How to disentangle?

[ForeverDad]

At first the cops seemed to think they were on a domestic disturbance call. It wasn't until the end of their visit they finally understood what was going on. They thought stbx and I were arguing or something. Then they figured out there wasn't an argument per se--just stbx thinking he could keep the business and property for free if he could get me arrested. The astonishment was evident on their faces. So maybe they didn't think of it as an actual "incident"?

I've experienced that.  When I had asked for a police report, all I got was a log sheet/chart for the officer's shift and on the line for my address the 'Resolved' column had a checkmark.  Of course by then I'm sure no one really remembered much of the details of the visit.

Can you ask for a report?  If you're ever going to get one, sooner is better, before the memories fade.  At the least, get the names of the officers who came out if you don't know them already.

I don't see a need to quickly attach the reports to the divorce case, it can wait for your attorney's advice.

[doubleAries]

I did ask for a report, and if there isn't one, one needs to be made.

I haven't actually hired this lawyer as my lawyer per se--have just been paying him a bit here and there for advice. He's expensive! Cheaper to just get advice.

So I'm thinking maybe I don't need to attach these things to the divorce filing--that might change the status of the filing. Unbelievably, it's still filed as "no kids, no asset disputes, don't want to appear". Which is fine--I'd still rather not go to court. But I did attach the agreement, and told the clerk "just in case".

I'm stupidly hoping it's just a waiting game. But I suppose I should know better. As it gets closer, stbx is even more likely to up the ante in his extinction burst. Lord knows what he'll dream up next. I am relieved to see that he does seem to be more stable now (for now).

[mamachelle]

doubleAries,

I swear my exBPDH, who is a truck driver, will be driving late at night and get triggered by a Billboard screaming for Father's rights, a radio call in talk show host, talking to a 'friend'- ... .   You never know. It sounds like your stbx is somewhat isolated from others due to his illness and bizarre behavior. I hope the sameness of what he is exposed to every day helps to keep his extinction burst within some predictable range.

I am sure by now, you have learned to see the signs when he is starting to spiral. It is a waiting game, and so far, pretty darn good.

I would hire the attorney. You mentioned $75 for his last bit of advice which would have cost me at least $425 I am sure. My bipolar boss is always trying to do his own legal work. He rewrites contracts, enters into agreements without attorneys reading them, handshake distribution deals... .   When they go bad, he ultimately has to hire attorneys... .   which cost him a lot more than if he had just paid the few hours to review the contracts or make them as the case may be.

Just a cautionary tale.

It is so wild to read the beginning of this post to now. Lots of good things have been put into motion.

mamachelle

[livednlearned]

Hi doubleAries,

I think mamachelle makes a really good point about hiring an L and not just taking advice. You may feel like you're saving money now, but advice is never, ever cheap when it comes to BPD and the courts. You are vulnerable right now and need to make sure you aren't making any colossal mistakes -- your ex is going to exploit even the most watertight legal arrangements, and by not having a good L make those agreements watertight, you will make it easier for your ex to find those loopholes.

My N/BPDx was ordered to refinance our house, which (8 months later) he did. But he only remortgaged the house, and did nothing about the subordinated home equity loan. I did a bunch of research and learned that if N/BPDx stuck me with the home equity loan, the judge would probably have ruled in my favor. But it would have cost thousands and thousands of dollars (and all that negative engagement + stress) to get to that point. Instead, I spent $$ on a real estate attorney who has been worth every penny. He made sure that N/BPD and the lending companies did everything correctly, and eliminated my risk entirely.