communication issues

[ComoLu]

My uxH is retired military.  We are newly divorced (haven't even received a copy of my decree), and I will have to complete paperwork to transition to my own military benefits.  He is refusing to help with this even though all I have requested is an official copy of 1 document and a signature on another.  He is also refusing to give me my half of his retirement or change my support to the amount required by the decree.  These are frustrating issues for me, but if he continues to be so difficult, eventually the courts and the military may have to get involved.  If that happens, he may lose his job.  I would be ok financially, but he has nothing else.  How can I get him to do what he is supposed to do?  He refuses to communicate with me at all now, whether by phone or email, but I know that he reads the emails I send him.  I would appreciate any and all suggestions.

[ComoLu]

I forgot to mention that I believe he is BPD.  He is undiagnosed and refuses to admit that he may need help.  He self medicates with alcohol.  I am at my wit's end trying to figure out how to make him cooperate.  We have a house to sell and many other post divorce issues to address, but he just won't respond, and since he is 2000 miles away from me, I cannot just go see him.  Perhaps I should.  He seems to greatly fear spending any time with me in person.  Does anyone think that might help?

[ForeverDad]

First, you have to accept that you cannot help him.  During 30+ years of marriage he never recovered and I'm sure you tried and tried during all that time.  So don't expect anything different now.  The most reliable indicator of the future is the past history.  If recovery after all these years is ever to happen, however unlikely, it has to be his decision, his efforts, his recovery.  So "Let Go" of any feelings to help him - or even to protect him from the consequences of his actions and inactions.

While you can try once to get cooperation and compliance - from a safe distance, most here would recommend you don't meet him, at least not privately and alone - it has to be done simply and in a businesslike manner.  Emotional pleas or reasoning won't reach him and could even derail or delay your efforts.  After that, let a lawyer or the agencies take over.  While we know you won't take advantage of him, you can't afford to be "nice".  You can't afford to "protect" him from himself, he's a grown man, not a child.

Don't depend on him for anything.  Don't expect cooperation.  Don't be surprised by obstruction, delay or suble and not-so-subtle sabotage.  Rather, while hoping for the best, plan for the worst.  That way you're prepared for either outcome.

It sounds like you need to get that decree.  Hopefully it's specific about certain things such as obtaining a QDRO (for retirement accounts and benefits) and the other financial matters.  If he doesn't comply with the order as it specifies, then likely your recourse is to go back to court.  You may have other options before you, depending on the specifics of your case.  An experienced family law attorney can give legal advice.  We here in peer support can give you support, warn you of the hidden pitfalls in ending a marriage and share what worked for us.

[ComoLu]

I appreciate your reply, and I am trying to follow your advice.  This is all new to me.  In all of the years we were married, we rarely had issues like so many post about here.  We had our ups and downs, and I knew he had a temper and some quirks, but I did not even suspect a serious problem until about mid-2008.  He had been living and working 2000 miles away for nearly a year then, and that was when he started saying and doing things that made no sense to me.  I really didn't get the full impact of it until after he left.  Apparently other people sometimes saw his dark side(like our children and his girlfriends), but he didn't act that way with me, and they didn't tell me.  I have been trying to learn how to deal with him.  The man he is now is almost a stranger to me.  I wasn't the only one he fooled.  Most of the people who have known us for years - family and friends - are as baffled by his recent behavior as I have been, and we are all trying to cope.  Our divorce is final now, and I am trying to work through everything I need to do to transition with the military by myself.  My lawyer is amazing and very helpful.  I have been lucky enough to have lots of people help and support me as I go through this.  That is the reason I sought others who have more experience with this.  I need all of the help I can get.  I had already realized that I was probably going to have to let him crash, but you are right, I wanted to break his fall.

[sad but wiser]

ComoLu, Caring for your husband is a way of life, so not interceding for him means a new way of dealing with life, right?  My uBPDh also changed.  There were warning signs, sure, but the last 4 years have been the worst!  Somehow he feels entitled to every benefit without any responsibility.  You simply must do what would be reasonable with a reasonable person, even though he isn't.  ForeverDad is right, don't expect any cooperation.  Delay is part of the package.  If he loses his job, he loses his job.  It isn't your responsibility to get him off to work like he is a child going to school.   You really aren't helping him by helping him.  (I want to make some tee shirts that say, "Enabler no more!"  I think they would sell.