Has anyone had their personwBPD say "I'm sorry would you please forgive me"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has anyone had their personwBPD say "I'm sorry would you please forgive me" ?

and

Has anyone told their personwBPD say "I'm sorry would you please forgive me"  ?

I mean is this a "no" way street?

[Not2Crazy]

Has anyone had their personwBPD say "I'm sorry would you please forgive me" ?

and

Has anyone told their personwBPD say "I'm sorry would you please forgive me"  ?

I mean is this a "no" way street?

[really]

Not, not from her.

Yes, many times from me.

[LuckyEscapee]

Never once. I would be disgusted with myself to have done those retched things in the first place, but then to see fit to not apologize? Wowee. That is some cast iron strng self-denial. Good news is that you stop being interested in hearing it anyhow.

[willy45]

Ha ha.

That's a funny one.

I saw my ex a few weeks ago after not talking to her for months. I told her for years and years and years of telling her that screaming and raging at me was not OK. That "Under no circumstances is it ever OK to yell at someone". (A weird aside, when I saw her, she told me the she had to go talk to her bosses boss because her boss was always yelling at her and she told her bosses boss that "Under no circumstances is it ever OK to yell at someone". It made my mind spin. I don't think she caught the irony).

Anyhow... .  when I saw her, I explained how the whole yelling and raging thing made me feel and how each time she did it, it made me feel more and more rejected. And how I used to have to hide under the bed from her and sometimes I thought she was going to hit me.

Her response?

'Oh, my bad'.

Seriously! That is what she said. She said: 'Oh, my bad.' No emotion. Nothing. No acknowledgement of the years and years of abuse. No acknowledgement of what that would have done to me. No acknowledgement of how horrible that made me feel or how it continues to haunt me. Nothing. Just 'oh, my bad'.

And the next time I saw her she said that she was thinking about what I said and that there must have been something about her that I really didn't like. Seriously! I told her that her raging at me scared me so much that I would have to hide under the bed from her in the middle of the night and I was scared she was going to start hitting me. And then she says that there must be something about her that I didn't like! Duh... .  Yeah. I didn't like having to hide from you at 3am because you are angry that I woke you up by rolling over in my sleep. That is hilarious.

I think that the 'Oh, my bad' comment is just so funny. Would you count that as an apology?

And as for me apologizing... .  I used to. Then i stopped. I stopped because it never really helped anyways in the long term. It would stop her from raging at me in the short term. But it never stopped the raging in general. So, I stopped. I was done.

[really]

Oops I misread the second one... .  No i have never asked her to apologise... .  I thought it was whether you had apologised!

Ooops.

[sad but wiser]

Yes.  My ex h has asked forgiveness, but only for being foolish enough to trust me and put his life into my hands and just loving me soo much and how could I hurt him like this, I must want to kill him, I must just want him to die.  He can't possibly take care of himself or find a job at this point in his life (nor apparently at most other points, I was never supposed to support us all on my own) oh, and I must never have loved him, I must have been planning this all along, etc, etc, etc... .  

 I asked him to forgive me for enabling him and allowing him to get worse.  I really should NEVER have done that.  I just wanted a modicum of peace at that point and I was too worn out to do what was right.

Re-engaging at this point is risky.  If you are not married and divorcing, or dealing with children you have together, I would not seek closure.  I am not sure it exists with a BPD.

[Wooddragon]

He apologised the first time he raged at me & physically attacked me. After that, no acknowledgment or recognition of any wrongdoing. I apologised for "saying the wrong thing" etc many times. Even our most recent communication after he lied to me about his intentions etc - it was all about me not giving him "a chance"... .  

[HardTruth]

I went through the idealization phase with mine for 2 months.  It wasn't "over-idealization", just seemed normal for people who are dating and like each other.  Skipped the clingy phase.  Went straight to turning me black upon waking in the morning.

I emailed him and talked to him about what he did and how he made me feel.  2 weeks later, when he came to return my stuff - he lives an hour away from me - he apologized to me and asked me if I could forgive him.  I said I wasn't prepared to answer that question.

