Hos holiday with ex & how to confront

[connect]

Hello all,

My boyfriend uBPD has arranged a holiday with his ex f-buddy and their children (arranged during a nc phase). He knows I am very hurt as she consistantly tries to break us up as she is in love with him. He triangulates us. The background is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195765.0

After constant rows about this I have decided to take myself out of the triangle and have not mentioned her for a week and a half and we have continued to spend lots of time together. Now I am in the situaton where I don't know what is happening ie - is he still going alone with her?  am I going too? ( ) or is he going alone? Its coming up in the next two weeks and much as I want to be out of the triangle I also need to know what's going on. The r/s feels quite false at the moment as the elephant in the room is being ignored. I did think that by taking myself out of the triangle he would come to his own conclusions. I also thought that I would then be able to choose how I react to whatever he freely decides to do. It would give me a good idea of whether this man can be trusted with my heart and feelings. Unfortunately he appears to be either burying his head in the sand (he doesnt want to upset her or me) or else he thinks it has been resolved in some way (probably by him thinking I have accepted his holiday with her)... .  

It's a boundary situation for me too, so very volatile.

How do you think I should approach having this conversation and stating my boundaries?

Thanks guys... .  :-)

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[Rockylove]

  connect~~I feel for you on this one.  It certainly would be difficult to accept as it sounds as though he wants to go away with this woman and no matter what you say or do, it's ultimately his decision.  Placing you in the position of making the decision is unfair to say the least. 

I read back over your initial post and the responses.  The one thing I can't seem to find is a clear and concise boundary.  What exactly is the boundary you've established?  The boundary is essentially for you... .  not him.  Unless you have a clear boundary, you cannot expect him to understand it.  Let me give you an example... .  

My bf and his son have stayed up all hours of the night for the past month (we're renovating our house and his son is helping) partying like teenagers making a huge mess and creating such a commotion that it wakes me in the middle of the night.  My 1st boundary is that I will not clean up the messes they leave because that is not my responsibility.  My 2nd boundary is not to be wakened in the night.  If they choose to stay up and party, I'll be spending the nights that his son is here at my friend's house so I can be rested for work in the morning.  I'm not asking my bf to change his behavior nor am I making threats.  Ultimatums are often challenged as they are too threatening and put people (even non-BPD's) on the defensive. 

At any rate... .  did you express a boundary in this, or did you just tell him that it's hurtful... .  because he most likely will not understand that. 

[yeeter]

Hi connect.

First, it's great that you recognize thisis triggering for you and will be a difficult task.  So some preparation and a structured approach is a good idea.  And be readyto just take a time out when you feel your own emotions boiling over (it's pretty likely to happen)

Maybe review DEaRMAN and SET, which might be useful delivery structures.

As I understand it, the biggest issue is that he is going on vacation with an ex lover.

It's his choice.  He is allowed (after all it's his life)

What will YOU do if he goes?

I know you care.  And can request that he not.  But if he does, what will you do?

Knowing the answer to this will make the communication easy.  That's the great thing about boundaries.  Once you have them really clearly defined for yourself, and own them, they become easier.  And you only need to tell him once.  Then if he violates, you just follow through... .  

[waverider]

How do you think I should approach having this conversation and stating my boundaries?

Less is more. You state you cant have a RS with 3 involved. If this happens you are done (if thats how you feel).  It is self explanatory, no need to soften it nor explain it. No trial periods, no negotiations or compromises.

[4now]

Hi there,

I have been following your story and I really feel for you.  I can relate, not to your exact situation, but to this type of situation.  I can hear the hurt  in what you write.  I would be peeved too!  However, I think looking at it as a confrontation will infuse the situation with a lot of volatility.  I have wanted to "confront" my uBPD h and usually I can only get out the first few words of my point and he totally shuts me down.  So the less is more advice would be especially helpful in this situation.  It seems it would be best for you to have a very clear boundary in place about this.  He does this, you do that. This is your best protection for yourself.

As far as needing to know, absolutely you need to know.  Just ask him.  Get your answer.  You have already decided what your boundary is, so then you state it and act on it.  

