Why do pwBPD recycle the exes?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am the ex-wife so I guess that makes me Ex No1.  Our first split was very sad at the time but it wasn't completely irrational based on the few years before it.  However, that was when the pattern of him leaving and wanting back started.  I asked for some time - the year before the separation had been hell and I was utterly exhausted and knew I needed a break. 

I didn't want a permanent one but shortly after me asking for some time, he met someone he'd known many years ago when we were first married (platonic but he remembered her as a good person).  The day after meeting her again, he told me he wanted to stick to separating/divorce and then a week later was on a date.  Ten days later the kids met her etc etc.  it was a torrid time - he seemed to have found a soulmate but was still attached to me.  He broke up with her after six months.  Made her Ex No2.   He asked for a reconciliation.  I was so happy.  I was convinced that we had both had had some sort of mid-life crisis but had both realised we did still love each other and want to be together.

Most of you will be familiar with what happened next because you've been in similar situations - he then recycled us both several times.  I thought of my situation as different to hers.  I thought I was the one he really loved but because i had hurt him and in his mind 'left' him, he became scared that I'd 'leave' again and so he would leave me and a few weeks later be back with Ex No2.

The time before last that we got together, he admitted after reconciliation that there had been a very brief relationship with someone from work (got on well at work; slept together once but both decided it wasn't the right time). Enter Ex No.3.   Again, I saw her as another 'band aid'/distraction as this was how he used to explain his attempts at other relationships.

The last time we got together was after our divorce.  Lasted nearly six months.  Neither of us ever mentioned No3 - I didn't think it was an issue.  However, I recently learned that weeks after our last break-up, he got together with her.  It all seems to be going very well and our children see her just about every time they are with their Dad.   

I thought I had been through the worst - that I knew about BPD and could cope with what has been happening but I read a post recently with the following quote "I made you the priority and you made me an option".  I can't get this out of my head.  I am realising that I am no different to Ex No2 and current girlfriend - I have just been an option in recent years.  I was just as much a 'band aid'.  I am even wondering if he used me recently to fill in time until the current girlfriend was ready for a relationship.

I have been angry and confused before but nothing has prevented me from colluding with the recycling.  Hard as it is to feel 'used' and an option, it might be something that can move me forward enough to detach more completely. 

Does anyone have an explanation for why some pwBPD recycle with people they've been attached to before?  I think if I can see myself as no different to the girlfriends, it would help me accept that the reality is not that he really wants to be with me/loves me but is too scared/overwhelmed etc. Rather, the reality is that he can't love me (ever) in a consistent, healthy way.

[clairedair]

I am the ex-wife so I guess that makes me Ex No1.  Our first split was very sad at the time but it wasn't completely irrational based on the few years before it.  However, that was when the pattern of him leaving and wanting back started.  I asked for some time - the year before the separation had been hell and I was utterly exhausted and knew I needed a break. 

I didn't want a permanent one but shortly after me asking for some time, he met someone he'd known many years ago when we were first married (platonic but he remembered her as a good person).  The day after meeting her again, he told me he wanted to stick to separating/divorce and then a week later was on a date.  Ten days later the kids met her etc etc.  it was a torrid time - he seemed to have found a soulmate but was still attached to me.  He broke up with her after six months.  Made her Ex No2.   He asked for a reconciliation.  I was so happy.  I was convinced that we had both had had some sort of mid-life crisis but had both realised we did still love each other and want to be together.

Most of you will be familiar with what happened next because you've been in similar situations - he then recycled us both several times.  I thought of my situation as different to hers.  I thought I was the one he really loved but because i had hurt him and in his mind 'left' him, he became scared that I'd 'leave' again and so he would leave me and a few weeks later be back with Ex No2.

The time before last that we got together, he admitted after reconciliation that there had been a very brief relationship with someone from work (got on well at work; slept together once but both decided it wasn't the right time). Enter Ex No.3.   Again, I saw her as another 'band aid'/distraction as this was how he used to explain his attempts at other relationships.

The last time we got together was after our divorce.  Lasted nearly six months.  Neither of us ever mentioned No3 - I didn't think it was an issue.  However, I recently learned that weeks after our last break-up, he got together with her.  It all seems to be going very well and our children see her just about every time they are with their Dad.   

