Are we ever the same again?

[oldsport]

Learning about BPD and reading this forum has helped to shed so much light on past events and without it i don't know where i would be. But despite rationalising it, realising it was doomed, realising i was cheated on, my emotions completely disregarded and she has no awareness or no care for what she did to me... .  i am still so caught up by her. I wish i wasn't. I loved her so much -my first real love. I wish i could live happily and move on... .  not be tortured still by the thought of her with her new victim who she lied to my face about, suddenly decided instantly over night that she no longer loved me and began idealizing my replacement.

Contact has been pretty much non-existant on my side, although she will still call and text maybe once a week. It kills me that i can't tell her that i still love her because i know there is zero chance it could ever work again and neither could i ever put myself through that again -or actually want to. I feel a large part of me has moved on... .  gone on plenty of dates, slept with new girls, but nobody since has been able to compare... and i know why that it is, because they do not suffer from a mental illness. It feels like a mental torture, to be discarded so easily when i thought the love was so real. Seems like things are already going badly with her new bf, having already cheated on him, i almost feel sorry for him and what he is in for and therefore even if i did get involved again, i know nothing would change. The craziness will always exist. 

She phoned me up only a couple of weeks ago late at night pleading for me to come up to her place and sleep with her, that she missed me. Begged for me to get a cab up and even to book a hotel for the next night. I was stupid enough to have phone sex with her and i even heard her orgasm down the phone. I know i shouldn't have done it and it has shaken me up again so badly. When i texted her next day she said it didn't mean anything, she was just drunk. Said she was feeling confused. Who can do that? I genuinely feel like a have lost my soul mate, we were such a perfect match and now she is with somebody she admitted doesn't have a lot to talk about with and is hardly a catch. What is she thinking? : (

She has never been able to let me go completely, even when i have begged to not contact me and let me move on. When i was with i distinctly remember her always keeping tabs on exes who i'm sure where going through the same torture as i am. Don't really know what this post hoped to achieve but thought it would make me feel better. The wounds she left are deep and i am still (7 months on) working a day at a time...   : (

[goldylamont]

i don't think we're supposed to be the same after going through something like this. i think we're supposed to change and grow, and boy will this type of thing make you do that

it's terrible what you've been through and i know how it is to talk with the ex and have them manipulate you into giving them some love and for them it's only a quick fix... .  the next day it means nothing.

you seem to have a good sense of what happened and what's currently going on, and i think this is really good. it's tough but at least you seem to have a good basis to start healing.

[WT]

I should hope that we won't ever be the same again and fall into the same trap as before.  I know that I won't be so naive anymore as to believe that love can fix any problem.

[forgottenarm]

i don't think we're supposed to be the same after going through something like this. i think we're supposed to change and grow, and boy will this type of thing make you do that

I would go even further and say that we, as individuals, had something we needed to learn because of our own emotional histories, and actually sought out our partners with BPD on some level because these relationships would teach us that thing.  In my case, for example, I learned that I cannot love another person into mental health and self-sufficiency.  I learned that my job is to take care of ForgottenArm.  And I learned what boundaries are!  Welcome the growth and change, Oldsport.  It's all good. 

[imstronghere2]

No man, I at least will never be the same again.  Ever.  I can add more tomorrow but I'm still putting the pieces back together after a year and half.  Lots and lots of scars.  Getting stronger every day though so that's something.

[AllyCat7]

I thought I'd be ok, but I think I have trust issues now 

I always had trust issues with women (have a BPD waif mom and supposedly that's a result of that), but not with men... .  or so I thought. Come to think of it, I think I did develop some trust issues after my first breakup and it's gotten worse over time. The last bf (the BPD waif who I am still in touch with) has really exacerbated them, though. I never felt so expendable to someone in my life. It's so crazy. I was just reading some of the emails we exchanged in the beginning and it's like night and day. How can something so supposedly deep and real turn into such a mess of lies, manipulation, control, and distrust? It's crazy.