If you don't get a straight answer, well that itself is an answer.    


You can only go off of  what you know and what you have in front of you.  Base your decisions and opinions on the actions you can see clearly.  

I think when you really decide for yourself what your boundary is and that you will follow through, no matter what, you will feel much better (in a way).  It won't be easy, but you will feel empowered!

Good luck and keep us all posted!

[connect]

Hi everyone 

Thanks for your replies and advice. I will definately be taking heed of what you say.

The good news is that last night he approached me on the subject and said it has been eating him up and he wants to talk about what to do. We have decided this conversation will happen when we have lots of time this weekend - there will be no alcohol and no shouting and we will discuss it calmly.

The bad news is he has been withholding sex (he has been ill though but some of this is probably over egged)

Am still nervous as it is so volatile for us both.

So I will let you know how it goes... .  

Thanks

[elemental]

You are very much in the same type of situation I have been in.

Basically your partner is wanting to do something that is not congruent with a trusted and loving relationship.

He just wants to do what he feels like and if you are saying no, he begins to emotionally leverage you to scare you into compliance.

That he feels "troubled" and wants to talk is a sign of something. Think to yourself what you know of this man and base your expectations of what that conversation will be, in light of that.

From my own situation, I would personally be expecting the conversation to ramble around how he wants you to step it up and offer more trust and validate to him that it really is ok for him to go on vacation with his friend.

You expressions of discomfort are telling you something. I don't really like to say this, but this guy is kicking up a lot of fog speak and trying to get you to twist around your own instincts and perceptions and values for his benefit.  Crazy talk, crazy making.

 I am sorry, I know your heart has been in this, but the first person who you need to be taking care of here is YOU. Please.

[benny2]

I would tell him how you feel and that you do not want him to go. Tell him that he is setting unstability in the relationship because the tables could turn someday and you would expect then the same consideration from him. They never seem to think of those consequences and believe me when the tables turn, they don't like it.

[connect]

Hi there,

Here's my update. Am exhausted and have had 4 hours sleep. Was late for work, nearly crashed, went through a red light and left my handbag at his place... Crazy making is what this is.

Benny 2 - Yes - they don't like it when the tables are turned - he expects me to put up with behaviour that he would never accept from me.

Elemental - well -  thanks for your care - really appreciated  . From your guess at how the conversation went I can only assume that you were in the room with us... .  You got it spot on. It was what I expected to happen as well. We had the chat last night for hours. He was basically looking for permission from me to go on holiday with this other woman. He played the low "its for my child" card (and her children) I reminded him that if he were really thinking about his child he would be more interested in building a solid base relationship with me as a family life for his child long term rather then a week away with her and subsequently no relationship with me.  I set out my boundaries very clearly and waited for the backlash. I said if he chose to go away with her for a week then I would not be in the relationship on his return. I explained my reasons which were that it is unacceptable in a relationship and that this holiday girl who is in love with him will have no respect for my relationship with him. I also said that by accepting this treatment I am sending him a signal that he can treat also me with no respect.

He maintains that he still wants the holiday with her for his son, to have a laugh and have a week off.

As soon as I said I would leave him if this happened he completely focused on it and it triggered the "leave her before she leaves me" routine. He suggested that we end our relationship now and then he has the holiday in 2 weeks and we get back together after the holiday. What the heck.

We have left it unresolved at the moment. Will post more in a minute as computer playing up...

[connect]

contd... .  

He agreed that what he was asking of me was completely unacceptable and that he would dump me if I did the same thing. We have both had baggage to sort out to get in this relationship (I left my home for him) and he says he wants to draw a line under all of that but only AFTER the holiday. He also said at one point he ddnt believe I would leave him due to the holiday and assumed I would instead phone him every day on his trip. I told him to think again and there would be no phone calls as I wouldnt be chasing dead meat.

We kept the conversation calm and took turns talking with rules about no shouting and having breaks when needed etc.

He keeps saying this is for his son and I think that is so low. He also said he doesnt want me to control him and things are moving too fast.

