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[DreamerGirl]

I've been with my BPDbf for a little over a year now.  I knew pretty early into the relationship that something was quite different about him, so I googled some of his behaviours etc, and I found a page that described him perfectly, it was called cassavovas and was about BPD. 

I'm not that surprised I've ended up with him as my mother also has BPD, so I'm pretty used to dysfunction. 

He's not the same as my mother though, she can't show her loving feelings, mostly just rages.  He is so much more loving, (he is passive/aggressive) in-fact I have never been with someone who expresses so much loving emotion to me and when we are together, he can't leave me alone.  If we're alone, it will always turn sexual, hyper sexual, and that is how he likes to express his love to me, but when there are other people around he holds back, as much as he can, but is still constantly reaching out to feel and touch me.  It's like he is addicted or has a compulsion to touching me.  Sometimes I wake up in the night and he is just running his hands gently across my face, my back, or hair and sometimes I hear him whisper "I love you".  We aren't living together yet, and I'm not sure if I could cope with that amount of affection on a full-time basis, as he doesn't have a steady job, and is available all day so he would want to spend it all with me.  I'm just wondering, will he always be this loving, or is this still the idolization stage?  He does push/pull with me, and I never know from week to week which part of him I will be with, either extremely adoring or quiet, a bit standoffish and a little aloof, but hasn't raged in front of me, although he has got angry but he has held it in. 

I'm really worried he may/or may have already cheated on me.  A  couple of weeks ago I looked through his phone messages and saw he had sent naked pictures of himself to a girl and said some dirty stuff, but nothing loving, all sexual.  I don't know if she is an old ex or who she is, but it really upset me, because he comes across as so into me.  So, I havent said anything yet, because I'm not sure what to even say.  But he does know, from early in our relationship when we became exclusive, that I think sexting is a form of cheating and he said he would never do that. 

He may be high functioning, although I'm not sure if he is just hiding his worse behaviours from me until he feels he's truly got me. The reason we seem to be working is mostly because I can read so much of his behaviour, thanks to my fleas from my mother, and I also at times pull back from him, for my own emotional reasons. 

My biggest worry at the moment is I don't feel I can trust him, and I don't really know how to deal with that without confessing to him, I looked at his messages.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[arabella]

If you and he discussed your values regarding sexting, and you both agreed it was cheating - then he cheated on you. If you confront him he'll want to know why you were looking at his messages. So why were you looking? Were you suspicious? Something felt 'off'? I'm not blaming you, I don't even care if someone looks through my phone, but I'm just curious if you're ignoring other warning signs... .  

It does sound like an idealization stage. Will it last? No. But it will probably cycle back again, if you want to count that as 'lasting'.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm really worried he may/or may have already cheated on me.  A  couple of weeks ago I looked through his phone messages and saw he had sent naked pictures of himself to a girl and said some dirty stuff, but nothing loving, all sexual.  I don't know if she is an old ex or who she is, but it really upset me, because he comes across as so into me.  So, I havent said anything yet, because I'm not sure what to even say.  But he does know, from early in our relationship when we became exclusive, that I think sexting is a form of cheating and he said he would never do that.  

You just said that by your definition (sexting) he has already cheated on you, and that he told you he would never do that. That is, he also broke his promise when he did it.

Are you saying you are afraid he has cheated on you more than you already know?

He may be high functioning, although I'm not sure if he is just hiding his worse behaviours from me until he feels he's truly got me.

Many people here have reported that after marriage or other commitment points, behavior did get significantly worse.

The reason we seem to be working is mostly because I can read so much of his behaviour, thanks to my fleas from my mother, and I also at times pull back from him, for my own emotional reasons.  

I'm not sure if you are saying that it is good that you are already attuned to falling into the crazy dance with a pwBPD. (Which I would personally call  bad, at least for you) or good that you have a headstart on learning healthy tools for coping with a pwBPD.

