Was it the right thing to do?

[oricle]

I have done alot of thinking, something that i do too much usually, and while all the signs point to her being BPD and i am not discouting that fact, there were also issues with the relationship that were my fault... .  wether from her or otherwise... .  

my story is in the L1 section for reference.

I feel like i had lost myself, my self esteem and self confidence, with the relationship, with work and with friends and family, i started blaming and making excuses for all of the problems... .  wether they occured from previous to the relationship and were amplified or wether they were caused by her control of the situation i cant work that out at the moment but they are there and evident in everything i have been doing of late...

I have been managing to live along this depressed and miserable state where i wasn't getting any personal satisfaction for things that i was doing, wether it was with work or in the relationship, work was a project that felt like it was impossible to complete and i was failing to ask for help whenever it got tough and going round and round in circles trying to finish it and fix problems that there was with it only to find more issues and more problems in other areas... .  in the relationship i wasnt doing things that i wanted to do, i was just letting her lead the way with things hanging out with her friends, agreeing with what she wanted to do... .  and thats not right... .  

I had a big discussion with my family about it today and realised these things about myself at the moment because i have been struggling to cope this weekend in particular, sitting at home doing nothing but reading and looking for reasons why, instead of trying to go out and do positive things to make myself happy... .  

I don't know if it was the right thing to do but i sent her a message today, probably the wrong thing to do but it felt so right, after i havent spoken to her for a couple of weeks now, i just felt like i needed to apologise for my part of the situation, for making her feel like she did because i know that my actions have had a part to play in it wether she caused it or not. I wasn't trying to do it as a message to make me seem like the bigger man or something like that (which she will probably seem like to her) but as a genuine apology for what i had done. I have spent the morning discussing and apologising to my friends and family for the way i was feeling and the fact that i was at the point of making excuses and blaming anything and everything for what was happening.

I guess i just need to vent and see what people think of the path i took with sending her a message like that, it was genuine in that i never ever wanted her to feel hurt and crush her self esteem or self confidence like i have, but in my selfish ways i managed to just blame everything except myself for the situation... .  stooped to trying to justify everything with an excuse and reason when there really only was one reason that i wouldn't admit to anyone, to her or even myself for the way i was feeling (not to say that she didnt get me to that point in her process)... .  

I dunno, I feel good that i have made a positive step towards recovering and resolving my own issues that i have burdened everyone with, but i am not sure wether sending her that message was appropriate or the right thing to do being that she wants nothing to do with me or my "~" anymore so she said... .  

Was it right to do that, or should i have just let it be, im so confused right now :S

[elessar]

Hi oricle,

I read your story in the L1 section. The impulsivity and the rage with which they walk our on a relationship and then give you silent treatment is never right. If you are feeling better, as you wrote, after sending the message... .  then don't sweat it. Confession... .  after so many days of NC I sent my ex a message an hr and a half back. No reply (as usual) but I felt better. Whether she replies, or what she replies is not in your hands. But after going through this for over two years my only advice would be, do not let her put you down. Any relationship that is not based on equal footing and respect will never be healthy. She has to realize she walked out on you so suddenly and it was the wrong thing to do.

[oricle]

Thanks, i appreciate that response, and i agree with you, it helped my journey by at least facing my problems, admitting them and doing something about them, she can choose to take it however she see it and maybe one day she will realise that what i did, said and how i fought and acted was for the right reasons and she walked out on it, maybe she wont but at the end of the day as you said, it really is out of our control... .  and I cant let her bring me down in the process too... .  

[Matt]

Usually I would say, if the relationship is over, then let it be.  Trying to get "closure" can cause lots of problems.

But wth.  You sent her a message - it seemed like the right thing, and from what you said, probably no harm will come of it.  So like Elessar said, don't sweat it.

I would suggest, though, that you have your eyes wide open, and be ready for some kind of response from her.  Probably best not to engage with her more;  it could just drag you back into some sort of continuing relationship, and then you won't be moving forward.

So... .  what does "forward" mean to you?  Where would you like to be heading now?

