Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
April 27, 2024, 12:53:22 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
Cat Familiar
,
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel (Read 415 times)
afterdeath
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single...4 months post bpdex
Posts: 249
break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
«
on:
March 08, 2013, 01:52:47 PM »
The topic is more geared towards those who have been hurting for more than six months. If you are freshly wounded then I'm sorry but this might still help you and will help later in the future.
I read something lastnight, something about being a man, or, Manning up if you will, and I believe I'm about to turn a corner with this information. I'll paste the quote later when I get back but it basically boiled down to this one key attribute: be in control.
Be in control of yourself and don't give that up for anybody, don't let others control your emotions especially if they aren't even in your life any more.
I realized, I am the one keeping myself sad, she hasn't done anything since August to taunt me or make my life miserable, so why am I acting like she's still here torturing me and enjoying another man right in front of me when if anything she's done her best to hide it, possibly maybe to try and not hurt me further, unsure of the motive but in retrospect, she's done nothing wrong to me since August.
Again, if your wounds are fresh then you are justified in your mourning and grieving, but if you are a better part of a year at NC and haven't seen them, there's no reason to still be stuck. Be in control.
Blaming them for how we feel is stupid and immature and probably why we got replaced in the first place. I can finally start to see maybe she was right, maybe I had some problems that resulted in her doing what she did. I needed to mature emotionally, weird because I used to be so in control, I yield my power to beautiful women such as herself. Well, no more.
I'm remembering who I was, am, and what I strive to be. If anything I should thank her now for showing me I needed to grow.
we can make the choice to be happy or sad, the choice is ours alone. We need to stop looking for others to blame. They did hurt us, but if they are gone, there's no reason to continue to hurt ourselves and blame them.
I'm not sticking up for them or saying what they did was ok or healthy, but I believe its time we step up and take back control... . and accept reality.
Acceptance. Now grow and be in control.
Again this won't help fresh victims as much but to the war veterans here, its time to detach and realize YOU are the only reason, problem, and solution now. Its time we stop blaming BPD.
I'm seven months in and just now am starting to feel acceptance.
Do I miss her? Yes, dearly every day
Am I cured? No, but I am growing and putting the work in to make the necessary changes.
Was it BPD fault? No, I let this happen to myself, I need to forgive myself for letting it turn out this way.
I will be in control of myself, is time to step up and be a man.
Women it can apply to you too because its more about healthy boundaries and controlling your own emotions rather than letting every one else define you.
Let's take back control, no more excuses.
To those hurting, you'll get to this point when you're ready, keep working and fighting through the darkness, the light will appear soon enough.
Logged
Rose Tiger
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 2075
Re: break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
«
Reply #1 on:
March 08, 2013, 03:12:05 PM »
There was nothing like the pain of having the person I loved turn on me. Nothing comes close to that level of devastation. It's like getting hit in an accident. You didn't ask for another driver to ram into you. You did nothing to deserve it. But. It would be my responsibility to make sure I got medical treatment, I would have take responsibility for getting the car back in working condition. I would have to deal with medical bills, insurance, physical therapy if needed.
It's not my fault I got hit, it is my responsibility to get everything back in functional order. Might be on crutches for awhile... .
Logged
Maryiscontrary
Offline
Posts: 504
Re: break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
«
Reply #2 on:
March 08, 2013, 04:15:48 PM »
Really, reLy insightful. Thanks guys.
Logged
Newton
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1548
Re: break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
«
Reply #3 on:
March 08, 2013, 04:16:30 PM »
afterdeath
... . these are really important ideas you are exploring
We have all been through an emotional wringer... . but victimizing ourselves will promote and extend the amount of pain we need to suffer.
Accepting what we encountered, how it affected us and then taking responsibility for our own healing is essential... .
Others can assist... . but no one can do it for us... . I'm so pleased you are where you are right now
Logged
Maryiscontrary
Offline
Posts: 504
Re: break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
«
Reply #4 on:
March 08, 2013, 04:25:32 PM »
Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to value and protect your emotional real estate.
