Schooling challenges for SD12

[ennie]

Well, here we are again... .  it has been a few years since this happened, but it is an old pattern.  It looks like this:  Mom is having a hard time, either kids get really sick at mom's house and get kept home a lot, or they get kept home because mom is "sick."  Then SD12 goes back to school and is behind (she has learning disabilities), and she starts to "hate" school. Mom validates her feelings, blaming "the system" rather than helping SD12 to catch up.  This can be a real downward spiral. 

This time, SD12 is in 6th grade.  BPD mom has had pneumonia for two months.  She is a heavy smoker, and I suspect she has been drinking more again lately, as she has been more emotionally volatile and depressed.  I think she stays in bed a lot when she feels this way.  So I am pretty sure the illness is real, but it is pretty long lasting.  SD12 got sick upon arrival at moms.  It was a real flu, and SD12 missed about 10 days of school, maybe a little less.  She is already feeling overwhelmed by school, but has been really responsible and doing her best. 

This time, she is hiding her grades from her dad, really wanting this to just go away.  Saying stuff like, "I hate the kind of parents who are all in my grades!"  Meaning, clearly, that mom is not "in her grades."  I have had zero to do with school all year, not going to p/t conferences for the first time, and dad has not really spoken to the teacher outside of p/t conferences, and mom has been in bed for 2 months, so it is pretty clear this is based on an manipulation, not reality. 

She asked me to help her with an assignment, and then put it off to the last minute... .  when I gave her feedback that was a little to late to include in a draft, she became really mean and grumpy.  The long and short of it is that we had a go around about it, and a really good talk, and ended up with me really letting her know that her dad will be involved in her school when needed as long as she is a child, because that is his job, and that while I am involved mainly when she asks, that when she is rude and yells it tells us that something is going on that needs our attention. If she wants to be treated like a mature person, doing her work and not yelling at us about it is the best way to keep our involvement low.  And, if she asks me for help and then treats me bad, that affects how I participate.  She ended up really hearing me, and I made some "I imagine it feels... .  " statements, which lead to her to really express how overwhelmed she is, and I was able to let her know that I was there for her, in the best way I can, and that I am open to her helping me do it better.  She was able to express heartfelt gratitude to me for helping at the end, and we got her off to school with a somewhat revised project. 

So here is where I am at.  I love that kid.  I can see her struggle with her feeling of failure and inadequacy, can see her mom feed that, empower it.  See SD12 want to just give up.  And I can see her also want to do her best.  I am so grateful that she lets me help.  I feel like her dad has a hard time setting boundaries without anger, albeit appropriate anger.  Her mom is terrible about boundaries.  Because of the role I have and the way I have chosen to embody it--namely, by having limited school involvement and helping with projects at the request of the kids--I have a limited area of influence, by design and choice.  But it is also more powerful because it is a less coercive role--I am not the mom who should be helping and is not; nor the dad who "catches" her lying about grades.  I am someone who can help her if she wants, and if she can work it out to be kind or real in the process, to not blame or manipulate me.  And she CAN do this.  I am so proud of her. 

I feel her at this precious age where the hard things of life are dawning on her... .  the fact that mean people win sometimes, maybe often; the fact that kids and adults can be cruel; the fact that we fail at some things; that there is cause and effect, limits and boundaries in people and in the world beyond people.  I think what happens at that age is that you realize it applies to YOU.  That you thought you could escape it... .  and then, there you are.  If I could help her with anything, it would be for her to know that it is her passion and care and self-awareness that makes her know that she can fail at what is most important, and that WE can fail at what is most important... .  while giving her support for the strength that I see in her that can take that in and overcome it, or have faith to do what she loves anyway.  I see such a capacity in her for that, and think that is what her mom tries to kill in her.   

I feel fine about my role--so not too many lectures claiming I am rescuing, please.  If i was rescuing, I would be going to the teacher, doing her work for her, taking charge and setting up homework schedules, and so on.  Instead, I am committed to making time for a family meeting to talk about our roles and communication about this stuff.  But I feel afraid of my inadequacy, of getting my buttons pushed by SD12, who knows where they are.  Of failing her by getting caught up in the drama she thinks will get her out of the work... .  of getting caught in blame and anger.  Today, I had one moment of saying in a loud voice, "It is not okay with me for you to talk to me that way!", to which she responded, "It is not okay with me for people to yell at me in my room! Door!" ... .  pointing at the door.  I realized that this approach would yield more lip than results, so I toned it back down to reasonable and said that I respected her privacy when she acts mature, and when she is yelling and saying mean things, I am more inclined to treat her like a younger person who needs less privacy. 

One of the miracles for me is that even when we are both mad, there is a way that SD12 and I speak the same language.  We share core values, so when she gives me lip, she knows and I know that that is not who she really wants to be.  So to get her to do it different, I do not really need to set boundaries, just to point to what we both value, and she just changes.  I feel so grateful as a SM to have this resonance with my SD, really with both my SDs but in different ways.  With SD8, I feel like we are different in what works for us, but that we offer each other complementary skills and weaknesses that can be so helpful, also so challenging in a different way, but always amazing.  SD8 has a big school project that she wanted to do... .  and she asked me if I wanted to do it with her.  It involves construction skills, and I built our home, so she sees me as the building person in the family, more than mom or dad.  So we have been sawing and chatting and building, and it is really great. 

At any rate, I just really hope that between mom, dad, and me, we can offer to SD12 what she needs to succeed.  It is scary.  I guess the back up plan is for me to just really let her know that I see her strength and love and skill, and that 6th grade is not the place where everyone who has great stuff to offer shines the brightest.

