Why I don't want to go back

[healingmyheart]

The ":)ARK SIDE" list

1)  Lied about emotional affairs

2)  Had emotional affairs

3)  :)eceived me about emotional affairs

4)  Controlled me and ultimately took away my confidence

5)  Extreme jealousy

6)  Manipulated me

7)  Verbal Abuse to me

8)  Verbal Abuse to my daughter... .  the worst thing he could of done and main reason I

    left

9)  Lived in MY house and did not contribute to finances... .  

10)Selfish lover in that he never asked about my needs and it was all about HIM

11)Raged and vented that rage at me

12)Never did anything around the house to help me maintain it... .  always about doing

   his extracurricular activities

13)Selfish

14)Placed blame on me when things were truly his fault

15)Made me feel that I was never good enough


I encourage any one else so inclined to add their list to help remind them of why they don't need to go back.  I call it my DARK SIDE list because before I knew about BPD, I just thought he had a Dark side... .  didn't have a name for it yet.  There are more things I could list... .  I could probably go on indefinitely but I just wanted to highlight the most important ones.  Its good to see it in black and white... .  makes it more real for me.

[mango_flower]

My list is called "dark deeds"

1. I BELIEVE she lied about things, as her stories weren't the same as other peoples (have no proof 100%)

2. Left me in a highly emotional state, crying and pleading one night for her not to leave - she got up and went to stay in a hotel away from me (I have never been like that before, and never will again!)

3. Shouted at me that I probably had an STI as I was cheating on her with my ex (I wasn't)

4. Left me to pay all the bills and her half of the rent - just walked out of the contract

5. Told me she had stuff to do and couldn't come home one weekend (I was away at my Mums) - and she DID come home to get her stuff but didn't tell me (I only noticed as something had been moved)

6. Would sneak back and take stuff but not tell me she'd been back to our house

7. Our sex toys suddenly disappeared from our house (I believe she had taken them to her new girlfriends - gross, right?)

8. Told me she was going to a certain town with a friend - yet later it emerged she had taken a trip to ANOTHER town, which is where her new girlfriend just happened to live (apparently they were just friends at this point, yeah right)

9. Didn't bother to look after her pet - just swanned off and left me to take care of it

10. Went through my phone and found my texts to my best friend (says she was just setting my alarm for me, and I'd left it on the screen)

11. Ruined my birthday night by being sulky and sullen and spending all her time texting/facebooking her new girlfriend at the time (still just a friend at this point, hmmm)

12. Hid her debts from me, saying she'd open letters later and when I pressured her to open them, she pretended she had never seen them before

13. Would take early morning phonecalls outside, in her car, making out they were from work... .  at 5am?  (and her new gf just happened to be on the opposite side of the world, which would make it a good time difference to call)

I deserve better!

I WISH she had done these things THROUGHOUT our relationship though and not just as we were at that weird stage where we both knew the dumping was inevitable, but officially neither of us had said anything... .  then I'd feel justified at being angry. But some of this stuff she did shortly after we had the official talk that it was over.

So actually she technically did nothing "wrong" or broke any relationship rules - BUT - there is a human decency and respect rule, about the correct way to treat others and not to hurt them... .  and she clearly didn't get that memo.

*sigh*

We both deserve better, Stolemysoul.

Hang on to those words on your list.

The sad thing is that if I were to write a list of amazing and good things, it would be 1000 times longer... .  so I'm not going to do that!  Hehe... .  I will just focus on what is here and try and remember that.  And remind myself that her new gf will one day possibly have to go through all of it when/if she moves on to her new replacement... .  

[healingmyheart]

Using your sex toys with new girlfriend... .  get out of here... .  unbelievable!

Actually,  my ex had hundreds of dollars wrapped up in our sex toys... .  when he left, I gladly boxed them up (well, all but one  ) for I never wanted to see them again.

Yes, if we were to make a "good" list it would be longer but the impact of the things on the bad list are what matters... .  the bad is really BAD and not something we can and should tolerate... .  enough said! 

Thank you for sharing your list mango flower...

