codependency / BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

According to the r/s you had before, do you think your codependency traits only show up when you were with a pwBPD ?

I mean, I read what codependency is, here on the threads, and I was undoubtedly VERY codependent during my r/s with my exBPD, but I find that I'm and was not this way when I dated a NonBPD.

Can the codependency only appear when faced with a disordered partner ?

Hope I'm clear...  

[IfOnlyIKnew]

According to the r/s you had before, do you think your codependency traits only show up when you were with a pwBPD ?

I mean, I read what codependency is, here on the threads, and I was undoubtedly VERY codependent during my r/s with my exBPD, but I find that I'm and was not this way when I dated a NonBPD.

Can the codependency only appear when faced with a disordered partner ?

Hope I'm clear...  

[honeysuckle]

Good question because that is exactly what I was thinking! I have never had a codependant relationship before the one I had with my Ex. At least not so obviously! I think its part of why it has been so hard giving up and letting go! I hope there is a good answer!

[inepted]

I talked to my T about this a little. For the most part, Im highly independent person. I need time to myself to sort of recharge. When I was in a relationship with my pwBPD however, all of these codependent traits emerged. She was like an addiction. A large part of it was that I thought I could be her knight in shining armor. I wanted to show I would never abandon her. Every time I would want to be alone, she would start questioning if she wasnt fun to be with or if I was sick of talking to her, things like that.

I think that, to a certain degree, everyone becomes a little codependent with each other in any relationship, healthy or otherwise. Those codependent traits just emerge and flair up more so with BPD relationships because we desperately want to try and help them because of how much they're suffering. After that BPD relationship is over however, those traits stick around like a bad habit. Its up to us to recognize it and work on breaking it.

[Whatwasthat]

And it's also important to realise that one can have 'co-dependent' relationships with FOO members, friends and even your job - not just in romantic relationships.

This for me is the big realisation - that I have a pattern of thinking that I have to 'perform' and that that way I will be 'loved' as a reward for my 'hard work and effort'. This really isn't how relationships work - but it's taking a long time to sort that one out... .  

[Surnia]

I had more than one rs with co-dependency issues. Mostly concerning alcohol or drug problems, being the much more constant breadwinner. 

I had before also some workoholic tendencies. Its the same pattern, I have to fullfill something to feel good and respected. Or in other words, with work I could cover my low self esteem.

While the workoholic thing got better the last years, the rs codependency got worse, I think. 

[Distraught-m-in-mn]

I think its extremely interesting how that as a group, we think similar thoughts at a similar time.

This weekend, I just re-read parts of co-dependant no more, and then early this morning (when i seem to do my best thinking), i was considering / comparing codependancy... .  reviewing prior relationship... .  comparing to my current situation, etc. 

I would have never in a million years imagined myself being codependant.  But I truly believe that BPD has brought this out in me.

Luckily I still remember what I was like when I wasn't codependant, and have made a lot of changes, and am getting my sense of 'me' back.

I think the saddest part of BPD is that the most acute effects of it are felt by the non BPD partner.  For the longest time, I lived in the model of "If my wife had cancer, I'd never abandon her... .  so why would I abandon her because of her BPD?"

The flaw though is that BPD is not like cancer at all.  Instead, it seems more like the ebola virus or something similar to that.  As much as you want to help your loved one, the fact is that by trying to help, you expose yourself to it... .  and you will end up feeling the effects.

[IfOnlyIKnew]

Thanks to you all for your replies. They really help me to understand how and why all this happened, or better say, I let it happen... .  

I also think I have a codependency background, but it had never exploded like it did when I was with my expwBPD.

I find that what you said inepted "Those codependent traits just emerge and flair up more so with BPD relationships because we desperately want to try and help them because of how much they're suffering." is so very true. I can relate so much to this.

Now, how do you work on this codependency now that you are out of the BPD r/s ? Do we have to become selfish to fix it ? Do we have to become cold hearted ?

I try to focus more on myself since the breakup but I can't change my personality so easily. I guess that if a family member or a close friend would need me, I'd be there to help. Where is the limit that we shouldn't cross ?

[Surnia]

Good question how to fix codependency!

It is shurly not the idea to become cold hearted or a complete egoiste, there must be something in between. I find also helpful to recognize that supporting others is wired in our brain. Only when it is out of balance, its unhealthy.

For me is one important step to be more in touch with my own needs and values. The "what is yours, what is mine" thing. When someone around me has strong feelings like anger to recognize, this is his anger, it has nothing to do with me.

For me its a learning process.

[Distraught-m-in-mn]

This may be wrong, bu my belief is that we have to first take care of ourselves in all areas such that we are confident that we are who we want to be.  Only then can we extend ourselves to help others.

If we ourselves are out of balance, we risk slipping back into codependency.

I imagine it being like trying to save someone that is drowning.  Anyone would want to help.  However, if we try to swim out to save them with a cast on our broken leg, we both would end up drowning.

Instead, call for help, or throw them a life preserver. 

In the context of mental / emotional issues that could drag us down, you could direct them to a therapist, or recommend an inspiring book, or perhaps another friend or family member that would be in a better position to help.

I could be completely off base, but that is what came to my mind.

I'm curious to hear others thoughts and opinions.

