If you had known there were people like this would you have walked into it ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

If you had known there were people like this would you have walked into it ?

I did not know but I found her SOO interesting.

I probably would have.

for the experience

it made more longing, damaged my other relationships but I thought it might be normal I just didn't know it made no sense

In my gut I knew it was going to end badly too.

[Not2Crazy]

If you had known there were people like this would you have walked into it ?

I did not know but I found her SOO interesting.

I probably would have.

for the experience

it made more longing, damaged my other relationships but I thought it might be normal I just didn't know it made no sense

In my gut I knew it was going to end badly too.

[mosaicbird]

If you had known there were people like this would you have walked into it ?

Yep! 

[apple]

If I had known what I know now I would have never gotten involved for so many reasons.

My marriage derailed my life in such a way that I don't know if I will be able to recover and build a descent life at my age. I lost too many important years along with opportunities due to my choice in trying to make my uBPDexw feel secure. Or maybe it was just her manipulating me ? Either way, the marriage has caused me to suffer financial devastation along with the emotional baggage that remains.

I was naive and inexperienced before the relationship, but I was also happy and whole. I can't say the same after the marriage. It has been a complete struggle.

I was the primary caregiver for my kids during the days and worked at night and on weekends and my exw never wanted me to go to work. For years I got the push pull of "you promise you'll never leave me" to " I don't think you love me" "please stay home"

She also never wanted our kids in daycare until it suited her when she devalued me and divorced. Funny how that works... .  

I have two children that I love, but I never would have had children if I knew that they were going to grow up the way that they are. They really have no childhood and the dysfunction in their mothers parenting is evident in that neither child will listen well and shows a lack of respect. I see signs of the disorder in my S6 as he dysregulates over the smallest things and my youngest D2 is learning to behave in the same manner.

If I could go back, I wouldn't do it again. I am more knowledgeable but damaged in a way that I wasn't before. Innocence is gone.

[Not2Crazy]

Apple I feel mostly the same way like also that I can't make a stab at another relationship even as well as handle damage control. Was yours diagnosed? I didn't learn there was such a diagnosis till she was in the end... .  after 20 years.

I think that I was particularly vulnerable and still would not have believed that this was a case in life where all I could do was lose and don't think I could have dealt with it any better but know that I like a challenge and probably had my own form of a personality disorder because I was the bullied kid in school but NOTHING like this and what was the effect of her mother's unreal expectations and snide remarks at her.

I hope some others will tell their story...

[sunrising]

If you had known there were people like this would you have walked into it ?

Absolutely not... .    While I appreciate what I am learning from this, both about relationships and about myself, I certainly would not choose to do it again if I could go back in time.  I'd seek regular therapy for myself to reveal and adjust my codependency and need for acceptance/ fear of rejection, but this method would not be my chosen route for doing so.  I look back on the night I met her by a campfire and just wish I could have seen then what I can see now.  I'd have said "thanks for coming over.  It was nice meeting you".  And let her go search for another victim... .  

[apple]

Hey Not2, Mine was not diagnosed and most likely won't ever get diagnosed. She has been married and divorced 4 -x - times and will never take responsibility for anything. The depth of her illness is staggering... .   Whats sad is that she will most likely be married at least 2x more before my kids are adults.

This marriage was my first and only...

she married a pathological liar/ con artist that she knew from high school right after our divorce and the marriage lasted less than 60 days. She moved him into the house with my kids around 6 weeks after our divorce.

When she kicked him out, she then recycled me. She came to me and wanted to know if there was ever a chance for "us" and said  " i got lost", " I'll never hurt you again i promise", "I just want my family back" blah blah blah... She played Jason MRAZ " I won't give Up" to me... .  

She had me selling off my furniture to merge households again... .  

At the end of my recycle, I went off on her and so she idealized her 4th husband to me in her defense. the pathological con artist that told her he was a POW and ex navy seal... The guy was never even in the military and she found an email where he told the same story to a previous woman. The guy was trying to collect disability and didn't work.

LMAO

[BlushAndBashful]

If you had known there were people like this would you have walked into it?

HELL NO.

I had no idea there was a condition like this. I did not honestly think it was possible for someone to truly be a Jekyll and Hyde. I didn't know people had roller coaster emotions. I didn't know someone could be capable of the extent of lies. I didn't know people could seem 100% emotionally healthy and stable and inside be an utter mess. I (literally) knew nothing about passive aggressive behavior, and when he told me he occasionally got PA at times- I seriously had to google it.  I'm not really gullible, but when someone says they've been married once with three kids, I assume that means they've been married once with three kids, not some sort of variation of that, depending on how one interprets it.  I knew nothing of the Karpman drama triangle, splitting, being painted black, compartmentalization, etc.