Whew.  Parenting is just such a high-consequence job, even just a part-time, part-parent!  You bioparents, and especially single bio-parents, really are amazing!  It depends on so many small moments, saying the "right" think, supporting your values AND your child, even where these two do not meet.  And during this time, so much is decided.  I am okay with SD12 failing.  At small and large things.  I just really want to be on her team, helping her to do what she can with what she has got, whether it is failure or success.  It is funny how much she is upset about parents being engaged... .  when she really seems to love it when it is there.  But I think this is partly all the built in defense-of-mom enmeshed part of her... .  which says if mom is disengaged, that is the right way to be, so the opposite not only calls attention to SD12's failings, but her mom's lack of care for schoolwork. It is painful when DH and I are "better" parents than her mom, because it is her mommy.  I wish I could just hold her heart, and tell her that her mommy is doing her best, like we all are, and that even if her mom makes mistakes, she is being the best mommy she can.  That her dad and I will never be a better mom, because that is the only mom she has got.  But she would hear that as a put down of mom. 

Anyway, it is a hard time for SD12.  I want to spend some one on one time with her.  Maybe an afternoon in my art studio. 

[DreamGirl]

Oh ennie. 

It's hard to let our kids experience natural consequences.

I find one of the most effective ways when it comes to school work is to validate the frustration - and make sure they know just how smart they are. That they can do it. 6th/7th grade also is a big transisition place for a lot of kids.

They get thru it. (Easy to say for me now)

My oldest son didn't get his little butt in gear until he was a sophmore in highschool... .  and is now really kicking himself for the crappy Freshman year he allowed himself. I wish he would have had a stepmom who could've just supported him in it. 

~DG

 

[mamachelle]

Hi Ennie,

I just read through this and in my opinion I think someone (you or H) needs to work with the school at this point. Does your SD have an IEP in place? Is she in a junior high with multiple teachers or still in one classroom most of the day. The school needs to know what is going on or she will just spiral down. I think having her homework reduced or something to get her caught up would help. That is not rescuing and is completely normal. If she has LD and no parent or teacher is advocating for her, and BPDmom is low functioning and interfering with her schooling by making hostile statements about the school, keeping her home, not picking up her homework,  then no wonder she is overwhelmed and is having a lot of problems.

I really like hearing your insightful observations of your relationships with your SD and also how you work with them and relate to them creatively. You seem very in tune to them which is a great thing.

[tog]

My SS13 has a lot of homework challenges. I first got involved with SO when SS was in 5th grade, he's now in 8th. 6th grade was BAD... .  and a lot of it was his mother being totally checked out. I don't think she anticipated how much different elementary and middle school are and just didn't pay attention. He's the type to say, "YEP, all my homework is done" and I think he believes that, he just doesn't write it down in his organizer so it doesn't exist once he gets home!

When SO filed for divorce, SS's mother pulled him out of public school unilaterally and put him in private school, thinking this would solve the problem. SURPRISE! It didn't. By two months in, it was clear that he was very far behind already as he still was doing the "if I don't write it in my organizer it doesn't exist" method of homework.

His mother's style of helping is to either more or less do it for him or ignore it entirely and blame the result on my SO. She doesn't seem to be able to sustain focus on his homework even though she knows it will eventually make her look bad when it's revealed that he hasn't done it... .  there's some disconnect there that I can't figure out. My SO is decent about helping but he too gets angry about the lies and avoidance.

This year, he's doing much better because he gets it done mostly at school. He's just not a kid who can do it once he gets home. My role? Pretty much non-existent. I help if he asks, but otherwise, nothing. So, I would agree... .  talk to the school. They can maybe give her more help there (not you talk to them, your DH).

[david]

My xBPDw ran away with our two boys 5 plus years ago. The divorce was finalized just about 6 months ago. I was granted EOW back then but have gotten 45% today. Ex put our youngest in kindergarten tears ago and I disagreed because of what was happening at home and I didn't think he was ready. Courts let mom decide. He repeated kindergarten. Ex insisted he had a learning disabilty. The school tested him at the earliest age possible and got inconclusive results. They diagnosed him with reading disabilty and was given an IEP. He did fine the second year of kindergarten, did great in 1st and 2nd grade. His teachers questioned me about the IEP and I let them know what I thought. I believe to this day that this was mom's way of blaming any failure in school on son. I pushed that he be tested again in 2nd grade by the same tester and the same tests except at the new agr level. He tested in the top 15 of the nation in math,logic, and chemistry. His word problem abilities tested at a 97 percentile. This from a kid with a reading disabilty ! Throughout this time I stayed focused on son and his needs. The school put him in their advanced third grade class and he is excelling with straight A's. Since January of this year he has done all his math homework with me and 95% of all his other homework with me. I only see him on Monday and Thursday and EOW during the school year.

Our oldest is now in 8th grade. Last year he started middle school and stopped checking his homework every time he was with me. His grades went down and we had a good talk. He does all his homework now and I have been getting him ready for high school. He has an assignment due every other Monday (during mom's weekend). It needs to be signed by a parent. Ex was not signing it. He tried to explain her "logic" to me but neither one of us understood it. S14 now calls me on Sunday and we discuss his assignment. I then send an email to his teacher explaining he discussed it with me. That has become my signature.

Whenever ex throws a new roadblock we (the boys and I) find a way around it. It's much easier then trying to coparent (impossible). I look at it as a positive learning experience for our boys on how to deal with a difficult situation and finding solutions. So, in a way, she really is helping them.

[ennie]

Hi Ennie,

I just read through this and in my opinion I think someone (you or H) needs to work with the school at this point. Does your SD have an IEP in place? Is she in a junior high with multiple teachers or still in one classroom most of the day. The school needs to know what is going on or she will just spiral down. I think having her homework reduced or something to get her caught up would help. That is not rescuing and is completely normal. If she has LD and no parent or teacher is advocating for her, and BPDmom is low functioning and interfering with her schooling by making hostile statements about the school, keeping her home, not picking up her homework,  then no wonder she is overwhelmed and is having a lot of problems.

