Freshstart, we model our relationship skills from our parents/primary care givers. My parents are also separated and I certainly know what a bearing that placed on my own relationship choices.
I needed to be needed because my own family unit was fragmented and invalidating.
1) What did you mean about boundries in regards to sex on the first date? My understanding is that is a trait of many BPO folks. I agree it's not the best avenue to have sex on the first meeting but sometimes sexual chemistry (and alcohol) do this to us! Lol
On the first date – your partner is a stranger to you. You didn’t know her.
I probably don’t need to tell you that it takes two to consent to sex! If we value ourselves and want to inquire about whether a person is right for us, for the long haul, we generally don’t jump into bed quickly. What it does do is build up our ego rather than bed down (pardon the pun) any real connectedness or foundation for a healthy relationship.
Jumping into bed quickly, shows a lack of boundaries around sex. Boundaries in a relationship are important.
If our partners were to instigate sex on the first date and we simply said “I would really like us to get to know each other” – do you think our BPD partners would have stuck around? Probably not! BPDs are boundary-less.
If it were the beginnings of a healthy relationship one or both parties would talk about boundaries – including boundaries around sex. It filters out those who will value and respect our boundaries. I certainly know that my ex thought to himself – “great this ones going to be a push over – she slept with me on the first date – not what other boundaries can I bust”
We mistake sex for love. We mistake the intensity of the sex for love – rather than looking for intimacy. Intimacy and sex are two very distinctly different things – intimacy with sex takes time to built, sex without intimacy is an act.
2) In regards to me mentioning her looks, I shared that as an example of not wanting to lose her due to her being a knock out. I agree that you need to find someone compatiable but you also have to be attracted to them first, yes? I also find your answer interesting and would you mind expanding on it? It would appear you believe I might have some self worth or self esteem issues based on that remark? Be honest, I'm in full self evaluation mode here.
My ex was very attractive. With him, I felt like Cinderella, complete with the all the coachman.
I was more interested in his looks, than his personality or whether we were compatible. Without the dazzle of magical thinking and rampant sex, his personality actually bugged me. We were completely incompatible - I didn't care - he was cute and for a time I got what I so desperately needed - validation via being idealized.
We were delighted to have attractive partners – “Look what I have on my arm”- it made us feel good.
3) quote-"We choose a partner who is an emotional equal. Your ex was no doubt emotionally immature if she is in fact BPD." Does this imply that I'm also emotionally immature as well? Why do you feel she was emotionally immature?
I am reposting a post I made a little while ago – that explains emotional immaturity.
Share your thoughts!
I would challenge the thought about emotional maturity. I agree we have compassion – probably way too much and many of us suffer from compassion fatigue. However, I see this as being different to emotional maturity.
Our relationships/partner choice is a reflection of our maturity. I’m not suggesting we are devoid of emotional maturity however it’s possible many of us hold varying degrees of emotional immaturity.
The reason many of us entered into a relationship with a Borderline is due in part to our own trauma history (BPD parent) and/or experienced an emotionally invalidating environment as children. In turn, we seek out to mask those feelings of invalidation/unworthiness via the mirroring/idealization of a Borderline.
Emotional maturity for me is the ability to see our part in the r/s dynamic, which this thread is addressing, owning that – building inner self trust, emotional control and emotional expression (good use of coping skills), exercise self validation, express autonomy and connectedness with others, protecting our core values with healthy boundaries, adapt to change while maintaining balanced emotions, don’t enter into self-sabotaging relationships, allow others to own their part and we accept ours.
On the other hand care-taking and fixing comes at a price – they put others first – leading to feeling empty, guilt-ridden, shameful, angry, anxious, afraid of rejection and abandonment – much of this is expressed throughout our posts here – we then feel emotional and physical exhaustion rather than growth.
One of the biggest benefits of finding bpdfamily.com is that we can process The Why’s on personal inventory – it really is a process! We will heal.
