Forsaken

[LMNO]

Throughout my last few months in Afghanistan, I have found myself turning towards my god. For what I'm not sure. I pray a hundred times a day that he will help rid me of this pain. That he will bring the love of my life back to me, and make our family whole again. That he will finally make me see, even though I feel it in the black depths of my shattered heart, that she never did love me. Why do you care so much about a woman that has never truly cared about you.

She left you for another man, while you are here, risking your life for her and your son. I tell myself this on a daily basis, and as much as I know I should say F her, I can't. I stare at these stars for hours on end, with a feeling of hurt so deep I find it hard to live with myself. Easter just past. She took  my son to her family's house with her new boyfriend, who is eagerly chomping at the bit to replace me in my sons life. And here I am, dodging bullets, IEDs and rockets- sometimes wishing they would end this pain. Why can't you hear me god? What did I do to deserve this? Why won't you make it stop ?

[GreenMango]

LMNO this illness is no joke.  For real. 

The nature of the disorder is such that without a therapeutic intervention on her part the behaviors and thinking patterns are present and they surface due to intimacy and abandonment.  It doesn't make a lot of sense because it's like a contradiction.   

Please know it's not caused by you, you didn't create it, and you can't cure it.  We all have a role in the relationship but the disorder isn't from something you did or didn't do.  They call it pervasive and pathological because it can be profound and is a longstanding pattern that affects those close intimate relationships.

It's okay to grieve the relationship even if she wasn't that kind to you or the way she loves hurts.  You loved her and nothing is going to change that right now.  Please take good care of you.

Please be try to aware while you are grieving.  A counselor told me it's very easy to get into accidents and be less alert.  You are in a dangerous situation which requires some extra alertness.  Do you have a religious serviceman you can talk to about any of this?  It may help a little.

[Hurt llama]

LMNO this illness is no joke.  For real. 

The nature of the disorder is such that without a therapeutic intervention on her part the behaviors and thinking patterns are present and they surface due to intimacy and abandonment.  It doesn't make a lot of sense because it's like a contradiction.   

Please know it's not caused by you, you didn't create it, and you can't cure it.  We all have a role in the relationship but the disorder isn't from something you did or didn't do.  They call it pervasive and pathological because it can be profound and is a longstanding pattern that affects those close intimate relationships.

It's okay to grieve the relationship even if she wasn't that kind to you or the way she loves hurts.  You loved her and nothing is going to change that right now.  Please take good care of you.

Please be try to aware while you are grieving.  A counselor told me it's very easy to get into accidents and be less alert.  You are in a dangerous situation which requires some extra alertness.  Do you have a religious serviceman you can talk to about any of this?  It may help a little.

Greenmango, where have you been the last 5 years? I NEEDED you!

so well said! 

And LMNO, ditto what Greenmango is suggesting as this can be extremely dangerous for you.

You can survive this... . I know it. The 'other man' is probably going to get hurt bad... . I have been through this when the next boy friend became her knight in shining armour and took some sort of 'stand' against me.

Long story short, that didn't end well. For him. He almost had to be carted off to the looney bin and I am really not exaggerating.

Hang Tough and Stay Strong.

[LMNO]

I'm going to try and find someone to talk to about this. It's been 6 months, and it isn't getting any better. This place seems to make the pain and depression multiply on a daily basis

[GreenMango]

Seems reasonable where you are at isn't helping. 

Just a strange thought but maybe you can write your son letters even if you have to wait to give them to him because he's to young to read them now, and not stuff about his mom, just about him and you.  Good stuff - father/son stuff.

Also, this distance from her while it feels like total crap is a good time to wrap your head around what actually a life with a spouse and mother with BPD can be like.  There's space away from her emotional chaos to get your feet underneath you so when you return you are able to make some solid decisions about the relationship and your son.  You are going to need that detachment and reason to be the more balanced and reliable parent - with or without her.

[LMNO]

It's tough, because I have to worry about how my mental state can and will effect my security clearance and job if I say to much about how I feel at times inside.

Anxiously awaiting getting home in 4 months to finally be able to talk to a T and get it all out. Ive never been one to try to use meds to help with anything, but I'm really considering it as I think I may need some. Same problem there though, if I take that route my clearance could get yanked, and more than likely will.

I have been keeping a journal type deal, written to my son, although I may never give it to him, as some of it is things I've needed to get off my chest and that has been my only outlet.

The thing that worries me the most about all of this, is me being here and not really being able to maintain the relationship I have with him, other than a daily phone call. I'm tremendously scared that the bond I have worked so hard to create over the last 9 years with him, is disappearing on a daily basis with this new guy in his life who's working to replace me.

[Hurt llama]

LMNO,

I sent you a PM and I mentioned somethign about the dangers of talking to the wrong type of therapist but didn't mean it in the context that you are in.

But talking here is a huge help... . it has been for me much more effective than therapy that while helpful for some things was not very helpful as it would have helped me to understand i was dealing with someone with a mental illness. I dont say that to make me unaccountable but it is a very specific mental illness and much of our reactions should be seen in that light.

[Surnia]

LMNO

so sorry to hear about your very difficult situation. You are really in a tough place and reaching out for help may really be diffcult there... .   So keep posting here.

Please be rassured, 9 years of bonding with your son are not easily erased. 9 years are so much memories, so much things you did together, so much strong feelings. 

