When did you first realize yourself, you started to detach? (even a little... )

[HarmKrakow]

Honest question, as being one of the regulars here, with loads other users we are obvious all in different phases of our detachment of the BPD person in our life.

I was wondering, as I still have yet to reach the first phase as unfortunately I still get drained in by my ex by LC.

Soo my question would be to all of you, when did you feel, in the literal sense of the word, the first step of detachment?

And that can be in in the line of any of this: ... .  

1) When you didn't dream about her anymore?

2) When you realized she was cheating ?

3) When you realized she moved on with a different partner?

4) When you realized she didn't want any contact anymore? As in, the BPD cut of all contact?

5) You realizing you just witnessed an entire day of not thinking about her?

6) When you had a new partner?

7) When you started dating with other people?

8) When you made a new friend which you haven't had before?

9) When you went to a spot which had emotional sense for the both of you, and now doesn't hurt anymore... .

and more and more ... .

As detachment all goes for us in different phases, we all 'start somewhere'.

Where did you start? And roughly around what time?

[mitchell16]

maybe i got this wrong but I had started detaching before the actual break up. just a little becsue after two years of thsi happening to be and each time being completely deveasted. I had to do to something to protect my feelings. so even tho I was back with her, I was still a little in reserve. Maybe she sensed this and caused a trigger I dont know. But it started for me the day after christmas blow up. I knew then that this would never be a normal relationship. I have had normal relaitionship in the past and not one has ever resembled this.

Im still missing her and greiving it but this last time I wasnt really upset because I knew it was coming.

[me757]

For me I started detaching before the break up but then ended up missing her more while we weren't together. I started to truly detach once I found this site and learned about BPD. Everything started to make sense and I realized that she probably wouldn't ever change - a deal breaker.

[Tazmo7521]

I started detaching about 2.5 years into the 5 year marriage.  It was after her first long-term silent treatment, which started over nothing... .   really.  While sleeping on the couch for months, I knew I had to start making my way out.  It was painful... .   it still is, but I went to a doctor recently who said I had high blood pressure and congestive heart failure.  I started smoking again shortly after I married the STBX.  I am now quit again, and feeling much better.  I am slowly getting to a better place, but the stress produced by these relationships can kill you, literally.

[HarmKrakow]

Interesting to hear that the 3 of you as NON-BPD started to detach before the actual break up.

[HarmKrakow]

Actually, in the actual sense of detaching, I did start to detach within the r/s the moment the hatred phase started. But only in the sense of throwing stuff from her away as it always reminded me of her, while still being in the r/s.

[mtmc01]

I started detaching near the end before she left, but that had more to do with me taking her for granted and being fatigued than actually wanting to leave. Life without her has been excruciating.

[HarmKrakow]

I started detaching near the end before she left, but that had more to do with me taking her for granted and being fatigued than actually wanting to leave. Life without her has been excruciating.

I can relate to that unfortunately. Stupid isn't it? Like, seriously, stupid isn't it?

[mtmc01]

In my case, I was never a very happy or fulfilled person before we met. Even in our worst moments, I at least felt alive. Even if I make it back to where I was before we met, the emptiness and knowing what I'm missing will still be so crippling.

[SurvivedLove]

I had somehow sensed my detachment coming for a while.

But the first time I became really aware of it was one night on voicechat where my ex was being rather grumpy and unreasonable and I, in front of a few others, said something along the lines of "Oh would you just chill the heck out, Princess!".

The insta-silence that followed, from everyone present (including my ex), made me go "Whoa, did you just say THAT to him? Holy sh... .   you're gonna be paying for that later *sigh*" and then realizing that I really didn't care if it offended him.

Very liberating moment and from that point on, I treated him more and more like a friend (as in like I treat all my friends) rather than someone who's deeply special to me and he in turn desperatly tried to make it look like we were most certainly a loot more than "just friends".

Reading this as I type it does make me chuckle a bit. Princess. Never called a guy that before and I hope and pray that I'll never have to again.

:D

[Wooddragon]

Like others I began to detach in the relationship when I began to realise that his behaviour was inherently volatile & that really we actually had nothing in common. Next stage was about 4 months later on our first (and only) overseas holiday where he raged at me for 3 days in a row. Post breakup/NC I would dearly love to have a day without thinking of him - this is my goal. Unfortunately at the moment I see "dead people" (borderlines everywhere). A friend is in the early stages of a relationship with one & it brings back so many memories of the feelings I had for mine in the beginning. I would really love to not have my ex front of mind all the time but that said, 7 weeks out I have periods of mindful happyness & less sadness & self reproach so I think I must be progressing

[bb12]

I began detaching within the r/s when I sensed my exBPD was also withdrawing. He kind of forced me to end it.

But then I realised I wasn't detached at all and wanted him in my life on some level. But that's when the full blown symptoms kicked in... .   the splitting, projecting, passive aggression. And he discarded me completely a few months after the initial break up.

This stage ushered in a whole new round of detachment attempts... .   and I would say I realised I was getting better when the dreams stopped; when I could finally feel angry; when my pride kicked in and I began to resent how much I was focused on him.

