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Author Topic: My BPD Ex-Girlfriend (A long, sad, and painful story)  (Read 29822 times)
paperlung
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« Reply #60 on: March 31, 2013, 11:44:13 PM »

Paperlung, I understand you feel down. But keep in mind its the same movie again, you already watched it. She will repeat the "I was never this happy" for every new bf... .   Its not about you, its abt her disorder. And its about what you will do from now on to avoid being hurt again. Wish u luck.

Thanks, cristina. I really do gotta keep reminding myself that.

I'm also starting to see now how she mirrored people. We got along great when we first met, seemed to have quite a bit in common, never argued, ect. But after she started talking to that guy from England on the internet, I started to notice her options/values/beliefs change. Before meeting him, she would talk getting married someday and having children. But then after spending so much time talking to that guy from England, she started to think more anti-marriage and kids, and that is how the English man felt on the subject. She also started getting into his culture, started reading about philosophers; stuff he was into. She liked how he was apparently very "intelligent". My ex was always very anti-religious and said she could never be with someone who was. Which leads me to the new guy from Utah. He grew up Mormon, has tons of brothers and sisters, and as far know, is still a believer in Jesus Christ. I found his Facebook and saw him wearing a cross in a couple photos and he liked a page called "Jesus The Christ", so... .   I don't quite understand what my ex is thinking all of sudden. Just seems weird to me.

She always felt like she couldn't relate to me because we grew up differently; I had loving parents and happy childhood and she didn't. And that made her uncomfortable around my small family; I just have two brothers. Well, this guy from Utah grew up Mormon, has a HUGE, happy family (I saw from FB). So... .   what gives? What's different? I don't see how she wouldn't feel awkward around his much larger family if they were to meet.

I just can't comprehend this LDR working. Just what the hell is going on in her head? Just last month she was asking to be my boyfriend again, calling that guy from England her soul mate? Now this... .   Mind=Blown
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paperlung
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« Reply #61 on: April 01, 2013, 03:46:12 AM »

She's apparently going to Utah with him in May. Sheesh! They sure move fast.

Still a month away, though. Wonder if she'll have a change of heart. I just can't see my really anxious, agoraphobic ex traveling from Canada to Utah by car for 16+ hours to stay in a country she's never been to before, far, far away from her safe house here. If she does go through with it, then I underestimated her.
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momtara
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« Reply #62 on: April 01, 2013, 09:46:33 AM »

Probably her new boyfriend will be on here posting, staring in May.   
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Louise7777
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« Reply #63 on: April 01, 2013, 12:27:23 PM »

LOL Montara!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Paperlung, I still believe you worry too much about her. Look at what you wrote: her, she, hers... .   Way more than I, me, mine... .   Im not criticizing you, we all been through that in r/s (even without a BPDso).

I know its easier said than done, but focus on you, on your needs, on your wishes and desires.

Why do they behave like that? There is no logical explanation! Dont forget BPDs have no inner life, they feel hollow, so they have to create a stir, to "shake the boat"... .   They like to create fights and wild situations. Im not surprised she is doing the opposite of what she ever told you. Its their MO. Dont go crazy trying to figure it out. Forget abt her facebook (I know, easier said than done!), her guy´s fb... .   Wish u the best. 
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sad but wiser
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Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #64 on: April 01, 2013, 01:12:12 PM »

My dear paperlung,

What does he have that you don't have?  A history with her.  That is it!  He doesn't set off her triggers - at least not yet.  He will, though.  It is inevitable.

Do you really want the chaos back?  If you get recycled, you will be wonderful and perfect for a couple of weeks again. (Your great and noble rescuer period)  Then it will be back to the chaos and probably worse than before.  You deserve better.  Really.  Yeah, I know.  That "you deserve" thing sets all of us nonBPD people on edge like fingernails on a chalkboard.  We feel like we have to earn what we get. 

How about that family of yours?  I bet they feel pretty relieved that she is leaving the country.  They may even try to set you up with a reasonable girl or two.  And here you are, emotionally dry as a bone, right?  They say it gets better.  After a time.  After a long time... .  
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paperlung
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« Reply #65 on: April 01, 2013, 06:39:51 PM »

LOL Montara!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Paperlung, I still believe you worry too much about her. Look at what you wrote: her, she, hers... .   Way more than I, me, mine... .   Im not criticizing you, we all been through that in r/s (even without a BPDso).

I know its easier said than done, but focus on you, on your needs, on your wishes and desires.

Why do they behave like that? There is no logical explanation! Dont forget BPDs have no inner life, they feel hollow, so they have to create a stir, to "shake the boat"... .   They like to create fights and wild situations. Im not surprised she is doing the opposite of what she ever told you. Its their MO. Dont go crazy trying to figure it out. Forget abt her facebook (I know, easier said than done!), her guy´s fb... .   Wish u the best. 