I thought I had been through the worst - that I knew about BPD and could cope with what has been happening but I read a post recently with the following quote "I made you the priority and you made me an option".  I can't get this out of my head.  I am realising that I am no different to Ex No2 and current girlfriend - I have just been an option in recent years.  I was just as much a 'band aid'.  I am even wondering if he used me recently to fill in time until the current girlfriend was ready for a relationship.

I have been angry and confused before but nothing has prevented me from colluding with the recycling.  Hard as it is to feel 'used' and an option, it might be something that can move me forward enough to detach more completely. 

Does anyone have an explanation for why some pwBPD recycle with people they've been attached to before?  I think if I can see myself as no different to the girlfriends, it would help me accept that the reality is not that he really wants to be with me/loves me but is too scared/overwhelmed etc. Rather, the reality is that he can't love me (ever) in a consistent, healthy way.

[dapperman]

well I made it very clear to my soon to be ex BPDw that If we get in front of the judge and he say's "you're divorced".  I told her that there would be no and I mean no meeting for coffee, texting, phone calls, sex calls, conversing on phone or in person or catching up on old times between me and her. I won't be playing any games with her and won't allow her to play any more games with me. Because that's how I feel that this whole thing including our marriage was nothing but a game to her. I should've known something because i'm husband number 3.  We dated years ago before and she just abruptly broke up with me with no warning and then called me weeks later after n/c and told me I was basically never the one for her and by that time she already had a new bf.  That hurt me for years.  I feel with the way she did me, she basically did the same thing and I told her that.  So why do BPD's recycle ex's I don't know, but I know one thing I definitely WONT BE ONE OF EM!  Please don't allow yourself to be a pawn for his convenience because at the end you will wind up emotionally drained and heartbroken.  Take care,  dapper man

[marbleloser]

":)oes anyone have an explanation for why some pwBPD recycle with people they've been attached to before?"

One reason is,it's easier to recycle a relationship than it is to start a new one.Starting a new RS is a lot of work.He feels comfortable with past RS's because they know him already and it's easier than getting to know someone new and he doesn't have to actually start from the beginning,with introduction,talking,dating,etc.,,

The biggest reason though,... .  we let them. 

[Lunira]

I had a pwBPD friend at one point.  Since I have a mother with BPD... .  hell, maybe I just wised up faster than the rest of her "friends" because I'd seen this before?  Anyhow, I told her some of the facts about herself because I couldn't take her crap anymore and frankly, a lot of it was LONG overdue in the saying... .  I'd been biting my tongue for months by this point.  

She dropped me in response, but did try to recycle me though several months later... .  once the rest of her "friends" had also wised up, gotten tired of her antics as well, and distanced themselves.  

Marbleloser is right, imo.  They recycle when they don't have anyone else who is willing to put up with their push-pull, silent treatments, sense of entitlement, verbal abuse, etc. at the moment.  If they think they might be able to get any supply out of their old sources at all, recycling is less work for them than trying to select, charm, and condition a brand new "friend", or "boyfriend", or "girlfriend" into being a supply source.

[clairedair]

The biggest reason though,... .  we let them. 

Too true ... .  no point in asking "why did he recycle with ex" if I don't work harder on the question "why did I recycle"

[tailspin]

clairedair 

I think the answer is because being with us feels familiar and safe to them.  I think a disordered mind relies a great deal upon patterns of behavior that give them a feeling of comfort and stability.  Recycling us feels familiar; they are used to patterns of black and white thinking that allows them to reconnect as if nothing happened and no time had passed. 

Unfortunately, if our boundaries are not firmly in place, we allow this to happen.  Just because it feels familiar and safe to them doesn't mean living this way should ever be good enough for us.

People get back together again all the time, and in a reciprocal relationship, this involves each person taking responsibility for what went wrong and a willingness and desire to move forward together. I think our ex's have a sincere desire to do this yet lack the emotional capacity to make it happen. 

tailspin

[sunrising]

I kinda feel like it's because we've proven we are willing to take their crap.  They can find a new object (person), but why do they it if they think they already know a willing host (us)?   If you've already dug a hole and found gold in it, why go through the trouble of digging another hole if you think there is probably still gold left in the old hole? 

[HarmKrakow]

I kinda feel like it's because we've proven we are willing to take their crap.  They can find a new object (person), but why do they it if they think they already know a willing host (us)?   If you've already dug a hole and found gold in it, why go through the trouble of digging another hole if you think there is probably still gold left in the old hole? 

I also think it's a safety net for them.

Why? it does feel great to have an option B, C an D when you are currently busy with option A no? It might give them some mental stability no?