Sets me up to fail, then takes credit for my success

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPD mother always sets me up to fail, then takes credit for my achievements when I have success in spite of her constant negativity. For instance, when I graduated from high school she immediately called a lot of relatives to tell them the good news even before I myself had the chance to tell them. What she didn’t tell them was that she was always terrorizing me and finding fault in everything I did. I would say that fault-finding is one of her favorite activities. No matter what I did or how well I did it, she would always have something negative to say. Growing up this really confused me and totally undermined my self-confidence. When I was in primary school I already noticed that she was very jealous of my achievements. I always got good grades but she didn’t like it and often said things like “You don’t have to think you know everything!” or “Don’t they teach you anything in school?”. Have any of you had similar experiences growing up? How did you deal with it at the time?

[Kwamina]

My uBPD mother always sets me up to fail, then takes credit for my achievements when I have success in spite of her constant negativity. For instance, when I graduated from high school she immediately called a lot of relatives to tell them the good news even before I myself had the chance to tell them. What she didn’t tell them was that she was always terrorizing me and finding fault in everything I did. I would say that fault-finding is one of her favorite activities. No matter what I did or how well I did it, she would always have something negative to say. Growing up this really confused me and totally undermined my self-confidence. When I was in primary school I already noticed that she was very jealous of my achievements. I always got good grades but she didn’t like it and often said things like “You don’t have to think you know everything!” or “Don’t they teach you anything in school?”. Have any of you had similar experiences growing up? How did you deal with it at the time?

[Santa Clara]

Hi!

I had something that was similar (although a bit back to front to your experience).

It was very important to my mother that I did well as school (she was a teacher at the school and I think my success was her cover up).  So, I did as she wished and worked very hard and did well at school.  The confusing thing was she would also tease me/ humiliate me for being a 'goody goody' and up tight as I was working toward fulfulling her goal for me.

As your mother did, when I did do well she would like to bask in the glory and admittedly this made me angry.

My mother wanted me to be an actress, so I went to drama school, but she wasn't happy about that because it was the 'wrong' drama school.  I think part of her feels rather ashamed that I haven't become a movie star.

I did everything to try to please but never could. 

Yes, I was also confused!  I understand where you are coming from.

[GeekyGirl]

My mother points out to people that I have a degree from a prestigious engineering school, but also loves to turn around and add that it took me an extra year to complete that degree. It used to infuriate me, because it seemed like she was undermining my accomplishment while bragging about it. She also uses it as an opportunity to point out that she's not a "geek" like me (as you can tell, I don't mind the label) to others.

I've learned to try to not read into her comments and realize that the people she's telling this to (mostly strangers) really don't care and don't make value judgements about me because of her comments. I remind myself that it's her insecurity that's behind those comments, not something wrong with me.

It takes some practice (and a lot of self-control ), but when your mother makes those comments, you can choose to not react to them.

[Clearmind]

It takes some practice (and a lot of self-control ), but when your mother makes those comments, you can choose to not react to them.

I agree!

As a child I recall many times my father saying to me "no wonder you are failing school" - I never failed school.

What helps in situations like this is to also remind yourself of your achievements - we need to build evidence/data so in times like these when we feel victimized by our parents we have the data/positive influence to draw on.

[healing_orlando]

Yes, my mother likes to ask me for advice on my field, only to bash me when she doesn't like the answer.  ":)idn't you go to school for 7 years to learn about this stuff?" she will say.  But then she brags about me to other people, making it sound like it's all her effort and dedication as a mother that resulted in my achievements.  When I first graduated, I was really excited about the prospect of getting this job that didn't pay much to start off, but that would give me valuable experience right away, and would also be a lot of fun.  When I told her about it, she made me cry for days when she raged at me about how disappointed she was that I would't be making as much money as others in my field and how disappointing that was for her.  I never took the job.

I read somewhere that children of BPD parents will either become under achievers or overachievers.  Underachievers give up at a young age because they get the feeling that nothing they do will ever be good enough, at a very young age.  So, why even try, right? those people will usually get into drugs and similar addictions to try and mask the pain.  The overachievers, on the other hand, make it a life crusade to prove they are worth it and capable despite the constant putting down from the parent.  My sister and I are in the latest category for sure.  Both of us are very successful in our fields, with doctorate degrees, published articles, etc.  The problem is, we never feel like it's good enough because it never is, in the eyes of our BPD parent!  We live a life of agony where we work so very hard all the time, but are really incapable of stopping and feeling proud of our own accomplishments.  Instead of drugs, our addiction becomes work.  This is one of the things I am working through at therapy.

