The Danger of a Poor Emotional Memory

[bb12]

So I am a long time out of my r/ship now and very happy with what I have learned about PDs and myself.

And despite an impossibly cruel ending (silent treatment, no closure), I am now finding myself thinking more and more about breaking NC and attempting  a chat

I am not sure where this urge is coming from, but suspect it is as simple as having a poor emotional memory. As empaths, fixers, codependents, I suspect we are very slow to let go of our 'other' directedness... .  and I think I might want to check in on him to see if he's doing ok.

I have forgiven him - which is a good thing, as I am not holding onto any anger and am largely living a happy life again

But I am too slow to forget just how painful this experience was; how cruel he has been

So why do I still feel the urge to make contact... .  when there has been nothing from him EVER?

Anyone else have hiccups in their recovery like this?

BB12

[j4c]

My ending sounds very similar to yours bb12. Total confusion, no closure, one day loved up the next she'd gone! Im 9 months NC now apart from one random meeting where i gave her a lift home 4 months ago. She was like a different girl. Like she didnt know how to act with me and went into detail about a day we had at the races + restaurant.(she recalled the full day we'd spent 7 months previous as if it happened only the day before) It was weird. Almost like she wasnt sure whether i was still to be painted black or not. But low and behold i messaged her the next day saying it was nice seeing her & wished her luck for a job interview she had... .  and then nothing. Not even a reply wishing me a happy birthday for the following day! Just so cruel!

Do you think its possible that you want to re-engage to prove to yourself that you really are over him? Almost to finally get that closure that you've never had before? It makes sense now you're happy in life (excellent to hear btw) & its something I'd perhaps one day like to attempt with my ex but deep down i know im better off just staying as far away from her as possible. Nothings changed. Shes still the same terrified, emotionally immature girl that ran away from me the minute she thought i might abandon her.

I'd imagine most of the guys in the same position as us will get these "hiccups" too - its only natural, but its maybe worth asking yourself what you'd like to achieve out of making contact again with him and also how would you feel if he isn't as friendly with you as you were hoping he'd be?       

[bb12]

Do you think its possible that you want to re-engage to prove to yourself that you really are over him?

Thanks J4C

Yep - I reckon it is exactly that. I feel very good right now and perhaps want to test my level of 'over him'.

But you're right... .  he would not be friendly at all. I became a trigger for some fairly appalling treatment at the end... .  and beyond it.

9 months ago when I tried to make contact he put the phone onto someone else who told me to go away. Soo embarrassing.

Because they are undiagnosed, I can have trouble believing he has a PD... .  and I can imagine a level of logic entering the picture. But it won't and can't.

I have just never known an ending like it, so the morbid curiosity remains - to understand how his warped mind works.

You are right to know we are better off staying away. They will punish us forever for implanting in them that sense of abandonment - perceived or not

BB12

[j4c]

Passing the phone to someone else as if to say "check out my ex that isn't over me yet so hense i must be soo amazing! 

They really do act like children don't they.

Yes i too am a massive trigger to her inner turmoil. I honestly believe the more intimate the r/s - the bigger the trigger once they're split us black so i always remind myself of this when i find myself thinking about her! Is your ex single right now? Mine is 2.5 months into a new r/sv so i suspect he will be living in "red flag city" at the moment haha