He did say he was standing by his decision to go with her. I had initially been invited so I suggested me going as a way to stop the relationship ending. He did all he could to wiggle out of it (there may be no spaces on the site - I said lets go online and look now - he refused) he then admitted he didnt want me there because it would be too wierd going on holiday with two women that fancy him (nice that thats the category I fit in rather than girlfriend) He didnt want us to argue as it would ""spoil his holiday""

Talks are still ongoing and its been left as unresolved. This morning he apologised for his behaviour but didnt quantify in what capacity the apology was meant in.

I anticipate he will cancel us seeing each other tonight under the guise of him being too ill.

Wish me luck with this one.

[connect]

Just wanted to add...

He had said to me a month ago he would start to phase her out of his life (although the trip was booked at this point) he stopped seeing her so much on playdates an she went crazy at him and sent him abusive text messages. He managed this "phasing out for 2 weeks" now he sees her twice a week the same as before. He maintains that he wants the holiday with her and THEN he will phase her out. At one point (after I said I would leave him over this and he was trying to hurt me) he said that the bond of friendship with her (his ex f-buddy for goodness sake )  may be greater than the relationship bond with me. Really! You dont say! I hadnt noticed 

Seeing this all written down looks like someone else wrote it - not me - someone with no self esteem... what's happened to me.

I love him but he doesnt seem to be able to have a relationship. I feel so lost.

[yeeter]

Good luck connect!

Sounds like you are doing a great job at maintaining your boundaries, while managing the difficult conversation and not letting it escalate into raging.

(and just to state the obvious - breaking up, with the intent on getting back together in two weeks after seeing someone else, isnt exactly breaking up).

A great insight here:  "I love him but he doesnt seem to be able to have a relationship."

That sums up many of the relationships here.  And is accurate.  (and not necessarily how you would like it to be, but it still is the way it is)

Tough stuff - hang in there!  

[benny2]

I know what you mean connect. I have taken a look at myself and wondered what has happened to me. I have left relationships, even marriage for lesser issues. Even my kids have asked me, what kind of hold does he have on you. I can't answer that. Why do I keep letting him back in my life? Why do I panic when I fear something is not right? This is not me and when did I go? Mostly, how do I get myself back.

[arabella]

(and just to state the obvious - breaking up, with the intent on getting back together in two weeks after seeing someone else, isnt exactly breaking up).

I think this ^ is putting it mildly. It sounds like what he wants is to "break up" for the time he's on holiday so that he can do whatever he wants with this woman without feeling guilty - because, you know, you and he aren't together anymore. What? NO. I think that's even worse than not breaking up and him still going. It amazes me (although it doesn't surprise me) that he thinks this is a viable option.

And I want to chime in on congratulating you on sticking to your boundaries. You're doing a great job in a really tough situation! 

[connect]

Hello.

Thanks guys - its so supportive to speak to people who understand.

Yeeter -Thanks for what you said about boundaries - its good to hear and I agree that it's not a proper break up if he has a planned re-engagement date.

Benny2 - You are obviously feeling the same as me (I have been reading your post too) Today my friend also said to me "What hold does he have over you? I know you love him and that's a powerful thing but what are you getting out of this?" I also couldnt answer. This is where the addiction to the relationship comes in I suppose... .  

Arabella - Thanks for your encouragement too - I also think that the break up first, back together option (only on the table for a moment but he still said it) is a guilt free way of doing what he likes. He obviously thinks that there will be things going on he would have to hide from me on that trip. I dont believe he is sleeping with her but he has an inappropriate intimate relationship with her. He said to me "you think I should be building a family with you and not her and her children" so it shows he understands. Will write more in a minute...

[connect]

I left a very long term relationship (and my home) to be with him and it took me longer to do then he wanted. I did leave my home within the timescale we agreed but he says I took too long. This feels like punishment for that. I suggested this to him and he said maybe the holiday was some sort of punishment but he didnt know.

He also engineered a row before he went away on a stag do so it appears to be a pattern with him. I went away to a funeral for a night recently and he hated that - I kept in lots of contact due to his abandonment issues but he barely answered my messages and was cold when I came back. Yesterday he also made comments about why does anyone love him - this morning he is painting himself black and worthless I think so the withdrawal is on its way.

