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Author Topic: My BPD Ex-Girlfriend (A long, sad, and painful story)  (Read 29823 times)
paperlung
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« on: March 20, 2013, 11:16:46 PM »

This is my story about my ex-girlfriend who has just recently been diagnosed with BPD. It's very long, but I really hope at least somebody will read it. I could really use the support as I am very depressed.

I met my now ex-girlfriend back in August 2011 off of a dating website. The first time we met, I actually went over to her place (she lives with her dad) to hang out. We played video games, talked, watched YouTube videos, she even showed me pictures of her ex-boyfriends which I thought was kind of weird, but I was 21 and had never had a girlfriend before so I didn't see it as a red flag or anything like that.

The second date we took my dog out for a walk, went to the beach, took her to the driving range (I work at a golf course), then dinner. It was during dinner when she told me about her anxiety. I told her I suffered from anxiety too, but her's was on an entirely different level than mine; she was agoraphobic and never went out on her own. She also let me knew on this date near the end of it she was interested in me when she grabbed my arm and said, "I really like you." That made me feel really excited and happy.

The third time we met, she invited me over to her place for dinner, and... .  I ended up losing my virginity, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

I think by the forth or fifth time we got together she told me she loved me, which didn't surprise me. I could see with my own eyes already that she was really infatuated with me. I thought I had found the perfect girl.

Then, she started opening up to me more about her past. Before that though, she came clean with me and told me didn't have a job (she told me she did), in truth she was on welfare and got like $700 every month. She said she lied because she thought I would've thought less of her. Why she was on welfare? Because she suffered from anxiety/agoraphobia. She did tell me she had a job working at a grocery store for like a month when she was 15; that's it for her work experience. Again, maybe a red flag, but I brushed it off and told her it was all right. But back to her past... .  Her parents divorced when she was really young and then she and her sister went to go live with their mom who eventually got into drugs and alcohol. She and her sister were then put into a foster home for two years and until the father was able to get custody. The reason why they had to go into a foster home instead of living with their father was because the mother had accused him of molesting my ex's older sister.

So now she and her sister are living with their dad. My ex told me she moved like 18 times in totally. But growing up, she told me never really felt loved. Her father would put her down, not show any affection... .  It was like she didn't even have a mom and dad basically. She dropped out of high school near the end of Grade 8 and her dad didn't even care or bother to involve himself in getting her back on track. So she spent most of her teenage years isolated, and that is when she started cutting and became anorexic. Again, the father never stepped up to the plate to get her help.

She met all of her ex-boyfriends online, actually. The first one she said treated her badly, the second actually ditched her out of the blue three months in, and the third one she said was just a rebound and he too didn't treat her well.

As for her education, she actually ended up graduating right before I met her by doing home schooling. So that was very good of her, to do that on her own because she wanted to.

Despite all this, I reassured her that I loved her, wanted to be with her, and told her how I was going to help her get better. Well... .  she never really did, despite my best efforts. And believe me, I tried. I tried so damn hard with this girl.

She'd make me come over after work at 11 at night and pick up food for her because she wouldn't feed herself. Then I'd have to get up in the morning and go to school. What did she have to do? Nothing. She'd constantly ask for me and whenever I tried to tell her I needed some alone time she would get mad at me and say I didn't care about her and that I was abandoning.

Because of her anxiety/agoraphobia, she couldn't leave her dad's place. She was basically always in her room unless I came over to take her out. Even then, she needed to be medicated with clonazepam. I'd drive her everywhere, did whatever she asked. Took her on nice outings, ect. But it was a real struggle for her. And I'm not going to lie, over time she did start to bother me.

She was always depressed about her life, no matter how hard I tried to make her happy. Always anxious; it became such a hassle to get her to come out with me. I took her to doctors so she could try some medication; she didn't like how they made her feel. And i also took her to see a psychologist, but she stopped 3 sessions in because at the time she couldn't afford it.

Then, it happened. She asked me if she could try cam modeling because she was sick of living off welfare and my money. For the record, her older sister does this cam modeling thing too, that's how she got the idea. If you don't know what cam modeling is, it's where you get naked on cam and pleasure yourself in front of hundreds of men and they give you money. I let her do it because I'm wasn't a jealous person and knew that what she'd be doing on there was just business and that she loved me. Well... .  

She ends up meeting this 40-year-old man from England (she and I live in Canada) off the site she works for and they began chatting over Skype. I allowed this because besides me, she literally has no one. No friends, no social life, doesn't leave her room. So I thought having a friend she could talk to would be good for her. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

So they continued to talk as we dated and it never was a problem until she told me that this guy said to her one day that he loved her and wanted to have sex with her. She reassured me she didn't feel the same way and that she wasn't even attracted to him, which I believed because he wasn't attractive at all.

It wasn't until after I helped her move out of her dad's place and into a condo during the first week of October that she started to develop feelings for him. As for this place she is now living in... .  the only reason she was able to move there in the first place was because of me. We lied to the landlord, saying we were going to be living together. It was the only way she was ever going to be able to move out on her own because she had no real credit or work history. She also lied to the landlord about her job and said she was a graphic designer.

Near the end of October was her birthday, and guess what? The guy from England sent her 20 birthday presents in the mail and she opened them in front of him on Skype (I was at school, but she told me). And you know what she did for him? She masturbated with him on cam as some sort of "thank you". When she told me about that one night when we were in bed, I got really angry at her and she ran to the bathroom, locked the door, and cut herself.