[healingmyheart]

Omg, how could I forget Lack of empathy... .  that's a big one!

[real lady]

The ":)ARK SIDE" list

Its good to see it in black and white... .  makes it more real for me.

GREAT idea... .  it is so easy to "selectively forget" ALL THE BAD and HURTFUL behavior of a pwBPD and "highlight" their (few) good qualities.

1-Broke promises, denied that he made them and then blamed ME for not keeping them as "I was disrespectful to him", etc... .  

2-Narcissistic; thinks ONLY of himself UNLESS a gentle plea or "need" is expressed in a non threatening manner.

3-THOUGHTLESS... .  acts without thought to consequences. SAYS HORRIBLY HURTFUL THINGS that I will NEVER forget.

4-IS SEVERLY BPD... .  can't even carry on a simple, non emotional conversation of more than 10 lines (repartee) back and forth

5-USES his "intelligence" to feel good about himself and calls ME stupid.  

6-HAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE of ME by lying and speaking things to my son that he should NOT be privy to.

7-Irresponsible with money yet criticizes MY spending (frugal to the max)

8-Is OCD with "things" in the house and puts them before relationships

9-THREATENED and YELLED for me to "GET the F out of his house"

10- Acted like a child when I called his bluff to leave and did not push me out again... .  next time I will leave FOR GOOD and I think he knows that now.

Yes, if we were to make a "good" list it would be longer but the impact of the things on the bad list are what matters... .  the bad is really BAD and not something we can and should tolerate... . enough said.

TOTALLY AGREE with you ((stolemysoul)) Good for you hon... .   I think it is best that we DO NOT focus on the good... .  if the BAD is SO BAD then there is NO amount of "good" that I can think of that would "make it worth it to stay"... .  NOTHING... .  

[healingmyheart]

OK, I was going to make my short short and sweet but I've got to also add

Narcissistic traits and

OCD which drove me crazy.

I think that puts me at 18 ":)ark Side" elements... .  there's a lot more but these are the big ones.

[Newton]

stolemysoul ... .  this is very cathartic healing behaviour 

It's all too easy to focus on what we miss rather than what we fear... .  

good job    

[Tired of it]

The most recent episode as I have mentioned before was my ex asking me to "please stop emailing her" only for her to email me asking to hang out three weeks later.  I did and then a few days later she came around and we were intimate.  I found out she lied about not being single, and not proud to say, I informed the guy and then asked her sister what was up with her lying.  Needless to say she got pissed at me.  My question is this.  Does she know she is wrong despite her "front"?  Despite her getting mad at me for telling the truth about her deceit, do BPDs at some point during a moment when they are by themselves know that they are wrong, even if they don't admit it.  I don't care if she thinks about me or not, but is that something they would do?

Also, after this process of us being intimate I asked her if she really loves me (after standing me up on that weekend after asking me to promise to see her).  She said yes but needed time.  During this time I hear she doesn't want to rush into a relationship and that she feels like i'm rushing her and then to see that this guy pops up on her mom's friends list on FB who was previously on her sisters FB before not being there anymore.  I'm at odds on if I had given her time would she have come back around or just played us both.  Now there is nothing at all and won't be.  I'm just wondering if I am at fault.  If I would have just waited and not said a single word and let her come to me, even after standing me up, would her mindset have led her to come back or was I just someone in the interim of her and that guy mending things?

[stevenq]

i carry my list on my person just to remind me on a daily basis.

[sad but wiser]

2?.  Talked to me late into the night about vague problems that had no solution with no consideration for the fact that I had work the next morning, then let me know the next day that he had slept in because he was so tired.

2? Carried on monologues for hours that he required me to listen to about his problems that I caused.

[LuckyEscapee]

You all covered most of mine 

awww and now I don't feel special 

Sometimes people write stuff on this forum that is uncanny!

[GreenMango]

It's all too easy to focus on what we miss rather than what we fear... .  

This brings up a good point.  What we fear.