[elemental]

He is going to do this no matter what you say. His mind is working the way my BPD's mind works. They sort of work out in their heads some effed up twisted explanation that IF that explanation was healthy, would validate their hurtful actions.

Problem is, their explanation is not healthy thinking. He is not talking to you to work out a mutually acceptable course of actions, ie, healthy and loving intentions. He is trying to leverage your feelings for him and wear you down. Even putting you in the same category as her ( a girl who fanices him, rather than his girlfriend, glad you spotted that) and keep you off balance by telling you that you are not trusted, so HE has doubts and as HE has doubts and you haven't "proved" yourself, HE is all scared and doing things HE might not otherwise do.

God, I know the whole comedy routine.

I predict now he will "break up", go on his trip and when he comes back, he will try sucking you back in.

I know you are torn. Best advice I can give is the advice I should take: Let him go off on his vacation and while he is gone, use that time to emotionally detach and shift your life in a different direction where your own happiness and stability do not rely on him for any reason.

I am sorry, I know how confusing and hurtful it is. Boy do I.  

[connect]

Hey Elemental - I read your post and I though "wow - we must be going out with the same man!" Then I realised that in a BPD world there's every chance that we are 

So ours are mirror images of each other by all accounts. I saw mine for a few hours earlier. He starting admitting blame but then turned the conversation to MY faults and how he hasnt been able to "fully" trust me properly. He carefully explained that THAT is the rason that he has been forced to make this holiday decision and carry it through. My so called controlling issues came up. I explained my thoughts and boundaries again. He started ranting and then left the house. I just left him to that. He came back and insisted the holiday would go ahead so he can have fun and have a laugh and a week off. Detachment came to my rescue. I told him that he can do EXACTLY what he wants and see who he wants as I have no control over his actions. I said that I want to see how he acts with no guidence and prompting from me and I can judge our compatability on core values. I repeated he can do whatever he chooses to do. This took the wind out of his sails. He had no way of raging at me as he wanted - no-one to blame.

The shift then was as if he had "won" that is my only issue with this detachment process. He seems to think I have given in to this. He looked like he couldnt believe his luck actually. He tried to go back to normal with me but then raised the holiday again and said we still need to think about it. He said "I love living with you" I have left him for a couple of hours and will go back later. I will let him dig his own pit. I will let him have his holiday and I have no doubt that I will be a different person when he comes back and not available to him anymore - that is starting already, I can feel it.

I am not finishing with him now as I am giving him an opportunity to fully feel the duplicity/guilt of his actions without me to rage at and see if he does anything to change it. Also if our relationship ends I want it to be directly after the holiday so he gets the connection. My mind will not allow me to love him when he is away with this woman - it will switch off to him as this has happened to me before with other relationships (just earlier stages with them) Up until then I dont know how I will be but my concern for his feelings has diminished about 70% already. Sex is feeling pretty much off the agenda as does cooking him dinner and looking after him. I am out tonight and have arranged to go out with friends on Wednesday and Saturday night. He can do as he chooses and I can react how I choose.

[connect]

Morning,

Had a new bit of behaviour last night so need some pointers...

I went back there last night and he said "I'm sorry, she's a part of my life, I will phase her out after the holiday". Just sounded like hot air to me. He had a few glasses of wine and then started to get really upset saying "if I were you I would dump me too" and trying to touch and engage with me. He was literally hanging his head in shame and feeling the full force of what he had done. This is a good thing.

My attitude now is not to expect anything from him. I am present but detached and have stopped helping in his house and no cuddling. I am not being mean - I just don't feel like doing these things.

I am going to try to get him into see my T on Friday too.

So what behaviours can I expect now he is in full shame mode? I've not seen it before and would like to be ready... .  

Thanks!

[MaybeSo]

Ugh.

Try to stay detached from this.

Let him do whatever, don't get into twisty debates. Don't discuss for more than the 2 minutes it takes to restate your boundary.

The problem with the shame mode, is, you will likely be blamed for it. Possibly painted black. Bad mommy.  If not now, possibly later. You may be seen as the punitive parent forcing him to keep his hand out of the cookie jar. Sigh.