Early November 2012 she broke it off with me because she said she no longer felt like we could connect/relate and that we were just too different and how she wanted to meet this guy. I, of course, flip out, pack my stuff, and go home. Two days later she calls me, crying, while I'm at school saying she needs to talk to me at her place and how I need to be an adult about it.

That wasn't the first time she broke up with me either. One time, maybe four months into the relationship, she randomly sends me a text one evening to tell me it's over. This was completely out of nowhere as we were getting along great. I was devastated and confused as her reasons for doing it made no sense. Well, the next day she calls me up and we're back together again. This whole her breaking up with me thing happens again maybe a month or two later; her reasons were that she didn't "feel a spark anymore" and that we were "too different". She always felt that because I had a good life growing up and she didn't that we couldn't relate. But yeah, she calls me up the next day and we get back together... .  again.

But back to the most recent break up. Turns out, the night she broke up with me, her ex called and she invited him over because she was "messed up" and "needed someone to talk to". Turns out she and her ex had sex that night. So she goes from breaking up with me to be the 40-year-old English guy, to sleeping with her ex. Wow.

So she goes on about how she needs help and stuff, so I make the mistake of continuing to help her. At this point she is convinced there is something seriously wrong with her mentally because she told me she couldn't understand why did what she did, how it was so illogical.

I end up forgiving her, take her back, but this discussion about still wanting to meet this guy persists. I say no again and that it's either me or him. She breaks it off with me again because she says she still wants to meet him. One night I had to take her to the hospital upon her request and she got an appointment set up to see a psychiatrist one morning but she ended up flaking on the day of it because she was "too tired to go".

THEN she calls me later and tells me we need to talk. I see her and she tells me she won't meet him, but that it will sadden her she'll never be able to meet him as long as we're together. She says what's the big deal if nothing sexual comes out of it, but I'm sorry... .  I don't trust you, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Especially after what you said; you love him and he loves you.

December 2012, I broke up with her in person at her place because she was continuing to do sexual things on cam with him behind my back (I checked her Skype). I was furious. She physically attacked me and said she was going to commit suicide as I walked out the door so I called the cops. She was really angry at me for calling 911 and her dad, who had no idea about her job or this guy she wanted to meet. I wasn't going to go with her, but she demanded in front of everyone (the cops, the ambulance people, her dad and sister) that I be there and that I ride with her.

While we were at the hospital waiting, she actually ran off at one point outside into the dark after her sister mentioned the guy from England to her; telling my ex how she doesn't really know who he is, he's a creep, just wants sex, ect. But obviously in my ex's eyes that wasn't the case because she would talk to him ALL THE TIME and knows him better than anyone.

But anyway, there wasn't much they could do for her at the hospital, like when I took her. Just gave her some more clonazepam and told her to go see a psychiatrist at this mental health clinic by her place. Her dad offered to drive her, but she said she wouldn't go. I guess in her eyes all she needed right now and then is her 40-year-old lover from England.

One line that really stuck out to me from her Skype conversation with him was a question she asked him, "You'll take care of me, right?" For the record, this guy isn't rich or anything. He's been on disability since they started talking because he hurt his back and needed surgery. So he ain't no sugar-daddy.

So just a few days after I had broken up with her and went no conact, buddy from England takes a plane over here to Canada to see her. And after spending just ONE NIGHT with him, I get a call from her in the morning saying that she needed to talk to me in person. I was of course reluctant to meet, but she started breaking down and said she wanted me back.

So I go to her place, she gets in my car, and we talk in the parking lot. She basically says that she just wants to be friends with him (for the record, she did have sex with him that night), and wants to work things out with me. I tell her that once he leaves, she needs to get help. I also tell her that if it's true that you just want to be this guy's friend, do not do anything else sexually with him while he is here. She agrees to all this, and before getting out of the car, she kisses me goodbye.

So, I'm back at home. She's in her condo with this 40-year-old dude, and she doesn't even leave her place once with him to go out. So they just stayed inside, watched TV, and talked for 10 days (he left on the 28th of December). During that time, she would text me a lot telling me how much she missed me and stuff... .  said her chest felt heavy, ect.

One day I get a text from her in the morning saying something bad happened (this was while he was still here). She calls me up, and says he tried to rape her. This is how it apparently went down.

He and she were both on the bed, facing different ways. He starts rubbing her leg, then her private area. Now, she tells me she doesn't stop him because she wanted to see just how far this guy was willing to go after previously telling him "we're only friends". So it was like a trust game in her eyes. She told me she didn't move the whole time, pretended to act dead, didn't look his way. I believe she let him go all the way with her. Then she tells him to leave her place.

So he's at the airport now. I come over to see her because of what happened and she invites me out for lunch.

So we go for lunch and then go back to her place, and this guy is still at the airport waiting for his plane but is texting her asking if she really wants him to leave. He says she thought she was playing some sort of "game" in bed and wouldn't of done anything if she had just said no.

Her and I end up having sex twice before I left to go home, and she invites him back because she said she felt guilty about sending him home so soon. I just shook my head.

So Christmas comes, I end up caving in and getting her a gift because I was feeling nice and I give it to her in the parking lot of her place. The next time I see her is shortly after he left (on the 28th). She invites me over for dinner. Well, there was no dinner, and she was not in a very bright mood.