[oricle]

See that's where i guess the confusion is... .  we both have done wrong in the relationship and it has been a bumpy ride of what she considers 4 chances to get it right, the last being so close to getting it right and almost seems like it was just a jump decision on her part to get out because she was afraid it was going to work. I am not saying that is the case but when we had gotten to a point where we had booked an expensive holiday together, it was a big commitment to each other that things were going well. Yes there were other issues that we didn't see or both didn't understand at the time but it was a step in the right direction I thought.

Forward to me is getting myself back on track, it is about getting out of the lull that i have gotten into, getting confident with who i am, getting back to hanging out and spending time with my family and friends and finding myself again.

Having said that it is hard to imagine a life without her in it at the moment still, and there is this part of me still wondering if we could make it work. In saying that, as much as i want her back, I know it couldnt work in its current dynamic, however I do see a possibility that there could be a way to make it work if we were both open to the issues and wanting to help each other through them and learn how to cope and deal with them. I have offered in my final contact that i will be here to work on both of our issues if she ever changed her mind and I feel that was the right thing to do.

In the time since i posted my first message and just now, she replied with "It's ok, you are getting the help you need now and so am i". I am not sure how to respond to that, and if i should, but while i don't know if i should hold onto a hope that somewhere down the track things might fall into place, not to say now is not the time and i need to move on with my life and fixing myself in the process... .  but it feels very complicated right now... .  very complicated indeed.

All my gut tells me to respond is with something like "well i hope that we both go well with the help that we need and maybe we can discuss it in the future"... .  i dont know :S

[GreenMango]

Maybe give your self sometime to get your feet underneath you.  Let the emotions calm a little.  Then revisit what you'd like to say if you need to say anything.

[oricle]

yeah we had a bit of a conversation back and forwards, noting hateful or personal, just saying i hope she didnt hate me for that and she said it was unresonable for her to hate me for what happened, and that she wishes that i had done something about the problems when they arose so they didnt become what happened, she said that there is no point in dweliing in the past, so i dont know if that is a subtle hint to move on or that she has but thats where it sits at the moment.

There was no hint of her apologising for things she has done wrong however, so that is still an issue for me, she seems to thing that she has done everything she possibly can for the relationship to try and make it work, when alot of the issues have arisen by her reaction to situations... .  maybe that realisation will come with time, maybe it wont, maybe she doesn't see it or care to see it, who knows,

I have at least confirmed that the anger and rage has subsided a fair bit, but any hope of piecing back the relationship (if it even gets to that ) could take time and if at all, either way we need some space each to work out and as you said get my feet back under me and i need to let go and sort myself out, it gave me a bit of closure on the situation in apologizing for my part and knowing she doesnt hate and resent me for it. I guess that's all i can ask for at this stage... .  i just have to be strong now and NC for a while at least and get all my thoughts and emotions back in order.

[HarmKrakow]

See that's where i guess the confusion is... .  we both have done wrong in the relationship and it has been a bumpy ride of what she considers 4 chances to get it right, the last being so close to getting it right and almost seems like it was just a jump decision on her part to get out because she was afraid it was going to work. I am not saying that is the case but when we had gotten to a point where we had booked an expensive holiday together, it was a big commitment to each other that things were going well. Yes there were other issues that we didn't see or both didn't understand at the time but it was a step in the right direction I thought.

Forward to me is getting myself back on track, it is about getting out of the lull that i have gotten into, getting confident with who i am, getting back to hanging out and spending time with my family and friends and finding myself again.

Having said that it is hard to imagine a life without her in it at the moment still, and there is this part of me still wondering if we could make it work. In saying that, as much as i want her back, I know it couldnt work in its current dynamic, however I do see a possibility that there could be a way to make it work if we were both open to the issues and wanting to help each other through them and learn how to cope and deal with them. I have offered in my final contact that i will be here to work on both of our issues if she ever changed her mind and I feel that was the right thing to do.

In the time since i posted my first message and just now, she replied with "It's ok, you are getting the help you need now and so am i". I am not sure how to respond to that, and if i should, but while i don't know if i should hold onto a hope that somewhere down the track things might fall into place, not to say now is not the time and i need to move on with my life and fixing myself in the process... .  but it feels very complicated right now... .  very complicated indeed.

