Elderly BPD mother

[Marcia]

Well, it has been over a year and a half since my 86 year old mother moved from our area in an anger storm, after moving here two years before that. Although we really tried to give her lots of attention and help and she was comfortably situated in a first rate retirement community where she had made friends, she managed to keep things in an uproar for most of the second year she was here. Her final coupe de Graz was accusing my poor husband of 35 years of trying to steal her money. This was crazy (andI think she knew it, he was just trying to help her with her finances as needed). She also decided to be mad at my middle son, in his late 20's, who only visits our area a couple of times a year. Again, he did nothing, but somehow she became convinced he snubbed her--believe me that is not in his nature, at all.

I have been Nc, particularly because I want to protect my innocent family members, but also because I have just had it with her. She has spent a life time being mean and selfish and I just feel done with it, and know I have really put a lot of effort into her, although she has said I have done nothing for her.

The tough part is that she has moved back to her community of many years, but there is no family there to help her, no friends around anymore (they are either gone or in assisted living, now). My sister, who also lives in another state is in touch with her and has visited a couple of times, which I feel ok about because I have done a lot more with Mom over the years than she has, but it seems awful that a woman her age, in so-so health lives alone like this. She has an emergency monitor but won't wear it, saying she is " careful" so doesn't need it. She won't allow home helpers, a social worker who arranges services for the elderly or cleaning service help, even though she has always had a cleaning person. She is mentally competent, although BPD weird in her thinking as always.

My question is ( sorry for the long exposition), are we crazy to let this happen? What do you do with an elderly very stubborn BPD parent who really doesn't care what family members think? She is getting by barely with a weekly lunch and one hour trip to the store courtesy of her local senior center. Now, a former cleaning person of hers has agreed to help her with errands occasionally. Mom has said she'd rather have a maid than daughters -- does this arrangement sound sustainable?

[losthero]

Dear Marcia, i dont think it is sustainable. That being said I dont know what to tell you.  im in a very similar situation with my mom.  I live 6 1/2 hours away from her now after trying to have her live near us and her making our lives miserable.   No family in the srea to help her either.  We have tried the houskeeping thing but my mother just finds reason to eventually rage at them.  My fakes ilnesses and injuries all the time to add to my guilt of not leaving my husband and children to take care of her.  I went to counseling to help deal with the FOG.  Im still deep in it though some days. Eventually she will really be very ill and maybe a nursing home is the answer.  My pwBPD is very stubborn and will not do anything I suggest. In fact in a rellious teen way she will do the opposite so I have given up giving advice or making suggestions to her.  Its like talking to the wall.  Please take care of yourself and know that whatever happens isnt because you didnt try, but because she is mentally ill and capable of causing you great mental, physical and financial harm so you have to protect yourself and your family. 

[losthero]

Sorry it should have read that SHE fakes illnesses and injuries all the time.

[Marcia]

Thanks lost hero, it's so nice to know someone understands. And I totally relate to the faked injuries/illnesses. She doesn't seem to engage in that with my sister, so that's one advantage to my sister being in charge. You re right tho, we can't sacrifice the other people in our lives, so these gals get to be on their own. Being NC saves me from all the crazy antics, but I can't help but feel bad that she ( and your mother) have chosen such lonely existences.

My adult cousins ( whom she idealizes) are going to be in her town next month to spread their brothers ashes. I had a FOG attack when I heard, because of course they think she's great. I'm getting through it, others will never know the extent of life with a BPD parent, and that's just the way it goes. At least I have my sis, which helps a ton.

But also, dear folks like you, who get it and take the time to reach out. I wish you well, and it isn't you that created the situation -- don't forget that!

[Texaussie]

Hi Marcie,

My heart goes out to you.

I understand your feelings.  I have an elderly (75) mother who is in bad health as well.

I moved back to the US from 20 years in Australia in October to 'help' my father care for her.  I left a thriving business, and my 21 year old daughter who is in university, back in Australia.  My 19 year old son came with me. 

My mother has heart problems (had surgery the week before I arrived), diabetes, diverticulitis, and various other 'problems'.  She actually loves being sick.  Loves the attention it brings.  She has become the 'waif', most of the time. 

Things were good for about 2 weeks.  Since I have been gone, I have been the 'perfect' one.  I have a sister, who lives about 9 miles from her and my father.  My sister was always the perfect one growing up, for the last several years, she's been the 'bad' one.  I suppose I had some 'fairy tale' notion that I would come back and help and everything would be loving and 'normal', for the last part of her life. 

I tried to provide decent meals for them as my mother doesn't cook anymore, and either goes out to eat or sends my father out to get some nasty take-out food.  That lasted about 10 minutes.  Things deteriorated to the point where I couldn't even cook for myself and my son as she 'doesn't like other people using her kitchen'.  We have been surviving on frozen meals, as I can't handle eating out every day. 

I realized that she doesn't actually WANT anyone to 'help' her, she just wants to COMPLAIN that nobody helps her. 