A couple days later I called and said that I did forgive him.  He said, Oh Great!  Now we can go snowboarding and hang out!  We made arrangements to get together on Thanksgiving since he was going to be in town then.  

Guess what?  Not even a phone call!  He completely blew me off even though his Thanksgiving party was only 10 minutes from my house, and I had arranged my schedule so I could visit with him.

He butt-dialed me on the way home.  Hung up when I answered.  I called him back.  He apologized, said the day just got the best of him, - whatever!  and promised to call me in 2 days.  I've never talked to him since.  He wouldn't even call me, even when I said, Look, I don't want it to be a P***-bashing session, I just want to talk, like you promised.  I'm sure we can make things right because we're both good people.

Nothing.

So the Please forgive me?  and the apology?  It didn't really mean anything... .  Just another impulse in the BPD world.

[sad but wiser]

Yeah, it's easy to get drawn back in.  They can be so reasonable if they want to be.  Just remember, it isn't you, it's the mood they're in at the moment.  They also expect to be treated well, regardless of how they may treat you.  My ex will leave ugly messages on my answering machine or text, then expect me to pay his bills or do something he wants, just as if my feelings didn't exist.  I guess for him they don't.

[mitti]

My pwBPD has been on his knees apologizing in T. He has been crying because of guilt and shame for what he did. It took him more than a year after what he had put me through. I know he did get it then, he understood what he had put me through, how traumatic it was and how it has caused PTSD in me. He has said he was grateful I was still available for when he came to his senses. But (yes, of course) another six months and he has painted me black again. Still, I know he knows what he put me through. It is too painful for him to deal with though and this is why he painted me black this time.

No apology from him would do it for me now. It doesn't last, he can't hold that thought and conviction. If he were to want to come back, I would tell him I need x, y and z changes from him. I know he can't do it. And I am fine with it.

[Numbers]

Mine apologized a few times, but as someone here said before, BPD are masters of snide comments and these apologies were obviously forced and didn't really cut it. Made me feel bad.

In occasions where I created a small window where she could understand how her behavior is damaging, she was preoccupied with herself and how marvelous her a-ha moment was. but she would not apologize.

And then there were times like when she missed a message from me and thought I did not return her a kiss. This escalated into her mobilizing 10 people to the bar, making me come too, getting horribly drunk, acting passive-aggressive, doing everything in her power to embarrass me, vomits all over my car, vomits all over my bed... .  the works. In the morning she wakes with a ton of shame, calls everyone from last night and apologizes to everyone in tears.

To everyone but to me.

It is a comedy really. I cannot even get angry about it all.

[waitaminute]

At our breakup she said

"please forgive me for what I've done to your life"

Yep. She said that. It was somewhere between the "i hate you" messages, the "I will love you forever" messages and the "you need to get therapy. You're sick" messages and the "you ruined my life" messages.

On lesser issues, occasionally she would apologize.

[id-crisis]

Yep! Lots of times but it didn't stop him doing the same things over and over. Same ___, different day kinda thing, so they were worthless apologies and only used as a tool to manipulate.

He only apologised when he was on a mission to ~ me back in, once the mission had been accomplished he'd throw it back in my face and say I deserved "so & so" anyway   

Actions speak louder than words and his repeated actions spoke a damn sight louder than his feeble apologies.

[mosaicbird]

Yes, she said that on a few occasions. It sounded very sincere and heartfelt. Sigh.

[Willingtolearn]

I am not sure if this would count as an apology, maybe fellow contributors on here can comment with their opinions  if they think it was an apology, i would be interested to know. Anyway here is what happened:-

I had been 100% NC with my exBPDgf for 13 months. I had kept her number in my cell phone, but never once called or text her in those 13 months. Then one day i was sending a text to a friend and inadvertenly sent it to my exBPDgf by mistake.  About 2 hours later i got a reply from her. The reply said "So sorry. Who is this?"

The thing i noticed from that text was there was a full stop after "So sorry"  So i asked myself was that her saying she was sorry for what she had done to me, or was she saying sorry because she didn't know who the text message was from?