[Lady31]

LMNO -

First I want to say THANK YOU for your service!

I just read your post and my own heart started to feel that deep ache.  Your pain comes through in your posts.

I want to encourage you.  I can't imagine the pressure that comes with where you are WITHOUT this added heart crushing situation.  Day to day life is SO much easier on those of us at home.  Your treading through hell on a whole different level.

Lift up you chin soldier.  You are a STRONG man - even though you don't FEEL like it right now.  You will come through to the other side of this.  You WILL come through to the other side of this.  You WILL come through to the other side of this.

Weeping may endure for the night - but joy WILL come in the morning.  God has not failed you. He WILL NOT leave you alone. 

I know this is hard.  I have prayed the same for my family - for my H who has broken my heart over and over again throughout our entire marriage.  Something I have realized is - that they have free will.  God will not override a person's free will - but he WILL bring about situations and things to try to influence them to make the right decisions that are in accordance with His will.  And obviously his perfect plan/will would be for your marriage to stay intact.  Draw near to Him.  Start to fill your heart and mind with the Word - surround yourself with it daily and it will begin to change you.  I started praying God begin to sever every tie to my husband in my heart and mind if he will not turn around (and not just turn around - but be a loving NON abusive husband).  I started praying that God would come in and change the desire of my heart if there was no way to reconcile this due to my H's unwillingness.

I have to say that He has started to do this for me because I stay close to Him and he takes care of me bc I honor Him.  He will do the same for you.  He LOVES YOU more than you love your own son.  Which means his heart won't LET him forsake you.

I will start praying for you now after I post this.  You are going to heal.

"I came to heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds."

As far as your son - do not be afraid.  No one will EVER replace you in his life.  You will come home again.  I am sure he is so proud to be able to tell everyone what his daddy does! 

- Your sister in Christ who was DEEPLY touched by your post - is concerned for you and will be calling your name out before the Lord in my daily prayers... .   starting NOW... .    

Lady

[Clearmind]

LMNO, I cannot begin to tell you how real the pain is. We have walked in your shoes and come out the other end a more aware human being.

Given your current career, my guess is you are a very caring, thoughtful and honest person who is doing his best. So many folks appreciate what you are doing right now – it’s honestly commendable.

All I can say is that it really does get better. Grief is something we all go through and you have the support of the folks here. You are not alone.

I know you may be feeling like your world has been turned upside down. It may seem right now that it is hopeless – however I promise – it gets better.

You have access to a computer which is great – there are a bunch of online resources to help you – would these affect your security?

Things that helped me:

-   Reading (on the board here – you will soon see you are not alone in your feelings/emotions)

-   Journaling your thoughts – helps to clear your mind

-   Guided meditation is really good for getting all this off your chest.

-   Exercise/yoga

-   DBT Self Help - Life Skills For Emotional Health

-   Lessons on the Leaving Board

Take Care

CM

[LMNO]

I appreciate everyone's support. It truly means a lot.

I will def keep posting on the boards here, as it does seem to be helping a bit.

[Vinnie]

LMNO,

I know well the pit of pain that you can't seem to escape. My wife of 20 years fell in love with another man back in November. I found out about the affair in January, so it's been 3 months now and the grief and pain is just starting to fall from a constant 9-10 to an 8 or 7. Thank God it's getting better.

I too was worried that I was going to fall below a minimum level of functioning, and I searched for ways to keep the mourning and anxiety from overwhelming me. One thing I read, and tried to implement was to try to segregate the thinking/grieving times to certain times of the day. I gradually went from thinking about it every minute of the day to just dealing with it at night, when I could get on the internet and read forums dealing with BPD, infidelity, betrayal, divorce, abuse codependency, etc. Many days I failed at this, but I hated feeling like my insides were in a blender all the time. It will get better... .   don't give up... .   keep fighting!  Every small effort you are making will pay dividends even though it is hard to see now.

And as Lady 31 said, keep reminding yourself that God loves you and feels everything you're going through, and wants to comfort you and lighten your burden. He has a good future and good plans for you, and you WILL make it as you take it day by day, moment by moment.  Wisper throughout the day, "I trust you Jesus" and your faith will grow steadily. If you like reading the Bible, rephrasing part of it out loud will have a powerful effect on your well being. Google 'biblical declarations.'  Take care, wish I could be there to give you a big bear hug. Keep safe.  Love ya bro.

[whereisthezen]

Two things:

God will take care of you through thick and thin, but never, please never think you are to blame for any of your ex's doing. I saw a friend go through turmoil once and forgive me for writing a lot but I dont want to see you get off track with your goals. Do not blame yourself, that is key right now!

If you start begging God for forgiveness talk to someone, preferably a counselor, fast- its a REAL sign of her manipulation and you being under great stress there.  I do have info if you need it on a therapist that works via skype from USA with many soldiers if you need it. She is very good.

My gut feeling is protect yourself. Ive seen people come undone when they think God is punishing them, regular folks under great stress. What helps is to talk to a therapist. If you cant please KEEP posting on the boards. This is NOT your fault at all. Again, this IS NOT your fault. Friends, family, msg boards, therapist are the key to understanding you can get things straightened out.   

You are VERY brave to be over there and you deserve to be able to talk to people who understand, keep posting, we're here.