Not sure what to write

[trevjim]

Ok thanks to some good advice from alot of people, i feel i am done on the detaching board, and Ive been advised to post on here.

Here is a brief overview of my situation.

Was with my pwBPDex for 2.5 years, known her for a couple of years and was friends at work before that.

Had a really intense relationship, lots of ups and downs, got engadged, lived together.

In the end her BPD behaviours just got too much, we had split a few times but not what i would call properly, each time we would split she would sleep with an ex or someone else. this time i ended it and moved out, she got with an ex the next day and they have been together since (she messaged him and made sure i would find out about it the day we split). Also she had a little boy who is now nearly 4, i knew him from his first birthday, i helped raise him, he called me daddy and i saw him as a son. when we split she said i could still see him, but the next day she said she wants the new boyfriend to be his daddy and me to stay away.

we split in mid november, ive been N/C since start of January.

So now im dealing with jealousy, greiving for the failed R/S, her and the little boy, hurt and lack of closure and anger.

I also feel i am a 'lonely child' and im finding that really hard, my life goal is to fall in love, get married and have children etc, i thought i had that with her, and when we ended, my life came crashing down as well.

Could do with some advice , im keeping busy as best i can, keeping fit, seeing mates etc.

[HarmKrakow]

Ok thanks to some good advice from alot of people, i feel i am done on the detaching board, and Ive been advised to post on here.

Here is a brief overview of my situation.

Was with my pwBPDex for 2.5 years, known her for a couple of years and was friends at work before that.

Had a really intense relationship, lots of ups and downs, got engadged, lived together.

In the end her BPD behaviours just got too much, we had split a few times but not what i would call properly, each time we would split she would sleep with an ex or someone else. this time i ended it and moved out, she got with an ex the next day and they have been together since (she messaged him and made sure i would find out about it the day we split). Also she had a little boy who is now nearly 4, i knew him from his first birthday, i helped raise him, he called me daddy and i saw him as a son. when we split she said i could still see him, but the next day she said she wants the new boyfriend to be his daddy and me to stay away.

we split in mid november, ive been N/C since start of January.

So now im dealing with jealousy, greiving for the failed R/S, her and the little boy, hurt and lack of closure and anger.

I also feel i am a 'lonely child' and im finding that really hard, my life goal is to fall in love, get married and have children etc, i thought i had that with her, and when we ended, my life came crashing down as well.

Could do with some advice , im keeping busy as best i can, keeping fit, seeing mates etc.

Mate you still need to detach, i've been following your story a bit.

You are still in the process of detaching, rationalizing everything which has happened during the r/s with your looney and to give it a place in your life and head.

Keep yourself busy? Little mindfulness tests, new study? Go do a sport, fitness, voluntary work etc.

[stoic83]

Ok thanks to some good advice from alot of people, i feel i am done on the detaching board, and Ive been advised to post on here.

Here is a brief overview of my situation.

Was with my pwBPDex for 2.5 years, known her for a couple of years and was friends at work before that.

Had a really intense relationship, lots of ups and downs, got engadged, lived together.

In the end her BPD behaviours just got too much, we had split a few times but not what i would call properly, each time we would split she would sleep with an ex or someone else. this time i ended it and moved out, she got with an ex the next day and they have been together since (she messaged him and made sure i would find out about it the day we split). Also she had a little boy who is now nearly 4, i knew him from his first birthday, i helped raise him, he called me daddy and i saw him as a son. when we split she said i could still see him, but the next day she said she wants the new boyfriend to be his daddy and me to stay away.

we split in mid november, ive been N/C since start of January.

So now im dealing with jealousy, greiving for the failed R/S, her and the little boy, hurt and lack of closure and anger.

I also feel i am a 'lonely child' and im finding that really hard, my life goal is to fall in love, get married and have children etc, i thought i had that with her, and when we ended, my life came crashing down as well.

Could do with some advice , im keeping busy as best i can, keeping fit, seeing mates etc.

