Detaching from a long term relationship.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been almost two years now. When I am alone I think, I read, I search for answers about BPD, about relationships, about love, about my past, about spirituality, about what it means to be a citizen of the world. When I am I the car I turn the radio off and I think, at home I disconnected the TV and I think.

I thought if I can't stop thinking about these things I can't be detaching. But it feels like I have. I no longer feel responsible for his actions, I have no desire to know what he is doing or who he is with, I feel no animosity, I wish him well in life. Other then the mild anxiety I feel when I encounter him unexpectedly, he has no other influence or hold over me. We are divorced and that huge hurdle is behind me. So why can't I get on with my life? Why am I not more interested in planning a holiday, redecorating my house, getting a party together with my friends? Just living, without all this thinking.

I spent all those many years with him, giving up my energy and my life because I thought I could make him feel whole. My thoughts were centred on what I could do to make him happy, to make him more comfortable, to make him the man I knew he could be. Little did I know that by so doing I was paying with my own growth. All those years and I seldom looked at me, what I wanted, what made me happy, what did God mean in my life, what emotions did I bury so deep that I forgot what they were. What memories did I refuse to look at that would make me consider who I am and how I became this way. I spent my adult years ignoring my personal growth. Once he was gone and I didn't have him to focus on, my lack of substance and self had no hiding place.

So yes I have detached, but in the detaching have created a void of unfilled life. This is where I am now. Learning emotions, it has been so long since I have felt anger. Learning boundaries, that I am a person with needs and it is acceptable to acknowledge that. Learning what God means to me. Learning tools that will help me cope in healthy ways. Unearthing my past, acknowledging the pain and recognizing the good. And yes, trying to understand BPD.

It will be great when party time starts again. When I can go out on a date, get excited about a holiday, howl at the moon. But one thing I learned in these years is patience. I have a lot of years of thinking to get caught up on. It's not time for me to move on just yet. But watch out when I do!

[Cumulus]

It has been almost two years now. When I am alone I think, I read, I search for answers about BPD, about relationships, about love, about my past, about spirituality, about what it means to be a citizen of the world. When I am I the car I turn the radio off and I think, at home I disconnected the TV and I think.

I thought if I can't stop thinking about these things I can't be detaching. But it feels like I have. I no longer feel responsible for his actions, I have no desire to know what he is doing or who he is with, I feel no animosity, I wish him well in life. Other then the mild anxiety I feel when I encounter him unexpectedly, he has no other influence or hold over me. We are divorced and that huge hurdle is behind me. So why can't I get on with my life? Why am I not more interested in planning a holiday, redecorating my house, getting a party together with my friends? Just living, without all this thinking.

I spent all those many years with him, giving up my energy and my life because I thought I could make him feel whole. My thoughts were centred on what I could do to make him happy, to make him more comfortable, to make him the man I knew he could be. Little did I know that by so doing I was paying with my own growth. All those years and I seldom looked at me, what I wanted, what made me happy, what did God mean in my life, what emotions did I bury so deep that I forgot what they were. What memories did I refuse to look at that would make me consider who I am and how I became this way. I spent my adult years ignoring my personal growth. Once he was gone and I didn't have him to focus on, my lack of substance and self had no hiding place.

So yes I have detached, but in the detaching have created a void of unfilled life. This is where I am now. Learning emotions, it has been so long since I have felt anger. Learning boundaries, that I am a person with needs and it is acceptable to acknowledge that. Learning what God means to me. Learning tools that will help me cope in healthy ways. Unearthing my past, acknowledging the pain and recognizing the good. And yes, trying to understand BPD.

It will be great when party time starts again. When I can go out on a date, get excited about a holiday, howl at the moon. But one thing I learned in these years is patience. I have a lot of years of thinking to get caught up on. It's not time for me to move on just yet. But watch out when I do!

[almost789]

I just said the same thing. I know it's over, I have detached. But why still the emptyness and sadness. Why am I not exited about life anymore. I'm not the same person I was before him. Maybe I just need more time. The other thing is perhaps there are "issues" need to be dealt with within ourselves that we havent found yet. Everyone keeps telling me to deal with myself. But I don't get it because I was happy and content before this relationship. So, wouldn't it make sense that it was just this relationship that has left me with this hole?

[Cumulus]

Hi lifegeson2, do you mind me asking how long you were together and how long since you split up?

[almost789]

I was with him only 2 years total 8mo then 4 recycles, nothing in comparison to the length of yours. You were married for years right? So I can understand how much harder it has to be for you. But even these short relations with them somehow leave us so damaged. Ive seen it time and time again. Its just so extremely intense even if short lived it seemed like it would last forever. Do you thi nk you may have underlying issues?

[turtle]

Cumulus -- I so enjoy reading your words. 

I'll be glad for your party time to start too.  That will be a great bash!

turtle

[Cumulus]

Hi life goes on2, yes, I was way too many years in my relationship, over 25, well over, we married young. I think the issues are different when you have been a long time vs a shorter time, no less painful either way, just different. Some one else posted that her T had said it may be more painful for those who have been in shorter relationships because they hadn't the time to build up defence mechanisms. IMO that feels true. Having said that I have far less "normal" to relate to when compared to someone who left sooner. That's hard, trying to rediscover normalcy with so little to go on. It's just not easy at whatever point you got on or got off. Hopefully we  all arrive for party time though!