Only waxing nostalgic on good stuff definitely allowed me to say things like:

Oh maybe its not that bad

Itll be different this time

Blah

Blah

Blah

But there were some very real fears I had the longer this went on:

This would be my life

Chaos would be normal and I wouldn't know it wasn't anymore

My kids would suffer

I would be unhappy-I was already unhappy and it was getting worse.

What were your fears?

[Newton]

The pain we bring to this website often focuses on what we feel we have lost... .  we cling to the futile notion that we could perhaps return to the idealization... .  and the realization that this cannot happen brings even more pain... .  

Ater that our healing can begin... .  

My fears were that I would not find someone so physically attractive again (its a great ego boost to have a fit partner on your arm)...

I feared not being good enough to save the relationship... .  and my ex's life (major codependency).

Lots of us feared telling our friends and family about what we were going through... .  we knew how negative their reaction would be... .  and we feared losing the "bond" with our partners as a result... .  

Essentially I believe this comes down to our self esteem... .  either through codependency, or vulnerable narcissism we want to create a better situation,... .  to shape another person into something they probably can never be.

We tolerate behaviour that with hindsight is frankly ridiculous... .  but we cannot see that in the FOG.

As our self esteem improves... .  we expect more... .  and they can't deliver.


"better ther devil you know"... .  is what allowed me to stay for so long... .  too long.  My fears kept me in that place.

Until we develop our self esteem to a place where we feel and think we DESERVE better (or for some poor members here their fear of another physical attack pushes them into survival mode)... .  we will maintain the hope that things will improve... .  

Understanding how bad things are/were... .  and balancing that with what we thought we wanted (often false hopes) versus what we actually DESERVE... .  is where our sanity lies ... .  just my two cents... .  

[LoveNotWar]

Because, in addition to being diagnosed with BPD, my ex also had a TBI he was impulsively violent. The violence escalated with each event and my biggest fear was he would kill me.

I was so determined to help my ex by shaping my own behavior that I lost my own purpose for life and focused on him. I literally wanted to make our marriage work or die trying.

[Discarded26]

So my list goes :-

Abandoned me

Broke my heart

Told little lies (that I know of, could of been ALOT more lies)

Used me

Emotionally lied to me

Partly controlling when come to other men

Selfish

Couldn't be bothered with me (after the idolized stage)

I was always last of his priority's, other things was always more important (after the idolized stage)

He didn't trust me

Made me feel worthless and insecure and that I was nothing

Made me feel upset

All I can think of so far 


Also today is a reflective mood 

Would of been a year today met up with the ex, after months and months of the idolizing stage  , finally gave in and met up with him again.

Bet he doesn't even remember or care

But that's life I suppose. Just have to keep looking forward and upwards

[goldylamont]

My fears were that I would not find someone so physically attractive again (its a great ego boost to have a fit partner on your arm)...

We tolerate behaviour that with hindsight is frankly ridiculous... .  but we cannot see that in the FOG.

yup, that's really the main fear of mine that i've distilled things down to--that i may never find someone quite that attractive again. it embarrasses me to say it, that's how i know it's true. honestly though if that is all this person has going for them then what are they really worth? at some point you have to take responsibility for the way you act... .  and grow up, you're an adult. get over your past already. you have a great family and lots of support and you still cry like a 4 year old and act like everything is so terrible. we have GREAT lives! shut it up and smile more. quit being a love vampire, you're not as powerful as you think once all the lies catch up to you... paper thin.

oh, sorry let's try some numbering:

1) ungrateful ass little girl can't make it on her own and instead of listening to others with wisdom that could help her use her talents to sustain herself she views any type of guidance (not just from me, from family... anybody) as some sort of power trip. you know all the answers do you? then why are you broke and hate men b/c you can't do it on your own? ok, so my #1 is have more respect for your elders, your family, your friends and your lovers. and have some more damn respect for yourself

2) stop recording people and instigating them to try and get them to say angry things while you are recording them. what the hell is wrong with you?

3) you're not claire daines, she can actually act. who do you think you're fooling with the whole b/s "i'm scared you're going to hurt me and my ptsd" act? falsely accusing non-violent people that you think they might get violent, just so that you can smile and 'win' the argument is going way too far. do you realize how hurtful it is to be accused of that over and over and then find out it was for your amusement?