Logged
GustheDog
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 348
Re: break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
«
Reply #5 on:
March 08, 2013, 09:56:46 PM »
Quote from: Rose Tiger on March 08, 2013, 03:12:05 PM
There was nothing like the pain of having the person I loved turn on me. Nothing comes close to that level of devastation. It's like getting hit in an accident. You didn't ask for another driver to ram into you. You did nothing to deserve it. But. It would be my responsibility to make sure I got medical treatment, I would have take responsibility for getting the car back in working condition. I would have to deal with medical bills, insurance, physical therapy if needed.
It's not my fault I got hit, it is my responsibility to get everything back in functional order. Might be on crutches for awhile... .
This strikes the right balance in my view. Splendid metaphor.
My next vehicle shall be a tank.
Logged
afterdeath
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single...4 months post bpdex
Posts: 249
Re: break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
«
Reply #6 on:
March 11, 2013, 12:31:04 AM »
Sorry it took me so long to get the quote, I've been staying away from the boards but someone triggered me again today when they told me they saw the ex with her new "ugly boyfriend"... funny thing is, she never seems to have daughter anymore when seen. Not surprised as she always made me watch her or pawned her off to a family member... .
Anyway, here's the quote:
"I think there is a lot of confusion about the term “alpha male.” There are so many
people out there throwing the term around so loosely that many of us have
distorted its meaning.
So I want to just toss out the term completely.
Let’s just focus on the idea of displaying your masculinity.
The first thing that might pop into many of our heads when we think of the
idea of displaying masculinity is the meat head in the bar looking to take a swing
at the first guy that looks at his girl. Or some of us might have visions Michael
Phelps collecting his ninth gold medal. And others of us might imagine
masculinity to be a suave James Bond character effortlessly seducing the most
beautiful women in the bar.
But masculinity does not always have to be this massive display of showmanship.
In fact, often time, masculinity is best expressed in the subtle things we do. It is
silently conveyed with decisions we make. And it is ultimately defined by the way
we live our lives.
What are the qualities of masculinity that we can incorporate into our being?
“There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is ‘Where am I going?’
and the second is ‘Who will come with me?’ If you ever get these two questions in the
wrong order you are in trouble.”
The first thing a man needs to do in order to encapsulate the characteristics of
masculinity is to take full responsibility for his life.
Take full responsibility for your life
You must decide right now that you will be the sole determiner of how your life
pans out. This means that you no longer blame anyone or anything outside of
yourself for your success or failures. You have made a crystal clear decision of what
you want to achieve in life… and you take 100% full responsibility for achieving it.
Once you have taken this internal vow of full responsibility for your life it is time to
set boundaries for yourself. These boundaries will make up what many people refer
to as “integrity.” These boundaries will define your own behavior, and will also
define the behavior you are willing to tolerate in other people.
Set your personal boundaries
One of the most prominently displayed characteristics of a real man is the ability
to walk away from anyone or anything that compromises the boundaries that he
has set for himself.
Throughout life you will often run into people who will try to exert control over
you through the use of guilt, approval, sex, money, or shame… there is nothing
more powerfully masculine then to send the message to everyone around you that
you cannot be controlled.
This puts you in the position of being the person that other people revolve around…
rather than twisting your ideals, values, and goals for the first woman willing to
spread her legs for you. And this “willingness to walk away” radiates outward…
Ask yourself, “What am I not willing to tolerate in myself?”
Ask yourself, “What am I not willing to tolerate in those around me?
Show your sword without using it
When many men decide to set boundaries for themselves and define how their
life will go, they make the mistake of taking on a “me vs. the world” attitude.
Now that they’ve finally set boundaries for themselves they look for any opportunity
they can to enforce these boundaries through the use of sharp words… or brute force.
But this way “me vs. the world” attitude winds up having the opposite effect, and
instead makes the man look like a little boy unable to control his emotions.
