Maybe I'm Just Tired...

[laidee]

Well, I know i'm tired. Exhausted really. Stressed and fed-up. But suppress it and try to function as if nothing is wrong. But every once in awhile I feel like I'm at a breaking point and any second can snap. H mentioned to me last week about how depressed he's been and feels like such a failure and no good because he's fallen behind on so many bills. I try to be supportive, encourage him. Rarely now do I try to cover his expenses for him, however. I use to, but with a baby, I have to make sure money is set aside for her. So outside of encouraging him and letting him know that we'll get thru this, not much I can do. But he says I don't say things will get better or we'll get thru this anymore. I do... .  but not worth going back and forth over.

But his actions affect me soo much, and there's no point in mentioning it to him because frankly he can't do anything about it, and I don't want to depress him more. I work full-time, take care of our daughter 90% of the time (he has another residence... .  due to me putting him out for cheating), buy groceries, diapers, shoes, etc., pay daycare. When I say I barely make ends meet, I have really learned the art of stretching a dollar. Then there are his expenses that stress me because some are in my name. And because of this and his lack of paying on-time, my credit has been hit negatively. My good credit is why some things are in my name. Another thing to stress me. And he doesn't seem too concerned. I've mentioned before to him that he should give up his apartment so that's money saved. But his argument is that he doesn't want to break the lease and mess up his credit further. UM OKAY... .  so let's just mess mine up... .  yea that works. Now both us are screwed. Stress

So he splits his time at his apartment and home with family. This past week our daughter had been sick, so most nights I was up with her and even broke down crying one evening while feeding her dinner because she was refusing to eat and was crying. Stress. Saturday he returns to our home and what do you know... .  he's sick. And acts like a baby when he is. So now i'm taking care of a grown man and a baby. I'm naturally caring and ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but this weekend I could feel my anxiety level rise each time he opened his mouth. And then the things he said just made me want to cuss. It was such a beautiful day Saturday, I wanted to take our daughter to the park. He's like 'i don't get an invite?' In my mind there are so many smart remarks to say, but I chose to keep it civil and just remind him that he's sick (i think a stomach flu... .  not eating, weak, body aches). He says he still wants to go. Im thinking 'no, you're not going to ruin our fun by you being all moody and spreading your germs'. I tell him he needs to stay and rest and i'll check back in on him. Not even 10 min after we leave he's texting me saying how bad he feels. And if I don't respond quick enough he says 'oh i'm sorry... .  don't mean to bother you'. UGH... .  killing our fun.

Then Sunday... .  another beautiful day, after church I had planned on visiting family. But before I went, I checked in on him and he asked if i wanted to go to Walmart. I told him what my plan was and asked him what time. No response. Not wanting to deprive him of spending time with his daughter too, I decided to go home. When I get there he's just sitting on the sofa watching tv. And that is how the rest of my Sunday went. He barely budged. As time slips away, the sun sets, he finally says he's about to go to the store... .  while i was feeding our daughter. I explain to him that I thought we were going together and that's the reason why I came home. He starts watching tv again. By this time it's 8pm. Our daughter is getting fussy so I mention maybe I shouldn't go. But after a while she was running around again so i asked him if he mind getting her dressed so i could vacuuming up crumbs. He mumbled something about me saying I wasn't going and then said he'll get her dressed... .  but he never moved. So no Walmart.

This morning he got up when his alarm went off, mind you... .  he's still sick. I ask him if it was good idea for him to go to work since he was still sick. He said he had to go turn in some papers, and as he walked out the door mentioned something about how I kept switching back and forth about going to Walmart. Then he left. I feel like that was the my breaking point. My anxiety has been on high all day. Did really just get blamed for him not going? I feel like all the stresses of the week just came crashing down on me. I don't think mentally I can take much more.

He doesn't yell or anything but just his actions and subtle comments really get to me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

   wow!  I really sounds like you need a break!  Is there someone you can count on to watch the baby for a few hours so you can do something just for you? 

[united for now]

When we try to put other peoples needs ahead of ours own, stress is the result.