I really like hearing your insightful observations of your relationships with your SD and also how you work with them and relate to them creatively. You seem very in tune to them which is a great thing.

Thanks, Mamachelle... .  

First, I really appreciate you relating to this as a parenting issue, as I often receive the "you are not the parent" feedback on this board when I have a natural "parental" concern... .  and the reality is that I do have that natural concern, albeit limited options for dealing with it.

SD12 does have an IEP. Last year was the triennial, and unfortunately, it was a real problem because the school told DH that only one parent could have an official IEP meeting... .  unless they wanted to meet at the same time, which is a screaming, raging, disaster so DH has stopped doing meetings with BPDmom that way, unless it is with a professional mediator.  In the past, the school has really worked with him to develop the IEP, as most of SD12's teachers have clued into the fact that DH is the more concerned parent, that BPDmom is really great in some ways, but will mostly want to talk about what a great mom she has in IEP meetings.  So in the past, the teachers would work with DH and mom to come up with a plan, get his okay, then have the "official" meeting with her and get his signature later.  Last year, the school got concerned that it was a legal problem for there to be two meetings with two different parents signing... .  it is supposed to be at one meeting.  So DH just gave in to be gracious, and thus the IEP does not have the accommodations that have worked so well in the past. It is more generic.  But that may not matter this year, as the teacher does not believe in IEP's anyway... .  

The teacher is pregnant, not a great teacher, and overhwhelmed... .  really young.  She "does not believe" in IEP's, but wants to work with the kid directly to develop what works for the kid. This is difficult on a number of levels for SD12... .  she has two homes, so there is a lot of confusion on transition days, which means that even when she has the best of intentions, she is often too overwhelmed to remember all that she needs to remember, and our homes are really different, so there is stress dealing with a different set of rules and responsibilities.  Then there is the BPD effect, where mom has the style of if it is not working, make up an alternate reality.  So SD12 has reinforcement for saying "I turned it in" when she did not.  She also really wants to cover for her mom's parental lassitude, so she tends to pretend that things are happening that are not... .  

Having worked in schools many years of my life, as an aide and private school instructor, and knowing SD12 well, here is what I think needs to happen.  My sense is that she needs to have some of the accommodations listed in the old IEP--sitting closer to the teacher, having more time, reduced homework, a little more support.  Second, I think the teacher needs to "get" that with two homes and the lack of communication between homes, SD12 needs support in meeting deadlines. Finally, I think the special ed folk actually need to challenge her more... .  the problem is that mom does not help with homework or deadlines, then argues that SD12 should have easier work, and when teachers agree, SD12 gets really bored and gives up on herself.  What we are seeing is that SD12 is getting really low grades in the class with the disconnected teacher (sadly, her homeroom); doing great with her most challenging classes; and doing too well in Special Ed math, as she is learning almost nothing.  So she needs a combination of harder work and more accountability where she has a high teacher to student ratio, and more attention and a little more accommodation where the teacher to student ratio is low. 

But this is complex, and hard to communicate.  DH is really busy, and this kind of communication is stressful for him.  I have been asking him to meet with the teacher, and he has, but just about some specific assignments.

And this is where I have such a hard time with the family dynamic... .  DH sees a problem, talks with me and SD12 about it, but he will not follow through if it is stressful.  So I am just doing my best to keep asking myself how I feel, and do I want to talk with the teacher?  She is actually an old acquaintance of mine--we were involved in an adult competitive sports league together in the past, and I know her family.  So there is an opening there, but I have been completely uninvolved this year. 

Yesterday, SD12 and I had some great talks about various things.  I was really cranky and just wanted to be alone, and SD12 really wanted to talk with me about some things.  I told her that I was fine talking and listening, as long as she understood that I have no authority over the things she was asking about, so I wanted to have an egalitarian conversation, where we each got to express our feelings and listen to the other person fully, and in which she was not trying to convince me of her side, as it would not help since I have no authority there.  She agreed.  At one point I asked her why she wanted to talk with me, given that I was kind of cranky and not that fun to be around... .  and she told me it was because she wanted to talk to someone who would really listen to her.  We had a great talk in which she expressed a lot of fears about summer camp and school work and other things. She cried, and just shared a lot with me about this precious, challenging time of life.  Almost 13. 

So I am really aware of how open she is to me as a mentor.  I am aware that I could talk to her teachers, could help them understand her better.  I do not think that would automatically be a "rescue" or overstepping my bounds as SM--DH would totally support that, given my educational background.  But the truth is, I feel frustrated by DH giving in last year to the school empowering mom and not him; I feel frustrated that the IEP is now inadequate; and I feel frustrated at how long he puts off the hard talks.  And I think I just do not want to enter in coming from an angry place, when I am interceding into something as a party who has no rights, no power.  If I speak up, it is from a powerless place, and I can do that, but I do not want to bring any anger into that. 

I also do not want to "fail" SD12.  Meaning, I HAVE taken on a somewhat parental role in her life, in that I am committed to her well-being.  What that means is not rescuing her all the time, but looking from a wiser place at what I have to offer that will help give her the tools she needs to be able to be the person SHE wants to be.  In this case, I do have communication tools and knowledge that could help her learn to read and write better, which are important skills that if not learned in grade school, can present a real obstacle in high school and adult life.

At the same time, I have a number of ways I can act on that.  Last year, I had a very hard time being involved with DH and the school--we were involved in custody litigation, BPDmom was playing supermom and being vicious when not in the public eye; we thought the case would end any day, so DH kept deferring talking to the school about important issues like the IEP, court orders related to the school, and so forth; and he also was stressed enough that he kept me in the dark, so when he wanted me to come to meetings I would be prepared and he would not, but I would not know about key agreements, so I would be helping to advocate for what he wanted, when it turned out he had changed his mind... .  a stepmom nightmare.  I could tell the whole story with way more detail, but suffice it to say that I decided that no direct involvement with the school for this year was the best choice for me.  I go to events, drop off the kids one day a week.  But beyond that, no involvement. 