I realize that this is the moment where we are supposed to reflect on our own part and admit to codependency, our FOO issues, some lonely child inside of us, our attraction to emotionally unavailable people, and how we "chose" to overlook these red flags - no. Just, no.  If my ex would have shown anything even close to cutting, suicidal behavior, rages, etc I would have been gone in a heartbeat.  Not because I knew anything about BPD, but because that behavior would have freaked me out.  I've walked out on men for far less. I bolt the instant they seem a little "off". This man, I was convinced was near perfection. It was only after about 3 years that I thought, "what the h is wrong with him?" and another 4 years after that before I accidentally discovered he had been diagnosed with this strange thing called BPD. Had I but known... .  I would have run for the hills.

 

[FogLight]

I would like to second Mauser's HELL NO.  I don't need to explain that one, or do I? 

[WT]

I'd rather play Russian roulette with a bullet in every chamber.  At least the gun runs out of bullets.

[LuckyEscapee]

I'm with Mauser... .  HELL NO - WITH BELLS ON!

It's like sky-diving without a parachute; cool whilst you're airborne, but you end up a sticky gruesome mess in the end. Falling for my ex was the biggest mistake of my life!

[patientandclear]

I am so with Mauser.  HELL TO THE NO.

The awful thing for me is that I responded to him -- first person I'd been interested in dating in 5 years, after the end of a really dysfunctional marriage -- because he seemed SO emotionally healthy.  For once, he didn't appear to need to be taken care of -- he seemed competent, in touch with his feelings, to have learned lessons from past difficulties as I had.  He also had been alone for years, until I came along ... .  NOT!  But that's what he said.

Maybe the very hardest part for me about what happened is that I was finally in a healthy place, not looking to do my patented codependent savior act.  All I wanted was a companion, lover and friend--I was no longer in the savior business.  I had no idea that that's what he was asking of me, and that, if I accidentally came close to succeeding, he would panic and implode everything and leave me wondering why and what had gone wrong that I could fix.  Catnip for me, that I thought I had outgrown.

Early on, he told me he loved Into the Wild, the book and movie about the young man who leaves all social ties, goes into the Alaskan wilderness, and dies there alone.  I remember a fleeting feeling of alarm -- like, I can't be the girlfriend of that guy.  Turns out, I was.  No, I would never have done that knowingly, not in a million years.  I would have stayed so far away from that guy -- the more I realized I liked him, the further away I'd have stayed.

[almost789]

I read that book Patient. The book was very good, but terribly sad, I still loved it. The poor guy, he really died from his lack of knowledge. He ate poisonous berries, he killed a big moose or something and didnt know how to cure the meat so it went rotten. He was less than a mile from civilization and just never walked in the right direction. He starved to death. His mother was suffering terribly. He had some crazy wild adventures before he walked off into the forrest. He was definitly different. I thought the movie sucked and was not really like the book.

But to answer the question, NO if I knew he had BPD, id had read about it and no id had not proceeded further.

[Not2Crazy]

Amazing how charming crazy is after all right Patient?

[bb12]

I'm with sunrising.

I am grateful fir the lesson I guess, but wish it could have been learned at a lower price

But can knowledge of codependency and my own FOO be learned without trauma? I suspect not. Did this illness / person push me to self- discovery and therapy or would another path to the same enlightenment have appeared?

I also think back to the night we met and wish I'd rejected that very brazen offer... .  

Bb12

[SurvivedLove]

If I had known 2 years ago what I know now, I'd rather have drilled a hole in my kneecap with a spoon than gotten together with my ex.

I've learned things that I don't feel I needed to learn, I've seen things that I wish I could un-see and I've cried so many tears that would have been better cried over someone who's healthy where it just didn't work out.

I'm 6 month out emotionally (out of the romantic connection that is) and with everything I've learned from reading these boards, I think it's safe to say that I know I didn't deserve such a rollercoaster ride through Hell.

Seen in the rear-view mirror, getting involved with him was the biggest mistake of my life. And one I'm not gonna be making again.

[Discarded26]

If I had known 2 years ago what I know now, I'd rather have drilled a hole in my kneecap with a spoon than gotten together with my ex.

I've learned things that I don't feel I needed to learn, I've seen things that I wish I could un-see and I've cried so many tears that would have been better cried over someone who's healthy where it just didn't work out.

I'm 6 month out emotionally (out of the romantic connection that is) and with everything I've learned from reading these boards, I think it's safe to say that I know I didn't deserve such a rollercoaster ride through Hell.

Seen in the rear-view mirror, getting involved with him was the biggest mistake of my life. And one I'm not gonna be making again.

I feel the same. If only we could turn back time hey!

[SurvivedLove]

I feel the same. If only we could turn back time hey!

I did have moments of "if I could turn back time" during the first few months after realizing that the man I loved doesn't exist. I don't have those moments or thoughts any longer .