[almost789]

Yeah, I cant wait for that! Maybe I should just force the party now and see what happens... .  

[KeepingPeace]

I'm going on 2 years out from my ex and while I'm functioning fine overall and doing what I need to do to move forward and create a happy environment for my daughter, there is still this looming feeling of emptiness that sometimes I just can't shake.  The first few months were an emotional roller coaster and then suddenly I was "OK".  I haven't had a lot of time just sit and think, so it seems like life has just moved on and I'm kinda numb about it all.  As far getting on with my life, and working and taking care of my daughter and basically surviving... .  I've been doing great.  But I'm also still very much isolated and have no social life... .  no friends to speak of ... and when I let myself think about it I get depressed for a bit... .  So I don't think about it much:P  I put the happy face back on, turn up the music, get sucked into a game... .  something so I'm not sitting around thinking><  Because if I let myself really think about what happened... .  then I'm a mess and I just really don't have the time to be a mess... .  it feels like a luxuryXD  So I pull myself together and move forward.  But I'm starting to get a bit resentful of always having to be ok and still basically taking care of everyone else and what they need.   I NEED A BREAK><  Sometimes I just wanna run away:P  Anyway, now I'm just rambling:P But basically I think we need to find a balance between thinking/processing things that happened, and healing whatever it is in ourselves that allowed us to be with someone so bad for us, and rediscovering who we are and what we like to do, and getting some joy back in our lives.   For me, I was with him for 8 years, from the moment I moved out of my parents house... .  so I don't really know who I am or what I like to do><  My whole adult life was with him and so now I'm trying to find me:P  Most of what I like to do is still based on what WE liked to do>< and I still find myself thinking of how he would disapprove of some of the things I do... .    Gotta get him out of my head:P  

[almost789]

I started reading a book that I thought would help me heal and move forward. It was called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" Its about getting over lost love. I've heard awesome reviews on it, it is on this site. So, I started reading it and got to the part where you go into "little me" ( I dont really get it because I've not done it yet, something about going into your little child.) So, when I get to that part. I put the book up, said I don't have time to deal with that right now. That was months ago. It's supose to be really intense and I want to give it full focus. But, I am going to get back to that book to see if I can find out why I can't seem to "get over" this.

[mango_flower]

I hear you.

I wonder if part of it is that in some messed up way, we miss the craziness.  I mean, we didn't want it, it caused us anxiety. But we're fixers (which we're here to work on!) and in some way, now we have nothing to fix, we feel empty.

Feels like there is no purpose, no point, right?  It's so tough... .  

Have you been assessed for depression, just to rule it out? xxx

[KeepingPeace]

Yeah, I'm starting to think it's time to find a therapist... .  and one who knows what do do with me><  I stopped going to the one I had been going to during the relationship, right after he went psycho on me because she was clearly uncomfortable dealing with the violent, traumatic thing I had been through and tried to pawn me off on the support groups at the women's shelter... .  I'm definitely feeling kinda depressed lately and don't want to be like my ex and refuse to go deal with it><

[gina louise]

 "Hi!"

we focus on them as a partner or on having "Us" in a r/s.

when that's gone... .  we sort have a void to fill. 

to me, it's part of the Lonely Child dynamic, maybe that's why it feels so deep seated and empty.

part of the core wound in childhood?

GL

[Cumulus]

Hi KP, sounds like we are in the same time frame. My two year anniversary is in April and it is an anniversary worth celebrating because I took my life back. Like you, the first six months, well I think the best description would be that I was in a state of shock. That was me walking around, tending to what needed to be done but I was only a shell of a person. Then I was OK. No one but my intimate friends knew how I was suffering inside, I just carried on. Really, I think a better name for us nons would be the " carry alls to the carry ons". ( Just a random thought, they continue to pop up unbidden! ). I think what you are doing is great, turning on the music, getting into a game. You're trying and that counts for something. LGO2's suggestion to be assessed for depression is wise, and finding someone you are comfortable with and you feel understands our BPD situation is so needed. You are so fortunate to have a daughter. I have two, both adults, and they bring me so much love and joy. I wish you so well. You have so much life ahead of you. I married my xBPDh when I was just 19, I'm now 50 ( and a bit!). I could wish I had left long before but life doesn't let you relive, so I will take the years I have left and try to make them count.

[Cumulus]

The Journey From Abandonment to Healing, another one for my list! Thank you. Mango flower, for me it's not the craziness I miss, I think what created the void was I lost my job, and my job was to teach him what was "crazy" behaviour and what was normal. I would explain things to him. For example, we were out with some of my friends and someone was discussing her feelings with regard to a person who was close to her who had passed away. My xBPDh laughed. I pulled him aside and explained why that was inappropriate behaviour. He looked at me and said he understood. So I  think, good, I taught him that. But, there was always something to teach him. This was a grown man. What was I thinking!