I guess what I am finding is that this choice does not feel best to me.  That I think I made the choice because I could not be emotionally okay with how it was going at that time, and that DH had no ability to negotiate with me on that topic as both of us were totally emotionally overwhelmed by the court case (it was a classic custody battle with a BPD person, lots of false accusations, including allegations of sexual abuse against the kids (favorite) paternal grandma. So it was the best I could do at the time, but what I see now is that if I feel SD12's basic academic needs are not being met and I can affect the outcome on an important issue, I do want to explore how I can best do that rather than taking refuge in the "These are not my kids/responsibility" rhetoric.  The truth is that regardless of whether or not they are my responsibility, they are people I want to help if I can do so in a way that gives them more power and ability in an age appropriate way. 

So, in sum, I think the questions I need to ask myself are about how best to do this, to make a plan and stick with it.  Is it  "talk to DH in a more serious way and commit to a plan of action?" is it, "give DH a deadline to talk to the teacher and talk to her myself if he does not do it?" Is it "ask DH if he sees an issue, and what is it?  What does he think he should do?"  Or is it "make a more committed plan to mentor SD12 on these issues during the time we have her with us, including getting her to make clearer academic goals?"  She is pretty good at that right now.  Feedback on these ideas is helpful, though I realize some of it just needs to be me taking the time to think about this long enough to get a feel for what seems right to me. 

DG--I think that I am pretty good with SD12 and dealing with "natural consequences;"  but there are times when if the consequence is that SD12 does not learn to write, and flunks language arts, natural consequences may not be the right way.  If she lived with us more than half of the time, I think this could work... .  but if she misses two weeks of school with mom, then it is really hard for her to catch up, and we need to support her more strongly than "yes, that is really frustrating."  My experience with her is that once she is held to doing daily homework for a few days, and after the first weekend with her, SD12 is GREAT with a natural consequences approach--she is very conscientious and often the best way when she is rebelling against "having to do it" is to ask what she wants to do, and what she thinks will happen then, and how that feels to her... .  but on the week back from mom's, if she has missed a lot of school and is really behind, she adopts her mom's "who cares? I am going to fail anyway" attitude, and then letting her fail just justifies this view.  So I think a little more attention is needed... .  

Tog, the BPDmom in your life sounds so similar... .  it is either do the work for the kids, or let them fail, even keeping them out of school for extended periods.  Mom has never really been one for helping the kids in school... .  she likes to volunteer in the class, especially for the little ones, but until the year of custody litigation, she only did one class project out of 15 with the kids over the 6 years I have been in their lives... .  and every year, she starts off insisting that she should get all the projects, and DH says "fine", and then she puts them off, until the kids come to us days before the project is due, and we both desperately help the kids to pull their projects together.  This year, that is what happened for SD12's major project, which mom was supposed to do with her... .  it involved seeds germinating, which means that the fact that it got put off until a week before it is due may mean it is impossible to complete; and SD8 just told me, "This year I want you to help me with my project.  I want to do a really big project, and I think sometimes mom wonders, 'why did I not have more normal kid, who wants to make a collage or something? Instead of a big construction project?'"  When I asked her how this felt, she sounded happy, "It is great, because now I get to surprise her with it! She will love it!"  Which seemed to me like a pretty admirable and realistic view of it, while still maintaining self esteem and doing a pretty awesome project--she wanted to make a person-sized shoe for a project, so I am helping her do it.  Go, girl!

[DreamGirl]

DG--I think that I am pretty good with SD12 and dealing with "natural consequences;"  but there are times when if the consequence is that SD12 does not learn to write, and flunks language arts, natural consequences may not be the right way.  If she lived with us more than half of the time, I think this could work... .  but if she misses two weeks of school with mom, then it is really hard for her to catch up, and we need to support her more strongly than "yes, that is really frustrating."  

I think I might have said these exact words once - about my own son (ADD and had an IEP until the 5th grade).

I followed a teacher's advice when he was in 8th grade - and he all but failed every class (Straight D's)except PE.

I know you want to step in, and I know that you are in a parenting/mentor role. I also don't think you're rescuing... .  I think you're doing what a lot of us do.

Problem solving.

You're blessed with more logic and less emotion as the secondary-non. Your not having to really deal with the ex, he is. (Like he should be).

I don't really see a problem with you pushing the hubs in this arena. I probably would - with skills I've learned in communicating with him as far as empowering him and not telling him what to do. I don't think it's stepping on toes when the concern is valid and for the most part will help EVERYONE involved - including Mama. I softenend my own boundary of "I don't get involved in major issues when it comes to children I didn't give birth to" when my SD12 (now 13) started having major depression and suicidal ideations. I really pushed for counseling. I also called the counselor who was recommended by my own therapist, made the appointment myself and took the steps so our insurance covered it. I even helped the hubs make a checklist of concerns and assist him in verbalizing it without disparging Mama (who he wanted to blame).

Sometimes we get to do that when all the advice/books/message boards tell us not to. My SD12's mental health was at stake - that was more important to me then anything else.

I also think at some point, your little munchkin needs to participate in being her own champion. Finding her own motivating factors in this.

My son didn't grasp that concept until his sophmore year (and I thank my lucky stars constantly).  

She has lots of people who care about her - including you - it's the right formula for success.

You just have to figure out the right approach, which can sometimes take some trial and error. Any chance your husband would consider a parenting coach?