She was very sad to see him go. So her and I are off to a good start... .  not. She snaps out of it eventually and we go out to the bookstore and for dinner. She was acting really affectionate towards; grabbed my arm, held my hand. We talked a bit about her time with him. She told me she didn't even find him physically attractive, but enjoyed his company. Loved him as a person, but wasn't in-love with him.

I stay the night at her place, and the next day she was acting weird. It wasn't until later in the day that I asked her, ":)o you miss him? Do you wish he was still here?" And she answers yes. She even said she still had feelings for him.

So here I am, back in her place, thinking we were going to work things out, get her help, ect, and she still freaking has feelings for him even though she kicked him out early because she missed me/wanted to fix things between us.
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paperlung
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2013, 11:17:02 PM »

The next few days she just sat in bed all depressed, wanting to be dead rather than choose between me and this 40-year-old English guy she met off a porn site. It wasn't enjoyable to be around. I even went and got her fruit and sandwich meat with my own money because she was broke and couldn't leave the bed because she "wasn't feeling good because of her period".

A couple of nights later I blow up and tell her I can't take this anymore, just go be with him. The choice was either we work things out/get her help and she cuts him out, or she gets together with him and I cut her out. I also find out from her that night that she had sex with him the night before he left to go back to England. I was pissed. I go sleep on her couch and say I'm leaving in the morning for good, I get a text from her a little while later while I'm on the couch telling me to come back to the bed. Said she chooses me, she will delete him from her life. I knew this was probably just a ploy to get me back in the bed because she didn't want to be alone, but I went along with it because I just wanted to go to sleep.

The next day, I ask her if what she said was genuine; she says it was but that she still doesn't know for sure what to do. I offer to take her to the doctor because she needed more medication, but she refused to go because she said she didn't feel good. Always an excuse with her. I go home, but before I did, I tell her that it's probably best for the both of us that she just be with him because I couldn't take her anymore. She is so needy, demands so much attention, so depressed. I'm trying to work towards a career here! I leave with telling her maybe we could stay friends.

I call her up later that day to see how she was doing and she seemed fine. I asked if she had made up her mind yet, and she said not quite, but was leaning towards him after what I said. I think knowing she could keep me around in some form made her feel better about the whole situation. I tell her that I didn't think I could do the "friend thing" and she starts crying again. I then say I'm coming by tomorrow to grab a couple of my things and I'd be on my way, out of her life, for good.

4 or 5 days later while I was doing no contact again she starts sending me a bunch of text messages.

"am i really never going to hear from you again... ?"

"sorry i wont contact you. i will respect your decision."

"i know that you hate me, and dont trust me for all the right reasons... but if you ever want to contact me again... im sorry for ****ing you up. i really am and our story... our relationship and love but please know under my stubborn mental illness is the girl you once loved."

Then she tried calling me twice, so I turned off my phone. Then I check my email.

"i wont write a novel in this, but it could be long, and i hope you read it even if you dont reply. i need treatment. im sorry for rejecting your help for me. i want to say ill move back home and things will be better but i cant. the landlord told me she hopes not to regret giving me the chance to live here. all ive done my life is let people down including myself. ive lived with no confidence my whole life to be a somebody. deep down i think my life is over and i will never speak to you again, but there is something deep inside crying out for help. ive relapsed back into my anorexia badly and you can start to see my bones. i spend my days wondering how ill cope or survive with such massive depression and griping lonelyness. i can tell you a million reasons why i dont want you to call my family and tell them this but i am risking this with the message. sometimes, or most of the times i cant live with the grief or guilt of the things ive done and the damage ive caused which is bringing damage to myself. i sit here crying knowing im not best for you and im pathetic and useless and youll acomplish your dreams and you will have the last laugh when im in some gutter and thinking 'i told her so'. whatever happens... im sorry im sorry im sorry but sorry isnt enough and it never will be."

Then I get ANOTHER email from her titled, "Things I never took the time to thank you for".

"- paying for my animal welfare program after hardly knowing me. - paying for anything i needed when i was broke. - continuing to love me despite my moods - seeing me after school and work - missing important classes for me during my pathetic depressions and anxietys - spending copious amount of time in my room on nice days with me cause of the reaaon above - coming back into my life and being forgiving, like you always were after i made you miserable - being ok with the fact i didnt really enjoy hockey that much - holding me when i cried about the horrible things i went through and promising to have a better life with you - signing a lease so i could live in a nicer house - being with me to trips to see my mother - thinking the world of me despite my problems - the nice days at the mall and bubble teas - the aquarium - dinner at your grandparents - dinner at your parents - your parents kindness - ice skating with me even though i really cant - cleaning my house - thinking i was beautiful without makeup - the endless cost of gas you spent on driving - not judging me for my horrendus job - never abusing me - never controlling me - and most of all taking the time to know me and love me"

I turn my phone back on and see that she tried to call me two more times, plus these texts.

"i sent you some emails. i know you dont want to speak to me but i needed to write."

"i was terrified you really blocked me so thats why i called. im sorry you had to turn off your phone."

"if youre wanting to help me think about it and reply k"

"youre never going to talk to me... .  "

Well... .  I caved in to her, AGAIN. By the way, that man from England flew back to Canada like two days after I left her again. So she was sending me all those messages while he was there.

