My worries about NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A lot of you say NC is best.  And logically, I agree.  I KNOW it's the best way.  But I have some beliefs that are getting me stuck.  And I wondered if anyone could challenge my thinking in any way if it's not right, as I don't feel like I know what is right anymore?

My ex was pretty much ignored by her family, particularly her Mum. They haven't spoken for years - she says it's because they were homophobic, but I'm not 100% sure if this was the whole truth.  I think there were other issues too.

When we were going through relationship problems, it ramped up her anger at her mother.  She started calling her, and her Mum would hang up the phone on her.  This escalated her anger, and she would get crazy... .  she'd shout down the phone "If you don't talk to me, I'll drive down there and you'll HAVE to talk to me!". She got worse and worse the more her mother ignored her.  She told me at this point she wanted to die, that she was worthless as her own mother didn't even care.  She told me she would love to kill herself as she didn't want to be in this painful world anymore.  And that if one of her friends hadn't killed himself as a teen, and she had seen what his family and friends went through, that she would have done it already.

I'm not really scared of her per se, she has never hurt me.  Until the last few weeks of our relationship, we never had a cross word between us.  Just so much love, tenderness, kindness. But it's like she has that monster within her. 

She doesn't remember much of it now, it was like she was in a different state of mind in those last few weeks of our relationship.  She told me  "If I had a gun, I would go and shoot my Mum right now".  I asked her about this later on and she said "Oh I just had so much anger, you know I'd never do that!  I would never hurt anyone!" (which I do believe is true, she wouldn't).

But when she's in that mindset, she has truly lost it.  And it scared me.

I don't want to incur this wrath.

She has been doing better, so I thought, and seems happier now, with her new life away from my town. The last few days she hasn't been getting what she wanted from me though, and I have been ignoring her emails etc, which are the passive-aggressive ones I have mentioned, aimed to hurt "e.g. "Are you really happy I am happy?  DO you want to know about my new life, or would it hurt you too much?".  Etc etc.  When I gave in and replied (as I could feel her getting angrier), saying I was fine and had moved on, and just didn't think back much anymore (yeah right!), she got REALLY angry and sent me that message saying that I had never cared and never loved her.

My own Mum is amazing with people, she just gets feelings on things and is usually right.  She feels she is losing it again and things are spinning out of control.

This makes me nervous.

When I don't hear from my ex for a few days, I start to relax.  I mean, she is moving on with her new life.  But then I usually get some form of contact.  And if I ignore her, or don't respond in the way I should (validating her), then I get the whole emotional blackmail "You promised we would be friends!" etc etc. 

No point telling her that friends would respect each other's space and time to heal - she genuinely doesn't get that.  But the contact HAS got less and less, so I felt it was working for us.  Like, low contact, rather than no contact. Taper it off gradually.

But I feel like she has a psychological hold over me still, and if she clicks her fingers, I jump.

I'm scared she will lose it again and drive down in a rage. I don't THINK this would happen but I am getting paranoid... .  

She gave her key back when she moved out, but who knows if she made a copy?  I can't change the locks as I live in rented accommodation and I have no money to do so anyway. Somebody who knows her from when we were together (but doesn't know how she is getting on now) said to me last night ":)oes she have a key?  I feel like she has a psychotic side and it worries me".  It scared me so much and put thoughts in my head.

So I feel like I have to "keep her sweet" in the hope that I eventually fade from her memory, the more she gets involved in her new life.  My friends say she will never leave me alone though.

She just makes me nervous, with her lack of control that I've seen at times.  I don't quite know what to do. 

Part of me thinks, if I just stay low contact, be polite and friendly, she'll be fine with that, and it will stop things escalating.  It was only when I started the ignoring of things, and not agreeing with everything she said, that she started getting angry to me.  Anger scares me.

[mango_flower]

A lot of you say NC is best.  And logically, I agree.  I KNOW it's the best way.  But I have some beliefs that are getting me stuck.  And I wondered if anyone could challenge my thinking in any way if it's not right, as I don't feel like I know what is right anymore?

My ex was pretty much ignored by her family, particularly her Mum. They haven't spoken for years - she says it's because they were homophobic, but I'm not 100% sure if this was the whole truth.  I think there were other issues too.

When we were going through relationship problems, it ramped up her anger at her mother.  She started calling her, and her Mum would hang up the phone on her.  This escalated her anger, and she would get crazy... .  she'd shout down the phone "If you don't talk to me, I'll drive down there and you'll HAVE to talk to me!". She got worse and worse the more her mother ignored her.  She told me at this point she wanted to die, that she was worthless as her own mother didn't even care.  She told me she would love to kill herself as she didn't want to be in this painful world anymore.  And that if one of her friends hadn't killed himself as a teen, and she had seen what his family and friends went through, that she would have done it already.

I'm not really scared of her per se, she has never hurt me.  Until the last few weeks of our relationship, we never had a cross word between us.  Just so much love, tenderness, kindness. But it's like she has that monster within her. 

She doesn't remember much of it now, it was like she was in a different state of mind in those last few weeks of our relationship.  She told me  "If I had a gun, I would go and shoot my Mum right now".  I asked her about this later on and she said "Oh I just had so much anger, you know I'd never do that!  I would never hurt anyone!" (which I do believe is true, she wouldn't).

But when she's in that mindset, she has truly lost it.  And it scared me.

I don't want to incur this wrath.