Honestly, it may be a good idea to have some distance regardless of what he ends up doing, certainly take some emotional distance. He may act like a 5 yr old. Make sure you are taking very good care of yourself. Stay away from 4 hour discussions. Nothing takes 4 hours, and it ends up wearing you down, like a POW interrogation. Really, try to keep it

short and simple, let him be responsible for his choices, the marathon talks make him feel

like you are a co creator in his poor decisions and his bad feelings.

[yeeter]

Ugh.

Try to stay detached from this.

Let him do whatever, don't get into twisty debates. Don't discuss for more than the 2 minutes it takes to restate your boundary.

The problem with the shame mode, is, you will likely be blamed for it. Possibly painted black. Bad mommy.  If not now, possibly later. You may be seen as the punitive parent forcing him to keep his hand out of the cookie jar. Sigh.

Honestly, it may be a good idea to have some distance regardless of what he ends up doing, certainly take some emotional distance. He may act like a 5 yr old. Make sure you are taking very good care of yourself. Stay away from 4 hour discussions. Nothing takes 4 hours, and it ends up wearing you down, like a POW interrogation. Really, try to keep it

short and simple, let him be responsible for his choices, the marathon talks make him feel

like you are a co creator in his poor decisions and his bad feelings.

Great advice. 

Its very possible he will start telling you things to get you to hang around.  On the one hand, he has been very up front about what he wants.  But as he realizes thats not going to get it for him, he may start behaving more covertly.  My guess is the shame part wont last indefinitely, and he may even at some point get angry at you for him not being able to get what he wants.

Dont participate in long drawn out dialog on it, because you have already stated your boundary.  Just live it.  He has to decide for himself what he will do.

Have you made a plan of action for when he does take the holiday with his friend?  (it sounds like this is still the expectation... .  ?)

In the meantime, take care of yourself!  Schedule a regular series of outings with friends, family, etc.  Sign up for a class, or some other activity with interaction with others.

[connect]

Hi,

Yesterday he literaly drove me to the end of my tether. I actually thought I was going insane.

Maybeso-Your advice is spot on and mirrors exactly how I have been trying to approach this. Also you were right about me being painted black after the shame mode. I aslo agree that me participating in the debates makes him think I am co-creator in his poor decisions.

Yeeter-Yes I dont want to engage in long debates and I havent got a plan of action yet but will work on that now.

So the update is that since "shame mode" he has been doing EVERYTHING he can to cause an arguement with me. He is goading me at every opportunity and being extremly moody. I have had three boats of this and as I knew what he was doing I refused to be drawn into a row or discuss the subject. This was again making him have to face his own demons and he didnt like it one little bit. I believe he wants us to have a huge row so that he can either a) Break up us up pre-holiday to alleviate his guilt or b) use the rows as justification for his bad decision. It was really hard for me though as I am so angry.

... .  will continue in a min as computer playing up... .  

[connect]

Yesterday was a bad day. He was raging at me in the morning - I didnt engage and was proud of myself. His friends came over and I overheard him telling them that he was going away for a week. I saw red - I was FURIOUS - I slammed a door (but luckily he didnt hear) I then had lots of stressful things of my own to sort out - money and a redundancy job situation and an interview. I also knew was seeing his "friend" for the afternoon with their children and he was very vague about his plans for the day when I asked him.

I saw him at the end of the day and he started provoking me. He said he didnt know if he wanted me to sleep there tonight as I kept him up too late. I flipped. He is lucky I am even TALKING to him at the moment. He should be doing everything to proove he loves me at the moment not telling me to sleep elsewhere.

As I had engaged in his row the gloves were off - he delivered the best bit of twisting I have ever heard. He got out his phone and googled something - he showed me - it was the definition of "emotional blackmail" He said THAT is what I am doing to him.

[connect]

I was distraught and crying. He said he would only continue to see me now if I promised that when he returns from his holiday I will still be his girlfriend and not finish the relationship as I had stated.

CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY S**T

Somehow I got out of directly answering this. I went out with a friend for the evening, came back and spent the night. I avoided any deep conversation with him.