Can you explain what your thoughts were in sitting around waiting for him?

[laidee]

Rockylove -

I have family who can watch her sometimes. They helped out big time when she was much younger. I haven't asked them lately, but i really should. Thanks for the hug  

I really just want to sleep... .  no money for treating myself to anything else right now.

United -

I was really irritated waiting around for him. I feel like I always sacrifice myself and time for him. Well waiting for him. Lately I've been good at not waiting around for him. But at that moment i was just thinking 'i should have stuck with my original plan. Of course he's nut moving. Of course my evening is wasted'

[united for now]

So one part of you was irritated - yet you still stayed. That is what I'm curious about. What prevented you from going? What fears our concerns did you have?

[laidee]

So one part of you was irritated - yet you still stayed. That is what I'm curious about. What prevented you from going? What fears our concerns did you have?

I guess I was trying to maintain peace. Knowing that I left would give him grounds for getting upset, got back to saying I don't want him around or don't want to be around him and do stuff with him. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but knew how things would be.

[Auspicious]

So one part of you was irritated - yet you still stayed. That is what I'm curious about. What prevented you from going? What fears our concerns did you have?

I guess I was trying to maintain peace. Knowing that I left would give him grounds for getting upset, got back to saying I don't want him around or don't want to be around him and do stuff with him. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but knew how things would be.

Fear of him getting upset kept you waiting. But waiting was painful and unpleasant too.

[Rainey]

   I just wanted to reach out and say   I feel you pain, your frustration, and your need to lovingly drop kick him 

I'm starting to wonder do we change our perceptions? Our expectations? If we rid ourselves of expectations and live day to day with new eyes and open hearts will we be happy?

[laidee]

Auspicious -

I feel like it's a catch 22 with me. Until I learn to change my thinking, I'm going to feel miserable either way... .  thanks to FOG. It's easy to see, just hard to get thru.

Rainey -

A nice drop kick would be wonderful . I've lowered my expectations. I hope for better, but don't expect it. And what do you know, don't really get it either. Rare occasion does he surprise me with his behavior, but most times... .  I already know.

[Auspicious]

I feel like it's a catch 22 with me. Until I learn to change my thinking, I'm going to feel miserable either way... .  thanks to FOG. It's easy to see, just hard to get thru.

It is hard 

Many of us have benefited from seeing a therapist for ourselves, to help navigate through things.

[united for now]

Many of us want to "make things better" and "not get them upset", so we do things we hate or don't do things we like, all in an effort to keep the peace.

We get lost doing that though.

We lose essential parts of ourselves.

We build resentment because of what we are giving up.

Our resentment turns into anger... .  especially when our sacrifices aren't appreciated.

This is where many of us goof up.

We try to do more and more and more - for them - and we forget about our own needs. We push down our own desires.

Have you gone places/shopping on your own without him?

How did he react at those time?

How did you feel?

[laidee]

Sorry united - just seeing this.

I do most things without him now. There was a time where i would just sit around and continue to wait for him, but i've learned not to do that now. Especially for my daughter. When I'm gone, he'll text me a lot and it annoys me because it's taking away from my  joy and i start to feel guilty. I'm trying not to play into his constant neediness when 'he' needs it.

[Rockylove]

I'm starting to wonder do we change our perceptions? Our expectations? If we rid ourselves of expectations and live day to day with new eyes and open hearts will we be happy?

I've said this before, but I feel it's worth repeating.  Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed.  When we expect someone to act in a certain way and they don't, we feel badly (disappointed) but we have no way of controlling other's behaviors~~only our own.  It's natural to assume that someone will respond a certain way (ie: they sneeze, you say "bless you" they respond with "thank you" but not everyone will.  I know that's a simplistic example, but you can put anything in it's place.  Life becomes much simpler and more relaxing if we focus on what we are doing and stay true to our own values than to focus on what someone else's response may be. 

So, yes... . I believe that dropping the expectations and having an open heart does indeed make me happier.  Not that I am so enlightened that it's always like this for me... . after all, I'm human