[susiecue]

My mother only brags about my accomplishments to put herself in the spotlight.  Like, "that's MY daughter".  At my graduation we were suppose to pick someone to speak for us and I chose my husband but he is very shy so I told mom when we got there to go ahead and speak for me and she agreed.

She got up there and immediately put me down for calling on her at the last minute to speak for her and never even congratulated me on any accomplishments but proclaimed at the end with fake tears and fake hug, "I LOVE YOU MY DAUGHTER".  Made me sick.

[ScarletOlive]

Kwamina, mm yes it's tough when parents with BPD often set up impossibly high standards and then hold your accomplishments as a reflection on them. My mom has done this too. I think GeekyGirl is really right about giving our parents that power though.

When I started accepting my own accomplishments, it made me realize that I wasn't that little kid anymore. It's really freeing. I listed my successes and put them in a special box so I could pull them out when I felt low. Some people say inner strength is cliche but hey, it's only cliche because it's worked for so many people. I hope you can see your own truth about your strengths and slowly can set aside the negative comments your mom makes. 

[GustheDog]

NPD father is a fan of saying things, when he feels the need to take me down a notch (which is always), such as, "Gee, for such a bright, educated guy . . ." and then trailing off to let my imagination fill in the rest.

He also likes to point out precisely why (in his opinion) things haven't worked out for me in certain areas, but he'll sing my praises to anyone who'll listen regarding my accomplishments. But only because I'm an extension of him.

He's also the most masterful gaslighter I've ever encountered.

[lipsticklibrarian]

Urgh my mum is so weird about my achievements, she'll spend three years telling me I'm lazy and stupid to 'motivate' me to work harder towards my degree but my Grandma had to MAKE her come to my graduation.

I'm interested in writing and journalism which she has always tried to put me down for doing and whenever I have an article published in a magazine she gets so jealous she won't talk to me for a week.

Also since I was a child she has always tried to create this impression that I'm really stupid and slow, she would tease me by saying I had to wear a dunce cap. I never liked the joke and it wasn't particularly funny but she carried on and on saying it. So this year I decided to start sticking up for myself when she mentioned the joke I told her I didn't have the dunce cap because she had fried it in butter and eaten it as a midnight snack (she is very overweight and insecure about it.)

[Kwamina]

Hi y'all!  Thanks for all your responses! I can relate to a lot of the experiences you've shared. I'm much better able to deal with my mother (and uBPD older sister) now than when I was a kid/teenager/young adult. Back then I was totally unprepared. I've learned not to take their hateful remarks seriously because it's only a reflection of their own inner rottenness. I've also been setting boundaries with them, I've minimized the number of contacts I have with them and the contacts we do have I keep very superficial. What I still find difficult is looking back at how it was. After learning about BPD I realized that I really didn't stand a chance as a kid because children just aren't borne with the knowledge and skills to deal with someone with BPD. In some ways this makes me feel powerless all over again because everything I did seems so futile. I realized that I spent nearly 30 years of my life reasoning with my mother and hoping she would change, only to realize that she can't be reasoned with and probably won't ever change her bad behavior. That's why now I've focused on changing myself and have drastically altered the way I interact with my mother and oldest sister. I've really lowered my expectations of them and expect them to behave poorly and fully prepare myself for it. And as a result I've seen a change in them too because they realize that they can't just push me around anymore. They now know that when they behave badly towards me, it will definitely have consequences. My mother and oldest sister basically are cowards. I had always been an easy target for them because I'm way younger than my siblings. Ever since I changed the way interact with them, my sister has been searching for other ways to get rid of her frustrations. She still sometimes tries with me though, but she ain't getting nowhere now.  Two years ago my sister thought she had found a new victim, one of her co-workers who was already very close to a nervous breakdown. Since my sister is a coward and perceived this co-worker as weak, she thought she could rage against her without it having consequences. One day my sister exploded on her, only to find out that the coworker wasn't as weak as she thought. My sister ended up losing her job as a result of this incident. This wasn't the first incident at her job, but it was the final straw. My mother defended her ofcourse and blamed it on her colleagues who 'were out to get her.' The two of them live in a fantasy world and I'm very happy I've finally been able to mentally break free.

[Kwamina]

So this year I decided to start sticking up for myself when she mentioned the joke I told her I didn't have the dunce cap because she had fried it in butter and eaten it as a midnight snack (she is very overweight and insecure about it.)

Thanks for your reply lipsticklibrarian! I'm curious though, how does your mother reply to this remark about her eating? My bet is that she's either completely dumbfounded, accuses you of being mean or intensifies her raging even more.