Today I feel as if I have no emotions left in me (which is a relief). Yesterday he drove me to the edge. I was doubting my sanity.

He is trying to smash my boundary. I know however that it is my boundary and not his to destroy. The thing is that I am so mucked up now in my head. I dont want to lose him and I heard myself yesterday telling him that all I had ever done was love him and show him that, and I was almost begging him to let me stay the night. I disgusted myself.

Whatever happens though - however weak I feel now (I feel very weak and am doubting myself on this boundary) I do know that if he goes away with her that my view and trust  of him will be so damaged that I cant see myself coming back from it. But at the same time I am thinking that my boundary is now wrong but I also know that it isnt.

He says he will see my T tomorrow (but he keeps retracting that to goad me) so I really hope he will. Will keep it calm til then and see if she can get through to him. Last hope. I cant do it.

[Rockylove]

He said he would only continue to see me now if I promised that when he returns from his holiday I will still be his girlfriend and not finish the relationship as I had stated.

Talk about emotional blackmail!     I know it's difficult, but I'd encourage you to stick to your guns on the boundary~~you'll be personally empowered by it and feel better in the long run.

[yeeter]

He is trying to smash my boundary. I know however that it is my boundary and not his to destroy.

This says it all connect.   

I totally get how messed up your own thinking can be.  Read about FOG.

Then read about extinction bursts.  Thats what is happening.

And know:  THE BOUNDARY YOU HAVE SET IS A VERY REASONABLE AND FAIR ONE!

I just thought I would state that for you, as an unbiased outside third party (sometimes this helped me when my mind was muddled, for someone outside the situation to help ground me.

He is going to make you look like the 'bad guy' in all this.  At least to the people that will listen to his version (and there will be some, that is just reality).  Dont let it sway you.  Dont cave on the boundary - at this stage to do so would be damaging for all future boundaries (intermittent reinforcement!).  You have stated a very clear and rational boundary.  Live it!  As Rocky says, you will be personally empowered and feel better in the long run.

hugs and more hugs.  Really hard to get through the moment - read some of the stories here about others who have been faced with the exact same turning point.  It IS a turning point - the choice of continuing in an unfair and unbalance relationship which is unhealthy long term, or choosing a different path and only going forward 'if' the relationship can be a healthy one (not 'wishing' for it, but demanding it and being willing to walk away if its not - thus respecting yourself)

 

[MaybeSo]

Yup, I had a feeling he would go even more sideways; I unfortunately dealt with this stuff for a long time.

The boundary is perfectly reasonable.

He wants his cake and eat it, too. His need will be unreasonable, and very strong, similar to an addiction. This other woman provides mirroring that he needs like a drug, and you are taking it away, and threatening to take his main mirroring supply away, too. This is very deep, addictive, compulsive stuff. It won't just go away because you won a battle, or not.

I did this routine for 5 years with an otherwise very nice, high functioning, man. We co parented his two kids together. His need for mirroring with other women, whether old gf's or

someone new... .  was profound. It was like arguing with an alcoholic, but, your own ego gets

put in the blender cause it's not a bottle of booze, it's other women!

Unless you both have an agreed upon open relationship, his entitled and distorted thought

that his significant other will be ok with him leaving  to go on holiday with an ex gf or f-

buddy or any woman... .  is just nuts.

I don't know anyone who would be ok with that.

He has a right to do as he pleases. And, we all experience consequences to our decisions

and behaviors. The most natural consequence to his behavior... .  Is that you loose your

committed relationship if you aren't committed. This is just natural. Cause and affect.

What you have to decide is if you are really serious about your own reasonable boundary.

Boundaries aren't fun... .  they are hard work, but they are necessary if your own well being

and sanity and self respect are important to you... .  they should be! The more you debate with him, the more you telegraph that you arent totally sure about your boundary. The boundary

really isn't about him, it's about you. The hard part is taking care of ourselves when a

person sadly refuses to respect a reasonable boundary. Then we have our own internal

battle to fight, am I strong enough to risk grieving a loss ... .  Or is the risk of loss too great

and I refuse to grieve it, so I will lower the boundary to alleviate my suffering. The battle is really with you, not him. Fighting with him is a distraction.

