my status: good and bad

[waitaminute]

I post here, mostly in response to people. But I want to sorta give my own status too.

Been 4 months NC. My brain seems wired to think back on the rs many many times during the day. Therapy once a week. Fog has lifted and I'm glad that she is gone. Trying to mend the broken heart of my ex wife who divorced me because if my long distance rs with BPD. I try to tell myself that I was faithful in that marriage because the BPD and I didn't have a sexual relationship till after my wife and I separated... .  not even "internet sex".

But I know that I failed my marriage. And the the chaos and horror that occured while my wife and I fought about the BPD took its toll. And I am left wondering if I can be trusted to be a good partner. Or will I just hurt my now exwife again. So I am really just treading water now and trying not to hurt anyone.

Even though I am over" the BPDgf, there is significant damage to my life. My finances are ruined. I have new addictions ( tobacco and gambling) that just started when I ended the rs 4 month's ago. My performance eval at work is at the "firing" level. And I haven't worked out for 6 months. I don't know how to fix all this stuff.

I feel so bad for those of you that have broken hearts and yearn for one good day with your BPDex. I know what a broken heart feels like. I hope you all find someone or yourself to fill the emptiness.

And I hope that I can pull my life together somehow.

I think of the ancient Greek tragedies by Sophocles in which the main character, generally a good guy, has some flaw that leads to his destruction. I hope that my life will have a different ending.

[Cumulus]

What heart breaking stories we have to tell. The disease doesn't just want the one person but reaches through them to wreak havoc in so many lives. Even though it sounds like there are many life changes you still want to make it seems from your posts that you have made some growth and changes all ready. Do you mind me asking what is the next issue that you want to tackle? Take care and I wish you a good week.

[Newton]

waitaminute... .  I am gonna shoot from the hip here... .  

I appreciate you didn't ask for advice... .  you are going to get it! 

Lose the gambling... .  NOW!... .  it could ruin you... .  simple

Keep the tobacco... .  for now... .  it's cheap and will get you through some bad times... .  temporarily.

Keep things simple... .  concentrate on work... .  it's a basic essential... .  do enough not to be fired... .  for now.

Work out... .  even if it is 3x10 push ups in the morning... .  it will help... .  MAKE yourself do it... .  allow yourself to feel tired and good after it... .  


You need to find a way to fill the emptiness I hear in you... .  

[waitaminute]

Cumulus,

The next big issue I want to tackle...

Well, Newton is pretty much on the mark. Gotta try to survive at work. Gotta be productive. I was actually a "Technical Fellow" at work until 2012, an aerospace engineer. My real desire is to convert my skills to be useful in the clean water, environmental engineering field. But, first things first... .  Being productive with what I'm doing now is number one. Just need to focus. But it's hard. Its like I acquired ADHD in the past couple years with the BPD rs. My therapist is aware of it and is just starting to address it.  And Newton's also right about the relative dangers of these two addictions. I get no real pleasure from gambling. But it's mind numbing and so like a drug, I do it several times a week, using all my disposable income plus a little more. Never gambled in my life before. I never win either. I'm lucky in some aspects of life. But not in gambling. Gotta get a grip on that one, I know.

Newton,

Thanks. You can see in my response to Cumulus, that I value your advice. I quit smoking 28 years ago when I met my now exwife. So yeah... .  If I smoke for another few months, I should be able quit again. Thanks for helping me prioritize.

[Li Po mem]

Thanks for such a helpful and encouraging post.