Setting and keep boundaries has helped me a lot

[real lady]

I have done a lot of reading and "practice" with boundary setting and found that I have been successful with this in a few areas of my relationship with my uBPDso... .   I applied the principles of boundaries to the workforce and to my family who was being controlling and abusive... .   I had years of practice before my relationship with uBPDso... .   The most important thing that I have learned about boundaries NOW is that I must be consistent, without anger or demanding and "just do it for me"... .  

Example is setting a boundary and "walking it out"... .  

I felt "put upon" by having my uBPDso dysregulate if I "didn't take the dogs out" while he was playing his game on his computer (now 15 hrs/day). One night, almost 8 months ago now, I told him that I was tired and ready to go to bed. It was dark outside and I did not like letting the puppies out in the dark, it was summer and a few coyotes had been spotted in the area. He "angrily" said "Well, you cold take them out before you go to bed"... .   I responded "I could, but I might be angry at you for "making me" when I am very tired and need to go up now"... .   and I went to bed. He of course, mentioned it later. He then would say to the dogs "Your mommy won't get up off her butt to let you out and I can't do it right now" (insulting me, trying to guilt me into doing it, "putting the dogs against me"... .   , if that could be done... .   I have a mommy's boy (150 lbs. not yet 2 yr old) who whined the whole time that I was gone for TWO hours last night). Finally, his behavior was extinguished by my consistency to keep my boundaries.

This made the way for "not taking them out after dark" that I presented the case that HE should be watching them and that I did not want to take that responsibility since I do not see in the dark as well as he does.

After about 5 months, and being consistent in this... .   it stuck. He doesn't even ask. I will mention to him from the couch, while I am watching a movie or favorite TV show, that "they are getting ready to go o-u-t, have to spell, they are bright. ) and at first he "expected me" to "get up" and do it. I just "remained consistent"... .  

And today... .   in this one little area that makes my life so much better and gives him one less thig to latch onto and dysregulate over... .   all I can say it that it was worth it.

One little victory, one step forward and one less headache with my uBPDso... .   its a win win situation.

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[yeeter]

Fantastic RL, thanks for the post!

And today... .   in this ONE LITTLE area that makes my life SO MUCH BETTER and gives him ONE LESS THING to latch onto and dysregulate over... .   all I can say it that IT WAS WORTH IT.

ONE little victory, one step forward and one less headache with my uBPDso... .   its a win win situation.

I have had a very similar experience.  It has certainly improved the dynamics in my relationship.

Its in the category of changing our own behavior, to improve the situation.

Well done!  And enjoy the rewards of the work you did to learn, apply, practice, maintain.

[real lady]

Thanks Yeeter... .  

I see them as taking one brick, on small step or one small change in our behavior that will give us what we need to "set things apart" so we can feel safe and work on the sometimes very conflicting dynamics in a relationship with a pwBPD.

I say that "any small change, in us, matters and can make a big difference". Sometimes we expect things to change all at once. That is not reality. Things like healing, occur slowly and deliberately. I have learned that traveling one inch up the mountain and holding ground is much better than taking a leap in order to "make time" only to fall and land much farther back than when we first started. Keep it up. Inch by inch it's a cinch, yard by yard, it's hard.

[andywho]

Boundaries... .   its so important.

It was pretty much the first thing i started with after joining these boards and probably what saved my sanity and my relationship. Of course using other lessons learned in here also. But setting those first boundaries to protect myself and get a message trough about what i would accept or what would make me not stay around changed the dynamics dramatically.

Now my GF have learned in a big degree how to behave towards me when the heat start to raise, how to speak and act to me in a more normal way.

She will still disagree with me, be angry at me... .   but she know now that i wont accept rage, threats or abuse. If she does, im simply not there anymore and the problem wont be resolved.

Good job Real lady. I know it can be a challenge to set boundaries.

andy

[benny2]

yes I set a huge boundry for my so. We have had nothing but interference with his exwife. She, of course still loves him and does not want him with me. She has moved far away but still has a home up here and 2 daughters, of which are not his, so she visits occasionally. I have told him that he must break all ties with her in order for us to work this out. I know I have to stick with it, so we will see. I'm quite sure she will never give up on her persistance to keep him in her life. Sometimes I think its more of a quest to keep me out of his life more than anything else.

[briefcase]

Thanks for sharing your success with us!  Boundaries are a big deal - fundamental really - to healthy relationships.  It's also been my experience that consistency is key to succcess.  Of course, over time, some boundaries can be re-evaluated or modified based on changed circumstances.

[real lady]

Of course, over time, some boundaries can be re-evaluated or modified based on changed circumstances. 

I think that this is a key to success with boundaries. I have "tweaked" them a bit and now there does not seem to be an "issue" when I make certain statements of my boundaries. I feel more confident in my ability to make and keep my boundaries. I feel more self-respect and some respect from my uBPDso. I guess it is really true that in order for others to respect us (if they have boundary or self-esteem issues maybe) that we must first respect ourselves. That is how it has worked for me.

[tuum est61]

One of my first boundaries was related to our dogs - but from a slightly different angle.  Yours is about not taking the dogs out - mine is about getting out with them.  