4) quit lying. small/big i don't even know. i don't even want to know. but that's Insecurity at it's finest. your not comfortable with you or your situation, but that's your fault. quit lying to everyone b/c you hate who you are.

any and everything can be forgiven, just grow up and take some responsibility. sad that you can't see there would be so much happiness in accepting yourself if you did.

[j4c]

A BAD List dedicated to my uexBPDgf you ask?

Ok heres a few ways to describe a certain girl I once loved... .  

Controlling, selfish, narcissistic, superficial, ungrateful, irrational, hyper-sensitive, has no empathy, no conscience, a user, emotionally abusive, rude, offensive, self-absorbed, paranoid, nasty, fake, spiteful, aggressive, verbally abusive, full of anger, illogical, desperate, ruthless, devious, weird, sociopathic, sadistic(i think), entitled, reality twister, a projector, emotionally immature, heartless!

And now her GOOD List... .  

Gorgeous face. 

[honesty2013]

thank you so much for posting. Your situation is completely IDENTICAL with the exception of my exBPDgf and I dated for 8 months.

It is the absolute worst feeling to break it off with someone that you care for so deeply but know, regardless of what attempts we make, or what changes or adaptions we commit to, they will never be what you and I need. I commend you, b/c I know how difficult it is, however if we do not weed the bad people out now, we will miss the right ones when they come our way.

My T have me these quotes to use everytime i start to think about her or comtemplating contacting her. They have worked for me, and perhaps can work for you if you are contemplating reaching out

" In this moment, i choose to value myself more than I value the other person"

"Confrontation cannot continue without your participation"

"Letting go is the natural release that follows the realization that holding on hurts"

[koroido]

1). Having sex with a practical stranger in a parking lot

2). Blaming it on me

3). Claiming that this stranger is the love of her life because she dreamed about him when she was a little girl.

4). Never showing any remorse or even asking for forgiveness

5). Telling me she wants a divorce because we don't match... .  when asked to explain she said "because you're evil and messed up and I am not".

6). Accusing me of being emotionally abusive when I stand my ground

7). Counselor (years ago) instructed us to do an exercise because w claimed I was incapable of expressing feelings and even worse at being empathetic. So, I was supposed to share feelings and she was supposed to display empathy. Stupidly, I shared how our diminishing sex life was making me feel... .  her empathetic response was to accuse me of raping her some years earlier.

8). Zero empathy... .  only engages when its all about her

9). Finds out that alimony and wealth division are not going to get her what she thought and she gets very sweet and asks why we can't be more friendly... .  meanwhile she's bad mouthed me to our entire community calling me a terrible husband and father.

10). Accusses me of being a violent person because I once slammed a door.

11). Everything is my fault... .  everything. period. She is the Uber victim.

12). Insists that sticking around and "tolerating" me (irrespective of the critisisms, abuse and coldness) was a valiant effort on her part to save our marriage. (Her words).

Oh... .  I have more.

[Peterpan]

Here goes... .  


Pathological liar, small ones and massive ones

Projection,constantly

Right of entitlement,to my phone, purse, etc.

Contradictions,constantly

Hypersexual,constantly

Can't manage 'real' sex though!

Mood switches on a dime

Suspicious of people's motives

Stalker

Obsessive

Passive aggressive

Talks in baby language

Childish ways

Manipulative

Crazy mind games

Gaslighter

Bad mouths people, then sweet to them in person

Robotic... .  sexually

Terrible memory

Repeats things (forgets what he said)

Impulsive (especially touching inappropriately)

Twists things around

Hot and cold (best mate one minute, gorgeous lover the next)

Serial cheat (more than one at a time)

Good actor,puts on a convincing show, especially when denying things

Overly habitual,,prob OCD in there somewhere

Binge eater

Fishes for compliments constantly

Very predictable to the minute

Impulsive spender, especially for gadgets

Never has any money, except prob everyone else's!