~DreamGirl

[david]

The IEP meetings never worked when ex and I were both there. I talked to the principal and said I wanted a phone conference since I was unable to make the meeting. Yea, I lied. That first meeting went better than any other one did. Ex was totally silent. My voice was not enough to trigger her and she had nothing to contribute. Two weeks later we had a follow up meeting. Ex called school last minute and said she couldn't make it and wanted a phone conference (that meant both of us on phones). The principal called and I said I would be there. I left work and that meeting was better than the last one. The speaker phone was silent. This game went on for several times and I always countered it with the help of the school because they "got it" even though it didn't make any sense. The exact qoute from the principal, "Mr. non, I see that this is working well for S7 but it just doesn't make any sense". I laughed and said, "It took me years to figure these kind of things out and as long as it helps S7 I really don't care to try to make sense of it anymore".

You indicated the school gets it. Perhaps finding a school counselor or someone else to have contact DH and have that person guide things in the school. Give them a list of things you think may work or have worked in the past and also ask for suggestions.

"pushing the nubs in this area" sounds like a good idea. A phone conference with you there but silent may also help. You can help DH with ideas that way and ex doesn't have to know.

[mamachelle]

The teacher is pregnant, not a great teacher, and overhwhelmed... .  really young.  She "does not believe" in IEP's, but wants to work with the kid directly to develop what works for the kid. This is difficult on a number of levels for SD12... .  she has two homes, so there is a lot of confusion on transition days, which means that even when she has the best of intentions, she is often too overwhelmed to remember all that she needs to remember, and our homes are really different, so there is stress dealing with a different set of rules and responsibilities.  Then there is the BPD effect, where mom has the style of if it is not working, make up an alternate reality.  So SD12 has reinforcement for saying "I turned it in" when she did not.  She also really wants to cover for her mom's parental lassitude, so she tends to pretend that things are happening that are not... .  

Having worked in schools many years of my life, as an aide and private school instructor, and knowing SD12 well, here is what I think needs to happen.  My sense is that she needs to have some of the accommodations listed in the old IEP--sitting closer to the teacher, having more time, reduced homework, a little more support.  Second, I think the teacher needs to "get" that with two homes and the lack of communication between homes, SD12 needs support in meeting deadlines. Finally, I think the special ed folk actually need to challenge her more... .  the problem is that mom does not help with homework or deadlines, then argues that SD12 should have easier work, and when teachers agree, SD12 gets really bored and gives up on herself.  What we are seeing is that SD12 is getting really low grades in the class with the disconnected teacher (sadly, her homeroom); doing great with her most challenging classes; and doing too well in Special Ed math, as she is learning almost nothing.  So she needs a combination of harder work and more accountability where she has a high teacher to student ratio, and more attention and a little more accommodation where the teacher to student ratio is low. 

Hi Ennie,

I think in those 2 paragraphs above you are saying a lot. It sounds like the pregnant teacher is in to this thing called RTI or Response to Intervention. It is kind of a crock IMHO and was used to gut the IEPs at the junior high level for my DD then 11 and my SS then 13. My DD now 13 has no Special Ed, just signed up for all college ready classes at the HS and just works really hard to overcome her dyslexia. My SS now15 is a different story and his gutted IEP and mental health issues and all have led him to be in an even more Special Ed environment at the high school.

Puberty is a funny thing, it can really wreak havoc on a kid with a potential for mental health problems--- genetic and environmental --- that your DSD 12 has--- that is why 12 is a good time to intervene before the harder work hits and high school looms large.

There is no law against DH calling a meeting with the school without Mom to go over the concerns with multiple teachers.

The IEP can be amended if need be, but I do think someone needs to act.

My DH will do whatever I tell him.

I have resentment that I work hard to overcome. I've just recently come back to these boards after a mostly 5 year hiatus so this whole-- stepmama not get involved paradigm-- well, I'm a little late to the party 

In my case, I have a low functioning, absentee BPD Mom and a DH who will do what I ask. I am the main point of contact for all my kids at the schools. It is way easier than waiting for DH to act.

I also have a SMOM that is an edu lawyer (former spec ed teacher) and a Dad that is a retired PDOC so I often have my SMOM drafting these very legal doc emails and I just soften them and add in my own observations and voila-- mountains move... .  

I know that the schools will always try to please the parent and I think the things you are looking for are fairly easy to implement  and also do no require a brand new IEP meeting as far as I can tell.

I hope this helps. I think your SD is very lucky to have you.

[NorthernGirl]

Ennie -- I posted a reply yesterday that seems to have gone into cyberspace. I won't repeat it all here, in case it shows up again, but I will provide a few of the key things that I mentioned in case you never saw it.

When SS18 (who has development delays) was 11 his mom (UBPD) pulled him from school saying the classes were too hard, homework was too hard, his aide was too hard on him, etc. She did this without DH's permission or knowledge. And DH didn't do much to stop her -- he tried reasoning with her over and over and funny thing that didn't work. 

She eventually got home schooling going for SS18, which was a horrible waste of time. He sat for a couple hours a day with an untrained aide who helped him do workbooks and he had no interaction with other kids, then he and the aide would watch TV. This went on for almost two years (although she would fire the aides so SS18 would have four months off in the summer.)

I pushed DH to go to his lawyer. Eventually he got a signed order that ensured he had 50/50 custody of SS18 and that SS18 got an educational assessment and they would both follow the assessor's recommendation. The recommendation was that SS18 be returned to a classroom setting, slowly. Which meant more homeschooling. So DH's ex bailed and sent SS18 to live with us. 

I jumped in (have some training in adult learning but nothing in working with a special needs kids) and helped homeschool SS18 until we could get him into school part-time and eventually full-time. I leaned on my sisters (both teachers, one who taught special ed for years) and two retired teachers to help as tutors. We also got a teacher who agreed to do an IEP for SS18. I set a goal of helping SS18 love to learn again (he was bored and so not point, and his mother had told him he didn't need to go to school or work much because he would get government money.) When we got SS18 back into school part-time, I worked with his teacher so his tutor and I could supplement what he was learning in school and help get him ready to go back full-time, which he did the next year.