My biggest worry at the moment is I don't feel I can trust him, and I don't really know how to deal with that without confessing to him, I looked at his messages.

I am sure you want a relationship based on trust. We all do. Please think about it... .  you cannot make him trustworthy by yourself behaving in a way that is not trustworthy. In addition, trusting him when deep in your heart you know he won't live up to the trust isn't the answer either.

My suggestion on this, not based on how to deal with a pwBPD, but just how to live like an ethical human... .  

(Wo)man up and admit that you were snooping to him. Apologize for snooping, and say you won't do it again (Assuming you really do plan on stopping.)

Ad arabella was hinting... .  you probably had some reason for snooping on him. Was there some uneasy feeling you had that drove you to check? Have you done things like this when you were in prior relationships?

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks arabella.

There were a few times in the beginning of our relationship, where my instincts were telling me not to trust him and I had plenty of opportunites back then to check his phone, but I could never do it.  So I'm really not even sure why this time was different. He had left his phone in my bag, I had it all day, and was out shopping, at the end of the day I just pulled it out and decided to have a look. I think it was a combination of my instincts telling me something and a need to reassure myself that he wasn't deceiving me, which has happened to me in the past.  I have never snooped in any other relationship and didn't think I ever would.

Thank you Grey Kitty.

Yes, he has broken his promise to me and that scares me that he can say he loves and adores me, he's never felt this way, he showers me with so much affection, yet can look me in the eye, and lie to me.  Can I believe anything he says to me, I just feel confused? I love him and I want our relationship to be based on trust, but now I have deceived him by snooping as well.  I know I have to confess to my snooping on him and bring this out in the open if there's any chance for us to build some trust.  I'm just scared of what the consequences are going to be when I bring this up.  I think he suspects I did snoop, because I accidently, somehow, deleted all his text messages to me and he was shocked and upset when he saw them all missing.

[arabella]

DreamerGirl,

You need to carefully examine what set off your instincts and what else they may be telling you (because apparently you have good instincts)! Yes, you need to get your snooping out in the open in order to move forward. You also need to decide, before you get into a heated conversation about it, what you actually want going forward.

He's still in an idealization phase (and who wouldn't be?) and waxing poetic about how much he loves you yet, at the PEAK of his love and infatuation, he is still cheating and lying to you? That is not a good sign... .  Can it be fixed? Possibly, but that really depends on how good you are at forgiving and letting go and how good he is at explaining the messages and how he's going to change (and I don't mean by just stopping this particular behaviour as the issue is clearly much deeper than a few text messages). Grey Kitty is right, there is a tendency for the behaviour to get worse, not better.

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks arabella.

My goal is to fix this, if I can.  I want him in my life, but I need to have the honesty/trust issues sorted out and I need to be able to feel I can trust him.  He may feel the same way about me, when I confess to snooping in his phone.

I am very good at forgiving, that I know.  But, yes, you are right, I need to work out beforehand, what I want.  I do know I want the relationship to work, but I don't know yet what he would need to do so that I can feel that I trust him.  I guess that's the thing I need to figure out before the conversation.

It's already been two weeks since I snooped, and the longer I leave it, the worse I feel.  It's starting to eat away at me.

[arabella]

In order to fix something you need to know why it happened. That goes for both of you. "My instincts" were telling me something isn't going to cut it - you need to really examine what it was that led to your decision to snoop. Signs that you haven't consciously admitted to seeing yet? Insecurity? Past experience with being lied to? You won't be able to move on if you can't address the underlying issues and work to overcome them.

Same goes for your bf. He won't be able to stop doing this sort of thing without addressing what led him to do it in the first place. If he has BPD that's a tall order and not to be taken lightly. This is not a quick fix by any means. There are deeply rooted issues surrounding abandonment and need for validation and approval that feed into BPD behaviour - getting caught cheating is not going to do anything to help with those. Is he in therapy? Is he aware of these underlying problems? Because I know that many pwBPD almost can't stop themselves from seeking out other relationships - it's like a compulsion to them and has nothing to do with their love for their SO. Can you handle this going forward? If you can then that's fantastic, but you still need a plan for dealing with it and you need to acknowledge this may keep happening.