Does not like authority at all

Jealous of other people's posessions, jobs, etc

Premeditating (sets you up for trouble)

Uses scenarios against me

Blames everyone else for things he did himself

Brags about his 'new toys'

constant internet surfer

Reckless driving (needs new shocks on his car at least once a year)

All his exes have been 'head cases'

Clingy

Territorial

Uses nicknames for those close to him

then forgets your name and calls you 'Babe'

Thoughtless in his words,sometimes cruel

Only happy in long distant relationships

Now for the good one... .  

The first picture I took of him... .  he looks so different in it, his face is totally lit up, sincere smile, twinkly eyes, rosy cheeks.

He was mirroring himself from me on the other side of the camera, and of course had an obsession for me at the time!

[j4c]

Oh PeterPan - reading through your list has made me realise how many I missed off my Bad List and I was already on 30+!

No joke I could rustle up 100 major faults with my ex no problem. Pretty bad to say I was only with this woman for 5 months!

[sad but wiser]

Wow!  Yeah, I hated that.  I was NEVER called by my own name.  I was always ":)ear."  It was devaluing in the weirdest way.  You would think it would be nice, but it wasn't.  I didn't feel like a person, just an object to him that gave and gave.  It was like that was what I was supposed to be there for.

[gina louise]

wow.

if the rages and gas lighting and triangulating (read definition) weren't bad enough... .  then the lies-large and small... .  

Plus the immense amount of Blame and Projection would have killed my soul eventually. he acted like he hated me with all his being.

and actions speak louder than words, for him.

He's trying to "talk" to me now that my Dad died suddenly this week. I think he smells a weakness-so he's going to try to exploit it. Scary.

Not on MY watch!

I live over 2 hours away now. thank goodness.

GL

[sunrising]

My list is pretty much comprised of everyone else's lists, but I'll add 1 more I didn't notice here:

She was  socially awkward most of the time.  I'm the opposite.  You can put me in a room with 50 strangers and I'll come out with new friends.  It wasn't just "shy" either.  A shy person usually can't/ won't seduce nearly every man she comes in contact with.  I always felt like she was terrified people would want to talk with her.  Like she had so much to hide she couldn't even have casual conversation... .    I now know that's pretty much the truth.  It's very sad.  I'm not making this observation to be critical, I just recognize that managing her fear of normal social situations, which hampered my ability to act myself in them, wasn't something I enjoyed. 

[GreenMango]

I'm guessing there's quite a bit of shame and she feels there is quite a bit to hide.

[healingmyheart]

I'd like to add "inability to have an in-depth conversation".  :)id anyone else find that topics were usually pretty superficial and you found yourself having same ol' conversations over and over again and lots of "Love you, miss you, you're my soul mate, blah, blah, blah" which obviously was a facade.  I never felt like we really got "deep" so to speak which makes sense since secrecy is the name of the game with BPD.  My ex was a writer and the only way I could see through to his soul was through his writings... .  it's amazing what I learned about his true feelings through his poetry and stories.  

[sunrising]

I'm guessing there's quite a bit of shame and she feels there is quite a bit to hide.

I feel the same way, GM.  That's why I mentioned how sad it is and how I wasn't making the observation to be critical.  I just won't miss feeling like I had to manage that fear for her.  Particularly when we were within "my" social groups, I always felt like I had to "look after her" an inappropriate amount.  I now understand why that was way better than I did while I was in the r/s.  I will make it a point to choose a partner in the future who's comfortable in normal social situations because I now realize this is important to me.

I'd like to add "inability to have an in-depth conversation".  :)id anyone else find that topics were usually pretty superficial and you found yourself having same ol' conversations over and over again and lots of "Love you, miss you, you're my soul mate, blah, blah, blah" which obviously was a facade.  I never felt like we really got "deep" so to speak... .  