My W was so suspicious of my activity while away from her that I simply didn't go out with the dogs - a border collie and a 150 lb Malamute/Shepherd/Wolf? cross.  It wasn't fair or healthy - for them or for me.  

So I started taking the dogs - off-leash - to a local large "wild" park (2500 hectares) about a year ago.  I go regularly.  I go when things are good and (particularly) when things are bad.  She still questions who I am with or that I am avoiding her - even after a year - she just cant help it.  

But I go - and my mental and physical health - and that of my dogs - is in a far better place.  

[real lady]

But I go - and my mental and physical health - and that of my dogs - is in a far better place.  

Just had to pull this thread up and comment ((tuum))... .  I have been spending more time with our puppies; taking them to the dog park up to 3 times a week. They are paying more attention to me, because, ahem, I CARE FOR them more than their uBPD daddy does. He is STILL on his gaming computer and just "accomplished" something that he has "been working on" since October! Will he feel that there is little more to gain from spending 12-15 hrs/day instead of taking care of his pets.

I feel much better when I spend less time with uBPDso and more time with our adorable puppies and my son, of course.

My boundaries of "not taking them out after dark" has stuck good and I feel good about "allowing him to take responsibility" for them as soon as the sun goes down.

[MisterJD]

Does anyone know a really good audio book on setting boundaries; one where there are good examples etc.  I think this would help me a lot.

I found this really good source for listening emphatically, anyone have comments on using this as a tool to help defuse the person with BPD? www.nature.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7article/article40.htm

[yeeter]

Hi JD.

I dont have any good recommendations on audio, but one of the best tools I know is this site. For composing messages. For evaluating a scenario. By posting the exchange as best you can word for word, you will get some very useful and constructive guidance

[tuum est61]

Just had to pull this thread up and comment ((tuum))... .  I have been spending more time with our puppies; taking them to the dog park up to 3 times a week.

By jove, I think you've got it!  Boundaries are about making things better for yourself - and your other significant others - canines included.  Its about making YOU feel better - regardless whether that means you "let" your pwBPD off the hook with regard to what you believe they should be doing for themselves or for you.  

It's hard, but the less you think about what THEY should be doing, and the more you think about whats the next thing you can do for you, the more strength and peace you will achieve - providing the basis for even more change - whether you stay or leave.  

[JaneRain]

Help! I want to put boundaries with my BPD bf but everytime I try, he gets very depressed (which makes me sad and makes the rest of the day miserable), or he gets revenge on me. How can I establish boundaries without really making him feel terrible about himself and then project on me?

[briefcase]

Help! I want to put boundaries with my BPD bf but everytime I try, he gets very depressed (which makes me sad and makes the rest of the day miserable), or he gets revenge on me. How can I establish boundaries without really making him feel terrible about himself and then project on me?

Biundaries are about you, not him.  It would be great if our partners recognized and respected our boundaries - but they often don't.  And they react negatively to boundaries.  You just have to take care of yourself, and let him deal with his own emotions.  I recommend you read the Lessons and especially the excellent workshop on boundaries!

[yeeter]

everytime I try, he gets very depressed (which makes me sad and makes the rest of the day miserable),

One of the lessons here, is to learn how to stop owning his emotions.  Your emotions are yours.  His are his.  You are not responsible for his emotions.

The boundaries are REQUIRED to protect yourself and keep yourself healthy.  He is going to have to work through his own depression with this.  You can support him.  But its not for you to 'fix' it or make it all better.

[real lady]

The boundaries are REQUIRED to protect yourself and keep yourself healthy.  He is going to have to work through his own depression with this.  You can support him.  But its not for you to 'fix' it or make it all better.

 Thanks yeeter... .  boundaries are about us and for us. That was hard to understand until I owned my own emotions and took more responsibility for my own behavior then I could see that he is responsible to do the same... .  thanks!

I have actually been able to STOP conversations, saying that "I do not like to be yelled at, if you would like to continue this "conversation", please do it in a calmer tone of voice or I will have to exit it for now".

I think that I am looking at boundaries... .  in as much as "how much" I allow him "inside" my trusted boundaries regarding my feelings. I shared honestly and very openly that "I miss you"... .  he is compuslive, addictive game player and has been since last October. Broken promises, loss of contact with him and the few hours each day that we might see each other, he usually has a few moments of near dysregulation or only about 4 times in the past few months, 15 minutes of dysregulation and then de escalation. Each time though, it is apparent to me that I am "not letting him" get any closer to me emotionally.

When I told him that "I miss you" I was crying. He acknowledged my feelings and tears and then asked me "why" I was crying and I clarified that I "missed him, for many years, while not seeing him and though we are together, we are no closer and I still MISS him terribly, it hurts very deeply". He said that "maybe we can talk about it after I wake up". I am not holding my breath. My boundary is; he can talk about it, he can ask me about it but I will set a clear boundary that if he wants to know, he will need to be patient and accept my answer, period. If he is not willing, I will not answer. My boundary. I do not trust that he will not take it too personally.

Boundaries have helped me so much... .  keep working on them KelseyRain... .  it is really worth it. No one can make us feel bad about ourselves or coerce us into discounting our own feelings unless we allow them... .  don't allow them.