You would definitely be correct in that assumption; I am still worrying about her too much. She became like my daughter (weird, right?) and I looked after her as she was very needy and incapable of doing many times. She's not even with me anymore! I need to stop caring/worrying somehow.

I gotta stop looking as well, gah! I actually went a week without doing it, but then it just started happening again... .    
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paperlung
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« Reply #66 on: April 01, 2013, 06:49:56 PM »

My dear paperlung,

What does he have that you don't have?  A history with her.  That is it!  He doesn't set off her triggers - at least not yet.  He will, though.  It is inevitable.

Do you really want the chaos back?  If you get recycled, you will be wonderful and perfect for a couple of weeks again. (Your great and noble rescuer period)  Then it will be back to the chaos and probably worse than before.  You deserve better.  Really.  Yeah, I know.  That "you deserve" thing sets all of us nonBPD people on edge like fingernails on a chalkboard.  We feel like we have to earn what we get. 

How about that family of yours?  I bet they feel pretty relieved that she is leaving the country.  They may even try to set you up with a reasonable girl or two.  And here you are, emotionally dry as a bone, right?  They say it gets better.  After a time.  After a long time... .  

I think she may have wanted a clean slate; to be "done" with me and the man from England because she screwed with us both mentally a lot. Something she even admitted to doing and said felt guilty about.

My family is stunned. Never saw her as the type to do something like this else. If anything, they just feel sorry for her. They also don't believe her new relationship will last forever, neither do I, but it still messes with my head a bit. As for leaving the country, she's only going there to visit for a while, so she'll be back.
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Louise7777
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« Reply #67 on: April 01, 2013, 09:11:14 PM »

Paperlung, you are right, she became like your daughter. From what I have read, you looked like a nurse, caretaker, chauffeur and more... .   I wonder what you were getting from this relationship. Seems to me you did all and she didnt appreciate, cheated on you, etc... .  

My question to you is> what made you get into that? Why u turned urself from bf to caretaker? Lets focus on u. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Happened to me before, thats why I feel free to ask you, I have been there! With a drug-addict bf, who was very VERY selfish and had a way on manipulate people. The r/s lasted for 4 months, but was enough to make me clinically depressed. Thats why I told you to run and never look back. For ur own sanity, for ur own future. I will tell u honestly: they are vampires! They use u, suck ur energy and leave u when someone seems to be a better choice at the moment.

At some point in the future you will be happy she left. I hope that moment arrives fast. 
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paperlung
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« Reply #68 on: April 01, 2013, 09:36:37 PM »

Paperlung, you are right, she became like your daughter. From what I have read, you looked like a nurse, caretaker, chauffeur and more... .   I wonder what you were getting from this relationship. Seems to me you did all and she didnt appreciate, cheated on you, etc... .  

My question to you is> what made you get into that? Why u turned urself from bf to caretaker? Lets focus on u. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I've thought about what I was getting out of the relationship many, many times, and this is all I was able to come up with.

- Sex

- She'd make me dinner sometimes when I came over (she complained about it though because I never did it for her; I can't cook)

- Companionship; someone to go out and do things with (her depression and anxiety made it difficult though)

She really didn't bring much to the table.

And you're right, she didn't appreciate me enough. She rarely ever thanked me for anything I did for her. It used to upset me so much. Would've felt so good to just hear her say while looking at me, "Thank you so much for everything that you do for me. You are such a wonderful person and I love you." Sigh

How or why I turned from BF to caretaker? Well, I didn't have much choice if I wanted to be with her. That's just who she was; a broken, needy, helpless little girl who needed somebody to save her, and I took on that task. I remained patient and continued to hope that one day she would overcome her problems with some sort of therapy/medication, but it never happened. The relationship never took off and got better.

Excerpt
Happened to me before, thats why I feel free to ask you, I have been there! With a drug-addict bf, who was very VERY selfish and had a way on manipulate people. The r/s lasted for 4 months, but was enough to make me clinically depressed. Thats why I told you to run and never look back. For ur own sanity, for ur own future. I will tell u honestly: they are vampires! They use u, suck ur energy and leave u when someone seems to be a better choice at the moment.

At some point in the future you will be happy she left. I hope that moment arrives fast.  

I did feel emotionally drained. Like I said, she demanded I see her every evening after school/work. But sometimes I'd like some space to do my own thing, you know? So since I couldn't get that space away from her, I would at her place. I wouldn't say I ignored her purposely, but I'd go into my own little bubble sometimes with my laptop and just watch my shows. She started to think I didn't care about her anymore, which was her explanation as to why she sought out the man from England. I tried to explain to her that she was wearing me down, and she didn't argue that, but it was too late it seemed. She wanted to meet him... .   and you know the rest.