Yes, I think I very often mistakenly  took the "listening" look on her face as her being involved in the conversation.  She really didn't have much to say of any depth. And yes, again, on all the "love you", "miss you", "soul mate" talk... .  Her comments of this nature often came at such non-intimate and random times that it felt weird even at the time.   I now know that was her saying she needed to hear those things FROM ME, not that she was genuinely feeling them TOWARDS ME.   I've had other people say those kinds of things to me in appropriate context. I now generally recognize the difference and will be wary of "fake" attempts at intimacy in the future.

[sunrising]

Along the same lines as this "lack of depth in conversation", I've been wondering if anyone else experienced anything similar to this with their exwBPD:

Pretty much every time my exwBPD had a "breakdown", she would send me a somewhat lengthy (for her) text or email the next day.  At the time I mistook these messages for apologies, though I've read back through them and realized none of them contained an apology; rather expressions of shame.  They all had 2 things in common:

1) She would always make some reference to having written then while distracted with something else (ex: "I wrote this while I was getting ready for work, so it's probably all over the place"

2) They ALWAYS ended with "I have so much more to say to you, but I'd rather talk in person".  She NEVER, once, said anything else after the message.  

I now realize both of these were basically excuses for her inability to truly apologize, accept responsibility for her behavior, or even actually truly discuss what had happened.

I'm wondering if anyone else had similar experiences.  I now view this childish inability to speak with any depth as a huge  .

[real lady]

He's trying to *talk* to me now that my Dad died suddenly this week. I think he smells a weakness-so he's going to try to exploit it. Scary.

Not on MY watch.I live over 2 hours away now. thank goodness.GL

((GL)) SO SORRY for your loss... .  you are so right, the smell of weakness and they think that they may have an "in"... .  take good care of yourself and your family. Let him "fend" for himself. Sending hugs and comforting thoughts your way... .  

[goldylamont]

They all had 2 things in common:

1) She would always make some reference to having written then while distracted with something else (ex: "I wrote this while I was getting ready for work, so it's probably all over the place"

2) They ALWAYS ended with "I have so much more to say to you, but I'd rather talk in person".  She NEVER, once, said anything else after the message.  

I now realize both of these were basically excuses for her inability to truly apologize, accept responsibility for her behavior, or even actually truly discuss what had happened.

I'm wondering if anyone else had similar experiences.  I now view this childish inability to speak with any depth as a huge  .

it's pretty cool that you can have a record of interaction like this to look back on. i don't really have texts like these but can say that any disagreements or arguments were never really resolved. it would take all of my mental power to try to say things the right way or get to the bottom of how i was feeling or what was wrong--i now realize it was because i was trying to get her understand my view and not write it off. any time a discussion like this actually started revealing anything true about something wrong with her behavior, the normal thing for her to do would be to cut me off and walk off, basically calling me stupid. nothing would ever get resolved, when the issue came up again same thing. some issues never went away, but if i were to bring them up she'd frame things like i was an idiot, and why do i keep bringing up the same issues (um, b/c we never actually resolved it?). i was framed as an instigator and someone who focused on the negative. all BS.

We did maybe a couple months of couples therapy and she would use this against me--he always keeps bringing the same things up over and over, he won't let me end the conversation when i need space, he never takes the blame for anything (big projection on her part). these were all just tactics for her to feel superior. rather than discuss or take any responsibility she would put on the most disrespectful front and cut the conversation and storm off.

earlier in our relationship i believe she would try to unsettle me to get an emotional reaction so she could then shift away from the original issue to talk about how terrible i was (my reaction). i got smarter though and stopped reacting, no name calling, no yelling, so then the only thing she could do was try her best to get a rise out of me by walking off mid-sentence as if i was the dumbest person on earth

[clairedair]

Along the same lines as this "lack of depth in conversation", I've been wondering if anyone else experienced anything similar to this with their exwBPD:

Pretty much every time my exwBPD had a "breakdown", she would send me a somewhat lengthy (for her) text or email the next day.  At the time I mistook these messages for apologies, though I've read back through them and realized none of them contained an apology; rather expressions of shame.  They all had 2 things in common:

1) She would always make some reference to having written then while distracted with something else (ex: "I wrote this while I was getting ready for work, so it's probably all over the place"

2) They ALWAYS ended with "I have so much more to say to you, but I'd rather talk in person".  She NEVER, once, said anything else after the message.  