Mate you still need to detach, i've been following your story a bit.

You are still in the process of detaching, rationalizing everything which has happened during the r/s with your looney and to give it a place in your life and head.

Keep yourself busy? Little mindfulness tests, new study? Go do a sport, fitness, voluntary work etc.

Hey buddy I'm only 45 days out and on dating sites... .  just to get validation that somebody would go out with me... .  I had a promising date, and just wussed out... .  haha. I hung out with a younger girl for fun... .  and that felt pretty awful as well. The best thing I got out of this, is I don't fear rejection anymore... .  I fear meeting women w hidden mental illnesses... .  maybe this is why younger women feel safer. My exwBPD's condition got worse over our 4 yr on/off rs... .  I would suggest speaking to women.

I am more afraid of speaking to friends and family members right now then a stranger. They have no idea of what I have just been through... .  they think I'm just a regular, nice, funny guy... .  it brings back memories of how I was before this happened and made me feel better than the hookup or dating site (more romantic contact)... .  just talking to healthy strangers makes me feel a lot better. makes me realize there is a whole world of healthier people out there to explore... .  and stop focusing on this "one person" who I let become everything to me... .  

Stoic

[HarmKrakow]

Ok thanks to some good advice from alot of people, i feel i am done on the detaching board, and Ive been advised to post on here.

Here is a brief overview of my situation.

Was with my pwBPDex for 2.5 years, known her for a couple of years and was friends at work before that.

Had a really intense relationship, lots of ups and downs, got engadged, lived together.

In the end her BPD behaviours just got too much, we had split a few times but not what i would call properly, each time we would split she would sleep with an ex or someone else. this time i ended it and moved out, she got with an ex the next day and they have been together since (she messaged him and made sure i would find out about it the day we split). Also she had a little boy who is now nearly 4, i knew him from his first birthday, i helped raise him, he called me daddy and i saw him as a son. when we split she said i could still see him, but the next day she said she wants the new boyfriend to be his daddy and me to stay away.

we split in mid november, ive been N/C since start of January.

So now im dealing with jealousy, greiving for the failed R/S, her and the little boy, hurt and lack of closure and anger.

I also feel i am a 'lonely child' and im finding that really hard, my life goal is to fall in love, get married and have children etc, i thought i had that with her, and when we ended, my life came crashing down as well.

Could do with some advice , im keeping busy as best i can, keeping fit, seeing mates etc.

Mate you still need to detach, i've been following your story a bit.

You are still in the process of detaching, rationalizing everything which has happened during the r/s with your looney and to give it a place in your life and head.

Keep yourself busy? Little mindfulness tests, new study? Go do a sport, fitness, voluntary work etc.

Hey buddy I'm only 45 days out and on dating sites... .  just to get validation that somebody would go out with me... .  I had a promising date, and just wussed out... .  haha. I hung out with a younger girl for fun... .  and that felt pretty awful as well. The best thing I got out of this, is I don't fear rejection anymore... .  I fear meeting women w hidden mental illnesses... .  maybe this is why younger women feel safer. My exwBPD's condition got worse over our 4 yr on/off rs... .  I would suggest speaking to women.

I am more afraid of speaking to friends and family members right now then a stranger. They have no idea of what I have just been through... .  they think I'm just a regular, nice, funny guy... .  it brings back memories of how I was before this happened and made me feel better than the hookup or dating site (more romantic contact)... .  just talking to healthy strangers makes me feel a lot better. makes me realize there is a whole world of healthier people out there to explore... .  and stop focusing on this "one person" who I let become everything to me... .  

Stoic

Majority of people on those dating websites have BPD or other mental illnesses ... as they like to show and spread their weaknesses.

[stoic83]

Ok thanks to some good advice from alot of people, i feel i am done on the detaching board, and Ive been advised to post on here.

Here is a brief overview of my situation.

Was with my pwBPDex for 2.5 years, known her for a couple of years and was friends at work before that.