So the 40-year-old guy from England leaves like a week and a bit later and then I come over to see her. The plan was that she was going to just focus on getting better with my help, no more drama. We kind of made an agreement that if she got help, and if she got better, we'd try dating again. So I found myself again doing a lot of the same stuff I did before for her; took her out to go shopping, get groceries, ect. We even went out a handful of times, almost as if we were dating. A lot of the times though I found myself changing moods for the worse whenever she mentioned that guy from England or if I ever saw her text him in front of me. I still wasn't completely over what she had done, so we argued occasionally. I even found myself sleeping over some nights in bed with her, but made things clear to her that I didn't want to have sex.

As for actually getting her help... .  she had developed a very strong addiction to clonazepam and was taking up to 3-4mg a day when she only used to take 0.50 mg. So I had to take her to a walk-in clinic a few times she she would get more. She told me she was going to wean off it, and did, but then kinda relapsed a bit... .  I also took her to this mental health clinic where she saw this doctor who she talked to for like an hour about her entire life history and the doctor didn't really end up doing anything for her. No different medication, no diagnosis, nothing. Just a brochure to this detox place for her pill addiction. But she wasn't going to go to detox.

Like a week after seeing the doctor at the mental health clinic she ran out of clonazepam and didn't want to go to the doctor because she "wasn't feel well" and "they're gonna think I'm an addict because I just got 30 clonazepam pills like 2 weeks ago". So she makes me go get her clonazepam for her. I go to this random clinic, tell the docotor I need some, and he's like, "I can only give you 7, this pill is very addictive, blah, blah." So I only get 7, and she gets angry at me for not being able to get more.

So after she runs out of the 7 pills I got for her, we go back to the walk-in clinic so she can get more. There, she tells the doctor that she saw a doctor at the mental health clinic and how he wasn't very much help, how she want's to try different medication, get diagnosed, ect. So the doctor at the walk-in clinic gets the mental health people to send over the notes that the doctor at the mental health clinic wrote when she was talking to him; I guess the walk-in clinic doctor wanted to see the notes and maybe from there figure out what she (my ex) should do next. Unfortunately, we were told that it would take a week to get those notes and that we should come back next week.

Well, next week I text her in the morning asking her if she wants to go and she gets mad at me, saying my text woke her up. She said she didn't get any sleep and was too tired to go; I've heard that before... .  So we didn't go. So I thought we'd try again next week (which was last Tuesday) that doctor is only in on Tuesdays BTW. But this time, I leave it up to her. I don't text or call her about it in the morning because last time she got mad at me. I didn't hear from her all day. So I text her in evening and ask her why she didn't text me to go and she said it's because she was just going to try and go cold turkey on the clonazepam (she was about to run out and needed more, which was another reason she had to see the doctor).

She then sent me another text telling me to drop off her package which she shipped to my house and then I could leave because she didn't want to see me and wanted to "figure things out". I thought that was kind of suspicious. So I go over and ask her what's up. And she was very reluctant to tell me. She told me it was none of my business why she didn't want me around at all for while because we weren't dating anyways. That's when I knew... .  either that guy from England was coming back or there was somebody else now.

Turns out, she had been personally talking to another guy off the porn site she works for for the past 2 DAYS and now wants to meet him! 2 FREAKING DAYS! He lives in America, her and I live in Canada. He's apparently 26 years old and is going to be an engineer. She said she feels a very strong connection with this guy, and that it may even be bigger than her one with the 40 year old guy from England. BTW, the 40 year old blew up at her when she told him this, said she needed to get help. At least with the 40 year old she spent 6 months talking to him before finally meeting, but 2 days... .  ? What are you doing? You told me you wanted to focus on getting better, not monkeybranch. This is the same girl who earlier told me she would never again form a close relationship with anybody off of the site she works for because it wrecked her life. The same girl who wouldn't let me see other girls while I helped her get better. It just blows my mind. She even said that if things worked out with this new guy, she could see herself moving to America to live with him. Last Tuesday when she told me this, I also found out from her that she hadn't ate in 2 days, her place was a mess (as usual), she had no food... .  She can't take care of herself at all. And I didn't get how she expected to go cold turkey and at the same time go out on her own to accomplish things because I told her she and I were finished again and that I was changing my phone number and deleting my email address so she couldn't reach me anymore.

This Monday she called my house (I still live at home with my parents) while I was at school. My mom answered and she was crying on the phone. She apparently went to see the doctor at some point and got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (I wonder how she got there. Either she went on her own or that new guy who lives 18 hours away took her). She called to let me know that I was right; I had been telling her for quite a while that she might have BPD. My mom also asked her if she was going ahead with this new relationship with the guy from Utah and she is. I don't see it lasting or working for that matter. How could it?

Nevertheless, I'm not speaking to her. I'm serious this time. It's time for me to move and properly heal.
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paperlung
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2013, 11:46:10 PM »

I just made a big mistake, and now I'm feeling 100x worse. So she's "online" right now working her cam job. She has our province blocked, but I know how to view her cam anyways. So in her room she mentions to everybody how she's going to be "living in the states for a while." I guess she's already planning to moving to Utah with him... .  I can't believe this. I can't her. How can she do this? She doesn't even have a passport. She's never even been to the states before. She has a pet rabbit to take care of... .  Why is she doing this? How is this normal? I feel so hurt by this. How she can just move on so quickly. She's sick. I feel so sad.
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willy45
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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2013, 12:08:24 AM »

Dude,

That's a messed up story. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've been through similar stuff.

