NC ... 6 days strong...

[Cimbaruns]

Working on my 7th day of NC with my exBPDw... .  

I've tried this before and never have gotten this far without being triggered and being pulled back in.

She is trying EVERYTHING ... A written letter ... .  one sentence emails... .  texting ... .  calls, most of which I delete before reading or listening to... .  although I am guilty of reading a few.

She has pleaded, claimed she is stronger and changed, threatened, and somewhat raged.

I admit that some anxiety has crept back in for me, but for the most part I am handling it better than I thought I was capable of... .  

Still so hard to wrap my head around how a person can behave in this manner and think I can just allow them to walk back in to my life as if nothing ever happened...

I have spent 4 years enmeshed in this relationship ... .  and only until I was truly able to look at it from the "outside" did I gain some bit of clarity on what " ride" I was really on... .  

My T tells me I am doing great work ... .  but sometimes I feel as if I'm holding on for dear life!

Just trying to figure out how to get this "tape" playing in my head to switch to another track... .  I m not sure "time" will take care of it... .  sometimes I am afraid that although years may pass... .  the triggering will remain forever!

Hangin in... .  and praying that all of you that are facing the same are able to stay STRONG

[Wooddragon]

Hi - I'm at day 2 but the contact was a conversation about no contact - & he hasn't come back. I think he has moved on & am hoping that I don't hear from him for a long time. I don't know how they can forget & shift with the breeze. But I do know that I'm really tired of trying to create some kind of functional relationship with a manipulative, dishonest & dysfunctional person. It's good to know there are others on the same journey. I miss the feelings I had but that other person never really existed. Am looking forward to getting my life back! 

[Hiloguy]

Thank you for posting this. I'm at 2 weeks at NC and hearing what your going through is so similar to my situation. I will say that although I do miss somethings about her I don't miss the drama and everyday that passes I feel a sense of strength and independence. Keep up the good work it will pay off and eventually you will find someone worthy and capable of a real relationship.

[broken but not beaten]

Congrats in taking the step on nc,I'm on 2 wk lc until I can wrap up final bits of property then I'm pulling the plug,its hard withdrawing from a 'love' addiction but as the days roll into weeks and the mist clears you will begin to see things clearer and clearer and the weight on your shoulders will become less and less,these r/ships becoming imprinted on our minds and the fantasy is not an easy one to let go of,I've done this twice and it hurts more than anything I've experienced but its also not healthy to live this way,we need to do what is right for us and it takes time for our hearts to catch up with our heads... I wish you the best of luck,be strong

[Cimbaruns]

Thank you all for your wonderful support.!

I wish you luck in your moving forward as well...

It's now been a few more days and each and every moment of clarity that I receive feels great!

I'm working on acceptance as well... .  and all the pain that goes with it... .  

As I cry the tears that I need to... .  I write down my feelings as well...

My weekly therapy sessions have been so so helpful as well...

I find that journaling has also helped me get my feeling out along with the tears!

As much as we analyze and look at all we have been through... .  being ALONE with it all is the most painful part to work through... however I'm taking the baby steps I need to... .  and taking care of ME finally

Peace and Strength to all that share in this process of healing 

[Rye82]

Stay strong with keeping up with the NC policy... I completely feel what your going through... Its very difficult to maintain especially if you had so much emotional attachments involved in the relationship...   just remember that its about time to start loving yourself and move forward into having a healthier life... it will be a never ending chaos being with a BPD partner...

[jaird]

Best of luck to you Cimbaruns, and everyone else on here. I started a new thread today as I repeatedly broke NC and each time I broke it I got hurt.

All I can say is, if you are afraid a text or call or email will suck you back in or hurt you, it should be possible to block all of those methods of communication.

[Cimbaruns]

jaird

Much strength to you... .  

I read your post... .  

I think as much as we know what they do isn't normal... .  we are so enmeshed in the relationship... .  that we continue to ignore what it right before us... .  

I really really believe that until we are able to gain some clarity... .  even if only for fleeting moments of time... .  we continue to "dance" if you will... .  

The more moments of clarity I was able to hold onto ... .  the more I could step away and really see what lay before me... .  

And yes... .  being able to breathe helped it along

Best of luck to you also... .  keep posting... .  we all need each other as we move forward! 

[jaird]

Thanks again Cimbaruns,

I really wish I had stayed NC. Each time I have tried to rekindle the relationship, she has left the door open a little, and thrown out some breadcrumbs. Only to pull out the rug again 12 hrs or a day later. Mine really does the 12 hour cycles. She has for months. In the beginning of the relationship, her cycles were one rage a month or so. I thought her behavior was odd, but she always returned back to normal. After a year or so, I would say she did the black/white rage thing about every two weeks. After about 18 months, it was every few days. And for the past six months or so, it has been every twelve hours.

Tonight was the worst. We were supposed to talk around 11 PM. She called me at 4 PM to say she would be out tonight, and that I shouldn't wait up to talk. I suspect she is on a date, but I would not let myself ask and be hurt more.

The thing is, my ex has had so much trauma in her life, two failed marriages, lost a child, terrible stuff I wouldn't wish on anyone. And yet she blames me for all her stress and says everything is my fault. I don't claim to have been an angel. We have had a difficult relationship for a few reasons, but I have always acted with her best interests at heart. I have always stood by her and supported her and got her on the path to making good decisions.

I think what is helping me get through tonight is the realization that I love someone who cares about no one else. She lacks any sense of empathy. I knew this before, but each time she hurts me, it still surprises me how cruel she can be, and in a careless manner. She literally does not care about me, or anyone I can think of really.

One of the first things she ever told me when we met was "I am like no one you ever met. I'm selfish. It's all about me" I just chalked up that statement to some kind of mindless chatter, nothing serious. But she was oh so serious!