Did I do more than I should have? Maybe. Did I push DH? Absolutely. Would DH have fought if I wasn't in the picture? Unlikely. Would all stepmoms do what I did? No. But I did what I felt was right at the time. Since then DH's ex has decided to get involved in SS18's education again. I have backed away from all educational stuff now. I haven't met his teacher, don't go to parent/teacher interviews, etc.

SS18 is going to graduate with a high school certificate this year. He is thrilled. He is signed up for a program in the fall through the school system where he will get to try out some trades. He has worked part-time, some through work experience class at the school, for the last 3 years. He is so happy that he can see a future -- he was terrified when he was being homeschooled because he knew he couldn't go to university like his brothers and didn't know what he could do with his life. He still doesn't know what he'll do for work but is much less anxious about it now.

In hindsight, I wouldn't do anything different. Sure I was worn out and in over my head -- but I also was able to step back and go back to my career later. SS18 have a bond now that we may not have had if we hadn't gone through this together. His mother has tried to turn him against me, but he knows that I care about him so won't give in to her threats. He has said he wished his mom would have not pulled him from school because then he could have graduated last year. But he is quick to defend her and is often confused about how things played out.

You'll have to decide what level of support you are comfortable providing. It's an individual decision and only you can make it. I just want you to know that I realize it isn't easy and that you are not alone. 

[mamachelle]

Hi ennie,

Just wanted to add in one more thing. I have been there with the contentious IEP meetings and Mom w/BPD. We used to have back to back IEP Meetings because she was so hostile. One time I think she threw a rock at my windshield while I was in the IEP and she was on the way in to hers. Eventually she became so self absorbed and just stopped caring or coming and now she lives across the country. I didn't want to minimize that fight or that tension in my family dynamic either and make it seem all so easy la la la.

A lot of what goes on with us at this point (my DH and I) with the kids is a division of labor. He just is not that good at dealing with teachers when it comes to the nitty gritty world of getting special ed acommodations. That is--  if there is something critical that needs to be expressed to the school then I am usually the one that does it. Too often teachers and other folks in these meetings have met before and come in with preconceived notions. I am very direct with them if I feel one of my kids is needing help. If you don't think your H can handle saying No or saying Wait a minute... .  to the teachers then I would recommend you attend or take action.

Without going in to too much detail---I fought tooth and nail last year to keep my SS15 out of an alternative High school for kids with felonies and kids who are pregnant and to get the autism designation as they kept classifying him as if he was just emotionally disturbed. I must have attended and called 8 school meetings at least last year (4 of these were IEP because of all the changes going on with transitioning to the high school) . Some of these meetings had like 15 people there and there I was, stepmama, standing up and saying hey, this is wrong, you have it all wrong... .  and finally finally some one listened and said hey-- what about this placement-- and it was like  the heavens opened and a ray of light came down... .  yes, it was a complete and utter time suck but worth it as now he is in the proper classroom setting and thriving after being hospitalized last year for suicidal ideations and school failure.

Phew. This stuff just isn't easy to retell either.

[david]

It's tough if you don't know how the system is set up at the particular school. If you can find an advocate inside of the school it really helps because they know what to tell you to say and they can guide you. I found a counselor, only one got it, that was a great help. She gave me info that made the school do the right thing for one of my SS's

[ennie]

Thanks, all.  We are on a 2 week/2 week schedule at this point, and now it is a week later... .  and amazingly, SD12 had a total turnaround and brought all of her grades up by a full grade!  It is just so interesting how she is so able to use this environment to do well now that she is this age... .  she still tanks a little at moms at times, but she does not feel the loyalty bind which makes her resist doing better at our home like she used to.  

It was sort of amazing.  :)H and I had some really hard talks with her, her pitching a fit, etc., as described above. I did not meet with the teacher, and I just asked DH to meet with the teacher.  But I told SD12 that of course her parents care and will be involved in her schooling, because she is a child and we care, and will help with school until she is a grown up.  So if she does not like her dad meeting with her teacher, she should be straight with him about what is going on, and if she is failing to turn things and lying about it, parents who care find out what is going on.  Period.  Not because she is bad and we want to embarrass her, not because we do not want her to get good grades, but because we want her to learn things she needs to learn so she has skills she needs when she grows up.  Because we care.  

The next day after dad met with the teacher, she was completely grateful.  And we all talked about it again, and she said she was sorry for getting mad at her dad and me (mostly at dad), and that she was really glad we care.  

Then she got to work and turned in a bunch of stuff, and asked her teacher to accept some late work because she was ill.  She had to stay home ill yesterday with a sinus infection, a residual thing from her illness at moms, and she really did not want to stay home, but agreed it was good to do until she saw a doctor, but only if she could work on the projects that were do so she did not do anything late.  She was totally on top of her work, did an excellent job, and turned in two big assignments on time.  I stayed home with her and we both set our goals for the day, and I did not have to bug her once about it.  

I have not been involved much in school this year, as I said, because it was really getting old, dealing with me constantly trying to get DH to be prepared for meetings, etc.  

So this year, I have attended no meetings, and the whole first semester I was involved in a big legal project for an NGO that involved a lot of evening meetings, so I was not around for homework hardly ever.  So I have pulled way back, as DG has often suggested.  But recently, I have been aware that SD is flailing a little, and I realize that me not being involved has been a real hole for her, though I tend to think of myself as the back up parent, not central, as DH does most all of the school drop offs, volunteers in school, and is the homework guy.  What I realized is that while DH is the main school person, I am often the standard bearer... .  I often will check work, or will help with final drafts of projects (and am often the project person), and because I have taught a lot before and love teaching kids, I am the go-to person when it is not fun, as I can make it fun.  So not having me around was hard on SD12, though surely it is also puberty, and her teacher, and that homework and schoolwork is getting harder.