[Kwamina]

He's also the most masterful gaslighter I've ever encountered.

This gaslighting thing really confused me when I was a kid. My mother made me doubt everything, she truly is a master manipulator. That is, she's a master manipulator with children because she really can't handle adults. She totally lacks the skills to deal with her children in a mature way and is completely unable to reason. When I first learned about BPD I was amazed to find out that there actually was a name for this particulat type of behavior. Finding out about gaslighting validated my experience and helped reassure me that I wasn't crazy and that there indeed really is something very wrong with my mother.

[Kwamina]

I did everything to try to please but never could.  

Yes, I was also confused!  I understand where you are coming from.

Hi Santa Clara! I also tried for many years to please my mother by doing everything I could, but like you said it was never enough. I now realize this was a mission impossible because nothing I did could ever have filled the gigantic void inside of her. It was also very mean of her because all my energy and attention went towards her instead of myself. Now I'm focusing on me and I've also stopped defending her and stopped keeping up appearances. More and more I'm letting people know the true story of my family.

Thanks again for all your responses and advice y'all! 

[AbbyNormal]

The conflicting messages are maddening. When I was growing up, my uBPD mother would push me very hard to succeed in matters of career and finance. She also constantly complained that she could be happy if she only had more money. I was taught to believe money was the answer to everything. This set up one set of values in my mind as a child. She would also say family was the most important thing to her, but would then rage against my grandma and I (her only family) at every turn.

As I grew up, I was successful at a young age. She would constantly call my work with various dramatic episodes. I would try and meet her demands as I was not very emotionally mature. Eventually I got a dream job in Washington DC. As this evolved, the dialog changed. She would dish out huge amounts of guilt about how I was moving away and choosing to "throw away my family."

She'll brag that I have "two degrees". (I had a double major.) Then, she'll berate me by asking why I can't just move back and work a "regular" job like everyone else. She does the same thing about my husband. She loves to brag about his success but then berates him as being money-motivated.

It took me a while but once I figured out that I wasn't going to be able to please her, my life got better. Life with BPD unfortunately seems to mean constant double standards and contradictions.

Anyone else have trouble trying to describe these incidents?   I feel like a dog chasing my tail even trying to describe it.

[XL]

Mine seems to only be able to show genuine pride through gifts. It's a very complicated issue. She was super annoyed that other parents set up our college art reception refreshments, threw a huge tantrum about it, but then showed up with a bunch of engraved mementoes and flowers, then sulked the whole time. It's like she'll say she's proud, and then sulk about how she never got to go to college because she had babies. Which... .  I'm standing right there. Telling me you're proud of me in the same sentence where you're saying I ruined your life? What am I supposed to do with that? I also throw all the gifts away because they visually trigger my irritation.

I have a very hard time telling if my accomplishments are genuine or actually appreciated, or an annoyance to the world. I tend to think they're an annoyance, and I don't like compliments. I have a really hard time accepting credit for some work unless I can stand by it 150%. I was something close to valedictorian for our department and I threw all the awards in the trash because I didn't trust them. My mom implied that I only got it as a sarcastic joke from the professor who nominated me, and he was trying to embarrass me in public.

I am a weird mix over overachiever who never accomplishes, perfectionistic, and self doubter at the same time.

[Clearmind]

Can I highly recommend a video series that I have been listening to for the past 2 weeks!

XL, there was a session on this very point you raise I listened to yesterday - (Session 4: Dr. Friedemann Schaub - Healing at the Level of the Subconscious Mind)

The Self-Acceptance Project - Finding Our Sense of Fundamental Worthiness

You need to register with an email address at the top of the link - then you can access the session that have come out - 2 sessions a week are added on a Monday night at 7pm. Great sessions for kids who had BPD parents - it really hits on the struggles we have as adults as the result our childhood conditioning.

[XL]

I'll try to check it out. thanks.

[Kwamina]

It took me a while but once I figured out that I wasn't going to be able to please her, my life got better. Life with BPD unfortunately seems to mean constant double standards and contradictions.

Anyone else have trouble trying to describe these incidents?   I feel like a dog chasing my tail even trying to describe it.

Hi Abby! Thanks for your reply. I know what cha mean, I find it difficult to describe these incidents too. One thing that makes it hard is that my mother after she misbehaved, often acted as if nothing had happened or tried to justify her behavior. This made me question my own sanity. In her mind the way she behaves is normal and completely justified and if people disagree with this viewpoint, they are the crazy ones.