[sunrising]

I discussed this with my therapist.  I never thought of myself as particularly codependent, but now realize that I am at least inclined toward being codependent, especially in a loaded relationship.   Obviously the typical BPD relationship is fairly loaded, so mine brought out my codependency.  My T made reference to "episodic" vs. "systemic" behavior in telling me that she doesn't view me as dangerously codependent, in general, but that I certainly was in the relationship with my exwBPD.  I don't know that I completely agree with my T though.   I realized even before my BPD relationship that I was too much of a "fixer".  I have never dealt well with rejection from a partner, I just never thought of that as codependency, as such.  It is. 

[expos]

I never had co-dependency issues before my exBPD wife, and didn't have them while we were married, either. 

For me, I just let her make all the plans, set the appointments, decide what's for dinner, etc.  I just did these things to pacify her.  I rarely sought advice from her.  She'd always be the one calling me while I was at work.  The only time I felt like I was codependent was when we'd go out to a party or a dinner and she'd have this disgusted look on her face because she wasn't enjoying herself (which wasn't my problem anyway).  I then would have to treat her like a 5-year old and do everything I could to cheer her up.   I was a saint to this woman.

Oddly enough, after we divorced, I treated her very nice and walked on eggshells as to not upset her.  I tried to make the process less painful for the both of us.  However, since this was a "divorce" she felt inclined to act like a b_itch no matter situation.  In her warped view, she felt it was necessary to cut me down.  It's like she wanted a nasty divorce and wanted to fight me because I SHOULDN'T have been nice to her.   Sorry, it's just not in my wheelhouse to act like a jerk.

I began feeling like a co-dependent then, constantly worrying about her feelings when I shouldn't have given a crap.

Now, if I see her, I just might give her some crap if she starts something with me.  Nothing to lose now!

 

 

[mtmc01]

This was my first relationship where I had invested myself this deeply and lived with a GF, so I guess in a way I'm thankful for that. Now I have been able to fully realize and start working on my codependency/controlling and anger/stubbornness so that someone who is truly deserving of my love gets the best version of me.

[charred]

I would have argued I wasn't codependent before... but really, it came on over time in my 22 yr marriage, as I went from watching out for myself, to watching out for my wife and putting her needs ahead of mine, to putting my kid and wife and extended family ahead, then the pwBPD came in and demanded to be priority 1... and when the dust settled... I felt like I had lost my self, my dreams and desires enough that I draw a blank when it comes to what I want. Used to be I wanted a good job, family and kids... haven't had a normal job in many years, do consulting contracts and on average I make good money... .  I don't want to marry in to an instant family particularly, my exwife and I are unlikely to get back together, and at 50 I feel like its late to start a family... would be wrong to be 70 with a 20 yr old kid. So I am trying to figure out how to get back to being motivated and having some interest in anything I want... .  its weird.

Read 4 books on codependency and my conclusion is the best thing on it is the article on bpdfamily.com... it doesn't sugar coat and make it sound like you are a victim, it is accurate.

I don't think my pwBPD made me codependent... .  she helped repress me even deeper than I was... .  she did leave me with some PTSD symptoms though.

[laelle]

I remember being on a church bus when I was probably about 10.  There was a little boy on the bus who half way through the trip got sick and wasnt feeling well.  I thought to myself, if I could help that little boy when he is sick, maybe he would like me.  So, I helped that little boy and he still didnt like me.  I watched my dad cower to my mom.  He had a nervous break down when I was about 12 when his factory closed down.

I have had this COD a long long time, but in other relationships my partner could take care of themselves.  His neediness exacerbated my need to take care of.  If I took care of him, maybe he would love me.

[daze]

My codependency came out full-fledged in my r/s with uBPDh who is also an alcoholic.  I think it's been lurking in the background.

I sought therapy as a result of how I felt in the r/s with uBPDh.  My feelings seemed foreign and not a part of who I am/was, who I think I am.

In therapy, I discovered that my mother is narcissistic and possibly BPD herself.  Not a huge surprise to many people close to me and in my family.  I have been in great denial all my life about it, hoping to gain her approval and have a true r/s with her.  It's not possible.  I am still adjusting to it.

I think some people here find themselves in BPD relationships because they have big hearts or are hugely sexually attracted.  Others of us, like me, have major family of origin issues they are just discovering.

All I can say, is you're not alone.  And I hope you find some peace.  

[an0ught]

I think there are a few aspects that make one more vulnerable for co-dependent relationships.

  - weak boundary skills (not lack of boundaries but ability to protect them)

  - desire to have a close relationship. Lack of ability to express emotions over a wider distance.

  - low self esteem / strong inner critic

Whether a co-dependent relationship results depends on partner and circumstances.

What is critical to note is that coming out of a BPD relationship our vulnerability for co-dependency has often increased. Our boundaries have been torn down (maybe except the NC one that was built finally), emotions are all over the place as the breakup is so intensely painful and finally our mind constantly questions us why! and we are beating ourselves up over the many steps we have been willingly going along.

It is a process rebuilding our lives... .

[mango_flower]

I'm the most independent person I know.  I flew halfway across the world a few years back, alone, to backpack for a year.

I just don't know what happened... . one day I was happily single, the next, co-dependent!  Ouch.

[HarmKrakow]

i never been co-dependent in my life until my ex BPD gf switched from idealization to hatred. Then I met the thing called 'being codependent'.

[tailspin]

 

I think some relationships bring our co-d traits to the forefront but that doesn't mean they weren't there the entire time.  It's unlikely that we suddenly became this way. 

Someone else's mental illness is not the reason for our behavior.  We are.

tailspin