Here's my advice. Block her email. Block her phone number. Don't check her cam anymore. You are young. You will get over her. She is dangerous. She obviously totally messed up. And, SHE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I've been involved with nuts girls like this. Obviously. I'm on this site. You sound like a really kind hearted guy. And people this messed up latch themselves onto nice guys. That is what she did with you. She's messed up. For sure. And that is sad. Sure. But there are sadder things (Climate Change, AIDS, Global Poverty, Gun Violence, Crack Addiction). This one girl is totally screwed up. AND SHE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

My advice as an old dude to a young dude (I'm also Canadian ). Get her out of your life. She is a dangerous person. Grieve the loss. Figure out why you were attracted to her in the first place (get some therapy if you have any available) and start fresh. You are YOUNG! That is a gift. There will be plenty of women that will come in your life. Use this as an opportunity to learn to stay away from nutters like this. There are billions of people in the world. Some of them are totally messed up. Some of them are more messed up than this chick. Some of them are less messed up. A lot are totally healthy. And that is what you deserve. There are tons of chicks out there. Go out and have some fun. THIS GIRL IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Good on you for moving on. Stick to your boundaries. Don't let her back into your life. She is sick. And she isn't your problem. Focus on your school. There are probably a ton of hot chicks you can meet there. Focus on that. You'll be OK!
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paperlung
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2013, 12:41:00 AM »

Thank you for replying, it means a lot.

I have changed my number number and email address already. I know for a fact she has tried calling me on my cell because otherwise she wouldn't of called my house number. So she still can call that number, unfortunately.

It really hurt looking at her on cam. I saw her on her phone texting, probably with that guy, she had such a big smile on her face. How could she move on so fast? She's known this guy for two weeks, met him once (he drove 18 hours up here to see her for I don't know how many days), and now is going to go live in Utah with him?
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Surnia
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« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2013, 01:39:52 AM »



Hi Paperlung

And yes, what a story that brought you here! I really feel sorry for you. 

Like others said, she is really in messed up, her addiction to meds, her cam job... .  

You cannot save her, and even if she would really work on herself, it would be a long long way for her.

Be careful with the camera thing. Perhaps you can stay away from it. You get hurt watching her.

Do you have friends or projects bringing you some time of distraction?
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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
paperlung
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« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2013, 02:51:23 AM »

There's so much wrong with; her anxiety/agoraphobia, depression, eating disorder, the cutting, her pill addiction, her job, and now she's been diagnosed with BPD.

Watching her on cam was stupid, I know. I won't do it again; it just made me feel worse. I gotta stop checking on her or else I'll never move on.

I don't have many friends, and it didn't help that I dated her for close to a year and half because she took up all my time. I'm actually catching up with an old buddy of mine on Saturday, though. Ironically, the last day I saw him was the same day I met my ex. I also have a friend living in another province who I consider my best friend. I actually was talking to him about my situation a little while ago; he's got my back. Other then that... .  I just got the gym, work, and school.

I made a list of reasons this morning why I don't want to be with her/would ever want her back. Helps me realize I can do much better.

- Lied to me about having a job

- Her inability to go out on her own (made me do everything with her, or made me do it for her)

- Her verbal and physical abuse

- Manipulated me

- Controlled me

- Used me

- Super needy

- Her depression

- Selfish

- Very jealous

- Cheated on me

- Her job

- Broke my heart

- Made me miss many classes because she "needed me"

- Rarely every said thank you or showed gratitude

- Doesn't take care of herself

- Addicted to pills

- Bad memory

- The mood swings

- Cut herself

- Not feed herself

- Lay in bed all day and do nothing

But despite all this, why do I feel sad and angry? Why does it bother me that she can so easily just move on to someone else and talk about moving to the States to be with somebody she hasn't even known for 2 weeks? And before that, there was that whole 40-year-old from England saga, too. Can somebody please tell me she's crazy and that I can do better. Why did I put up with this damaged person for so long? Is there something wrong with me? Do you think she'll try contacting me again saying she made a mistake like she has previously? Do you think she'll actually go ahead with moving to the states? She doesn't even have a passport yet, so I'm guessing that's still a little ways away.
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Surnia
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« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2013, 04:27:11 AM »

Your sadness and anger are just normal emotional reactions about a shattered rs like yours. And it is also normal that it changes, sometimes you feel more sadness, sometimes more anger. Be kind with yourself. 

Yes, it is hard in the beginning, your Gf is jumping in the next rs while your are grieving... .  its hard to bear. In long therm thinking, grieving is healthier than the push/pull/cheating kind of rs.

Perhaps you may look at our Lessons on the right about the five stages of Detachment ---->
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« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2013, 07:25:56 AM »

Run, and run fast and never look back.

Find your self worth, ask why you allowed her to abuse you and take it this far.

You sound like a stand up guy and you're young, meet a nice girl at school and forget about this girl. Don't let her ruin your life, that isn't love at all, just pure abuse.