Had a really intense relationship, lots of ups and downs, got engadged, lived together.

In the end her BPD behaviours just got too much, we had split a few times but not what i would call properly, each time we would split she would sleep with an ex or someone else. this time i ended it and moved out, she got with an ex the next day and they have been together since (she messaged him and made sure i would find out about it the day we split). Also she had a little boy who is now nearly 4, i knew him from his first birthday, i helped raise him, he called me daddy and i saw him as a son. when we split she said i could still see him, but the next day she said she wants the new boyfriend to be his daddy and me to stay away.

we split in mid november, ive been N/C since start of January.

So now im dealing with jealousy, greiving for the failed R/S, her and the little boy, hurt and lack of closure and anger.

I also feel i am a 'lonely child' and im finding that really hard, my life goal is to fall in love, get married and have children etc, i thought i had that with her, and when we ended, my life came crashing down as well.

Could do with some advice , im keeping busy as best i can, keeping fit, seeing mates etc.

Mate you still need to detach, i've been following your story a bit.

You are still in the process of detaching, rationalizing everything which has happened during the r/s with your looney and to give it a place in your life and head.

Keep yourself busy? Little mindfulness tests, new study? Go do a sport, fitness, voluntary work etc.

Hey buddy I'm only 45 days out and on dating sites... .  just to get validation that somebody would go out with me... .  I had a promising date, and just wussed out... .  haha. I hung out with a younger girl for fun... .  and that felt pretty awful as well. The best thing I got out of this, is I don't fear rejection anymore... .  I fear meeting women w hidden mental illnesses... .  maybe this is why younger women feel safer. My exwBPD's condition got worse over our 4 yr on/off rs... .  I would suggest speaking to women.

I am more afraid of speaking to friends and family members right now then a stranger. They have no idea of what I have just been through... .  they think I'm just a regular, nice, funny guy... .  it brings back memories of how I was before this happened and made me feel better than the hookup or dating site (more romantic contact)... .  just talking to healthy strangers makes me feel a lot better. makes me realize there is a whole world of healthier people out there to explore... .  and stop focusing on this "one person" who I let become everything to me... .  

Stoic

Majority of people on those dating websites have BPD or other mental illnesses ... as they like to show and spread their weaknesses.

Actually looking back, my advice was bad. I am just here in support. I guess it is good to meet new people, but dating is terrible right now for me. I would actually suggest meeting new people through hobbies... .  go hang out in a coffee shop and people watch. For me, hanging around people who aren't necessarily aware of my low state is the best:) That way any unhealthy patterns i inevitably have with more serious friendships and family don't trigger my feelings of low self-esteem or exacerbate my depression.

Some of my current friendships are not healthy, because I have not been acting healthy in my relationships in general... .  and looking more closely some of my friends don't share my core values... .  about how they treat others. So I am spending a lot of time alone. Going out by myself and chatting with strangers makes me feel better... .  because it reminds me of my "core self"... .  our friends know us too well... .  we are trying to change so that this doesn't happen again, right?

Again this isn't a reccommendation, but I defintely am turning the focus on myself and why I allowed myself to be entangled in this relationship for so long and to such detriment to myself. Clearly, this relationship brought out my own problems... .  and while I "need" to feel like my "old self" again, I want to be "new". As in, I don't want to be the same in the sense that I would allow myself to be a martyr in a rs with someone who is mentally ill. There is a lot better out there for me. I deserve what every person with no mental illness deserves, a partner that reciprocates adult love and other emotions; such as empathy, compassion, guilt, remorse... .  etc.

For the most part my ex had: sympathy, admiration, adoration, shame, anger, sadness, frustrated, bored... .  down pretty well. But most of these emotions are very basic instinctual emotions. The other emotions that you and I feel are almost unobtainable for people in your ex's situation.