All my gut tells me to respond is with something like "well i hope that we both go well with the help that we need and maybe we can discuss it in the future"... .  i dont know :S

With that last sentence, and the previous, you attend a specific hope that, one day, under the perfect circumstances, we might come back together again. I think you should focus more on yourself and getting yourself back on track, because when you are back on track, you might have a better judgement on what went wrong and what went right and maybe from that point you realize it was the good point not to constantly keep your hopes up because you are delivering yourself agonizing pain.

[oricle]

yeah thats a good point, its feels easier said than done, but you are right, i have to sort myself out first and let go of the current situation, its hard. but necessary.

[HarmKrakow]

yeah thats a good point, its feels easier said than done, but you are right, i have to sort myself out first and let go of the current situation, its hard. but necessary.

Ofcourse, easier said than done. No one will argue about that.

However, by holding on to 1 thought, you on the other hand are holding yourself back to progress further. Seriously, take it from me, i've been in this 'FOG' for over 5 months, and having this inner hope that, if she would still see that I would love her, love would prevail, if I would try hard enough she might see the light. With actions like that, you 1) push her further away 2) and are only making YOUR rehabilitation and detachment more tricky. Because seriously, you might think of rock bottom from time to time, but seriously, someone can sink really deep after a BPD misery.

All the best to you man, seriously but think about yourself. I'm now reading the book by Eckhart Tolle for example, it's not going to be the best life changing essence in my life and all out of a sudden i'm going to be 100% fine again, NO, but it's a start. You need to make sure that 'sadness' triggers are going to be gone away.

[GreenMango]

yeah we had a bit of a conversation back and forwards, noting hateful or personal, just saying i hope she didnt hate me for that and she said it was unresonable for her to hate me for what happened, and that she wishes that i had done something about the problems when they arose so they didnt become what happened, she said that there is no point in dweliing in the past, so i dont know if that is a subtle hint to move on or that she has but thats where it sits at the moment.

There was no hint of her apologising for things she has done wrong however, so that is still an issue for me, she seems to thing that she has done everything she possibly can for the relationship to try and make it work, when alot of the issues have arisen by her reaction to situations... .  maybe that realisation will come with time, maybe it wont, maybe she doesn't see it or care to see it, who knows,

I have at least confirmed that the anger and rage has subsided a fair bit, but any hope of piecing back the relationship (if it even gets to that ) could take time and if at all, either way we need some space each to work out and as you said get my feet back under me and i need to let go and sort myself out, it gave me a bit of closure on the situation in apologizing for my part and knowing she doesnt hate and resent me for it. I guess that's all i can ask for at this stage... .  i just have to be strong now and NC for a while at least and get all my thoughts and emotions back in order.

Unfortunately if she has this disorder/traits you probably won't see a lot of personal accountability.  Her wanting to move on and forget about it is more par for the course... .  its a way for someone who has poor coping skills and a fragile ego/identity can to cope.  Pushing for her to own her part may increase her hostility.

Letting yourself grieve and get to less emotional place is a good plan.  How your support network?  Friends family?

[oricle]

Yeah that is definitely what she seems to be doing, there has always been an element of not being able to cope in the relationship, not necessarily just with us, but with some general situations too... .  

I have good friend and family support through this, all my friends are supporting me and trying to help keep me occupied and putting up with me having a vent/rant about the situation often, and my parents are doing as parents do and giving advice and support too... .  its helping.

It was interesting that one of my closest friends last night was telling me how she has never really seen us happy other than when we were first going out, its a bit of an eye opener, and its weird how if we were so unhappy throughout the relationship, how we got as far as we did... .  

Today is a better day at the moment, sprits are high, and confident and not too emotional about it.

[oricle]

Well just for an update seings as I havent been able to get on here too much lately... .  

So because we still have to talk in regards to outstanding debts we are paying each other and stuff to do with renting our apartment etc, the NC is still a bit difficult to implement... .  

Friday last week, after not talking to her at all for about 1 month, I decided that I wanted to show a bit of effort on my part to test the water and see if there was any spark or if she wanted to discuss things while there was still that necessity to speak... .  