If she had her own social life, friends, a loving family to go visit, went to school, she probably wouldn't of found it necessary to see me ALL the time. But since she was basically living like a hermit, she was very alone and needed me around a lot. It was very emotionally exhausting for me.
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Louise7777
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« Reply #69 on: April 01, 2013, 10:54:38 PM »

Well paperlung, seems to me you are improving. I did ask myself what I was getting from that relationship (cause I knew what i was giving) and it was close to zero.

I can tell you that above all, you didnt get PEACE OF MIND. Because, unless you are a doormat, you cant have any happiness or peace of mind when in a relationship with a "vampire". They are takers. Sometimes (only sometimes) they throw you a bone. Small, half-eaten bone. Thats all you will get. But its enough to keep you there  Amd your self-steem goes downhill in the process.

Not only she didnt appreciate you, she cheated on you. I find it evil. They have some pleasure posing as victims and then betraying in a sly way.

Im sorry, I know you dont want to hear that, but you need a reality check (like I needed, many years ago). Take her behaviour (and your behaviour) has a lesson that you shouldnt repeat ever again. Find people who are healthy, who can be good to you, thats a real relationship (even regarding friends). 
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sad but wiser
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Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #70 on: April 02, 2013, 02:01:18 PM »

Excerpt
They are takers. Sometimes (only sometimes) they throw you a bone. Small, half-eaten bone.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) It is so true, cristina - you made me laugh!
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Louise7777
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« Reply #71 on: April 02, 2013, 03:01:45 PM »

Sad but wiser, Im glad I did.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

My Ebglish can be bizarre sometimes. 
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paperlung
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« Reply #72 on: April 03, 2013, 02:55:11 AM »

Well paperlung, seems to me you are improving. I did ask myself what I was getting from that relationship (cause I knew what i was giving) and it was close to zero.

I can tell you that above all, you didnt get PEACE OF MIND. Because, unless you are a doormat, you cant have any happiness or peace of mind when in a relationship with a "vampire". They are takers. Sometimes (only sometimes) they throw you a bone. Small, half-eaten bone. Thats all you will get. But its enough to keep you there  Amd your self-steem goes downhill in the process.

Not only she didnt appreciate you, she cheated on you. I find it evil. They have some pleasure posing as victims and then betraying in a sly way.

Im sorry, I know you dont want to hear that, but you need a reality check (like I needed, many years ago). Take her behaviour (and your behaviour) has a lesson that you shouldnt repeat ever again. Find people who are healthy, who can be good to you, thats a real relationship (even regarding friends).  

You know... .   last October (2012) she didn't even bother getting me a card or a gift for my birthday (well actually she did buy me something weeks later to make up for it, but still). I got her a birthday card, a gift card, and some flowers. What did she do? "I don't like these flowers, they're ugly. Why did you get me a gift card? You should've just given me money." T_T I don't think she could've been less thankful that day. This was also around the time she started messing around with buddy from England on cam/caught feelings for him.

October was special for us because our birthdays were only a day apart. The October before that when we were still in the honeymoon phase (I guess) she got us a special custom birthday cake made, went out OWN HER OWN to get my presents, which really impressed me because that was actually the ONLY time while we dated that she went by herself.

It's just little stuff like that that remind me how little appreciation she showed sometimes for somebody who would do ANYTHING to make her happy. Like I said, I used to do a lot of her grocery shopping for her because she was either "too tired or too sick or too weak" to do it. I'd come walking up the stairs with like 4 heavy bags in each hand then be made to put all the food away either in the fridge or cupboard for her. And rarely would she ever remember to say thanks. Would make me so mad. I'd say to her sarcastically, "You're welcome" and she'd say, "Oh, I forgot" or "I was going to!".

My parents and even grandparents treated her so nicely too and would buy her gifts for her condo to help her out (they thought she was just barely getting by, they didn't know about her cam job). I'd end up brining over what they bought her a lot of the time and she wouldn't even care, she'd just be like, "Oh, what's that? Oh, okay." Nothing ever like, "Oh my gosh, your family is so nice and kind. Tell them I said thanks!" Just so concept of gratitude whatsoever. In her crazy head, she thought my family judged her, looked down on her. Thought I deserved more, which wasn't true at all. So she avoided seeing my family for dinner a lot of the time with excuses.

I'm still constantly shifting between anger and sadness when I think about her, which is a lot.
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Surnia
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« Reply #73 on: April 03, 2013, 09:37:56 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached the page limit and is now locked.  Feel free to pick one of the topics from the thread to start a new one.

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