Your entanglement in the child's life was a bad thing as well. A child who is raised by some wBPD is being raised by a child... .  she is looking for a parental figure for her child, and she is a child. It is very sad for both of them involved... .  but it is also sad that there are little kids in china who are forced to work in factories. If you found a dying mule in the street, would you stop what you are doing and spend the rest of your life taking care of the dead mule because you felt bad for it? No... .  it is more valuable to take care of yourself.

What's my point? My point is that there are so many things to be sad about, why are you focused so much on these two people... .  it it because you were being charitable? Why not donate to a charity instead? Why does this woman deserve your attention over anyone else suffering a mental illness? I'm just being a realist here, trust me I'm in and out of "what did I do wrong? :'(" and this over the top realism.


Because of your entanglement... .  that's why you are so worried about her and her child. Give it some distance and time(Im probably a couple years away) and you will be looking at her and her son like you do the animals you see on tv, little factory workers in china, etc... .  It is too painful to empathize with all the wounded souls on this planet. I am trying to take my empathetic energy and turn it in to positive change to help others... .  help others that I am not so emotionally attached to. This is the only way to make a one-sided relationship work as far as I am concerned... .  you receive gratitude and the good feelings of seeing the benefit of your hard work. Volunteering and charity is my recommendation... .  I will let you know when I grow the balls to get out there and do it myself.

Maybe you should look in to being a big brother or something like that... .  there are a ton of hurt and neglected children in this world that need our love and support! If it wern't for the kind people in my life outside of my parental unit, I might not be as kind and empathetic as I am. So it's something to celebrate and put to something more positive and fulfilling for YOU! You don't feel any Fear Obligation or Guilt for helping out people through a charity!

Stoic

[trevjim]

Ok thanks to some good advice from alot of people, i feel i am done on the detaching board, and Ive been advised to post on here.

Here is a brief overview of my situation.

Was with my pwBPDex for 2.5 years, known her for a couple of years and was friends at work before that.

Had a really intense relationship, lots of ups and downs, got engadged, lived together.

In the end her BPD behaviours just got too much, we had split a few times but not what i would call properly, each time we would split she would sleep with an ex or someone else. this time i ended it and moved out, she got with an ex the next day and they have been together since (she messaged him and made sure i would find out about it the day we split). Also she had a little boy who is now nearly 4, i knew him from his first birthday, i helped raise him, he called me daddy and i saw him as a son. when we split she said i could still see him, but the next day she said she wants the new boyfriend to be his daddy and me to stay away.

we split in mid november, ive been N/C since start of January.

So now im dealing with jealousy, greiving for the failed R/S, her and the little boy, hurt and lack of closure and anger.

I also feel i am a 'lonely child' and im finding that really hard, my life goal is to fall in love, get married and have children etc, i thought i had that with her, and when we ended, my life came crashing down as well.

Could do with some advice , im keeping busy as best i can, keeping fit, seeing mates etc.

Mate you still need to detach, i've been following your story a bit.

You are still in the process of detaching, rationalizing everything which has happened during the r/s with your looney and to give it a place in your life and head.

Keep yourself busy? Little mindfulness tests, new study? Go do a sport, fitness, voluntary work etc.

Hey buddy I'm only 45 days out and on dating sites... .  just to get validation that somebody would go out with me... .  I had a promising date, and just wussed out... .  haha. I hung out with a younger girl for fun... .  and that felt pretty awful as well. The best thing I got out of this, is I don't fear rejection anymore... .  I fear meeting women w hidden mental illnesses... .  maybe this is why younger women feel safer. My exwBPD's condition got worse over our 4 yr on/off rs... .  I would suggest speaking to women.

I am more afraid of speaking to friends and family members right now then a stranger. They have no idea of what I have just been through... .  they think I'm just a regular, nice, funny guy... .  it brings back memories of how I was before this happened and made me feel better than the hookup or dating site (more romantic contact)... .  just talking to healthy strangers makes me feel a lot better. makes me realize there is a whole world of healthier people out there to explore... .  and stop focusing on this "one person" who I let become everything to me... .  