Much more powerful is the man who is able to show his sword without using it.
This is the man who has such rock solid internal confidence that those around him
naturally back down without him having to use threats or violence to accomplish this.
The man may know that he can “take” the other guy… but instead he handles the situation
in a mature manner… allowing the other guy to save face.
Be “cool as hell” in a gun fight
Anybody can put on a mask of manliness and walk through life. And many times that
false mask will get you pretty far. But you can count on one thing… at some point in
your life you will be tested. And it will be at that point that your true colors will be
revealed.
I remember a few years back I knew a guy around campus who was dealing drugs.
This guy had the outward appearance of “being cool” and “alpha.” But when the day
came where the cops busted into his dorm room, that same guy cried like a girl, and
began ratting out everybody he knows.
Real men are able to control their emotions in every situation. When a real man catches
his woman cheating on him… he simply walks away and finds another one. He doesn’t
let the pain from the encounter send him into an emotional tailspin wounding him for life,
and making him permanently lose trust in women.
A real man is a rock in every situation.
And a real man handles himself the exact same way no matter who he is around. This
means that he is unaffected by beauty, class, wealth, or social privilege. He can intermingle
between any groups, and does not shift his values to do so.
Encourage and mentor others
A real man is so content and satisfied with own life that he does not feel threatened
by the success of others. In fact, a real man encourages the success of others and looks
for ways that he can help other men accomplish their goals.
You will find throughout life that many men who you initially think of as “real men” will
often reveal their true colors by trying to “hold down” other men who they feel as a threat
to their power.
Real men don’t feel threatened by anyone else’s success"
Thoughts?
Logged
Maryiscontrary
Offline
Posts: 504
Re: break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
«
Reply #7 on:
March 11, 2013, 08:26:19 AM »
Sounds like the prefect sexy guy type. Also, it seems like this would be attractive features for a woman as well.
I very much concur with the boundaries part. When you operate according to your values, and keep boundary crashers at a distance, wonderful things happen.
For instance, I feel like my feelings are more understood. well duh, I am only associating with emotionally intelligent people. Seriously, invalidating environments throw everything downstream way off whack. You feel terrible, and your reasoning is not as sharp.
Taking responsibility for one's feelings usually untimately means... . for people like us... . doing less work. if you are not carrying the scapegoating, gaslighting, and dumping, You are doing far less cognitive work. If you are relating better to your fellow man, then you have far less stress, and so you are doing less work.
When one is codependent, one is operating like an engine with a lot of sludge. Very inefficiently.
Logged
turtle
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: I am happily single -- live alone and love it.
Posts: 5313
Re: break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
«
Reply #8 on:
March 11, 2013, 09:02:16 AM »
Quote from: Maryiscontrary on March 11, 2013, 08:26:19 AM
I very much concur with the boundaries part. When you operate according to your values, and keep boundary crashers at a distance, wonderful things happen.
For instance, I feel like my feelings are more understood. well duh, I am only associating with emotionally intelligent people. Seriously,
invalidating environments throw everything downstream way off whack. You feel terrible, and your reasoning is not as sharp.
Taking responsibility for one's feelings usually untimately means... . for people like us... .
doing less work.
if you are not carrying the scapegoating, gaslighting, and dumping, You are doing far less cognitive work. If you are relating better to your fellow man, then you have far less stress, and so you are doing less work.
When one is codependent, one is operating like an engine with a lot of sludge. Very inefficiently.
Yes... . to ALL of what maryiscontrary said!
I have noticed that over the years, as I have become more grounded, centered, committed to my boundaries, and staying aware of exactly WHO is allowed to be around me... . my emotional life has gotten so much better. Even though my life circumstances may not be what I'd like them to be, I am still at peace most of the time. And... . I have now the energy to devote to dealing with my life circumstances because I am not tapped out from dealing with a tornado of dysfunction 24/7. And THAT... . is because
I
changed.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...