilant about never being vunerable with anyone is extreme and a sign of not being able to give. One of the attributes of emotional maturity is being able to give and take. No one is perfect, no one. There are people who can have healthy relationships stoic. Giving yourself time to get to know someone is key, you open up and show vulnerabilities over time. People need to earn your trust first just as you want to allow yourself time to trust them. I think you're right being super open right away can be seen as needy and niave.

Do not sell yourself short. Don't even bring up that you are weak in any manner or situation unless asked or they bring up an experience you can relate to.

I wonder what some of your weaknesses may be, I know I for one am too nice and caring and people take advantage of me, I'm changing this.

I'm not going to lie but I'm not going to throw a red flag up screaming hey I'm weak look at me! This is where you attack to blow up my death star!

Let them figure it out. Just continue working on your issues, it's like a job interview: never go in saying what you are bad at and can't do, even when they all what are your weaknesses, turn it around and make it sound like a strength:

Example. What is a relationship weakness for me? Answer: jealously. Answer you give: well I tend to care too much about my significant other some times, I could be more trusting.

Bad example maybe but I hope you get the concept.