The really touching thing is that as SD12 started trying harder, she started expressing a lot of gratitude, for herself and us and the teacher she does not like.  At dinner time, we say what we are grateful for each day, and a few nights ago, she said, "I am really grateful for my teacher.  I realized I should stop giving her a hard time, stop blaming her when I am not doing well in school.  Because she is really nice if I just give her a chance, and if I own what I am not doing well, she really wants to help me. And I am grateful for my parents for helping me even when I am grumpy or mean."  I am just so happy that she is identifying the behavior that makes that relationship difficult, which is exactly how her mom behaves and probably WHY she uses that method when at mom's, but SD12 can SEE what she is doing, own it, and notice how her behavior impacts the relationship to make it appear that the teacher is mean and distracted, when in fact she is doing her best.  

What is hard to see is that every two weeks, it is this kind of turnaround.  That things are going so badly for SD12, at least in her mind... .  and then every two weeks, she pulls back from the brink, fixes the problems, improves her grades, apologizes to friends she has offended, etc.  She is happy, has energy, nothing is insurmountable.  Then she goes back to the struggle... .  I just hope this does not become a grown-up pattern for her, that she is able when she is no longer at mom's home to seek a more even keel.  But I am also really glad it seems so easy for us to help with her problems at this age, that they look dark and dismal, but that the instincts DH and I have to address it seem so helpful, and that SD12 does indeed have her own capacities to champion her own cause, and more importantly, to self-correct and be grateful for those willing to help her, even her annoying parents! And her gratitude is really so genuine, it makes it completely worth it.

I think the thing that makes me know I am not doing too much rescuing is how appreciative SD12 is when I help her.  She notices exactly the things that are hard for me, where I choose to go out of my way.  She lets me know how much it means to her, and that it is exactly what she needed.  She was noticing how some grown-ups treat kids like they do not count, and how we are not like that as a family.  I poked her and said, "You count to me!" and she looked at me in the eyes, and said very sincerely, "You count to me, too!" 

So, crisis averted.  Until next week... .  

[mamachelle]

Thanks, all.  We are on a 2 week/2 week schedule at this point, and now it is a week later... .  and amazingly, SD12 had a total turnaround and brought all of her grades up by a full grade!  It is just so interesting how she is so able to use this environment to do well now that she is this age... .  she still tanks a little at moms at times, but she does not feel the loyalty bind which makes her resist doing better at our home like she used to.  


What is hard to see is that every two weeks, it is this kind of turnaround.  That things are going so badly for SD12, at least in her mind... .  and then every two weeks, she pulls back from the brink, fixes the problems, improves her grades, apologizes to friends she has offended, etc.  She is happy, has energy, nothing is insurmountable.  Then she goes back to the struggle... .  I just hope this does not become a grown-up pattern for her, that she is able when she is no longer at mom's home to seek a more even keel.  But I am also really glad it seems so easy for us to help with her problems at this age, that they look dark and dismal, but that the instincts DH and I have to address it seem so helpful, and that SD12 does indeed have her own capacities to champion her own cause, and more importantly, to self-correct and be grateful for those willing to help her, even her annoying parents! And her gratitude is really so genuine, it makes it completely worth it.

I think the thing that makes me know I am not doing too much rescuing is how appreciative SD12 is when I help her.  She notices exactly the things that are hard for me, where I choose to go out of my way.  She lets me know how much it means to her, and that it is exactly what she needed.  She was noticing how some grown-ups treat kids like they do not count, and how we are not like that as a family.  I poked her and said, "You count to me!" and she looked at me in the eyes, and said very sincerely, "You count to me, too!" 

So, crisis averted.  Until next week... .  

Ennie

This sounds really good. Yay! I don't know if you can get this through the parents, but I would suggest a T for SD at least once a month or once a week when she is with you to work through her difficult transitions between houses and the huge disparity in the parenting style and any problems with friends since her behavior sounds a little off with her GFs when she is at mom's. I think the 2 week on 2 week off is ok for now, but as she gets older she is probably going to want to live more at your house as mom's behavior is going to make friendships and extracurriculars hard. Again, nice to hear a good outcome.

[ennie]

Oh, the T... .  that is a totally DIFFERENT story... .  When I first started dating DH and BPD mom accused me of some inappropriate behavior with the kids (which couldn't be  farther than the truth... .  ), and then threatened and attacked us for the first time, I insisted that if I was going to date him, the kids needed to be seeing counselors. The first T was bowled over by bPDmom, had no experience.

She stopped seeing the kids. 

Then the kids started seeing a new T.  The described her as their best adult friend, totally loved her.  And after about a year, she really got mom's mental illness, how it affected the kids, and she was great at helping them.  She was totally open with us about her concerns, and asked during the custody litigation to try to make sure she did not have to testify, because she thought it would destroy her relationship with the kids. So we agreed.  By the end of the litigation, though, mom had figured out that the T was there for the kids and not for her, so she went ballistic, and in front of the kids, told the T that she is a terrible therapist, does not care about the kids, etc.  At that point, SD12 began to state that T was not a good therapist, and after a few more sessions, basically refused to see the T; the T said she was unwilling to see SD12 if SD12 did not want to see her. 

Now SD8, who adores the T, is starting to say the same stuff. 

We have not really dealt with what to do about this.  The bottom line is that it takes about a year for a T to figure out the family dynamic (which is basically that mom gets the kids to lie about what happens in her home, and that mommy is perfect), and then when the T can really help the kids to cope, mom destroys that relationship.  It is really sad, but there is not really anything we can do about it. 