Stoic

Majority of people on those dating websites have BPD or other mental illnesses ... as they like to show and spread their weaknesses.

Actually looking back, my advice was bad. I am just here in support. I guess it is good to meet new people, but dating is terrible right now for me. I would actually suggest meeting new people through hobbies... .  go hang out in a coffee shop and people watch. For me, hanging around people who aren't necessarily aware of my low state is the best:) That way any unhealthy patterns i inevitably have with more serious friendships and family don't trigger my feelings of low self-esteem or exacerbate my depression.

Some of my current friendships are not healthy, because I have not been acting healthy in my relationships in general... .  and looking more closely some of my friends don't share my core values... .  about how they treat others. So I am spending a lot of time alone. Going out by myself and chatting with strangers makes me feel better... .  because it reminds me of my "core self"... .  our friends know us too well... .  we are trying to change so that this doesn't happen again, right?

Again this isn't a reccommendation, but I defintely am turning the focus on myself and why I allowed myself to be entangled in this relationship for so long and to such detriment to myself. Clearly, this relationship brought out my own problems... .  and while I "need" to feel like my "old self" again, I want to be "new". As in, I don't want to be the same in the sense that I would allow myself to be a martyr in a rs with someone who is mentally ill. There is a lot better out there for me. I deserve what every person with no mental illness deserves, a partner that reciprocates adult love and other emotions; such as empathy, compassion, guilt, remorse... .  etc.

For the most part my ex had: sympathy, admiration, adoration, shame, anger, sadness, frustrated, bored... .  down pretty well. But most of these emotions are very basic instinctual emotions. The other emotions that you and I feel are almost unobtainable for people in your ex's situation.

Your entanglement in the child's life was a bad thing as well. A child who is raised by some wBPD is being raised by a child... .  she is looking for a parental figure for her child, and she is a child. It is very sad for both of them involved... .  but it is also sad that there are little kids in china who are forced to work in factories. If you found a dying mule in the street, would you stop what you are doing and spend the rest of your life taking care of the dead mule because you felt bad for it? No... .  it is more valuable to take care of yourself.

What's my point? My point is that there are so many things to be sad about, why are you focused so much on these two people... .  it it because you were being charitable? Why not donate to a charity instead? Why does this woman deserve your attention over anyone else suffering a mental illness? I'm just being a realist here, trust me I'm in and out of "what did I do wrong? :'(" and this over the top realism.


Because of your entanglement... .  that's why you are so worried about her and her child. Give it some distance and time(Im probably a couple years away) and you will be looking at her and her son like you do the animals you see on tv, little factory workers in china, etc... .  It is too painful to empathize with all the wounded souls on this planet. I am trying to take my empathetic energy and turn it in to positive change to help others... .  help others that I am not so emotionally attached to. This is the only way to make a one-sided relationship work as far as I am concerned... .  you receive gratitude and the good feelings of seeing the benefit of your hard work. Volunteering and charity is my recommendation... .  I will let you know when I grow the balls to get out there and do it myself.

Maybe you should look in to being a big brother or something like that... .  there are a ton of hurt and neglected children in this world that need our love and support! If it wern't for the kind people in my life outside of my parental unit, I might not be as kind and empathetic as I am. So it's something to celebrate and put to something more positive and fulfilling for YOU! You don't feel any Fear Obligation or Guilt for helping out people through a charity!

Stoic

Thank you stoic, I think this has been a big problem for me moving on, I care about them both but I'm in no position to help now and I guess now they are not my concern, but that desire to help is still there.

Volunteering and charity, funny enough I wad looking at that the other day, maybe I need an outlet and I guess that's a good start for it. I just need to get some balls too .

I do look after my nephew quite a lot which is great, but he is a year younger then my expwBPD lil boy and tent used to play togeather a lot, so he often asks where he is when I'm with him, which is sad.