Be better than that and respect yourself as such.
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paperlung
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« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2013, 04:29:45 PM »

How is it that she can so easily and quickly move on to somebody else? And also fall in love so easily and want to already move to another country to be with this person? What is the matter with her... .  
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« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2013, 05:25:40 PM »

How is it that she can so easily and quickly move on to somebody else? And also fall in love so easily and want to already move to another country to be with this person? What is the matter with her... .  

BPD man, there's your answer.

Do you look at a person in a wheel chair and wonder why they don't walk? Some just can't.

Some people just can't care on the same level as others.

I'm sorry for your broken heart pain, but you're better off, she would have taken you down with her and ruined your life.
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« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2013, 11:48:26 PM »

You're right, she would've just brought me down; that is exactly what she was doing. A part of me knew deep down that the longer I stayed, the worse off I'd be; she wasn't wife-material, let alone girlfriend-material. It felt like I was her parent instead of a boyfriend, but I stayed and hoped she would get better with my help. Now she's running off to be with some new guy from another country, sheesh... .  Why did this have to happen to me?
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« Reply #12 on: March 22, 2013, 04:51:55 PM »

I just hate the fact that while I'm suffering, posting on this message, she is in complete La-La Land right now, thinking she has found the man of her dreams. A man she has only known for 2 weeks, who she met off the internet (on a porn site, actually), who lives in another country... .  he's already driven up here (18 hours) and spent the weekend with her, now she's planning on living in the States with him?
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« Reply #13 on: March 22, 2013, 05:06:17 PM »

She will suffer the cycle the rest of her life, you don't have to, you have the knowledge and power to break the cycle of your own life as no one else can do it for us
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« Reply #14 on: March 22, 2013, 06:21:56 PM »

I second AfterDeath.

Seriously dude. You are way, way better off than she is. You are young. You are in school. You will do well. You will get a job. You will meet a great girl. You will survive and you will thrive (as long as you don't get involved with your ex or anyone like that... .  heed the lesson you learned here... .  ).

She is a messed up person and will cycle through this torment for a very long time until she gets some serious, serious help. Seriously. Dude. You are in a much, much better place. Yes. She might be in LaLa land. But that LaLa land is not a happy place. For real. This man will not be the man of her dreams. It will be a complete ___ show. Make sure you aren't around the find out.

To good news for you is that you never, ever have to have any contact with this person, you never need to ever hear about her, you never need to see her again. She can vanish from you life and will soon vanish from your mind.
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« Reply #15 on: March 23, 2013, 02:27:34 AM »

I second AfterDeath.

Seriously dude. You are way, way better off than she is. You are young. You are in school. You will do well. You will get a job. You will meet a great girl. You will survive and you will thrive (as long as you don't get involved with your ex or anyone like that... .  heed the lesson you learned here... .  ).

I know I am better of than she is, but even still... .  My life has and will probably always be better than her's. All I ever wanted was to help her overcome her anxiety and depression so she could function normally; go back to school, get educated, get a real job (she dreamed of working with animals), be able to go out on her own, make friends... .  These were things I thought SHE wanted as well because, well, those were the things she was depressed about, after all. But I know her childhood really traumatized her; she was neglected pretty badly growing up. That was something I couldn't help her fix. She had so much anger towards her parents and I know she doesn't love them.

Excerpt
She is a messed up person and will cycle through this torment for a very long time until she gets some serious, serious help. Seriously. Dude. You are in a much, much better place. Yes. She might be in LaLa land. But that LaLa land is not a happy place. For real. This man will not be the man of her dreams. It will be a complete ___ show. Make sure you aren't around the find out.

I remember when I was apparently the man of her dreams. Then the man of her dreams was some guy twice her age from England. Now it's this dude from Utah. Just... .  what the hell.

I still remember the first time she broke up with me (this was maybe 5 months in); it was via text late one evening. She said she didn't feel a "spark" anymore. This really bewildered me because things were going well between us. It just came out of left field. But then the next day, she's like, "I don't know what I was thinking. You know me and what I can get like when I'm depressed."

But then, a couple of months later, she broke it off with me again randomly. What led to it? Well... .  by this time she had already started web camming and supposedly one night while she was working from her bedroom and I was at my place she was talking this guy one-on-one casually and I guess really enjoyed the conversation.

So her reasons again were, "No spark. No connection. We're just too different. Can't relate." And of course the next day I get a call from her saying she was sorry and that she didn't know what she was thinking. But after the second time, I started to believe that it would happen again... .  and, well, it did... .  with that guy from England. And again, before we broke up and before he came to see her, she fed me the same lines, "No spark. We can't relate. Too different."

I don't know... .  I don't know what I was missing that led her to do that repeatedly. I was so good to this girl. But it never seemed to be enough for her. If I were to tell her I was staying home after work instead of coming over to spend the night with her it was always, "You don't care about me. You're abandoning me." It drove me crazy. Every time I wanted space she made me feel guilty. She was soo needy, gah.

Excerpt
To good news for you is that you never, ever have to have any contact with this person, you never need to ever hear about her, you never need to see her again. She can vanish from you life and will soon vanish from your mind.

Over a week ago when I emailed her to say that I was changing my number and deleting my email address, she sent me a text saying something like, "Just pretend I was dead. Like a ghost in this world who doesn't exist." Thought that was rather dark and depressing. But I know at least right now she's probably doing all right, at least she thinks she is, with all these crazy plans of her's.