And most powerful of all was the realisation I was a probably CoDependent and the research that went with that. The focus came off my ex and onto me... .   and it's stayed that way. I can still ruminate a lot... .   but more in a 'what the hell was that?' kind of way and no longer a pining for answers or closure.

Been a long, drawn out process but I am feeling good again. Very good.

bb12

[Hurt llama]

Honest question, as being one of the regulars here, with loads other users we are obvious all in different phases of our detachment of the BPD person in our life.

I was wondering, as I still have yet to reach the first phase as unfortunately I still get drained in by my ex by LC.

Soo my question would be to all of you, when did you feel, in the literal sense of the word, the first step of detachment?

And that can be in in the line of any of this: ... .  

1) When you didn't dream about her anymore?

2) When you realized she was cheating ?

3) When you realized she moved on with a different partner?

4) When you realized she didn't want any contact anymore? As in, the BPD cut of all contact?

5) You realizing you just witnessed an entire day of not thinking about her?

6) When you had a new partner?

7) When you started dating with other people?

8) When you made a new friend which you haven't had before?

9) When you went to a spot which had emotional sense for the both of you, and now doesn't hurt anymore... .

and more and more ... .

As detachment all goes for us in different phases, we all 'start somewhere'.

Where did you start? And roughly around what time?

Well for me I have been in the same places at very different times... .   going back mentally and starting over... . But your question does make me realize some definite and strong things that have been healed in a big way after a lot of pain and work.

dreams... . when I had a new gf for awhile and it was even worse than with my ex... . but it did serve as a way to work out the issues and I was successful at it... . Along with that relationship... . i did have days of not thinking of her and dreaming about her.

not sure many days have gone by I don't think of her.that's over almost 6 years... . and an official but weak ending 3 years ago.

I think the biggest thing I have made peace with that was the single worst part of the relationship was the true recognition that I cannot be replaced. She can go into relationships and be infatuated for a very short time but I don't really obsess or care that any man can be a better or more appropriate partner. Thats not because I am so great, it's just knowing it's really about her and her so far inability to be safe in a relationship... .   Her problem that she acknowledges is that she is miserable in a relationship and miserable not being in one.

If she was with someone and it worked out... .   well that would be a gift from God.

I was always good at meeting people and making friends... . this experience didn't effect that but it did strain some friendships who had to watch this trainwreck.

Recovery for me has been very rough and I have made it that way by continued attachment... .   But I was just so careful before I agreed to see ehr again... . and I have posted about the nightmares i ran into... .

as far as her not wanting contact... . she is the one who much more easily can stay out of touch... . and perhaps if I stopped being there so much, she would reach out more... . i'm sure of that or she will attach to someone else faster.

we managed to end our latest heartache last night and this morning civilly. But when she told me never to contact her again... .   it set me off badly... .

and she contacted me with a few words and i wrote something civil and am not going to reach out first.

I will say that to answer your last question about emotional sense for the both of us? That happened after we reunited last year on NYE and I realized she had been sexually active with someone the day before.

WHile I barely survived a breakdown of sorts... .   I did pull it together and when I left at the airport I was cordial and clear... .   and i stayed the course... . I changed... . and I never 'broke up' with her again... . and she pursued me like mad

I let her in again in October... .   she wanted a commitment adn then dumped me... . .

any more questions? 

[SadWifeofBPD]

I started detaching about 6 years ago when H told Peryone a crazy story that I cheated on him.  Little by little, more detachment. 

Then, about a month ago, I injured my back and my son had to help me for about 4 days.  I realized that my BPDH would not have helped me.  He would have picked a fight or something so that he wouldn't have to help me.

[OTH]

I started withdrawing just a bit after calling off our wedding a week before. By this I mean I began to question our relationship in my head. As the roller coaster continued I knew in my head that it wasn't going to work out. I did not start withdrawing emotionally until 3 months after she moved out when she swore at me and called me foul names over a simple disagreement about nothing important. I had really tried to see things from her point of view after she moved out and was very supportive to her. I finally was like crap. I don't deserve this. I have to end this. The love story died that day for me. The rest of our engagements was me settling down my emotions for her and trying to understand what happened.

[Deleted]

Hey HarmKrakow,

I first realized all of that when I left her that's, in a way, the "fire" that fueled me to go and stay NC. I struggled for the first few months during NC but I realized she is not and NEVER will be good for me. It's destructive. I never checked up on her but I've heard she quickly went into a new relationship soon after I broke up with her. It hurt but I knew I had to detach from her. In my case, being with my exBPD it was similar having amazing love making-sex in a room filled with radiation, as much as I enjoyed it at times being with her, it will eventually cause my demise ONE way or ANOTHER talk about true love huh? . I still think about her from time to time but it's not about love or rekindling our love. It's more of a how could I have been so stupid? How could she have done that to me? but I detached due to her behavior and thinking about what she has done and said made me even more detached to her in the sense that I did not want her in any way shape or form. Hope that helped. Good luck!