I went and got a blank card and some coloured textas, trying to keep it simple and to the point this time without going overboard which I have done in the past with letters and pushing too hard etc. So I just took the card and wrote about 100 thing that i missed about us and about her and scattered them all over the card in different colours and dropped it off into her letterbox when I was driving past her area.

It took about a day and a half for a response to which I got "whats with the card?", we then progressed to talking about our situation, I felt that she seemed rather open to talking about it and us and what we were feeling, and considering it not just blatently telling me no. We ended up texting backwards and forwards for the majority of the weekend, with what felt like making progress and then taking a few steps back then making a bit more progress etc.

From the vibe she was giving me (not trying to over analyse it) there was a glimmer of wanting to make it to work but the issues that she sees she doesnt feel she can get past and they are still making her angry and having troulble trusting me. When I mentioned that it was glad that she was willing to talk about the situation and it felt like she might want to make this work as well, she switched back to a "dont tell me what im thinking, you have no idea etc etc" , to which we chatted for a bit longer and just when i thought we were on the right track to meeting up and discussing it over a coffee or something, she sends a "I cant do this, im trying to move on with my life and get myself together and look after myself and focus on myself and im finally getting to that point"... .  

I simply replied with "thats what we are both trying to do, but always with the added bonus of sorting ourselves out so that we could get the relationship back to where it was to begin with where we were both individuals and what we liked about each other etc. i wish I knew the words to say or things to do to get us back to that situation but you have to want to as well. you asked me to fight for you and I promised i would because nobody had ever done that for you before and i am doing that now. The door is always open from my end if you feel that it is something that you want to explore."

Now its a long speel I know but since having that conversation, I have felt 75% better with myself and the situation. It is still hard and there are times that it all gets a bit overwhelming and I still love her with all my heart, but I am confident now that I am capable now and have put in the effort to try and make this work, the rest has to be up to her to put in some sort of want/effort back and it seems that it is not something that she wants at the moment, and there is nothing i can really do to change that.

Instead I have been hanging out with friends, I have even been on a couple of simple dates with a girl I met, nothing serious yet just want to keep it simple and take it slowly as I dont want to jump at a relationship to heal a hurt and hurt her or rebound on her because I wouldn't want that to happen to me.

Just thought I would share and get some of it off my chest so I can concentrate on my work again because it was all getting a bit overwhelming again... .  

Thanks.

[Matt]

If the relationship is over, and you believe she has BPD, it will be best to minimize communication with her, and keep it on a 100% business basis.

[healingmyheart]

Matt,

You said that trying to get closure is difficult.  That's interesting because my ex BPD who had been carrying on an emotional affair with a married women (had a physical affair with her in the past) said that the communication was nothing more than her trying to get closure. 

I'm not sure I understand why this is.  Obviously, there was no closure  with them esp. since they are together again but I guess I'm more worried about me. 

There never will be closure directly with the BPD person, will there?  Is that why it's so hard to just walk away? 

Is there anything we as "non's" can do to help ourselves with this in our communication with the ex pad partner? 

[Matt]

Not only is it difficult to get "closure", but in trying for it, we make a lot of bad mistakes that make things worse.  Reading many stories from many members here, when I see the word "closure", it's pretty much a hint that something bad is coming - some mistake is being made that will have bad consequences... .  

"Closure" can be a code word, meaning, "I just want to give the other person a chance to see that they were wrong, and I was right, and to tell me that it was all their fault."  Don't get me wrong... .  maybe the other party has BPD or something else, and maybe they did a bunch of wrong things, and maybe we were all doing our best and doing what we thought was right.  I'm not saying it's wrong to wish for the other party to come around to our point of view... .  

... .  but I'm saying, in the real world, it's just not going to happen.  If there was a pattern of behavior in the other person that made the relationship impossible - and usually there's some stuff we need to do better too - but we can only improve our own behavior, not the other person's.  So if the other party has some problems, and some hurtful patterns of behavior, then thinking that they're going to just change, without professional help, and that they will tell us how right we were, and how wrong they were, just isn't realistic.

So to go seeking that "closure", is just getting involved with the person all over again.  And if that caused problems in the past, it's going to cause problems now too.