[almost789]

I agree, you are being idealized currently it seems. This is how these things typically work out. If they cheat/sext. Mine did. He didn't cheat perse, but he did the sexting, chatting with other women who he said he could care less about. It is a compulsion that they have this to fall back on if and when in their mind you leave them. They have something to keep them afloat. Because losing someone they love is like death to them.  Actually, the closer he feels to you, the more he's likely to act out even more. He's probably not going to stop this. They don't stop their act outs because you make it a boundary of yours. They may say they will, but they can't. If he finds out you snooped his phone, it's likely he's not going to like it at all. If you confront him on the cheating/sexting... .  he'll deny it probably. If you then back him into a corner and say you have proof he will probably split you and devalue you. You are wanting trust and honesty? You don't get these things with BPD. The only way I can see it working is for you to overlook this stuff he's doing and believe that he loves you and "they" are just a compulsion that he needs therapy to work on these issues.

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks arabella.

I do need to figure out where my snooping came from.  I do have trust issues and had them before this relationship.  I was cheated on by someone who seemed to adore me, and it totally blindsided me.  He was cheating with at least 3 other women, behind my back.  Some of the red flags that made me snoop on his phone, came from comparing some of his behaviours to the behaviours I overlooked with my ex-cheater.  I'm also insecure inside, but no-one really knows that because I've learned not to show much weakness or I'll risk getting taken advantage off. 

He's not in therapy anymore.  He's had therapy in the past, but he said he got sick of the Therapist asking him how he felt when his mother died! So he stopped going. He is very aware he has underlying issues.  He told me at the start of our relationship that he feels worthless and doesnt deserve me. He said it again last week, and I said to him "why, have you done something that makes you unworthy of me?" and he said no.  But I was wondering if he was feeling a bit bad in that moment, knowing he's been ringing and sexting someone behind my back.

Thanks SummerT321.

I've been thinking about what you said about it working if I can overlook this stuff and accept he loves me and that this is part of his BPD.  I know I can overlook the sexting, but I don't think I could ever overlook him physically cheating on me.  I just don't know how to start trusting him.  Can I ever feel that security in our relationship or do I need to accept that I will always be wondering?

You're right, he would not admit to anything

 

[healingmyheart]

I don't think dreamergirl should feel bad for "snooping" so to speak esp. when her instincts told her something was off and obviously she had good reason.  In a BPD relationship, there needs to be "transparency" whereby there should be NO secrets.  in my relationship, I had nothing to hide and saw my suspicious exBPD boyfriend pick up my phone and scroll through my texts, etc on numerous occasions.  I never said anything because in a trusting loving relationship without secrecy, this should not be a problem.  But, on the other hand, my boyfriend hide his texts, etc. and I later found out why.  He had a lot to hide.  I think dreamer girl did herself a huge favor by seeing exactly what is going on and she definitely shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.  They will lie to you and trust me, they are good at it.  They will have you convinced that you are being the paranoid person.  Sometimes you've got to go to the source to get the truth... .  sad but true.

[almost789]

Hi Dreamergirl, when you say he wouldnt admit do u mean you confronted him?

Sorry to be so blunt earlier but yours sounds like mine and I have been down this road and I was in the fog and confusion of it all for what seemed like so long and thats the conclusion I finally came to. He couldnt stop. I actually dont have a problem with open relationships but not when its still a new relationship, that just feels bad. And the lying part is the worst because  if they are liars about it then what part of what they are telling us is true versus a lie.