I'll always miss that sweet, shy, vulnerable girl I fell in love with. I thought I was going to be with her for a long time. It's ironic. She was so worried that I would leave her, and yet she was the one who destroyed the relationship and caused it to end.

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« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2013, 02:32:48 AM »

Paperlung, you are a knight at heart, now go find a real lady, not a damsel in distress, but a valiant lady and partner.
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« Reply #17 on: March 23, 2013, 06:25:08 PM »

I think I might've been the cause for what has most recently happened; her rejecting my help after originally wanting it and then jumping straight into new relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away. Let me explain.

So after the man from England left for a second time, the deal was that I would help her get help and we would try and repair our relationship slowly as she got better.

I mentioned to my ex last month one day at her place how there was this girl from my school who liked me and wanted to hang out and my ex didn't take it well. She immediately started asking me a bunch of questions like, "How did you meet her? What is she like? What does she look like?" -- I could sense her insecurity. I told my ex that she liked hockey and fitness; two things I am into and my ex isn't. So then my ex says, "Well! I guess you finally found your perfect girl! Get the F out my house now, you prick!" Meanwhile, I was trying to explain to her that I wasn't seeing her or was going to see her, I just wanted to mention the awkward situation I'm in. My ex told me to tell this girl that I couldn't see her because I was trying to work things out with my ex.

What I'm thinking is that she was afraid that eventually I was going to abandon her for this new girl or somebody else, so instead, she breaks it off me.

There were other times when she would say things to me like, "I bet when YOU move out/YOU have kids/YOU get married you'll... .  " -- It made me feel like she had no intention of being with ME in the future. So one night I made the effort to say something similar to her, "Maybe I'll meet my future wife while I'm studying to become a physiotherapist." Her response, "Wow... .  thanks."

It probably didn't help that I wasn't being very affectionate towards her, but then again, why should I have been? We weren't in a relationship anymore/she broke my heart/the plan was she just wanted to focus on getting better, but still... .  I know she wanted that loving attention, and I wasn't giving it to her.

There was another time when I was over she was acting all depressed and told me it was because she was on this forum exclusively for cam models like her and there was thread called "Post a picture of you and your boyfriend" -- seeing pictures of seemingly happy couples upset her. So what do I do? I tell her that she should go look for somebody on POF again if she is feeling that lonely. She then tells me to go home after that. Minutes later she hides under the covers (we were in her bed) and says, "Can we be boyfriend and girlfriend again?" I pull the blanket off her, look at her and say, "Look, I love you a lot. But right now, it simply just cannot work. You need to get help first. I'm willing to wait. Please don't think I'll leave you for somebody else." Minutes later I ask her where that came from and she told me to just forget about it.

So... .  what I'm trying to get at is she probably thought I was going to leave her so she found somebody else.



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« Reply #18 on: March 24, 2013, 03:46:44 AM »

Well... .  we can pretend that her behavior was all your fault.  I don't recommend it.
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« Reply #19 on: March 24, 2013, 05:16:19 PM »

I know. I just realized that this latest incident seemed to transpire the day after I started to play her game with sayings like, "Yeah, well, when I move out, it'll probably be with someone. Like A girlfriend." We went to bed on a sour note that night, but she actually stayed up well into the morning. She might've started talking to that guy while I was sleeping in her room. It was then that her defense mechanism probably kicked and so she sought out somebody new before I left her, which I wasn't going to do. I was pretty serious about getting her help so we could have a normal, healthy relationship. Oh well... .
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« Reply #20 on: March 24, 2013, 05:50:01 PM »

But despite all this, why do I feel sad and angry? Why does it bother me that she can so easily just move on to someone else and talk about moving to the States to be with somebody she hasn't even known for 2 weeks? And before that, there was that whole 40-year-old from England saga, too. Can somebody please tell me she's crazy and that I can do better.

Because you are trying to find rational logical explanations for the things a person does who doesn't operate rationally or logically.  Likewise you are assuming that she can feel the depths of emotional attachment and subsequent loss the same way you can/are.  Simply put you're sad and pissed that she is either incapable or unwilling to reciprocate anything and everything you've given her.  It's unfair!  She's crazy for all the ways you listed and all the deeper ways those things imply.  You can definitely do better.  I mean the bar is pretty low if you step back and look at it.  A non addict/agoraphobe/sex-industry-worker shouldn't be too hard to find.
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« Reply #21 on: March 24, 2013, 08:21:53 PM »

Isn't it crazy? If I do take a step back and properly evaluate her and the relationship, I realize just how terrible it ways; heck no, I really don't want to be with an addict who works as a cam model and has more than one mental disorder going on. I CAN do better. I think her being my first love makes it more painful, though. To be honest, if I had more experience with women before meeting her, I probably wouldn't of let things spiral so out of control.
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« Reply #22 on: March 24, 2013, 10:54:51 PM »

Paperlung:  Something in your post, just between the lines is where your light shines bright.  I saw the words, I read through them and it seemed to me that the words your wrote, the little black squirly lines on a light background are like an iron scroll work.  It does not hide your shine.

You are an awesome dude (the slang does not suit me because I am a mother of two teenagers)... . but you get the point.

