Her words and actions don't match

[jaird]

Oh boy, did I get suckered in and crushed again. I had been texting and emailing and had a couple of short phone calls back and forth with my ex all week. We seemed to be on good terms, discussed sensitive issues, did not argue, and I know she has been reading up on BPD, though of course all our issues were "my fault".

It seems neither one of us can fully detach, and we both have some kind of love or fixation with the other. We discussed seeing each other. First I suggested it, and she was lukewarm. Then she suggested, but I was lukewarm. I wanted a plan for a relationship, not just a weekend.

She seemed to be feeling the same as me, could not detach, dreams about me, will love me forever, etc etc. So I suggested I move and get an apartment either near her, in her development, or move in with her-her choice. She seemed very happy and chose in her development, so I can have my son's visit me. This was all yesterday, Saturday. Tonight I was to tell my young adult son I was moving 1000 miles away (I already told the other son). And then we were supposed to talk on the phone the ex and I about the exact date I was coming down. She even said she would take time off from work. She told me to buy a one way ticket and stay with her as long as I needed to. She seemed quite happy, like old times.

I was a bit suspicious because she said she was going to a party for her two year old niece, and did not want to talk Saturday night, and then she did not want to text from the party, which was unusual. But I figured maybe she just needed some space, and maybe she needed to tell her new casual BF what was going on. So all I did last night was text her goodnight. I got no response. This morning I texted her again, and got no response. I emailed her then, and no response. E mailed her again, no response, called her, texted her, all no response.

Come to find out, the new BF lives very close to where the party for her niece was, and I suspect she spent the last night and today with him. I am guessing she discussed/confronted him with the news of me moving down, and used that as leverage to get him to commit more to her (further into her web if you will). And that was it. No responses from her. No explanation from her. Nothing.

I also found out that the new BF is 23 years younger than her-52 vs 29! And all this from a woman who always told me she did not care for younger men, or casual sex relationships, and she was all about our soulmate connection, our bonding, monogamy, and long term stuff.

Oh I am such a fool! LOL, I have to laugh because it would hurt more to cry, SMH!

[Clearmind]

You certainly are not the first at bpdfamily.com to decide to stick their big toe back in to test the waters. Those waters bite and strangely enough you know that yet went forth anyway - its OK - we can learn from it.

Where to from here jaird? How do you plan to move forward?

[jaird]

You certainly are not the first at bpdfamily.com to decide to stick their big toe back in to test the waters. Those waters bite and strangely enough you know that yet went forth anyway - its OK - we can learn from it.

Where to from here jaird? How do you plan to move forward?

Move forward? Well, without her, that's for sure!

[mssngpeces]

Jaird,

Words not matching actions was ALWAYS the case with my exBPD. Words are easy just like it is easy for them to do something on impulse. There is little to no responsibility for words in their mind and actions require energy they don't have. My advice would be not to move and uproot your life. I too struggled with the exact same thing. Thought about moving 1300 miles away and give up everything I had for this person but something deep inside me told me DON'T DO IT! I am very glad I didn't. Chances are things would have gotten tremendously worse and I would be an absolute wreck. BPDs LOVE to take you for everything you are worth. Your undying attention is never enough until you die. It's like an emotion ponzi scheme once they find their new victim. As in your case mine told me she never wanted to be with someone with a kid. What happened? The new guy she was cheating on me for months with and never mentioned anything then gaslighted and coldly left me for has a kid. They don't make any sense yet it makes perfect sense. They just need someone to give them what they need. It doesn't matter who ultimately.

[jaird]

Jaird,

Words not matching actions was ALWAYS the case with my exBPD. Words are easy just like it is easy for them to do something on impulse. There is little to no responsibility for words in their mind and actions require energy they don't have. My advice would be not to move and uproot your life. I too struggled with the exact same thing. Thought about moving 1300 miles away and give up everything I had for this person but something deep inside me told me DON'T DO IT! I am very glad I didn't. Chances are things would have gotten tremendously worse and I would be an absolute wreck. BPDs LOVE to take you for everything you are worth. Your undying attention is never enough until you die. It's like an emotion ponzi scheme once they find their new victim. As in your case mine told me she never wanted to be with someone with a kid. What happened? The new guy she was cheating on me for months with and never mentioned anything then gaslighted and coldly left me for has a kid. They don't make any sense yet it makes perfect sense. They just need someone to give them what they need. It doesn't matter who ultimately.

Yes, I see how it is often take, take take with them. If a person does not supply whatever it is they need quickly enough, they are gone. The next person could be a serial killer, and the complete opposite of the ex they loved, but if that next person has whatever quality the first one could not provide, they are golden in the pwBPDs eyes, at least for a while.

My ex is quite confused now. Obviously not happy with her relationship, which sounds like a friend with benefit type thing, because she is in almost constant contact with me now. Yet she claims she is happy because he has no kids and is not in contact with his ex wife. She also claims that she is soo happy with all her family activities, and how she can come and go as she pleases, but she did all that when we were together and it was never a problem, I never complained. But, and this is a big but, in her eyes she could not enjoy her family activities or a dinner out with her GF because she was always thinking about me and obsessing over me. The way I see it, that's not my fault at all.

[mssngpeces]

It isn't your fault Jaird. A lot is not your fault. I struggle with thinking about my ex outside of this disorder but the disorder is always the thing that I am left with. You deserve better. I know how hard it is to leave this person. To feel like you are not caring for them. You can care for this person and not have them in your life and really you must care for yourself. I too struggled with the question "why"? Why doesn't this person care for me like I want them to. They can't. That is not your fault.

[jaird]

It isn't your fault Jaird. A lot is not your fault. I struggle with thinking about my ex outside of this disorder but the disorder is always the thing that I am left with. You deserve better. I know how hard it is to leave this person. To feel like you are not caring for them. You can care for this person and not have them in your life and really you must care for yourself. I too struggled with the question "why"? Why doesn't this person care for me like I want them to. They can't. That is not your fault.

You're right mssngpeces, she and I are very different as far as "caring". I can care for someone no matter what, relationship or no relationship. I will always want good for that person. She cannot do this. She can care when she wants the person in her life, but stop caring completely when she does not. She has even said she can "flip the switch", and turn off her feelings for someone.