Do pwBPD "test" us?

[Scott44]

My DBPD ex wife tested my loyalty throughout the marriage.

1)  SHE set up a website dedicated to my music.  I had written some original songs (mostly love songs to her).  The site became very popular in our area and some relatively immature young women would sign the guestbook saying they were "in love" with me.  With all this female attention, would I abandon her?  I never considered it once.  In her divorce papers, she blatantly lied, saying that I had set up the site myself.  I have no idea how to set up a website.

2) SHE searched the net to get me back in touch with a woman from my distant past whom she KNEW once had feelings for me.  She began devaluing me and ignoring my needs, those feelings resurfaced and I was drawn into a long-distance, emotional affair.  She left me, took down the website about me, and started a new one about her singer/actress friend.

I guess devoting a website to someone is a form of idolizing that person, and taking the website down part of the devaluing process.  Have any of you had your loyalty "tested" by your SO with BPD?

[sunrising]

My exwBPD was almost constantly "testing" my loyalty/ checking up on me. She would routinely check my emails and texts.  I left my Facebook open at all times on a computer we shared in an attempt to assure her.  I told her she could look through my phone any time she wanted.  I stressed that I didn't want to have a relationship where things felt necessary or even appropriate to either party (she mirrored this), but if it would make her feel better she could see anything, any time.  I could name other ways my loyalty was constantly under scrutiny.   I was completely faithful to her, even when we broke up twice.  She, on the other hand, was not loyal to me.  I chalk her insecurity up to 1) a generally terrible/ absent self-image (she used "I don't deserve you" as a reason we shouldn't be together). 2) Projection- because she was unable to be loyal to me (she had 1 physical affair I know of, at least 2 emotional ones, and admitted at 1 point she "craves attention from men", she assumed I would do the same.   I never did and walked on eggshells trying to convince her of my loyalty and faithfulness.   I was ultimately unsuccessful, which I now know was inevitable.   Her last "meltdown", which lasted 9 days, the last 5 of which she spent in a mental facility, all started when I went to get pizza and a couple beers with the drummer in my band. He and his girlfriend were our best "friend couple".     So yes, they can test you.  Literally and figuratively... .  

[really]

God yes,

My ex used to go through my phone looking for other women's numbers, she would go through my ipad looking to see what sites I had been on.  Testing my loyalty.

But at the same time she was engaging in affairs - going back to her ex and then having an affair with my now replacement.   

At the same time as she was going through my things she would hide her phone, go to the bathroom with it and text other men and get indignant when I said anything about that.

It's a serious mental disorder.

The fact that I am so messed up by all of that 14 months after she ended it abruptly is testament to just how damaging their behaviour is.

[GreenMango]

Consistently... .  exhausting.

One of things that helped me to detach a bit was to reality check things.

This is a good one to do it on:

Could you spend the rest of your life with a person that does this?  Nope, niet, nunca  Sounds like a pretty awful way to live.

[Numbers]

Yes, I would say a BPD relationship is in effect one big test.

They need to test all the time how likely it is they would get abandoned. For me, this was done almost daily in more or less obvious ways.

And they need to keep retesting your boundaries. I had many bizarre moments where I'd agree to something and she'd say she does not really want me to do that, she just wanted to see "where I stand".

Mine even went so far to tell me bluntly that she is testing me and I need to pass that for her to commit.

Damn do I feel silly to have fallen for that.

[WalrusGumboot]

The testing was awful, malicious, cruel at times.

She made me choose between her and family, friends, and my career. It was a daily occurrence. I was getting "in trouble" for things that were completely random and had no control over.

Life with her was miserable. I am so glad it is over.

[mosaicbird]

And they need to keep retesting your boundaries. I had many bizarre moments where I'd agree to something and she'd say she does not really want me to do that, she just wanted to see "where I stand".

Mine even went so far to tell me bluntly that she is testing me and I need to pass that for her to commit.

OMG. Were we with the same person? 

The testing was one of the most intolerable aspects of the relationship for me. I resented it, and felt like I was set up to fail every time. If I gave the wrong answer, you can imagine the result. If I gave the right answer, it was still wrong, because I "didn't sound convincing enough"!

[SarahinMA]

My ex actually ended in the relationship, but then two weeks later claimed that he just wanted a break, but couldn't tell me that.  At the time, I was pretty sure he cheated on me so I unfriended him on FB and asked him for space to heal.  That was the ultimate abandonment.  He actually told a mutual friend months later that I broke up with him. 

[broken but not beaten]

Oh yes I was constantly 'tested'... .  in fact I felt like a performing monkey or puppet on a string! Sad when I look back how silly I was,checking my phone,I had to tell her I loved her at stupid hours of the night if she worked nights during her break. As others have said though she was the one who was involved in an emotional affair when I was devalued first time we split, gosh I used to have hot baths ready for her,clean the house,wash and straighten her hair then when I dared have any opinion she claimed I was putting her under 'too much pressure'. Drum roll... .  let the circus act begin