Oversharing

[BlueCat]

I really welcome other stories about things like this. Knowing I'm not alone is the #1 thing that helps.

Anyway, just today it hit me how inappropriate something my mother shared was. Realizing this stuff isn't a one time deal and you're over it, huh?

So when I was a kid a friend of the family killed himself. I remember visiting him in the hospital for another suicide attempt. This time he was successful.

I know the full details of his death. I won't go into detail of course, but I not only know what he used to kill himself but specifically how he did it and some other details such as how he set up the room.

I don't know exactly when this happened but I know where I was living. So I was 12 or under. My sister 3 years younger.

My mother, as usual, didn't concern herself with what was appropriate to share with a child, she just needed to talk and her need was all that was important.

Her sharing sex stories with us (also 12 or under) I figured out was wrong quite awhile ago. I think this is the first time I've realized that her sharing such graphic details of a suicide with a child was also wrong.

I think of him every now and then and in all these years I don't think it ever occurred to me how screwed up it is that I was told all that so young. I wasn't even close to him. He was a nice guy but I barely remember him, but his suicide stuck with me. Well duh, I was told all that as a young impressionable child, of course it stuck with me.

Anyway, yeah, just one more BPD thing to process.

[ScarletOlive]

Hi BlueCat,

Mm, that must have been really tough. It's hard when you're just a young kid and you hear so many adult things, and these things do take a while to process. And my dear, you are not alone in this.   My mom used to share about her sex life and my dad too or when she was suicidal. Part of the deal is the ruminations that are common for pwBPD. She had to share with someone to get the circling thoughts out of her head. It isn't right, but it gives an explanation.

Do you have a T or someone you can talk to about these things? How do you process the memories that still come up for you?

[lipsticklibrarian]

One incident that really stuck in my mind was a time when my mother and I were visiting someone who had just had a new baby. I'm not sure if they were close friends, perhaps just people we casually knew, I was very very excited about playing with the baby. Anyway before we left my mum confided in the couple that the whole time she had been at their house she was remembering an article she had read in which a massacre had happened and a mother had hidden in a cupboard with her small baby. She had put her hand over it's mouth hoping it wouldn't make a sound and accidentally smothered it.

My mother left the house clearly thinking that what she had just said was incredible intelligent and avante guarde and that this couple were so lucky to have been in the presence of her comment.

Looking back I realise it was incredibly inappropriate but also a really horrible image to put into the heads of two people who had just had a baby and were probably feeling very protective of it.

[BlueCat]

ScarletOlive, I'm not seeing a therapist at this point. I did when I first had my breakthrough crisis but I don't feel I've needed one for awhile now. I process things now just by talking about them (instead of keeping them to myself). I'm ok But it was a piece of the puzzle for me. I never really thought about it before, you know? I'm guessing every now and then for the rest of my life I'll have an "aha" moment. It's a neverending journey

LipstickLibrarian, ah! That sounds like my mother too. Not that she said exactly that, but the type of totally inappropriate comment made with total cluelessness. Mine used to make "joking" comments about how crying children should be smothered with pillows. Yeah, BPD is a laugh riot, huh?

[tiredmommy2]

LipstickLibrarian, ah! That sounds like my mother too. Not that she said exactly that, but the type of totally inappropriate comment made with total cluelessness. Mine used to make "joking" comments about how crying children should be smothered with pillows. Yeah, BPD is a laugh riot, huh?

Neither one of you are alone.  My mother was also known for making totally inappropriate comments, then laughing about them. Even at a young age, I somehow knew that she was being inappropriate and used to feel embarrassed by what would come out of her mouth, and when I'd relay that to her, she'd snap back with something like, "What's the problem? I'm telling the truth."   It almost seems like she truly had no concept of what was acceptable and what was not. 

My mother, as usual, didn't concern herself with what was appropriate to share with a child, she just needed to talk and her need was all that was important.

My mother would routinely use me as a therapist starting from a very young age (first or second grade), and there was no topic that was off limits - work problems, relationship problems, her sex life - it was all open for discussion... .   It really didn't hit me how disgusting this was until I had children of my own. I found myself being somewhat triggered by my daughters growing up; it would kind of force me to remember what I went through at their ages.  Looking at how small or immature they were really made me wonder what the h*ll my mother ever could have been thinking. My oldest is now 17 and I still wouldn't dare discuss my sex life with her!

I'm not seeing a therapist at this point. I did when I first had my breakthrough crisis but I don't feel I've needed one for awhile now. I process things now just by talking about them (instead of keeping them to myself). I'm ok  But it was a piece of the puzzle for me. I never really thought about it before, you know? I'm guessing every now and then for the rest of my life I'll have an "aha" moment. It's a neverending journey

Same here.  I no longer have a T, but sometimes feel the need to process things by talking about them every once in a while.  It really is a neverending journey.