I just know that I don't want to do the bf/gf thing again. I'm just going to get to know people at a distance as friends and just make a decision about marriage based on that. I can't put my heart on the line again only to have it not work out again. Breakups leave scars, especially breakups with BPDs 

[goldylamont]

oh allycat7 i'm so sorry to hear that. you know, i've posted on here before about this (probably many others too) about looking at BPD like an infectious virus or disease. i read elsewhere on another forum that of the 10 psychological disorders that BPD is the only one of them where droves of nonBPD SO's go into therapy unsure of their own sanity. meaning, if you're around someone who is a narcissist, doesn't mean you'll start acting narcissistic, or if you're around a schizophrenic, doesn't necessarily mean you'll start hearing imaginary voices in your head also. but if you're with a BPD... .  i can't tell you how many times nonBPD have complained of having BPD traits only after being in a relationship with them. trust issues? it's almost like you caught a cold from your ex i feel. for me it was anger that i knew i never felt before, and i'm sorry, i know i'm not crazy, the anger started with her... .  i'm not perfect but i won't take responsibility for something that didn't start with me.

i'm saying all this allycat7 because it's my belief that with BPD it does spread like a virus... .  but viruses can be cured. and you are not the source, and the fact that you admit that you are affected means that you already have self-awareness! and this self awareness is a glimpse at the truth. and the truth, oh the truth is that there is a deep wound, and the lies cover this wound so it won't hurt for a while, but the truth... .  well the truth hurts at first, just like taking a scab off a wound. but removing this scab and seeing the truth may hurt at first, but then all the puss and bad stuff can come out, yucky i know... but then the wound can heal. if you can't trust right now... it's ok, take your time, don't trust i say for a while. you like animals? maybe being around good strong animal such as a horse or a bigger dog that is loving but also powerful can help re-establish the trust until you can recalibrate to be more trusting of people. just a suggestion, but be proud that you have the awareness and inner strength to see your own truth and to look at your own wounds.

[Li Po mem]

Amen to growth and change!

[AllyCat7]

oh allycat7 i'm so sorry to hear that. you know, i've posted on here before about this (probably many others too) about looking at BPD like an infectious virus or disease. i read elsewhere on another forum that of the 10 psychological disorders that BPD is the only one of them where droves of nonBPD SO's go into therapy unsure of their own sanity. meaning, if you're around someone who is a narcissist, doesn't mean you'll start acting narcissistic, or if you're around a schizophrenic, doesn't necessarily mean you'll start hearing imaginary voices in your head also. but if you're with a BPD... .  i can't tell you how many times nonBPD have complained of having BPD traits only after being in a relationship with them. trust issues? it's almost like you caught a cold from your ex i feel. for me it was anger that i knew i never felt before, and i'm sorry, i know i'm not crazy, the anger started with her... .  i'm not perfect but i won't take responsibility for something that didn't start with me.

i'm saying all this allycat7 because it's my belief that with BPD it does spread like a virus... .  but viruses can be cured. and you are not the source, and the fact that you admit that you are affected means that you already have self-awareness! and this self awareness is a glimpse at the truth. and the truth, oh the truth is that there is a deep wound, and the lies cover this wound so it won't hurt for a while, but the truth... .  well the truth hurts at first, just like taking a scab off a wound. but removing this scab and seeing the truth may hurt at first, but then all the puss and bad stuff can come out, yucky i know... but then the wound can heal. if you can't trust right now... it's ok, take your time, don't trust i say for a while. you like animals? maybe being around good strong animal such as a horse or a bigger dog that is loving but also powerful can help re-establish the trust until you can recalibrate to be more trusting of people. just a suggestion, but be proud that you have the awareness and inner strength to see your own truth and to look at your own wounds.

Aww thanks Goldy! That was really helpful. I like your idea about the dog. I'm actually dog-sitting my favorite dog (my friend's dog) this weekend and again at the end of the month. I love dogs but don't have one of my own. I hope that helps a little. And I am working on strengthening my close friendships, so I hope that helps me with the trust issues, too. It just sucks when people lie to you. That breaks my trust more than cheating. My bf before this one was also BPD (a rager type) and our relationship wasn't 100% exclusive due to our circumstances, but we were both honest about it and so I never had an issue with trust with him. But his recent one lies to me about everything ughh. Anyway, thanks again. I hope to heal this wound and will keep a safe distance from untrustworthy people in the meantime!