[healingmyheart]

SummerT321,

I thought your assessment was spot on.  I also experienced exactly what you stated.  I confronted my exBPD with evidence of wrongdoing only to have him split and demonize me and run in the arms of the very women I was concerned about.  I think to stay with a BPD, you do have to accept their indiscretions... .  I wasn't willing to be lied, deceived and cheated on.  i do feel that i deserve better.  The good was really good but the bad was really bad... enough to negate the good.  Relationships have to be based upon trust... .  without trust, you have nothing but an abusive relationship.

[arabella]

stolemysole,

I don't think the point is for DreamerGirl to feel bad. I understand the snooping, but I also understand that transparency goes both ways. Plus, DreamerGirl has said that she feels burdened by keeping it a secret - that's no way to live.

DreamerGirl,

So what happens if you discover, down the road, that he is physically cheating on you? You'll be deeper into the r/s, more committed, AND you'll feel like it's your own fault because you 'should have known better' (which isn't accurate but I suspect that's how you will feel regardless). It's something to consider because quite often these things DO become physical - take a look around the boards and you'll find plenty of stories regarding infidelity, sadly.

Only you can answer as to whether you'll ever be able to trust him. Your past history is going to make it more difficult, but it is a choice for you to make. Will you always be wondering? Likely. And often you will likely have good reason to as well. That's just the way it is - is it something you are willing to live with? Many of us have chosen to deal with it for the sake of our relationships, but there at least an equal number (more, I'd say) who choose not to. You're the best person to decide what is best for you!

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you stolemysoul.

I would love to have the transpiracy, I let him to use my phone as much as he wants because I don't have anything to hide, but is quite strange about his phone and often leaves it in the car, or at his house.  That was one of the things that aroused my suspicions, why he hardly ever brings his phone out.  It seemed secretive to me and when someone's acts secretive it makes me think there's a reason.  And in his case, I was right.

Thanks SummerT321.  I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me and sharing what you know.  Just knowing that you understand where I'm coming from makes me feel less crazy.

I didn't exactly confront him with the evidence, I just asked him "have you cheated on me".  I just blurted it out, I didn't even plan on saying it.  He said "no" why do you ask?  And I said, I just wanted to know and needed you to know that if you ever do cheat on me, then we're finished.  I said, I love you, but I wont share you.  Maybe deep down I was hoping he would bring up the fact he thought I had snooped and seen the messages, so we could get it out in the open.  Anyway, he didn't look at all phased by what I said, apart from lovingly saying he would never do that, because he wouldn't want to hurt me.  He either doesn't see sexting as cheating or he is the best liar in the world.  

Still on the topic of his sexting, what I don't get is why he does it.  I know they have compulsions and are impulsive, but we have amazing chemistry and he never leaves me alone, physically.  I know not to reject him which I never do, so it's not because he isn't getting his needs met.  It's sad that I'm not enough for him.

Thanks arabella.

If I do ever discover that he has physically cheated, then I will walk away.  I'm still hoping that is never going to happen, but a little part of me is preparing, just in case.  I'm still keeping a little piece of my heart protected.

[arabella]

SummerT321 gave a good explanation earlier as to why pwBPD tend to have multiple relationships. It isn't about you. It has absolutely nothing to do with how good or bad things are between you. In fact, sometimes the closer you get the MORE likely a pwBPD is to cheat! It's the 'just in case' backup plan plus the never-ending need for more validation, more positive feedback, more emotional 'highs'. His fear of you leaving has nothing to do with you putting that idea in his mind - the BPD does that for you! yay! (that was sarcasm btw) He's told you he thinks he isn't good enough for you and he believes it. Not because of what you do or say or the reality of the situation, he thinks that because he has BPD. And that's the problem.

You said you had discussed sexting with him before, yes? So he knows it's cheating. He knows you'll think it's cheating. And his every instinct is to protect himself from your rejection upon finding out. So, yes, he's an amazing liar because he's fighting for his own survival. OR he's entirely blocked out your sexting conversation (or even the sexting itself) as a self-defence mechanism. Seriously - it's entirely possible. In which case he really doesn't think he's lying, he really believes it. 

