Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I looked at the list and it appears that I'm flip flopping back between victim and survivor... .  

So yeah.  I'm trying to be honest here, and yes I know this is the "victim" side of me, so please don't be too mean!  This is why I am posting, to try and be accountable.

I'm at the stage of wondering WHY I am trying for emotional maturity. I've always been emotionally mature, but dating a person with BPD has really set me back.

It feels like, I've been the bigger person, I've been patient, kind, strong, unwaveringly supportive... .  

And she's acted like a brat, if you ask anyone who knew our relationship. 

I feel like, some days I just want to throw the towel in.

I want to be that brat, who does whatever she wants, is non-accountable for her actions, and no matter what, always gets rescued and has people to take care of her.  Gets attention, gets help, gets to be looked after.

And I know this is wrong! I shouldn't feel like this... .  I should be taking care of MYSELF!  I always have done... .  but I feel like I'm going backwards.

Is it just because I'm still grieving and hurting? 

P.S I have a strong, logical brain and I know this isn't right, nor will I ACT like this, but having these little thoughts worries me.

[mango_flower]

I looked at the list and it appears that I'm flip flopping back between victim and survivor... .  

So yeah.  I'm trying to be honest here, and yes I know this is the "victim" side of me, so please don't be too mean!  This is why I am posting, to try and be accountable.

I'm at the stage of wondering WHY I am trying for emotional maturity. I've always been emotionally mature, but dating a person with BPD has really set me back.

It feels like, I've been the bigger person, I've been patient, kind, strong, unwaveringly supportive... .  

And she's acted like a brat, if you ask anyone who knew our relationship. 

I feel like, some days I just want to throw the towel in.

I want to be that brat, who does whatever she wants, is non-accountable for her actions, and no matter what, always gets rescued and has people to take care of her.  Gets attention, gets help, gets to be looked after.

And I know this is wrong! I shouldn't feel like this... .  I should be taking care of MYSELF!  I always have done... .  but I feel like I'm going backwards.

Is it just because I'm still grieving and hurting? 

P.S I have a strong, logical brain and I know this isn't right, nor will I ACT like this, but having these little thoughts worries me.

[Grey Kitty]

I think you're OK here.

There is a big difference from wanting to be that immature spoiled brat who is taken care of... .  and choosing to act that way!

Part of being a grown-up is recognizing how !@#$!@# hard it sometimes is and that you don't like it!

[mango_flower]

Thanks Grey Kitty -

Yeah - I'd never behave that way - far too much of a conscience!  I try to treat others how I'd like to be treated.  And I guess in time I will attract similar people towards me, so my life will be better.  Short term it's tough though - it feels quite unfair! 

Thanks again

[blecker]

I raise some chickens. They are real smart birds. Social, a language and they even know how to count. Never leave the parimeter of their world though their curiosity always amazes me.

In my flock there is this one hen called Red who is similar to the brat you describe. She nips and pushes and is always first for food and special treats. She has even drawn blood.

But you know what? At night when they all find their coop and snuggle in with their chirps and purrs... .  she is alone by herself. Cold, separate and shunned.

Chickens are smart. 

[mango_flower]

I raise some chickens. They are real smart birds. Social, a language and they even know how to count. Never leave the parimeter of their world though their curiosity always amazes me.

In my flock there is this one hen called Red who is similar to the brat you describe. She nips and pushes and is always first for food and special treats. She has even drawn blood.

But you know what? At night when they all find their coop and snuggle in with their chirps and purrs... .  she is alone by herself. Cold, separate and shunned.

Chickens are smart. 

Love this analogy!  Analogies always make better sense to me than anything - so - THANK YOU! 

[Suzn]

Gets attention, gets help, gets to be looked after.

Would it surprise you to know that a sign of emotional maturity is the ability to receive? (as well as give) Everyone needs attention, getting help and to feel looked after. Even if it's by us. These are normal desires.

Accountability is a big plus in emotional maturity too. You're on the right track mango. What do you think your strengths in EM are? What would you say your weaknesses in EM are? Besides wanting to be a brat. 

[P.F.Change]

  I try to treat others how I'd like to be treated.

Ah, the Golden Rule.

Personally, I like it better in the negative, ":)on't treat anyone in a way you wouldn't want to be treated." And here's why: Some people misunderstand it as written; it can be interpreted as, "If I treat other people the way I need to be treated, they will reciprocate, and that is how I can get my needs met." If I want to be treated in a certain way, and give that treatment to others expecting them to do "their part" and mirror that behavior back to me I am essentially trying to control them. I will be frustrated when they don't do what I am trying to get them to do.

Tell me if I'm wrong... .  but I hear you saying, "I give and give and give, but no one gives back to me!" Does that sound accurate? It is important to find a balance... .  to give to others what *they* need when we are willing and able , while communicating when we need something from someone else. Being a Giver who doesn't also acknowledge and take care of his own needs will not attract other selfless Givers; it will attract Takers, as you have already seen.

You say you need attention, you need to be looked after. Nothing wrong with that! How can you see to meeting those needs? Can you give to yourself?

Wishing you peace,

PF