I remained NC and didn't reply to her. However to this day i still wonder if she was saying sorry to me. What do you people think?

[charred]

Mine said it often, with zero sincerity... .  usually followed by a cutting comment. Was she ever actually sorry, or accepting responsibility for her actions... .  no, never.

[Discarded26]

Mine said it often, with zero sincerity... .  usually followed by a cutting comment. Was she ever actually sorry, or accepting responsibility for her actions... .  no, never.

Like mine, sorry for what its worth, MIGHT have made a big mistake, but hope your happy with HIM and everything 

I ain't with anyone, words fail me

[Iced]

I think pwBPD can still say "I'm sorry" and mean it and understand what they are saying and what they are sorry for... .  but only if they are truly self-aware and not in the middle of one of their BPD 'episodes' where their sense of reason isn't balanced.

Then there are the people who say, 'I'm sorry, please forgive me," and... .  well.

So.

My aunt was nearly beaten to death with a metal shower curtain rod by her very BPD and even more abusive husband (whom she still hasn't divorced)... .  and when she woke up, he was sitting next to her hospital bed bawling his eyes out saying how sorry he was and begging her for forgiveness.

My own mother was there to see this happen as the aunt was her own sister.

A few months later before she was fully recovered from the head injury, he pushed my aunt down three flights of stairs... .  and ran down the stairs to apologize to her and beg for forgiveness once more.

Another while later, he beat her up with some other object.

Every single time?

I'm sorry, please forgive me.

And afterwards?

Another round of abuse.

[wb1233]

On several occasions I grilled my uBPDexgf when she was out of line only to get "ok... fine... I'm sorry" with an angry tone.   Sincere right?

[spaceace]

I have thought about this numerous times and the answer is, no. Maybe when we were first dating she would be sorry. But not while we were married.

It was weird. Something she would do to f&ck things up terribly would somehow be my fault and I would spend hours trying to get her to climb off the ledge. Usually I would be talked to death about how growing up in an abusive house was why she did things, or she experienced xyz with her ex husband and she behaved that way.

But in the end, never an apology.

She doesn't have the capability to feel remorse for her actions, how can she say sorry? At least that is how I see it now.

[real lady]

No... .  he has not apologized because the would be admitting intentional hurt, accidental hurt or failure and he is unwilling to accept that he is capable of any of these.

He apologized a few times for TALKING VERY LOUDLY (to his computer game or the puppies) in the wee hours of the morning while I was sleeping upstairs. I think he apologized and said "I am sorry that I woke you, I didn't mean to wake you up" and then he has been quieter since. I guess this falls into "an accident" catagory and thus doesn't HAVE to see himself as "being bad"... .  but if I "have an accident", he sees it as INTENTIONAL. No amounts of "I am sorry" will suffice. 

[HarmKrakow]

Mine said it 1000x times during the loving/clinging phase, mine said it zero times after the hatred phase.

[Somewhere]

This has to be the funniest thread on here.

Oh wait, sorry I said that.  Please forgive me.

I love you.

Well, no, wait a minute -- it was your fault to start with.

I hate you.

Go to Hell.

ROTFL .     


But as far as the rest . . .  never an apology that I recall.  But I have, at times, been as much as 85% forgiven for my faults.  85%.  You know I could not make THAT up.

[TheDude]

Mine said it 1000x times during the loving/clinging phase, mine said it zero times after the hatred phase.

Same here. And not only zero times during black mode, but would complain incessantly that I never apologize for anything. Um... .  like what? * rolls her eyes & stomps off to a 12 hour Facebook session *

[slimmiller]

Apologize? I dont think she knows what that means.

Actually she did a few times but never cause she meant it. It was always because she was building me up because she was trying to talk me into another cruise (so we could have her BPD mother straggle along) Or because she was wanting me to watch the kids for a weekend so she could go hang out with her friend from high school, or she needed money for clothe, or her sister needed a place to crash while she fought with her bf, or while she wanted to get me to buy into her latest and greatest, 'lets farm and live off of the land' schtick... .  sigh. In hindsight, what a lousy husband I must have been.