[DreamerGirl]

arabella, I finally feel I get it, I understand much more of the reason 'why' after reading and re-reading all the responses.  It doesn't take away my hurt by what has happened, but it helps by not feeling so confused by this and knowing he is not out to hurt me intentionally.  When you said HIS never-ending need for more 'validation, more positive feedback, more emotional highs' oh boy, I really understood that.  He is always searching for physical highs and emotional highs with me.  He hates hum-drum (his words) and always is looking for something to keep the good feelings inside him happening.

Wow, that's an eyeopener thinking he may have even forgotten, either our conversation about sexting, or the actual sexting itself.  Makes sense with how he often changes the perception of the world to suit himself.

He has me on a pedastal, he told me that, and I think, because of how much he seems to adore me and treat me like no-one else in the whole world exists, well, I find it intoxicating and so hard to see clearly at times, because I almost feel drugged on his love.  It's when we're apart that I start to see and think a bit more clearly, if that makes sense.  Sometimes when someone else, usually a family member, mentions unusal behaviours they notice in our relationship, that they think are not 'normal' well that brings me back to reality again.

[almost789]

Hi Dreamergirl, Arabella is exactly right. I feel very fortunate to know people who get it! Its not about you not meeting his needs. I met my pwBPD needs, he said I blew him away, said I always kept him hooked ,  Of course this was idealization. But the man moved closer to me and changed jobs so we could be together more. When I started noticing he was spending time sexting with random women and confronted him the first time he lied tears came to his eyes and he said stop saying that it hurts my heart. They are such good liers because they dissassociate their bad parts and deny even to even themselves. It makes no sense, but its their fear of abandonment which triggers them to do this even if it is subconcious.

[DreamerGirl]

Hi SummerT321, thanks, gee your relationship with your pwBPD sounds so similar to mine. How long did the idealization last in your relationship and did it just fade away slowly, or did it disappear suddenly?  I can't imagine I would be very happy in my relationship, without the idealization.  I feel that it is a big part of the glue that holds me too him.  That's the main reason I accept his cycles of push/pull distancing and other behaviours that I don't like.

I've found it so helpful coming here, reading other peoples stories and being able to share my worries with people who truly understand BPD and have been through, or are going through, their own ups and downs of being in this type of relationship. 

[healingmyheart]

Dreamergirl, Let me share my story which seems to parallel yours somewhat.  My exBPD was introduced through a mutual friend.  After we got together and mimed. feel in love, this women who introduced us started acting weird.  Instead of being happy for us, she started acting very jealous... .  other weird things too.  I suspected that she and myexBPD were much more than "best friends" as he put it.  She was and still is a married women.  Well, months later I literally stumbled across evidence of their affair.  I didn't say anything at first... .  I realized that the affair happened way before we got together but he was still "friends" with this women. It was eating me up not divulging what I knew so I finally got up the nerve to ask him and of course he denied it over and over again.  I finally told him I knew the truth... .  of course then he had no choice to come clean but that was the beginning of him splitting from me and the end of our idealization period.  The issue never totally went away since he still communicated with this women even though he told me he wouldn't.  We had a fight about it one night and after I went to bed, he texted this "married" women past midnite and I'm sure I was demonized like no other... .  he continued this pattern of waiting til I went to sleep and texted her for hours on end.  On the eve of his birthday, they were texting at midnight so she could wish him a happy birthday... .  I took him out for a $100 dinner the next night... .  little did I know.  I could see that he was being secretive about his texts and muting his phone.  I asked him who he was texting at midnight and he came up with all kinds of lame excuses.  I finally got a hold of his phone records which outlined that not only was he texting this married women but yet two other women... .  one who was married.  So, he was secretive, deceived and lied to me.  Also, during this demonization period, he became very agitated and raged quite abit and was verbally abusive to my daughter and I.  Yet, he still told me that he loved me and blah, blah,blah... .  intuitively I know something had changed.  Sadly, once you get to this point, there is no going back.  It's my understanding that the idealization period is a one time shot.  Sometimes I wish I never found out about the affair but truly it doesn't matter I guess.  Because if it wasn't the lies about the affair then there would have been yet another trigger to make him reach outside of our relationship for validation. 