Your analysis of the situation, your reactions to her, your feelings, your emotions, your own youth and inexperience... . it all just bears witness to your intellect and courage.  You have the courage to explore something, realize that it is harmful and dysfunctional and downright unethical.  Mental disorder does not make harmful and unethical behavior acceptable.  You ought to be more forgiving if you saw her take steps to overcome her disorder.  However, she is not.  These coping mechanisms have served her well for all her life.  Why would she change now? 

Sadly your love is not a cure for a mental disorder.

Yet, your heart hurts.  Your hurt reflects your own humanity and your capacity to love.

Be proud that you have this capacity for pain.  Be proud of your altruistic impulse.

And also realize that under certain conditions, all your altruism and all your efforts and all your good intentions will be of no avail.

Mental disorder explains her behavior.  Mental disorder does not make her behavior acceptable.  This is a strong and subtle difference.  I think that you are coming to understand this dichotomy... .

It is o.k. to love her despite her disorder... . it is not o.k. to become a victim of anyone's mental disorder. 

You are as much God's creature as she is.  Your value is as much as hers in the eyes of God.  Your altruism for another person should not be at the cost of altruism for yourself.  This is not selfishness, nor is it abandonment of a suffering person.  You are not turning your back on a suffering person.  You are simply realizing that while you can love her, you cannot cure her illness.  You are in the process of understanding and accepting your own limitations.

You can be a loving person to her... . you cannot be a clinician who can save her from herself.  And what she is looking for and will continue to look for over and over and over and over and over and over... . the one knight in the shining armor who will rescue her from her own suffering.

Sadly, only she can do it.

Sadly, you cannot.

Once you begin to understand your own limitations... . you can perhaps begin to lose the guilt you have about "abandoning" her.

God bless.
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« Reply #23 on: March 25, 2013, 12:36:13 AM »

Thank you for your reply, pallavirajsinghani.

You can be a loving person to her... . you cannot be a clinician who can save her from herself.  And what she is looking for and will continue to look for over and over and over and over and over and over... . the one knight in the shining armor who will rescue her from her own suffering.

Sigh... . ain't that the truth. The last time I saw her was 2 weeks ago when she told me about this new guy she'd been talking to on the internet for the past 2 days. She told me, and I'm paraphrasing here, "I don't need help. I don't need therapy or medication. Those things aren't going to give me a real family or a loving, caring boyfriend."

So yeah, in her mind, I do believe all she thinks she needs right now is a new knight to rescue her. To love her, cater to her, and all that stuff.
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« Reply #24 on: March 25, 2013, 01:21:48 AM »

You are a really good writer.  Do you do any creative writing?  Anyway, it's ok if you relapse and check her cam and whatnot.  You cared for her - hard not to think about exes sometimes.  And really, she hasn't completely 'moved on' just because she likes this new guy.  She's just got mental problems.  I think you are lucky that she let you go.  There is nothing wrong with having been with her as long as you were - you're human, she probably had her good qualities.  You will do much better in life, so just be glad you loved her and don't feel bad.  We all have nutty exes. 
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paperlung
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« Reply #25 on: March 25, 2013, 01:51:39 AM »

Really? You think I'm a good writer? Thank you. I never thought of myself as one, haha. I actually have to take an academic writing course this summer which I'm nervous about. Just knowing that somebody is going to be grading what I write really stresses me out.

There's something I'd also like to mention about my story. Last month my ex actually called up psychic because she was feeling curious about the whole thing. I can't remember everything my ex told me about the phone call, but these are the important points I want to share.

The psychic told her that neither the man from England, her first ex-boyfriend, or I were not going to be her significant other in the future. For the record, the psychic wasn't aware we existed already, my ex mentioned us to her (the psychic).

The psychic also told my ex to be on the look out for "fire signs". Apparently some of the horoscope signs are fire ones? I don't know. But her future lover would be one apparently.

Another thing the psychic told my ex was that she didn't see her staying or living in her condo past April.

Why do I mention this? Because she has found a new man (I can't confirm that his zodiac sign is a fire one) and is planning on staying with him Utah for a while.

Maybe it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy; something she currently believes is destiny and that the psychic was in fact right all along, even though she didn't buy into the psychic's fortune originally.



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« Reply #26 on: March 25, 2013, 01:55:53 AM »

As for checking up on her, I haven't done so now for three days. I'm on my laptop a lot, and I know it's just a click away, but I've refrained myself so far. Last time it really hurt me and set me back a bit, so it's out of sight/out of mind for me all the way now.
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« Reply #27 on: March 25, 2013, 08:56:33 AM »

Yeah, you are a really good writer, and speller too.

She has so little money but she works with a psychic?  And actually listens to her psychic?  I think you need a girl who's in reality, and who appreciates that you're a great guy.
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« Reply #28 on: March 25, 2013, 09:29:44 AM »

Well... . actually, my ex could make upwards to $6,000 a month if she worked long and hard enough doing the cam thing. So money never really was an issue for her.
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« Reply #29 on: March 25, 2013, 12:28:54 PM »

paperlung -  Her choices, her behavior, her responsibility.

                  Your choices, your behavior, your responsibility.

Yes, you are a good writer. The academic writing probably isn't really your "thing."  Academic writing is just about finding a connection (three things) and backing that connection up with evidence (citations) from the text.  It is very predictable and rather boring in a way, unless you are able to uncover some unexpected connections. 

Your writing has good voice and natural organization.  Voice is something that is difficult to teach and difficult to get rid of in academic writing.
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