I now realize both of these were basically excuses for her inability to truly apologize, accept responsibility for her behavior, or even actually truly discuss what had happened.

I'm wondering if anyone else had similar experiences.  I now view this childish inability to speak with any depth as a huge  .

Hi sunrising

yes - my latest example (of several) was an e-mail that was a reply to one I'd sent about kids so I opened it thinking it was an 'arrangement' e-mail.  It was an apology of sorts but my feeling after reading it was that it was something he'd felt he needed to write to feel better about himself.  There were also several references to my real/perceived flaws so I felt worse after reading it instead of better.  This came at a time when I wasn't sure if he'd left or not but he didn't take up any offer to meet so I realised that we had split again and he wasn't going to talk about it.  His apology actually ended with a comment about not needing a response (his way of saying - "don't discuss this, just let me apologise so I can move on without any guilt"?)

I actually wrote him a response but held off sending because part of me wanted to believe he had really examined himself and was going to make some changes.  I felt a response from me would have seemed invalidating and caused him distress.  But I am still angry and upset some time later - feeling 'silenced' - whilst he is 'happy' with someone else.

He apologises, appears to be genuinely sorry but then goes and does exactly what he apologised for.

One reason why I can't go back this time.

[Peterpan]

To all in the last few posts...

During the handful on short meetings with him, I obviously had lots of questions, the obvious one would always be" why aren't you ASKING me to see you or talk to you?" but I never asked it, I knew he would just change the subject to a totally different topic.

On one occasion, after not seeing him in person for weeks and all the usual, miss you's,love you's,can't wait to see and hold you's over and over again... .  I asked him "what's with all this back and forth behaviour?"

He answered with," I've been thinking of my daughter a lot, the one I never see" I allowed him to talk of her a little,,he cried,sobbed actually... .  held me, said,,"you are so beautiful, you break down my walls" I then said, "It's good that you can tell me"... .  so now,"what's with all the back and forth behaviour?",,needless to say, he changed the subject to another completely different topic!

About deep conversations... .  not even a chance... .  no point in even trying... .  sad that in the beginning he listened, talked, and made out he was very interested in my life, thoughts, values! Everyone we knew would say ,they saw us a a perfect couple, so alike.

A taker, but never a giver is another on my list, we talked a few times on the phone, I always had to push him, or directly ask him,,then he would text and say... .  yes... .  call me!

The only two times he ever called ME  were after there was some trouble with the other woman.

Yes, eighteen months of I love and miss you's... .  need to see your smile and hear your voice... .  need to hold you... .  constantly on  my mind... .  over and over again.

[v123uf4]

Wow... .  I was nodding my head when reading many of these.  I have been so happy since my divorce, and was just thinking the other day about how different things are now that I am in a healthy relationship.

Here are the first 10 reasons I could think of why I don't want to go back (and there are many more)... .  

1) Not allowing me to go out with friends, and threatening to kill himself when I made plans with friends

2) Accusing me of having an affair with every man or woman I talked to

3) Smashing my sex toys to pieces with a hammer

4) Constantly misplacing his wallet, keys etc and then calling me a “lousy excuse for a woman” when I didn't know where they were

5) Met a woman when we were at a bar with friends and he told her he loved her more than he loved me

6) Wanted to quit work and be a “stay at home husband”, and felt like I should get a second job to support that

7) Made comments about how other drivers should be put to death because they can’t drive as well as he can

8) Would wake me up by pinching my nose closed and putting his hand over my mouth so I gasped for air

9) Would go on a rampage telling me what a terrible person I was and then would want to have sex

10) Constantly accused me of being physically abusive after I play-punched him ONCE

[sad but wiser]

Man oh man, another stay at home husband!  No thanks!  Did he ever do the laundry, the shopping, the cooking, pay the bills, clean the toilet?  Mine blew jobs and interviews, never started the business we sank our extra money into and now wants permanent spousal support and a free house.  Talk about feeling entitled!