In all actually I said sorry often enough for the both of us probably

[SarahinMA]

My ex has never apologized for hurting me... .  I'm pretty sure because he thinks I'm a horrible person and he has nothing to apologize for.  His new source rescued him from the likes of me.  It got to the point where everything I did was wrong in his eyes.  If I tried to get back out there and date others, it showed I never loved him.  If I tried to reach out, I was still trying to cling to him and manipulate him. 

[mosaicbird]

I think pwBPD are capable of feeling remorse, but it triggers their core shame and thus, if and when they feel it, it's overwhelming and has to be buried again.

[sad but wiser]

At our breakup she said

"please forgive me for what I've done to your life"

Yep. She said that. It was somewhere between the "i hate you" messages, the "I will love you forever" messages and the "you need to get therapy. You're sick" messages and the "you ruined my life" messages.

On lesser issues, occasionally she would apologize.

Wait a minute, those messages were from YOUR ex?  I thought they were from MY ex.  Do you think there is a board somewhere online where they get these messages and share them around?LOL.

[mosaicbird]

Do you think there is a board somewhere online where they get these messages and share them around?LOL.

That reminds me of something my partner said when things were going all wrong with my exwBPD again... .  Ex was supposedly reading all these books, and having epiphanies, and blah blah blah, but her behavior towards everyone was growing increasingly worse. Partner said to me, ":)oes she think those books are how-to manuals on how to act even MORE disordered?"

[broken but not beaten]

Appology? Not a chance,I thinks being castrated with two house bricks would be less painful than trying to prise an apology from my 'princess'

[LuckyEscapee]

  that was funny!

it feels good to laugh in the face of BPD for a change.

This forum rocks 

[maria1]

I think pwBPD are capable of feeling remorse, but it triggers their core shame and thus, if and when they feel it, it's overwhelming and has to be buried again.

Yes- mine said sorry. He said 'I made it all go to ~ and I'm so sorry'. He also said he did it because I loved him and he had to push me away because that is what he does.

He said he would never forgive himself for what he'd done to me. I said 'It's OK, just try and learn from it, we both made mistakes. I'm OK' I wasn't OK of course and I've had some anger since then.

Right now I'd like to say sorry to mine for telling him to F off a few weeks ago. It wasn't really fair. But I don't need his forgiveness, just my own.

[broken but not beaten]

Maria,  your ex telling you he had to push you away because he loved you was probably the truest words he spoke,I don't mean that to be cruel but in essence that's what they do to us as hard as it is to get our heads around. I don't apologise for what I've said I've been on the receiving end of her vicious tongue,I can forgive myself for allowing me to be treated like that and never shall anyone break me in that way again

[maria1]

Bentnotbroken

He told me all the way through that he would push me away, that I was the last one standing. There's nothing cruel about you saying that. It sums up what he did and even as he did it I could see the terror in his eyes.

I just feel sad for him. What a way to live your life.

[broken but not beaten]

Absoloutely I completely agree it is a sad ilmess for these people. My mom is dBPD and childhood wasn't easy with her,I saw her splitting me and my brother I was always black but hey,moms been I t for years and she now begins to recognise the damge she left behind but its such a slow and painful process for them. I admire her strength and courage to face her demons though. She's my main support in all this and of course you all on BPD family,I see the fear in her eyes its a cruel tormenting illness but it destroys all those around them and the very things they deep down want but can't have because of it

[cal644]

Last night I received this long long long text from my soon to be uBPD wife... .  here are the times she said she was sorry... .  1. I put on a happy face for you and was someone I really wasn't for that I'm sorry.  2. At the end she said she was sorry for hurting me.  But the rest of all the texts were how it was my fault ... .  so out of 1,000 words with most of it me being bad, how she is screwed up in the mind, etc ... .  only one true sorry... .  the first one was for her being somebody I made her to be.