[almost789]

The idealization lasted 8 months for me. It seemed to switch very rapidly, not instant but much more quickly that would in a normal relationship. This IS the most painful part, I think, being devalued after being idealized. If Id had buried my head in the sand and just ignored the other women thing as I was doing In the beginning I think I would still be idealized. It was the confronting of the lies that flipped his switch. What I dont really get is I had confronted him a few times and he fought hard to explain it away and deny it and Since he did this I figured ok well he obviously values me and these others are just a compulsion. MaybebI can deal with this. What I found that my emotions always overtook me with this. I couldnt overlook it I confronted more and he finally said ok ive told you and told you and then started basically not caring. He still didnt break up, but he didnt show any attempts at denying or trying to stop. I broke up at this point. And ever since he always says... .  you ended it. We to  did try to get back but communication became a huge issue. I dont think he could get over the fact I knew his secrets.

[healingmyheart]

SummerT321,  You are correct... .  they cannot accept the fact that you know their truth... .  it's like you've reached deep inside of them and you see their vulnerabilities and weaknesses and they can't deal with that. 

I couldn't accept the "other women" and wouldn't.  I felt and still feel i deserve better than being deceived and it would never work for me to stay.  Although I do respect those people who do try to stay and work it out to the best of their abilities.  We all have different thresholds and needs.  I have a daughter who needed her mom back.  I was so engulfed in trying to meet my exBPD boyfriends needs that I was virtually ignoring my daughter... .  I can't apologize enough to her for doing that.  I was so blind at the time to what was going on.  After I kicked him out, my daughter asked me what took me so long to see the truth. 

[almost789]

Stolemysoul,

I definitly relate to that. Love is blind. I put him before everything in my life and still am. Im struggling to break this. I worry about him. I still feel I love him, but I know I cant do this.

[healingmyheart]

I still feel I love my ex BPD too.  It's so sad for me to learn that it never really was about "love" on his end... .  it was about meeting his needs for feeling connected and needed.  In the beginning during the idealization period, I could feel that he put me on a pedestal.  Even I thought to myself, why is he saying all these amazing things... .  I honestly can't be THAT wonderful.  Of course, I'm not that wonderful... .  guess that was a very early red flag moment that I missed.  In hindsight, I'm seeing a lot of things I missed.  It seems so obvious now, doesn't it?

[Auspicious]

My goal is to fix this, if I can.  I want him in my life, but I need to have the honesty/trust issues sorted out and I need to be able to feel I can trust him.  He may feel the same way about me, when I confess to snooping in his phone.

Well, the thing is, you can't fix him.

If his behaviors are driven by mental illness - which you must suspect, if you are here - then they are unlikely to change unless he decides to work hard in therapy at changing them.

So a really good question to ask is - if he doesn't change his negative behaviors at all, can you live with that?

[healingmyheart]

So a really good question to ask is - if he doesn't change his negative behaviors at all, can you live with that?[/quote]
That truly is the bottom line... .  in a normal non-dysfunctional relationship we would never tolerate these behaviors so I guess on some level you have to accept that he has a condition whereby he can't control himself and you must resolve to accept it... .  ultimately, I couldn't and wouldn't but we all are different and I respect that.

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you stolemysoul and SummerT321.  You are both so much further down this road than I am, and I really appreciate your advice and support. 

