How Long Should I Wait?

[ScornedNForlorn]

I have explained my story in another post, but had an additional query for the group.

After 7.5 years together, 3.5 years married, and one child, my BPD wife and I have been separated for 4 months. In that time, she had an affair with a married coworker that ended badly and ultimately cost her her internship. (Both she & the affair are studying to be MFTs). I helped her to pick up her pieces, and talked her down through that process.

She still says she has no emotional connection with me, so she doesn't want to be with me. But she also won't commit to completing the divorce process. And now she has set up an online dating profile in an effort to 'find out more about herself, and what else could be out there for her.'

I love my wife unconditionally, I want to spend the rest of my life with her and as the family we created together.  But how long should I hold on to the hope that that can happen, when she is so adamant that we will never work together?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

You ask a valid question, and hard one.   

Having a problematic relationship and holding onto hope in the face of some hard facts are probably the two things that most unite the members working on this board.

These are the basic facts you shared:  Your wife seperated from you, told you she doesn't want to be with you, had an affair that ended badly, told you she feels no connection to you after you helped her pick up the pieces, now she is creating an on-line dating profile, but won't finalize a divorce.

Is this what "unconditional love" should look like?

   

[ScornedNForlorn]

briefcase-

Thanks for your reply.  I don't know what it's supposed to look like.  I know I don't want to get divorced.  I believe that with more information, more therapy, and patience that we can rebuild a better relationship than what we had before.

And I am scared that if I push for the divorce to be finalized, it will validate any feelings she has had about how I was always eventually going to abandon her.  And I have fear of being seen as pressuring and trying to take the control she currently holds over our relationship away if I file the withdrawal petition I have carried around in my laptop bag for the last 5 weeks.

I am making a concerted effort to not discuss the possibility of our reconciliation with her, and to not be the one to reach out to her by phone and text.  But I struggle to not respond to her when she calls or texts me.  It would be easier without our son, but I have to see her everyday or two, sometimes more than once in a day, to exchange custody.

As much as I know I will never change her mind or way of thinking, I just wish she would realize how much I love her and how I always want to be there for her and be by her side. The thought of her even emailing another man, let alone the possibility of going on an actual date, after what we just went through makes me physically sick to my stomach.  I don't understand what she is looking for online, but to me it just seems like another method of the same running away from pain she has practiced her entire life.

[Tired of it]

The most recent episode as I have mentioned before was my ex asking me to "please stop emailing her" only for her to email me asking to hang out three weeks later.  I did and then a few days later she came around and we were intimate.  I found out she lied about not being single, and not proud to say, I informed the guy and then asked her sister what was up with her lying.  Needless to say she got pissed at me.  My question is this.  Does she know she is wrong despite her "front"?  Despite her getting mad at me for telling the truth about her deceit, do BPDs at some point during a moment when they are by themselves know that they are wrong, even if they don't admit it.  I don't care if she thinks about me or not, but is that something they would do?

Also, after this process of us being intimate I asked her if she really loves me (after standing me up on that weekend after asking me to promise to see her).  She said yes but needed time.  During this time I hear she doesn't want to rush into a relationship and that she feels like i'm rushing her and then to see that this guy pops up on her mom's friends list on FB who was previously on her sisters FB before not being there anymore.  I'm at odds on if I had given her time would she have come back around or just played us both.  Now there is nothing at all and won't be.  I'm just wondering if I am at fault.  If I would have just waited and not said a single word and let her come to me, even after standing me up, would her mindset have led her to come back or was I just someone in the interim of her and that guy mending things?

[dmiller]

 ScornedNForlorn, who says you have to do anything right now? Sometimes time is the best thing... .  especially with a BPD. And certainly they can be very confused and angry. Time will probably help you. Only do whatever you want to do in your timing. Nothing else. Or else later you may feel regret. I think unconditional love can be letting her work through things. Unforumately, it does at times mean it hurts us. Just know that sometimes they think they want something when they truly don't. Even nonBPD people do that very often. So why not see what times brings. Especially, considering there's a child involved. Sounds like you do have unconditional love for her. But it does have to be healthy unconditional love. I believe there's a difference.

[briefcase]

Scorned,

I have a suggestion.  Think about boundaries.  Does loving someone, even "unconditionally," mean you don't have boundaries?  What are your boundaries (your limits) around some of the issues you raised? 

-I can be with someone who doesn't love me

-I can be with someone who doesn't love me, but might someday love me.

-I can be with someone who is not faithful.

Are any of these statements true for you?

I am very sorry you have to go through this in your marriage, and yes, children complicate things.  But, as parents, we also have boundaries about what we want to model for our kids, who we know will someday likely emulate us as adults.   

[ScornedNForlorn]

I have no desire to be with anyone else, even to date or anything like that.  So I can wait as long as it takes for her to figure things out, even knowing the likelihood of her seeing me as someone different than the villain I have been perceived as in the past. I would prefer she didn't sleep with anyone else, but of course I don't have control over that.

I can be with her despite her affair, as long as I felt that the issues with her & I that allowed her to act on feelings she wouldn't have otherwise were addressed.  Regardless of my love for her, I will not subject myself to suffering further if we were to attempt to get back together and she cheated on me again.

I can love her, but I won't force her to be with me if she doesn't love me.

I just want this all to be over, I want to be with her, but even if the divorce were over at least things would have closure for me.

[committed]

briefcase offered some very good advice. One thing I learned in the early months of my relationship was that when my BPDbf gave me the silent, distant treatment, the harder I pushed to reconcile or at least talk about about things... .  the faster he ran the other direction.

One day I got wise and decided I was going to take care of me and that I did not deserve to be treated in the manner he was treating me and went on with my life. It wasn't long before he realized I wasn't chasing him any more and he wanted back in. That was my opportunity to lay down some boundaries... .  they were for me... .  but I made sure he was aware. I told him that I refused to be the victim of his silent treatment and rages and that if it happened again, I was done. I did it in a very loving, but firm manner so he knew I was serious. And, the silent treatment and rages went away.

Three years later, he and I are still together but I believe have more respect for one another. Is life perfect... .  heck no... .  but I'm good.

Start taking care of you and I guarantee the rest will fall in place the way it should... .  not necessarily the way you believe it should be... .  but the way that is best for you.

[coworkerfriend]

There is no right or wrong answer to your question.  It totally depends on what you can live with.

I find that the harder I try to fix - the more dysregulation occurs.  I fell COMPLETELY into the horrible habits that I have been working on today.  He trigger me and I did everything wrong including following him to his car.

This is a hard disorder to live with.  As much as I learn from the tools and lessons, habits/triggers are hard to break.  I struggle daily actually hourly with my boundaries.  I have not been able to clearly define them.  I spiral completely out of control.