[broken but not beaten]

Cal... try not to take it personally,it hurts I know,they can't help themselves from pushing away the closet people to them,we do built up a fantasy of them and they reflect that back to us,I don't believe they intend to do it we must remember they are ill although that brings no comfort to you. I've never once receieved an apology or any form of recognition for my uxBPDgf behaviour,I still love her but I know I need to let her go because I can't fix her and I have to put my energy into me now. The fantasy and fairytale we all dream of felt so close yet is now so far but that's all it was unfortunately... .  a fantasy. As sad as it is they will keep repeating the pattern time and time again but by blaming others allows them to feel no shame or guilt,the very feelings they are most afraid of which makes them have to look inside,thus challenging their black and white thinking,after all they can't be bad so it must be someone else,ie us

[GettinStronger]

All the apologies i received in the first five years were, i'm sorry but if you had not done x, y and z I wouldn't have yelled at you... .   After years of saying "it's not ok to treat me this way" and i finally cut the cord and walked away... .  now i get about two weeks of i'm really sorry i treated you like that, please forgive me, let's work harder on this... .  blah, blah, blah.  But if I actually dive further into the convo - it ALWAYS comes back to if i had not done x, y or z.  Screw the fact that no matter what i did, I never deserved to be raged at, tore down to the core of my being and kicked verbally over and over again.  But those are "just words" and I'm not supposed to let those hurt me, because I'm supposed to know they are said out of love What the heck? LOL

[MaybeSo]

Yes, my ex apologizes, sincerely.

An apology doesn't cure his attachment disorder, but it's appreciated, nonetheless.

[blurry]

 Mine just broke NC two nights ago to ask what to do with my mail. Seems odd to me since the last thing she told me was that she hoped id die. Based on that, I would of assumed she could care less whether or not i received the mail, plus number two, pretty sure she knows my address and didn't need to break NC to  find it out and ask if i wanted my W2s, of course I'd want them... .  

Anyway, back to the point, after i thanked her for the sudden show of concern, being the immature idiot i am, i threw my new job and new girl in her face, and suddenly, out of nowhere, i finally get the unexpected apology from her for all the nasty things she said to push me away. I apologized too and now as we speak shes starting the light and breezy reminiscing of our good days.

This BPD stuff is absolutely crazy, thank god i know what im dealing with now. She just brought up an incredible day we had back in august, ending with her saying "we were so in love... .  " He we go again, but i'm not falling for it at least.

[blurry]

 This is feeling like deja vu from her last recycle of me, after she had left me to go sleep with her ex for a couple weeks. Good thing something told me to get online, to try to figure out what in the world was wrong with her, and led me to this site after the last breakup.

[hellnback]

I said I was sorry last night. I have been treating her badly and did not feel good about myself. I realized that it doesn't matter if they say sorry or ask for forgiveness. She tries in her own way to make apologies. Maybe i just need to let go and forgive as I would want to be forgivin.

The gift of love and forgiveness is the best we have to give. Maybe thats all we need.

[Confusedandhurt]

My uBPDexgf apologized both during our r/s and afterwards. What was interesting was how many times, when apologizing, she would use the term "ashamed". It was never about true remorse and a change in behavior. Only IMHO it was a reflection of the core shame she feels inside. It was also about having to admit she was wrong when I told her how hurt about this behavior or that. Really sad, as she just seemed to be more interested in getting the apology over with than changing her behavior the next time.

[LuckyEscapee]

as we speak shes starting the light and breezy reminiscing of our good days.

What is it with the trip down memory lane stuff? Like they can erase a million attacks with the memory of one shared ice-cream!

[Not2Crazy]

Mine were the "I'm sorry you made me ... .  " ones

[daintrovert13]

Has anyone had their personwBPD say "I'm sorry would you please forgive me" ?

and

Has anyone told their personwBPD say "I'm sorry would you please forgive me"  ?

I mean is this a "no" way street?

During the relationship NO

After the relationship YES

After she discarded me... .  I guess guilt started to eat at her... .  and that's where I got the most

apologies. Sorry sorry sorry sorry like a darn broken record. Very annoying.