smear campaigns and BPD mother

[Waiting to Exhale]

My mom is known for her smear campaigns. Piss her off just right and you'll find yourself the subject of a nasty battle with her putting your name through the mud and making you look like a fool.   

But how does my talking to people about the things she's done and everything make me any less smearing her name?  If I talk about the crap she's done and what she says about other people to my friends, etc does that make me just as bad as her? 

Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with people?  Will everything I do in life be a consequence of her bad behaviors? Am I just fooling myself thinking that I'm nothing like her?  This crap really has me wondering if I should ever get married or have kids.  I sure as hell don't want to perpetuate the cycle and other the people I love.  But I don't want to be lonely either. 

[DaughterofDD]

But how does my talking to people about the things she's done and everything make me any less smearing her name?  If I talk about the crap she's done and what she says about other people to my friends, etc does that make me just as bad as her?  

In my situation... .  

I speak the absolute truth, and she does not.  I have not smeared her name; she has done that quite well all on her own.  Just as she is free to share whatever she wants, I have every right to talk with people about the abuse that I have endured.  I also know that I have no control over what those people on the receiving end truly think so I choose my audience very carefully, and it's cathartic for me.

[Iced]

  to you both.

Though I didn't have a mother who did those things, I had a former close friend who did as part of their triangulation and then attempt to recycle and rinse and repeat.

Being around the right people who trust YOU and who can trust the truth is what helps most.

No, you can't control what the other person will say or do and you can't always control the fallout afterwards (I ended up having to remove myself from a good and many places of socialization because after initiating NC, they started stalking - the extinction burst phase I think is what it's called? - and my business and sense of identity suffered as a result), but it IS possible to move on and move beyond and that includes loving yourself and getting the help you need to address your own self and your own needs and desires and to soothe and fix and heal what has been broken.

[Kwamina]

But how does my talking to people about the things she's done and everything make me any less smearing her name?  If I talk about the crap she's done and what she says about other people to my friends, etc does that make me just as bad as her?  

Seems like you were having a bad day. I don't think you're smearing your mother's name at all because unlike her, you're telling the truth about her but she's spreading lies about you. You should talk to people that you trust about what you're going through because I believe that will make you feel better and stronger because you realize you don't have to go through it alone. It wouldn't surprise me if you're mom has always encouraged or forced you to keep quiet about her behavior to other people or pretend as if everything was all right, that way it would be easier for her to control you and keep behaving the way she did. That's what my mother did.

BPD mothers set a bad example and make us doubt ourselves, so I think it's normal that we sometimes question ourselves like this. You really aren't anything like your mother at all, the fact that you're asking these questions and are trying to be the best you can be proves this.

[GeekyGirl]

The funny thing about smear campaigns is that not everyone buys into them. Most people know that there are two sides to every story, so whatever your mother is saying to people, know that more than a few will see through it.

But how does my talking to people about the things she's done and everything make me any less smearing her name?  If I talk about the crap she's done and what she says about other people to my friends, etc does that make me just as bad as her? 

The approach I've begun to take is to not discuss my relationship with my mother to others, including mutual friends. Most people will stay neutral and not get involved, and I try not to defend myself and politely change the subject if my mother comes up in conversation. Don't get me wrong--I don't enjoy it when she starts smear campaigns when she's angry at me, but I also think that people who know me well can decide for themselves what's real and what's not.

Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with people?  Will everything I do in life be a consequence of her bad behaviors? Am I just fooling myself thinking that I'm nothing like her?  This crap really has me wondering if I should ever get married or have kids.  I sure as hell don't want to perpetuate the cycle and other the people I love.  But I don't want to be lonely either. 

The work you're doing right now will help you develop healthy habits and keep healthy relationships in the future. Is there any other reason why you wouldn't want to get married or have kids?

[Ajness2305]

Don't let yourself get caught up in this thought process. Venting about the truth to people you trust is absolutely NOT the same as the smear campaign your mother is ensuing. Just because she may deny it or smear your name, does not make the things she's done to you less real or false.

I have a 3 yr old and a mother with BPD. I can tell you right now I fear everyday that I'm like her. But right there lies the solution. The fear of being like them makes it very possible to avoid the characteristics that we see in them. I work everyday to be honest, loving, fair, and humble, and CALM. The qualities that my mother is displaying are the exact qualities I can see for myself and avoid. It's hard when you are in a situation where emotions run high, but stepping back, taking a deep breath, and purposefully trying to fight against being like her will work. Just for the fact that your on this forum, you have the self awareness to be able to overcome emulating her qualities. Don't deny yourself the chance to be loved and have a family. Right now you are one step ahead, you know how NOT to behave or handle yourself.