dBPDh spanked our baby

[lizzie458]

I'm posting here because the Parenting after the Split board seems to be more geared toward co-parenting... .  well... .  AFTER the split and we are together.  I think the dynamics of parenting can be much different with a couple that is still together vs. one that is split up.  So here we go.

dBPDh works swing shift and watches our 9 mo. old baby part time (he goes to day care part time to give H "me time".  H wants it this way because he's cheap and doesn't want to pay full time daycare, and also because he does enjoy our son and is great with him (usually) and would rather watch him part time than have him in the DC environment full time.

As I said, he's usually great with the baby, HOWEVER, his BPD affects his parenting - obviously.  He has had unrealistic expectations for the baby from the get go (he should sleep through the night by 4 weeks, basically be independent and self-sufficient by now, etc.).  I was scared in the beginning because he resented the baby for crying, not going to sleep or doing what H wanted whenever he wanted it, etc. but things really changed once the baby was able to interact with H.  He became much more patient, realizing that the baby's not crying just to manipulate him - that he really is not able to soothe himself.  Well, I should say things got better temporarily.  He still paints the baby black (with sleep issues at least) when things get rough.  I'm having to already validate the heck out of my 9 mo old son (how do you do that?) because I think H is going to give him a complex if he doesn't have strong self esteem.

Anyway, every time the baby gets sick or is teething, or something else causes some sleep issues (completely normal for an infant) H freaks out: “if something doesn’t change, I’m going to want:  him to see a sleep specialist, to wean him from breast feeding, etc.”   He thinks I’m not taking him seriously because…well I don’t know why.  I had a decent convo with him just now where I tried as best I could to validate his feelings, but he doesn’t seem to understand that this is just the way babies are and I can’t fix it…and he can’t fix it.  We know the baby is totally fine and healthy, and everything is normal, but it seems H can’t accept that.  He actually said something that pointed to part of the problem which is his insecurity – said something about how he doesn’t have the skills or capability to fix the baby (basically), inferring that something or someone out there CAN “fix” the baby.  At least we were able to figure out part of the source of the problem (I think the other part of it is just selfishness, wanting to have his old life back).  We can work on that later.

What scares me is, he admitted to spanking the baby the other day.  He put him down forcefully when he was only a few weeks old as well, and I blew up on him for that – we told our counselor, etc. and I thought it was understood that the game plan was for him to put the baby down when he’s getting frustrated, take a breather, and call someone (or DAYCARE) to drop the baby off if needed.  Well, I know the BPD makes H incapable of recognizing the escalation of his emotions and being able to head it off (or at the very least the BPD hinders that ability), but I also don’t want to put my son in danger.  This is going to sound silly:  I think this spanking this is a big deal BUT my first reaction is to be understanding with H (and try to help him process how to recognize that the spanking is because he’s angry – not that it’s going to help change the situation – and it’s not good for the baby either, so we need to figure out another way to deal with that anger) and not change our child care situation unless he feels it’s necessary.  However I realize my status as a non is a clear indicator that I have issues about what is and is not acceptable behavior so I want to check this with you guys.  What do you think is reasonable and helpful in this situation?  Do you think insisting on FT daycare is called for, or overkill?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mamachelle]

Hi Lizzie458

I think you could post this in Parenting after the Split as well and you would get wise counsel there.



I think given that your H is having problems with parenting that leaving him alone with the baby may be too hard when he is emotionally dysregulated.

It's not over the top unless you act like it's over the top. It's a way to reduce tension and make life less stressful for you and your H. At 9 months babies really are starting to enjoy the socialization at daycare and they are getting in to things and becoming mobile. It is a lot harder to deal with when you are emotionally dysregulated.

Stress and parenting are huge triggers for pwBPD.

If your H is in counseling that could be something they work on with him.

I am a Non  (exBPDH) married to a Non (w/ exBPDW). Have 3 Bio and 3 Step kids. (ages almost 2 to 16)  All live with us.

Hope this helps a little.

[iluminati]

A few different issues are here, and I can relate since I have a 3 yo daughter myself.  First, I wouldn't swear the day care situation.  If anything, it probably is a good thing for both your son and your husband.  Your son gets to play with other kids, and he gets a break, which even the most mentally healthy among us could use.  Let that one good.

About the dysregulation with various issues around the baby, in my experience, it boils down to the whole lack of control they have over a child.  I know in my wife's case, she'll freak out if the kid gets a bit upset or isn't perfect with her potty training.  I've heard those same lines about seeing a specialist with the exact same lines.  What works for me is validating them and telling them to wait and see before seeing a specialist.  That way, if it's a bad day (for either child or pwBPD parent), it'll resolve itself on its own.  If not, then you have something with a track record you can tell your pediatrician about for further advice.

Now the spanking thing is something I would sit down and discuss with them.  You need to figure out what the ground rules are around spanking, in what context and the like.  I know my wife told me on one of the rare occasions that she watched my daughter that she swatted her hand for reaching for something.  I knew it was against what we agreed with, but a swat on the hand isn't exactly grounds for WWIII.  Taking that into account, I let it slide and reminded her of the ground rules.  All was well after that.

[DreamGirl]

Hi Lizzie,



mamachelle and illuminati have great points - putting him in daycare is definitely a viable option. It also sounds like your counselor is trying to help him with this; even putting a screaming kiddo in a playpen and walking away to call you is a better option. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.  

I was a teenaged mama who really struggled with my first child (like a pwBPD sometimes can, I was lacking both emotional maturity and patience) and I needed lots and lots of support - so I certainly can empathize with someone suffering from BPD. It is very stressful and the lack of sleep only compounds the problem.

Is it feasible for Dad to take a break once a week in another room to "catch up" on sleep?  

However I realize my status as a non is a clear indicator that I have issues about what is and is not acceptable behavior so I want to check this with you guys.

We all need grounding when it comes to our loved ones.  

This workshop helps me a lot when I'm trying to guage my own situation:

TOOLS: When the children of a BPD parent are at risk

~DreamGirl