What is this magical 'moving on' that everyone speaks of...

[clairedair]

Our child's birthday today - was difficult to have everyone to my house for a celebration.  His extended family and mine were there. He come later (effectively avoiding my family) at the time when the party was meant to finish.  I had to ask some of his relatives to stay on so I wouldn't be alone with him and kids.

He has just got engaged and will be married in eight weeks (i.e. 6 months after our last reconciliation fell apart).

Just about everyone close to me and to him has said something along the lines of 'look on the bright side; at least now you'll be able to move on'.

I get this.  I was actually feeling quite 'free' when I heard about the wedding.  But I 'crashed' the other day after some contact and am feeling stressed and worn out.  Tonight I had to sit in the same room as him whilst he chatted and laughed and it was so surreal.   He seemed so calm and I was in pain.  He sent a text later to thank me and then mentioned taking kids away a few days.  Kids told me later that they are going to a relative of future step-mother so now all that is in my head too.

My family are desperate for me to 'move on'.  I understand that they don't want to see me suffer.  But every time they go on about this, I feel such a failure.  A failure for trying to reconcile with him when others were warning me it would end badly; a failure for still feeling so miserable and so easily discarded; a failure for knowing about BPD for years, posting here and then going back to the relationship.  Basically, a failure for not moving on.

I tend to think I am further along the road to complete detachment than I am and I get so angry with myself for still being sad.  Maybe I should ask ex about the magical moving on since he seems to have accomplished it with ease.

[wanttoknowmore]

This 'move on" business is so common with pwBPDs. After 2 years of r/s,suddenly she started chanting "I have to move on" "I got to move on"

She didnot use these words when in honeymoon or cliger phase but as soon as Hater phase come these words became so frequent.

[Cumulus]

"Lose Ten Pounds in a Week"

"Instant Millionaire"

" Get Your College Degree in Six Months"

Read any of those headlines lately. Clairedair I know exactly what you mean. I have been frustrated with myself for the same reason. Just short of two years for me and as much as I like the idea of having a new relationship I know I'm not ready, not ready to move on. I know if I lose ten pounds in a week it will just come back on, I read the statistics on what happens to most instant millionaires, I wouldn't hire anyone with a six month degree if it was traditionally a four year program. They are all things we have to work on to maintain success. And not one of them is as important as ourselves, who we are. My self took a pretty bad battering over the years. It is taking me a long time to heal it. But I will, at my speed.  I can't hurry it up nor do I want to just cover it up with pretence.

Happy birthday to your little one, how did things go for him/ her?

[BradyK]

Clairedair --

I understand how you feel! You are not a failure! Don't be so hard on yourself, on top of everything else.

My ex moved on really fast. He was married in 2 months to someone he met 3 days after we split. At that point,  all of my wonderful friends started saying the same thing: "it's actually a blessing. At least now you can move on." The thing is they are all healthy people with healthy marriages. They have NO IDEA what a BPD relationship is like! To them this was all SO crazy, that now that I knew for sure he was "crazy" and uncaring, that obviously I would get over it fast because we are obviously not a good match.

Look, it takes as long as it takes. And it's not a linear process, there are ups and downs. It is not like a regular breakup from a regular marriage/relationship. Keep the desire to move on, but don't get down on yourself if you can't make it happen quickly. Your emotions are not in sync with your thoughts or your plans to move on, but they will be eventually. It's not a bad thing to be sad. It is temporary. Just don't lose your goal of moving on.

[clairedair]

And not one of them is as important as ourselves, who we are. My self took a pretty bad battering over the years. It is taking me a long time to heal it. But I will, at my speed.  I can't hurry it up nor do I want to just cover it up with pretence.

Happy birthday to your little one, how did things go for him/ her?

Cumulus - you're right, we are important.  I'm so used to trying to meet his needs (even though I was regularly blamed for not putting his needs first).  I feel like I protected him for so long (as do others) and now all the hurt I kept inside because he either got upset or left if I really told him how his behaviour affects me is coming to the surface.  I feel paralysed by all the thoughts and memories and feelings just now.  I don't want to pretend I am fine but others are anxious that I 'stop wasting my life' and I feel like I need to be seen to be doing well at work, finding a new relationship, get fit, go blonde!

Thanks for asking about my 'little one' - he's not so little these days but still my child.  He enjoyed having family and friends make the effort to celebrate with him.  He's probably the closest of our children to his dad and I'm a bit concerned about him just now as he has said almost nothing about the wedding.  This may be because he's OK.  The other two don't want to go and are quite vocal about it.

My ex moved on really fast. He was married in 2 months to someone he met 3 days after we split. At that point,  all of my wonderful friends started saying the same thing: "it's actually a blessing. At least now you can move on." The thing is they are all healthy people with healthy marriages. They have NO IDEA what a BPD relationship is like!

BradyK  - 2 months!  I wonder what the record is.  Do they suddenly need to get married because then the other person can't leave easily?  I found a letter ex wrote to me when we got engaged (this was over 25 years ago - people still wrote letters in those days!)  He said something along the lines of feeling better now that we were engaged because "you're mine". 

Funny you mention the thing about healthy marriages - I confess to having very nearly screamed at someone the other day "it's OK for you, you've never had to deal with a break-up like this - you're still in a healthy marriage".   

Your emotions are not in sync with your thoughts or your plans to move on, but they will be eventually. It's not a bad thing to be sad. It is temporary. Just don't lose your goal of moving on.

This is a good way of describing how I feel.  I'm hanging on to the fact that my emotions were relatively positive last week and I think that the overnight dive back into the pit of despair and frustration are related to having seen him twice for family events in a few days.  It's not so bad when everyone is telling me how horrified they are about him getting married again but then I see him and he seems so calm and 'sorted' and has this tone with me that suggests he's feeling a bit sorry for me for not being able to be as happy as he is! Dreading the next eight weeks - just wish he was married and moved away and it was over with.  I am fed up hearing about his plans for pre-wedding weekend with the lads; kids going with him to meet her sister etc.  It's all happy families and rainbows and I'm torn apart and embarrassed that I'm torn apart by the behaviour and actions of someone who is disordered.

I have started to see a T again the last couple of weeks (before I knew about engagement).  Am angry about that too - I can't really afford it financially but I need a bit of help just now.

Coming here is a lifesaver because people here have been in such similar, mind-boggling situations.

[laelle]

Getting over something painful is easier said than done.  You are not a failure.  You heal at your own pace.  You will move on when you are good and ready to.  I know your family only want whats best for you, but pressuring you to feel in a way you just dont yet, isnt helping.

Love yourself, give yourself a break, be good to yourself.  You have been through and are going through alot.

[clairedair]

Thanks Laelle - am feeling so low again and embarrassed about that.  This has been going on for so long and every time I think I am just about free, I get pulled back down or allow myself to be pulled back in.

I need to prepare for the interview tomorrow (I've been trying to get out of current job for years as it is not a positive place to work and I feel that has slowed my healing).  I was so excited to get the interview and had started working on my presentation etc. but haven't been able to do very much on it in recent days and this morning I just want to hide under the bed covers.  I haven't felt this bad in a long, long time. 

The knowledge that he is marrying someone else was liberating and I think will be again.  I don't want to be in a relationship with him when he is obviously still not healthy.  Not sure if what I am feeling just now is the weight of the knowledge that all hope has gone.

Thanks for the permission to heal at my own pace. Means a lot.