She's at it again...

[tunaniel]

It's been WEEKS since I was on this site.  Everything with my uBPD Mom seemed to have settled since the previous 'episode'.  Life resumes to normal, and I just wait for signs of the tides changing. Well... .  it seems it's time again, and I find myself wanting support from people who truly understand.

My Mom fell on the ice 2 days ago.  While she criticises me for texting her, she decided to use a text as a way of informing me.  I responded 2 hours later.  NOTHING.  I called several times.  NOTHING.  I later called me brother to see if he had any info.  He said that Mom was blowing the situation out of proportion as usual, and told me not to worry.  I continued to call the following day... .  no answer.  This evening, she TEXTED me again and said that if I cared so much about her, I wouldn't have waited for 2 hours to respond to her text! REALLY? Am I supposed to be waiting by the phone for texts all day? My husband told me to ignore it.  She later texted again and said that if I thought she'd been ignoring all my calls (OF COURSE she was!) that I was wrong... .  and I had NO IDEA how awful the past couple of days had been.

EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY.  That's what it is.  She makes a desperate cry for attention, and yet her avoidance/hiding from others forces me to ignore her; the very thing she doesn't want.  I immediately felt my level of anxiety go through the roof.  That's what she does to me.  I sometimes want nothing to do with her.

HELP! Advice?

[j4c]

Hi tunaniel. Sorry to hear this is going on in your life.

Im pretty sure you dont need me to tell you you're fighting a bit of a losing battle here. What would've happened if you'd responded to her text within a minute? There'd be something else you didn't do correctly... .  right?

I think you've hit the nail on the head regarding emotional immaturity. With pwBPD, a huge drama is only a split second away and in your mums case it was the slip on the ice. Although if your mums anything like my ex there would be a stewards enquiry out on whether she actually fell & it wasn't some desperate attempt at attention seeking.

[sad but wiser]

Hey there tunaniel - yes, the hard times really are hard with someone like your mom.  It is always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It is funny in a pathetic sort of way, because eventually you can almost predict when the next big drama will come.  Ah, wait for it, wait for it... . sure enough, there it is!  At least you understand it, so it doesn't hit you blindside anymore.

Remember, you control your life, and her life is not your fault.  I repeat, her life is not your fault. 

Don't feel badly about thinking it would be easier if she were out of your life - that is just your long-buried healthy side kicking in. 

[Clearmind]

EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY.  That's what it is.  She makes a desperate cry for attention, and yet her avoidance/hiding from others forces me to ignore her; the very thing she doesn't want.  I immediately felt my level of anxiety go through the roof.  That's what she does to me.  I sometimes want nothing to do with her.

Yes tunaniel, it certainly sounds like she has trouble balancing her emotions.

We can however exercise some emotional maturity and not allow it to affect us on an emotional level - but rather - look at the facts of what is happening here.

Mom us dysregulated and she will use all in sundry to self-soothe - not your fault - I tend to agree with Hubbie - ignore it.

Our BPD parents are impulsive - quick to react - if we are also quick to react - it can lead to a whole lotta un-neccessary drama.

If Mom creates drama - step aside - best not to react or counter-attack - due to her impulsive nature she will likely settle herself as quick as she herself reacted. We don't need to justify or explain - you know what actions you have taken, your mom needs to self soothe on her own - ignore it and she will be required to calm herself down - this is actually helping her.

Does that make sense tunaniel?

[mindfulness]

AHH, felt like I could have written this post myself. My uBPD mom is exactly the same way. It is really remarkable how they can turn the most minor things like text messages into big issues. Most recently my mom was mad at me because I was calling her from work to talk, instead of in the evening when I got home, when I was cooking and eating dinner and trying to relax. She claimed I only wanted to talk to her "on my schedule" when it was "convenient for me." Never mind the fact that I was even making these daily hour long phone calls in the first place (which no one else I know done with their parents), so that I could just listen to her go on and on and on about her problems. No, it's not enough of a sacrifice. I also have to do it at the TIME she wants to prove how much I love her.

That's what it is. Everything is about proving your undying love and devotion to them. And yet while all they want is for you to prove that, they set up unrealistic situations where you will have no choice but to fail, thus proving the exact opposite of what they want. And if you point out that the situation was a set-up to begin with -- well, god forbid.

Seriously. Classic BPD. I feel the pain. Are you in therapy? I've found it extremely helpful for learning to deal with the anxiety that comes up in situations like this, as you mentioned.