Looking at it rationally, I didn't know then what I know now, so turning back time wouldn't help me. I'd just fall into it with him, because of the blessed lack of knowledge and that would end up putting me through the same mess over again.

Turning back time? No thanks.

Not saying I am happy to have learned the hard way. I am just happy to be out of the fog and gaslighting, being able to see things for what they really were .

[Discarded26]

I feel the same. If only we could turn back time hey!

I did have moments of "if I could turn back time" during the first few months after realizing that the man I loved doesn't exist. I don't have those moments or thoughts any longer .

Looking at it rationally, I didn't know then what I know now, so turning back time wouldn't help me. I'd just fall into it with him, because of the blessed lack of knowledge and that would end up putting me through the same mess over again.

Turning back time? No thanks.

Not saying I am happy to have learned the hard way. I am just happy to be out of the fog and gaslighting, being able to see things for what they really were .

I wish I never got involved again. The whole thing feels like a bad dream/nightmare

All the lies and fake love. Totally has broken my heart. I'll get over it, just wish I never trusted him with my heart for a 2nd time

[turtle]

I'm with Mauser

HELL NO!

I would never knowingly be with someone who had the capablity to kill me.

NO. NO. NO!

turtle

[Rose Tiger]

":)rilled a hole in my kneecap with a spoon".   

No, no, a thousand times no.  Unless, ok, yes on the first three months and then he gets hit by a bus.  NOT REALLY.  Three months and then he goes to live someplace else a million miles away.  Then yes.  Not three months of good and then 6 years of roller coasting, FOG, recovery, healing and I'm still processing through it.

A course there was a reason for this experience, there was a life lesson I was needing.  Glad to be in the final lap.  Whew!

[sunrising]

A course there was a reason for this experience, there was a life lesson I was needing.  Glad to be in the final lap.  Whew!

I thoroughly enjoyed the kneecap/ spoon metaphor as well.

And I agree with the "life lesson" comment, but how applicable will it really be down the road?... .    I realize personaility disorders aren't that rare, and that my codependency needed to be addressed, but couldn't someone have just "taught BPD" in sex ed class or something?  I think that if someone would have told me about BPD once I was in the relationship, I may not have accepted it and made the right move (enmeshed, "in love", etc).  But why do so many people have little or no awareness of this  disorder, when so many of us (and many more not on this board) could easily attest to how incredibly damaging it usually is to those afflicted and those around them?  I mean, I read all these stories and, though I don't know a single one of you personally, I feel like we've been living parallel, horrific lives.  The level of written communication on this board, alone, will show you this is not a bunch of easily fooled, uneducated idiots.  Yet it also sounds like almost no one saw this coming?  I had never HEARD of BPD before my ex was officially diagnosed (2 days before she officially left).  There needs to be a a Super Bowl Commercial, at least.

[Seb]

If my ex would have shown anything even close to cutting, suicidal behavior, rages, etc I would have been gone in a heartbeat.  Not because I knew anything about BPD, but because that behavior would have freaked me out.  I've walked out on men for far less.

This is why I know having therapy is the right thing for me.

My ex told me about her suicidal thoughts after 6 weeks of dating. Not only that she had always thought about it, but how she believed that how you felt when you died was how you felt forever. Big massive red flag that I ignored.

How it even got that far I want to give myself a slap. The first time I ever met her (a closeted lesbian, full of shame and self-hatred) she more or less sexually assaulted me. I kid you not. Apologised via text message but did the exact same thing the second time I met her.

This relationship has been the most painful experience I can think of, and the amount of time it's taken me to get over it is ridiculous. But it's what's also led me to seek therapy for my issues... .  my low self-esteem and insecurities, fixing and rescuing tendencies, my inability to assert myself/boundaries/demand more for myself, etc. Facing yourself in the aftermath and getting to know yourself and heal, that's the gift... .  the only one. I wish there was another way I'd learned these lessons.

[nylonsquid]

Sorry, double posted. See below

[nylonsquid]

Yes, I would have walked in as I did. It was fascinating and enticing. I never thought it can be so damaging but in a way she's was a gift for me to get in tune with myself again. I wouldn't have it any other way. I see it as a set up for a better and healthier me. I needed the experience and wake up call

Now that I think of it, I would walk into it again and not judge myself for it. I will take it until I get it out of my system. Luckily, I dove in a second time and it's out. I'm done.

[slimmiller]

NO, NO and NO!

I have three lovely children as a result but truth is, if I had not had them with her I would have children with someone that is capable of loving them and loving me. She would not be mentally sick and in denial and raging at me while I try and raise the children as best as I can while she chases after Asian college students half my age because she just cant live with the fact I dated 'so and so' before we met. Because so-and-so is such a whore. It just makes her sick that I could date that person. (That was 15 years ago)

Was there some good? Sure but I have all but fogotten it. 11 more years till my youngest is 18 then full peace... .