SummerT321 - Wow, I read your story and it's so much where I am right now.  You took the step I'm too scared to take and you stood up for your morals/boundaries, with consequences and I do admire that.  I'm not ready to risk being devalued, yet.  I'm thinking, like you did at one point, this is a compulsion and I know he really loves me, I'm just hoping he won't cross the line and destroy what we have.  But like you, I'm finding it's getting harder and harder to overlook what I already know, and little things just keep slipping out in conversations about cheating.  He even said to me the other night, "where is all this cheating conversation coming from?"... .  then he turned it around and said to me "it makes me wonder if you have something to hide from me"... .  

stolemysoul - thank you for sharing your story with me.  I see myself in you, and reading your story I felt like it could have been me.  I sometimes wish I was stronger, and could speak up for my values and walk away, if necessary, like you did, from being treated in a way that I know I don't deserve.  I've been really thinking deeply about my relationship since finding his sext messages, and searching to find what it is, that keeps me from walking away from a boundary I thought I had.  I just keep coming back to the same conclusion, I've never been given this much love and affection in my life, and I craved this so much when I was little, maybe he is fulfilling something inside me.

Auspicious - thank you, great question.  It has made me really think and try to figure out how much I can live with.  Long-term, no, I couldn't live with him having inappropriate sexting messages with other woman, I do need to be the only one for him.  I just keep hoping he will get this, and understand that if he cheats, then he risks losing what he calls the love of his life.  I want to believe him, but it's so hard with knowing what I saw on his phone.

[almost789]

You are lucky to be getting this information before hand Dreamergirl. Gosh, I wish I knew all this before hand. Who knew confronting this would cause someone who loves you to throw you in the trash? Im not certain it will prevent being devalued though? Maybe. But it seems at some point they will devalue for any reason. Funny how he turned it around on you.  Not funny, just interesting.

[DreamerGirl]

I agree I've been lucky, like one step ahead of him, thanks to this forum SummerT321.  It's good to see how it potentially will play out, but on the other hand, It's hard because I have to keep stuffing my thoughts downs, when I really want to put them on the table and see him step up, but knowing deep down, that probably wont happen.  And I was suprised also, how he turned it around, and made it seem like he was the innocent one, when I bought up the boundaries of cheating.  He may be a lot smarter than I.

[almost789]

Funny that you say that too. About him being smarter than you. Mine would say things that I didnt understand at the time. Now looking back it seems he knew how this would all play out eventually. Theyve been through it a few more times than we have.

[healingmyheart]

Dreamergirl,

I do pray that you find your right path... .  time will tell.  If you are still in the idealization period which it sounds like you are, it's hard to want to leave.  But when you start being devalued and abused, it's much easier. About the time that my exBPD boyfriend started communicating with the other women, I felt something was different... .  he had distanced himself a little from me.  Can't really put my finger on exactly what but things were different.  I have great instincts and I feel you do to so I beg you to follow those instincts when you are unsure what to do... .  it will never lead you astray.  Although I have to admit, if it weren't for my daughter, I might have stayed in the relationship.  Somehow it seems ok in my head that he abuses me but I won't let him abuse her.  Doesn't say much for how I feel about myself, does it?  No one deserve that kind of treatment.

I know what you mean about how they twist things around and try to blame you.  When I confronted my exBPD boyfriend about texting at midnight with evidence, he tried to twist things around a say that I was communicating with guys on Facebook which I wasn't.  My counselor said to beware that the more they accuse you of having an affair, that means they are doing things they shouldn't... .  like having an affair themselves.  When my exBPD boyfriend and i got together originally, I had another boyfriend.  He asked me not to communicate with him again and to defriend him off facebook which I did.  The few lingering emails I received from him I shared so he would never be able to question the situation and ultimately TRUST me.  Somehow in his messed up head, he thought it was ok to still communicate with this married women he had an affair with a lied to me about behind my back.  Somehow they think it's ok to tell YOU what to do but it never applies to them... .  what kind of logic is that?

The more I'm on this forum reading the similarities and the pain everyone has endured, the more I feel I've made the right decision to move on.  Yes, it would of been easier to stay and I was at a point where I just wanted to do the least painful thing for everyone and that would have meant staying. Thankfully, good friends helped me see that staying probably wasn't the best option especially when vulnerable children are involved.