So right now, I have been urging DH to get SD12 a new T.  But it is such a catch 22... .  BPDmom wants her to see a T that only she knows and that only knows mom's side of the story, which is variable by the week but is some version of she is a good mom, we are wild, inappropriate people (she basically projects all of her worst behavior on us though this is the opposite of what is true) and she is totally normal and good and sane (and it is DH's fault that she does not have a home but lives in a room in someones home with two kids, has no job, and gets DUI's... .  BAD DH for leaving her and making her be an unstable person).  The T she wanted to use is someone I know who is fairly psychologically unstable--someone whose family I know well over 30 years, and exactly the kind of person BPDmom tends to feel safe with because she can easily manipulate them.  If DH suggests a reputable therapist, BPD mom will assume he is suggesting the person just because he is friends with the person and wants to control the therapy process... .  because that is what SHE is doing. 

So we are a little stuck... .  

And while I think SD12 could really use a counselor, the reality is that she really is doing better than any time in the past 6 years I have been with DH at talking about and dealing with what is going on, rather than just not talking about what is difficult and pretending it is fine.  So I think it is more urgent for SD8, but we will work on finding a T for SD12 in a way that does not trigger mom at the outset... .  SD12 is pretty enmeshed, so if mom is triggered, she will reject the therapist. 

[david]

"asked during the custody litigation to try to make sure she did not have to testify, because she thought it would destroy her relationship with the kids" Well mom did that so would the T be willing to assist you now ? Just throwing an idea out there. This may be helpful or not depending on the circumstances. Exposing mom by as many witnesses as possible forces judges to make the right decision.

Documenting all the illnesses, children falling behind in school, etc. may not be enough by itself but adding a T to the mix may be sway the judge to actually think about the kids best interest.

[ennie]

"asked during the custody litigation to try to make sure she did not have to testify, because she thought it would destroy her relationship with the kids" Well mom did that so would the T be willing to assist you now ? Just throwing an idea out there. This may be helpful or not depending on the circumstances. Exposing mom by as many witnesses as possible forces judges to make the right decision.

Documenting all the illnesses, children falling behind in school, etc. may not be enough by itself but adding a T to the mix may be sway the judge to actually think about the kids best interest.

Perhaps, though we have no interest presently in entering into any litigation.  We just finished 2 years of litigation almost a year ago, and are completely tapped out emotionally and financially.  We are still paying off the last lawyer's bill, and are broke.  And the kids are doing well, generally.  But yes, at the end of litigation, the T stated that she felt mom was "toxic" for the children, and I am sure she would testify if we needed to go back to court.  But things would have to get much worse to make that happen right now.   But it is a nice insurance card, as BPDmom keeps threatening to take DH back to court, and has made false allegations of various things.  But in sum, it is a time when we are relieved to have most of the issues that come up be relatively "normal" teenage and 8 year old issues, and while mom is not great, she loves the kids the best she can and we did what DH was willing to do to get more custody and the result was that we got 50/50, which we already had, with some good parenting plan provisions, many of which have really helped reduce conflict.  So I think our goal is to reduce the kids' exposure to conflict as much as possible and provide them with a stable, loving family environment in our home; custody litigation works against these needs in the short term, and we have what we need in the parenting plan for the moment.  I am sure that the kids would be happier and more stable if we had more custody, but I am not sure a court would grant it given mom's superficial ability to appear to be a good mom and the kids' dedication to her--and I am sure that more litigation would severely harm the kids and their relationship with us, as well as their sense of safety and well being.  So we are stuck with what we have for the moment. 

[tog]

UGH, the therapist issue. SO's stbxw has totally manipulated SS's therapist into thinking she farts rainbows and SO is an abusive monster (and unlike yours, time just seems to solidify the therapist's lack of understanding, not help her catch on).

Unbelievable waste of time and worst of all, the therapist has only helped stbxw alienate SS and caused more damage. She's twice written letters to court recommending mom get full custody. She believes every lie told to her.

I say no therapist at all is far, far, FAR better than a negative advocate one. Can SD8 see her school counselor? They are usually better at staying neutral because the school demands it.

[ennie]

I say no therapist at all is far, far, FAR better than a negative advocate one. Can SD8 see her school counselor? They are usually better at staying neutral because the school demands it.

Sounds like you have had a hard time, and I can totally relate... .  the coparenting counselor was like that for the first 6 sessions. 

But this counselor is great for SD8.  We are happy with the present situation.  It is SD12 who has rejected the counselor.  I am not sure if the school counselor would be a great option, as SD12 has been really taught to be very private and secret, and a lot of SD12's current issues are with school friends, and she would probably be paranoid that the school counselor would "tell."

[tog]

If you found a great one, that's wonderful. But you can be sure that if their mother is allowed to pick, it won't be someone who is helpful to SD, it'll be someone who is helpful to MOM.

[mamachelle]

Hey ennie,

Lots of disturbing stuff going on with the therapy. oh man. I feel so bad when the kids aren't safe or feel safe with their therapists. It took me a long time as a kid to trust my therapists. I don't think it was until I was in college and I knew they were not reporting to my parents. I just remembered my first stepmom once yelled me at me in the car all the way home, 30 minutes about how I had lied about her. Looking back I think she is/was some kind of sociopathicNPD person.

At any rate, I do think david has a point about documenting passively the stuff as it occurs. If BPDmom decides to try something having dates and documented stuff really helps. I realize you are drained but with a BPDparent you can never be too vigilant.

Also tog's point about not taking bPDmom's therapist and farting rainbows... .  

I have 2 DD 13 and 16 and 12 yo is when all the really intense stuff is starting to happen. The things my D are telling me their friends are doing at the age are just really out there. Experimenting with sex and drugs and then there is the internet.

Well, feeling old, but I do think keeping those lines of communication open with your SD is really really important. Just talking side by side working on stuff and try to see what is going on with her friends. I talk all the time with my Ds about friends and they have learned to analyze like I do. I really care so much about these young kids and it is heart breaking when I hear about the girls I was GS leader for using drugs or cutting or what have you.

I do also worry about all the kids on these boards with these dysfunctional parents. Sure I survived them and many are thriving and it is so good. It is just   so hard sometimes when I read these posts about parents blocking and manipulating therapy.