There is so much to this story, to my LIFE story, with this woman, nah, these PEOPLE.  My father is a wimp.  They are both addicted to religion.  It gives them the self-righteous edge over my sister and I.  The one thing that has been positive in this exercise is that my sister and I have developed a relationship we have never had.  My mother has worked actively for the last 30 years to keep us apart.

My father NEVER EVER crosses her.  EVER.

Soon after I arrived, i was cleaning out the pantry and throwing away things that had expired in 2005!  She got mad at me.  Her stock control phrase has always been 'you hurt my feelings'.  Well, I 'hurt her feelings' cleaning out the pantry.  I told her that I had no intention of 'hurting her feelings' but in her physical state, she did not need to be eating stuff that wasn't safe.  She raged at me, told me that 'nobody in my whole life has EVER told me what to do, and they're not going to start now'.  With that, she took to her bed for 3 hours.

My mother, too, actively does the opposite of what is suggested.  If I suggest ANYTHING... .  she will do exactly the opposite.

I was away for a week and a half.  Returned to the house (my son and I have been staying there most of the time, until my own house becomes available in April) last Wednesday.  There was no food in the house, so I had to go to the grocery store.  Came in with groceries and discovered that I had to clean out the fridge of rotten food before I could make room for the new stuff.  She got M A D at me for doing that.  Sat on the couch and glared at me, with That Look on her face the whole time.  I ignored her as best I could.

My son and I can't keep our food in the kitchen.  She doesn't like having our stuff in there, so we keep things in our respective rooms.  As I was carrying our things to the back of the house, she became irate (I won't continue with details, they're in my post 'finally, at 53... .  '. 

Long story short, she spoke to me like I was a child, or a dog.  That was it.  I walked out of the house.  I went back on Saturday and collected all my stuff and am now staying with a friend.  This is not the first time she has been an absolutely ASS.  But it is the LAST time I will give her the opportunity to be an ass to me.

It is so difficult, at this point in my life, to realise that my parents are incapable of caring about me.  Doesn't have anything to do with ME, it's their stuff.  But, I don't have to be a part of it.  I've done my bit.  My sanity, health, and well-being will be helped greatly by just leaving them to their own devices.  I wish things were different, but, I've finally got to face reality. 

I hope you will forgive yourself.  I know I am working on doing that.  When I look at everything I've done to help these people, they should be begging my forgiveness, but that will never happen.  I know her, she will tell everyone she knows (including family) that I am mentally ill and left her for no reason.  But, I have no control over that, nor what other people think of me.  Finally, I can get on with my life without worrying about what they think or whether they approve.  I just don't care anymore.

All the best to you.

[Marcia]

Ugh, what a mess... .  so sorry texaussie. And, after you turned your life upside down just to help, too. So many things sound familiar about your mother--especially the total rejection of your helpful activities with cooking, the pantry, and so on. I've had very similar experiences.

It's hard when they are so old, but I'm thinking for some of us,NC is the way to go. I think we are entitled to normal, non-crazy lives--and I have grand kids now, which is such a joy and so fulfilling.

Thanks for sharing your experience, I read your other post too. Sheesh, what a terrible waste of a helpful person. You've done your level best--nothing more you can do. Again, I am so appreciative of your thoughts and support.

[WrongWoman]

My personality disordered MIL is 86, too, and insists on living on her own.  She even drives, which wasn't a good idea when she was 50, let alone now (she's just always been a bad driver).  My husband's younger sister, who also seems to have a personality disorder similar to her mother's, sees to her a bit.  Younger SIL is the favored (much favored) child, so we, being three hours away, feel like that is fine.  I don't know what will happen when she can no longer live independently, but I do know she has long-term care insurance, so hopefully, she will have someplace to go.  Even younger SIL would never take her into her home, even if they are two peas in a pod.

Funny aside:  my younger SIL, who loves to play the martyr, was recently complaining to the older sister, who is dying of cancer, that she was stretched so thin between their mother and older sister.  She takes older sister to an occasional doctor's appointment, but provides no real, ongoing support to her.  Anyway, older sister said, "Oh, that reminds me, I hate to ask, but I need someone to take me for a blood transfusion this week", to which younger sister replied, "Oh, sorry, I can't - I have my caregiver's support group at that time". 

With no sense of irony whatsoever.

[MegMurray]

You aren't crazy for letting her live like she is. If she is mentally competent (even if she does have BPD) then she can live her life the way she chooses.  Both of my in-laws (who were great people and I loved doing things for them) became more and more ill and infirm as they aged.  I helped out a bit by cooking for them, but that was it.  They didn't want to be a burden and didn't want the help.  It was really frustrating for my DH and I, but we knew that forcing the issue wouldn't work.

It's tough because our society tells us that we are supposed to care for our elderly, but what if our elderly don't want the help? There really isn't any way you can force her to do something as long as she is mentally competent and can take care of herself (even minimally).  You are doing the absolute best that you can in a bad situation.  Her situation probably isn't sustainable in the long run.  But you know that you can't change it or her.  This sounds terrible, but you may have to wait for something bad to happen (broken hip, heart attack, etc.).  Then she may end up in assisted living/nursing home.

Just remember that you have done the best you can and you aren't responsible for her. Good luck.