If we lower the boundary on important issues, we don't really alleviate our suffering, we just temporarily defer it. This is a choice.  Its like taking out a very bad emotional loan... You will paying it back for a long, long time.  If you soften your boundary, he has every right to know that you will tolerate holidays with ex F buddies . You may just once a year have a break from your relationship with him while he holidays with her or the next gal.

Maybe that's okay in the larger scheme of things? Maybe there's enough good the rest of the year? It's a choice. Be in touch with your freedom to choose, no matter what.

Distance is needed here. He is spinning, this is his distorted thoughts playing out. Keep grounded in yourself. You can't fix him or control him, only yourself.

[4now]

I was distraught and crying. He said he would only continue to see me now if I promised that when he returns from his holiday I will still be his girlfriend and not finish the relationship as I had stated.

I just wanted to point out, which I am sure you realized, that this is control and manipulation.  He is trying to put himself in a one up position where he is in control.  How they manage to do this is beyond me.  They have special training or something.  It is SKILLFUL MANIPULATION.  Sometimes these are skills I wish I had (well, not really!). 

The thing is that I am so mucked up now in my head. I dont want to lose him and I heard myself yesterday telling him that all I had ever done was love him and show him that, and I was almost begging him to let me stay the night. I disgusted myself.

Please don't beat yourself up over this.  We, I'm sure, have all been there.   A lot of times you can't see what is happening and how you are being manipulated until you are a little out of the situation and your own head has time to clear.  I can't tell you the times when I have "begged" for something and he has been given all the power.  Then later I think about it when I am calm and I think, "hey, wait a minute."  Then when the issue isn't done for me, he doesn't understand because in the moment he thought he had "won."

I know it's been said before, but some space and detachment would do you some wonders here.  Do you live together?  It seems as though he is going to keep on you until you give in.  He wants to go on this vacation guilt free, you are correct there.  He will probably continue to push it and push it, as you have seen, until he gets what he wants.  A phase of just leaving him to it might be what is needed.  Maybe there would be time for him to figure out you are serious about this before he actually goes.  This could also give you some much needed time to clear your head and see what is happening and if it's worth it to you. 

I also wanted to point out, which it took me a long time to get here, being alone without an so couldn't be more lonely than being with an so who so blatantly disregards your needs.  There IS more to life than this! Sending you a big hug and loads of emotional support!

[arabella]

MaybeSo - that was probably the best description of how boundaries work that I've come across so far. It was what I needed to read. Thank you!

connect - emotional blackmail, huh? That is a classic example of projection. Wow. There's some great advice here and it sounds like you know what's going on - just keep being true to yourself! If you need to stay somewhere else for a few days to avoid the arguments, do that. He's desperate to make this your fault so the gaslighting is only going to escalate. Detach with love and remember - it is NOT YOU, it's him. 

[MaybeSo]

Yes, he is  the one doing the emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail works best... .  hell, any blackmail works best... .  when the person doing it knows or strongly suspects they have something on us.

If you partner knows or suspects you are unwilling to loose the relationship no matter what... .  

they are going to leverage that.  Why wouldn't they?  A kid would leverage that with a parent... .  and we are pretty much talking about the same dynamics here.

So... .  the only way it doens't work is when they don't have something on us.

That means... .  we need to be strong enough to back up the boundary if needed.  If we aren't, then yes, we are suseptible to emotional blackmail.  Think of him as a kid having a temper tantrum and a kids mentality, but with the sophistication of an adult  in terms of tactics and verbal pursuasion etc...  He's just a big kid trying to make something that isn't workable... .  work.  

A corrective expereince would likely do him some good.  I vote strongly for helping him to have a corrective expereince by maintaing your own boundary.  

But, I also understand that this stuff is super tuff to do.  

By the way, Connect... .  this has NOTHING at all to do with you being a good gf or worthy of love or anything of that nuture AT ALL.  You are all those things.  He is doing this because it's what he does... .  This has really nothing at all to do with you or your value as a partner to him  AT ALL.