FogLightsOn
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 77
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« on: February 23, 2013, 08:52:24 PM » |
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Hello all,
It's been a long time since I've posted (a couple of years?). I'll warn you now that this turned out to be a pretty long post (sorry), but I really could use some support (I feel pretty isolated) and would appreciate your at least skimming this and then providing feedback to my question, posed at the bottom.
I couldn't decide between the "Undecided" and the "Leaving" Boards, and I think this is the right place but please move it if you think it's more appropriate on another board.
In a nutshell, here's my situation. My w and I have been together for 17 years. We have twin Ds, now 12 1/2 years old. Our relationship was stormy from the beginning, and I longed for it to end very early on, but my own wiring (probably owing to growing up in a home in which my father was BPD, NPD, anxiety disorder, and who knows what else) left me feeling helpless to leave, so I endured and stayed.
I've pretty much known since early 2010 that my wife is a very high functioning uBPD. Learning about BPD really made a huge difference in my life. I read a number of the resources listed on this web site, and tried the various strategies and techniques to try to reduce the number of rages and wild accusations in my home. For a while, it seemed to help manage her when she was dysregulated, but ultimately I never felt any emotional payoff from it. It was all work without ever feeling any joy from being in this relationship. I'm now tired of all that work and don't really practice any of that stuff anymore.
I also started my own therapy in 2009, and through a lot of hard work, I've actually gotten to the point where I no longer fear my w's rage/anger/accusations, etc. Well, this has created its own problem (one might argue that it has actually created an avenue for a solution) because I don't hold back my opinion on things. (Except of course for telling her about her BPD --- I've read over and over again on these boards that that never turns out well, so I don't and I don't plan to.)
Things really came to a head recently when she started insisting that we had to sell the home that we just built and moved into less than two years ago (after tons of fighting associated with that endeavor and lots and lots of money) so that we can buy another one that will give her a better commute to work. (Where we live now takes about 10-15 minutes longer for her to get to work than she had been expecting.)
After years (our entire Rship) of being dragged by her from one boondoggle to another, I finally said "No" to selling the house, and I stuck to it. She replied with "Well if you won't sell the house and move with me, then we'll have to get a divorce." I said "Okay, then let's divorce" (hooray!) but she quickly backed off from that. (Ugh)
Ultimately we agreed to see yet another mariage counseler (our 5th since we first got together, 17 years ago ... . the most recent was from November 2011 to may 2012) to see if there was any way to salvage this. I told her from the start that I didn't think this relationship was repairable, but that I was willing to talk to the new MC just to see if he had any new ideas for us to try. (The secret benefit I saw was to be able to say things with a referee present.) For my money, though, this Rship is hurthing me, and I'm really starting to see that all the fighting and stress in the house is taking a big toll on my kids. I'm not sure any more that "staying for the sake of the children" is the right thing.
So, we had our first meeting with the new MC a couple of days ago. In our introductions, my W said that she was optimistic that we could still make this work, but I told him that I did not think that better communication skills would make anything better between us because so often her upsets and accusations are about things that she insists that I do or did, but which are flat out wrong/not true. For example, she accuses me of being anxious all the time (I'm not ... . really!), she says everyone in the house is afraid of me and "walks on eggshells" (her words!) around me, when in fact, the kids confide in me all the time about the problems they have with their mother. (One of my daughters told me two weeks ago, sobbing, that my uBPDw said that she (my D) was the reason why mommy and daddy fight, and if she misbehaves again (W had started arguing with me because she didn't think I was punishing D harshly enough) she (D) will be severely punished). I had to keep telling D over and over again that that was absolutely not true ... . that mommy and daddy fight for reasons that are unrelated to D.) What good would it do for W and me to "communicate" better about her wild accusations and conclusions when she simply doesn't believe me when I deny them, and she won't let go of beating me over the head with them? Our arguments drag on for hours. (She often starts them at night when my leaving the house to get away from her is not a realistic option since I need to be up early and at home to get the kids to school.)
Sorry for the long post, so here's the lead-in to my question: After listening to us, the MC asked, "Why still be together?" I told him I couldn't think of any reason. W got very upset. The MC asked whether there was anything at all that I could think of that we do together that we routinely enjoy, without fighting? I answered (honestly) that I couldn't think of anything.
So, at the end of our first session the MC asked us to discuss at home (bad idea!) whether we really wanted to do work in our sessions to try to improve things, or whether it was pointless.
That was a few days ago, and the only thing that's come of it is that W and I had an argument today because we couldn't come up with a mutually agreeable time to even have the conversation that the MC wants us to have. I told my W that I was willing to see the MC again (for me, it's at least to have a 3rd party there when I say things), and I know that W wants to go back, but the fact that we both agree to see him again is not good enough for her ... . She STILL wants to talk about whether I'm willing to make this work. How can I promise her that? I keep telling her that I'm starting from a position in which I don't see any hope for improvement but that I'm willing to discover that I'm wrong, but she wants more ... . I suppose she wants me to tell her how committed I am to the marriage.
So, we haven't had our talk yet but I still don't think I'm going to say words that I don't believe. But if I tell her that I don't see any hope, she jumps to the divorce solution (fine by me), probably won't go back to the MC because that would be a waste of time, and then punishes me with her anger, silent treatment, badmouthing me to the kids (about three weeks ago she told them that I had been visiting singles dating web sites, which is COMPLETELY untrue), and who knows what else.
So, in so many words, my question is: How can I tell her I don't see any real hope for us and that we ought to be thinking about separation/divorce while I'm still living in the same house with her? I'm not sure I want to be the one to leave the marital home (child custody issues), but even if I did, my moving couldn't happen overnight. I don't have any friends I can move in with, and it would take a while to find a place to rent that was big enough for me, my two kids, the three cats and large dog (my wife can't say no to pets, and then no one in the house takes care of them except for me). All that while, i would be living with someone who would be punishing me and playing the FOG card to try to get me to change my mind.
Any advice?
Thanks for listening,
FogLightsOn
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