She has been doing better, so I thought, and seems happier now, with her new life away from my town. The last few days she hasn't been getting what she wanted from me though, and I have been ignoring her emails etc, which are the passive-aggressive ones I have mentioned, aimed to hurt "e.g. "Are you really happy I am happy?  DO you want to know about my new life, or would it hurt you too much?".  Etc etc.  When I gave in and replied (as I could feel her getting angrier), saying I was fine and had moved on, and just didn't think back much anymore (yeah right!), she got REALLY angry and sent me that message saying that I had never cared and never loved her.

My own Mum is amazing with people, she just gets feelings on things and is usually right.  She feels she is losing it again and things are spinning out of control.

This makes me nervous.

When I don't hear from my ex for a few days, I start to relax.  I mean, she is moving on with her new life.  But then I usually get some form of contact.  And if I ignore her, or don't respond in the way I should (validating her), then I get the whole emotional blackmail "You promised we would be friends!" etc etc. 

No point telling her that friends would respect each other's space and time to heal - she genuinely doesn't get that.  But the contact HAS got less and less, so I felt it was working for us.  Like, low contact, rather than no contact. Taper it off gradually.

But I feel like she has a psychological hold over me still, and if she clicks her fingers, I jump.

I'm scared she will lose it again and drive down in a rage. I don't THINK this would happen but I am getting paranoid... .  

She gave her key back when she moved out, but who knows if she made a copy?  I can't change the locks as I live in rented accommodation and I have no money to do so anyway. Somebody who knows her from when we were together (but doesn't know how she is getting on now) said to me last night ":)oes she have a key?  I feel like she has a psychotic side and it worries me".  It scared me so much and put thoughts in my head.

So I feel like I have to "keep her sweet" in the hope that I eventually fade from her memory, the more she gets involved in her new life.  My friends say she will never leave me alone though.

She just makes me nervous, with her lack of control that I've seen at times.  I don't quite know what to do. 

Part of me thinks, if I just stay low contact, be polite and friendly, she'll be fine with that, and it will stop things escalating.  It was only when I started the ignoring of things, and not agreeing with everything she said, that she started getting angry to me.  Anger scares me.

[Discarded26]

Mine left me a rude message last night. Unexpected or what

[mango_flower]

Mine left me a rude message last night. Unexpected or what

It's horrible being painted black, isn't it... .   

[Discarded26]

Mine left me a rude message last night. Unexpected or what

It's horrible being painted black, isn't it... .   

Yep. Esp as the message made no sense at all     

I give up, sort my head out, and BAM. Get a message

[HarmKrakow]

Mine left me a rude message last night. Unexpected or what

It's horrible being painted black, isn't it... .   

Yep. Esp as the message made no sense at all     

I give up, sort my head out, and BAM. Get a message

What sort of message mate?

[HarmKrakow]

@mango_flower, I think, from the openingspost you still think to much from HER perspective. It's all about her, what she does or what she could do, while the two of you are broken up. You post in regards of how you could act if she does A, B or C. Shouldnt it be that you do A, B or C nonregards of what she does, says or anything?

[Discarded26]

Mine left me a rude message last night. Unexpected or what

It's horrible being painted black, isn't it... .   

Yep. Esp as the message made no sense at all     

I give up, sort my head out, and BAM. Get a message

What sort of message mate?

It said... .  

You still being nso stubborn u aint talking> grow up

Like. wth? Makes NOO sense at all

Has to make himself the victim though 

[PM10]

Mango Flower,

I can relate to all that you say here.  My ex gets quite enraged when I try to go NC.  He has threatened many times to come to my house, or find me in public some where and cause a scene.  One time over a year ago he threatened to kill me.  He said he would cut off my head.  He is often making references to violence.  Jokes mostly, but MOST people don't make that kind of joke or threat. 

I have him blocked on FB, but a friend told me of a few of his recent statuses, saying things like he didn't understand why premeditated murder was so bad, when we are always told to think before we act.

Like you though, I do not think my ex would actually DO anything, but if he is in a rage and impulsive, well who knows?  So I have been staying in contact in hopes that he will move on and fade away.  Unfortunately, that does not seem to be happening.  He continues to rage at me.  He begs me to talk to him (via email) but then gets enraged that I "let us end".  I try to appease him the best I can, but he does not seem to be fading off.  I haven't even seen him in a year, except for one time in August when I saw him to tell him it was over in person because he was not getting it in emails.

Anyway, unfortunately I have no advice for you.  I can only say that the plan of having him just fade off is NOT working.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi Mango Flower (I am procrastinating on working today... .  ),



You pay taxes so police persons will come rushing to your door in the event your ex goes psychotic and arrives at your place wielding an ax. And, it doesn't cost much to change your locks, not much at all, given the peace of mind you'd get. Change your locks, and review how to dial emergency services should you need to.

Then block her A**!  In every way shape or form. Then you'll have NO idea what she's saying or doing, or what wedding event is being planned (catering, matching dresses or is one doing a suit, music, style of cake, dance theme), or if she even gets married. Once you go NC, it's not your problem anymore. It is a beautiful beautiful thing. You can throw yourself your own wedding (you are marrying happiness finally... .  okay... that didn't work so well, but you get the idea).

Before my last BPDex, I had a more psychotic ex. Really crazy, and dangerous. I did all I could to keep her placated, because I was afraid of her. And guess what? It made it worse, and she got even more crazy. It wasn't until I cut her off and got a restraining order that she finally just disappeared. It goes to show that you can't reason sweetly with a crazy person, so don't try.

All your efforts to stay in contact with her aren't achieving what you want. She's likely not going to pay you back anyway (my guess). Sorry about that, but you have to suck it up. Your being 'nice' isn't preventing her from going bat ___ on you, clearly.

So, yeah. It's a no win situation being in contact with them.

You know what to do.

 

[syz]

I responded to your other thread why NC is best.