Treating Leaving a BPD as an addiction

[trampledfoot]

Hi All:

So I was with my T yesterday and we were discussing my relationship with my ex UBPD gf.  She ahd mentioned to me that would i be comfortable treating my relationship with her as an addiction?  This kind of makes a lot of sense to me.  The love especially in the idealization phase felt a lot like an addiction.  My biggest fear is that moving forward I will chase that addication that "high" for the rest of my life I dont want to do that ... .   I am terrified of constantly comparing healthy normal realtionships to that high that we had.

[jp77]

Yeah I actually suggested to my T that addiction was the right way to view this sort of relationship. Because of the "high" that we got, we maybe overlooked things that we shouldn't have overlooked, and we didn't realize how much the relationship was damaging us. And then afterwards, for me at least, a clean break with NC caused me to feel like I was crashing down after, just like the process of getting off of a powerful drug cold turkey. After     8-9 months I'm only starting to feel back to myself, but it's a long difficult path.

When I first thought about the relationship in this way, I was also concerned that I would be chasing this high my whole life, but I don't think that's true. People do get over addictions. It's difficult, but not impossible. When you get more distance and can look at the whole picture, good and bad, eventually you realize that the bad vastly outweighed the good, and no matter how powerful the "high" felt, the price is not worth it. So even if it does resemble an "addiction," that absolutely does not mean we will always be "addicted."

Just my two cents.

[theboro504]

I would tend to agree because I believe in many cases, it is an addiction. We can become as addicted to a person and the feelings surrounding the relationship as we can a narcotic. I have been there many times and is why I initially started into recovery in 2006. I have come to learn in the last few years and most certainly in the last 3 months, there remains in me some of that ability to become addicted to love and relationships. I believe what many of us here are going through is actual withdrawal of these people and those “feelings”.

Unlike an addiction to a substance, this one is deep rooted and most likely created while growing up. The changes that can go on in the brain during these things produce similar highs though. When they are taken away, the feelings both physical and emotional are as real as if coming off a drug.

I don’t think it is too much of a stretch either to say that many of us, me included, may even be predisposed to be attracted to those who can produce the quickest high and sadly, many of those people are pwBPD. They come on hard and fast and strong and they feed us large dosages of love and affirmation; Pretty easy to get high off of and get hooked on.

Part of my own NC plan is to look at no contact with her as sobriety. It also lets me realize the withdrawal symptoms will eventually go away if I can just feed myself something positive and ride it out.

[trampledfoot]

I don’t think it is too much of a stretch either to say that many of us, me included, may even be predisposed to be attracted to those who can produce the quickest high and sadly, many of those people are pwBPD. They come on hard and fast and strong and they feed us large dosages of love and affirmation; Pretty easy to get high off of and get hooked on.

this is another fear of mine that i will relapse if not with her but with another BPD. I also dont want to go into another relationship thinking "wow i lover her but the sex and the high isnt the same as it was with my ex."  This is seriously the crippling feeling I get. I cannot imagine ever being able to say "wow that was unhealthy but i dont want it back."  I guess I want it back but for it to be healthy but I dont think that is possible.  I can probably find the sex again, I can probably find the love again, I can probably find the emotional connectedness again; however, to find all 3 together as one I dont think is healthy. 

I want to be able to say "my new healthy relationship is a bigger better cleaner more perfect high" thats what i want ... .   i am just not optimistic and maybe I shouldnt be right now.

[theboro504]

I think jp77 is dead on in that addictions are completely recoverable. It is just painful and not easy. Which is why many fail or never try. I think the realization of the issue is reason to be optimistic. It is never about searching out the right person, but becoming the right person and you can do it.

[hithere]

Yes, there are a few types of addictions here I think.

1. Addiction to the idealization phase

2. Addiction to the chaos

3. Addiction to the sex

Since the idealization phase goes away and then only pops back for short times you are sort of weaned off it.  It is what got you hooked and what makes you keep wasting time in these relationship but all new relationships have a honeymoon phase that is similar to the idealization phase.

The addiction to chaos sort of faded for me after a few months being away from my ex with BPD, at first my life seemed to be moving in slow motion without all the crazy making but after a while I started to enjoy my downtime and my lack of stress.

The addiction to sex is not part of every BPD relationship but I have heard it quite often.  I think many people with BPD use sex as a replacement for love, as a hook and also as a way of self-soothing.  Sex with my ex BPD was good most of the time and she was very uninhibited but I have to say that sex with my current partner is better, the connection is real and there is no pressure and much less stress in my life.

[HarmKrakow]

Yes, there are a few types of addictions here I think.

1. Addiction to the idealization phase

2. Addiction to the chaos

3. Addiction to the sex

Since the idealization phase goes away and then only pops back for short times you are sort of weaned off it.  It is what got you hooked and what makes you keep wasting time in these relationship but all new relationships have a honeymoon phase that is similar to the idealization phase.

The addiction to chaos sort of faded for me after a few months being away from my ex with BPD, at first my life seemed to be moving in slow motion without all the crazy making but after a while I started to enjoy my downtime and my lack of stress.

The addiction to sex is not part of every BPD relationship but I have heard it quite often.  I think many people with BPD use sex as a replacement for love, as a hook and also as a way of self-soothing.  Sex with my ex BPD was good most of the time and she was very uninhibited but I have to say that sex with my current partner is better, the connection is real and there is no pressure and much less stress in my life.

I would say, i'm more than 200% addicted to every single thing there. The chaos, the sex and the idealization. Superbly addicted, i've never been addicted to something like that. BPD as also my shrink said, detachment of it is ... . it IS detachment from a addiction. IT IS.

[seeking balance]

A 12-step program approach is a great approach for getting over your BPD ex.  Here are the first 5 for reference.

Step 4 - the PI board here is great for using.

Also - coda works great on this recovery.

1. We admitted we were powerless over xBPD - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.

[nak]

I would agree with treating this r/s as an addiction. For a tine we have an unhealthy need to stay in it for whatever reason.

The sex was definitely a hook for me . The first time she was on fire. Every time since then she just laid there and I was left wondering "Where'd she go?"  I learned to use sex as a way to validate the r/s. she prophetically told me early on "don't listen to what I say. Watch what I do." I was clueless as to what this meant for a few years. I learned to use sex as a tool to determine whether or not she wanted the r/s. And sure as the sunrise , when the sex stopped, the r/s was over .

[LetItBe]

I've been considering this, too.  A therapist friend of mine highly recommended the book Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer.  I just borrowed it last night so I've only peeked into it briefly, but so far, it looks like it could be pretty illuminating.

[MaybeSo]

The Ted Talk and new brain research shows romantic love gone awry acts like a powerful addiction process. Probably the most powerful addiction process known.

I was definitely thoroughly addicted to my ex; it was so incredibly painful. By far the worst emotional pain and longing I ever felt in my life. I have no other addictions to any substances, but I was a total junkie for my ex.

But I'm not anymore. It's gone. I even have low contact with him now and I'm okay, there's none of the addictive quality to it anymore.  I went through a long grieving process of about 8 months though, with NC during that time.  And lots of tears.

[SeekerofTruth]

Briefly:

In coming to terms with the Addictive Personality set I bring with me to the table, and carrying an unrecognized vulnerability to the Codependency vortex... .    ;

I spent many many months, many many tears... .    devoted to many many hours in deep study to better understand our marriage problems, wanting to get to the bottom of things in order to save our marriage (my story... .    nice guy story)... .    in which 80-90% of my mental emotional psychological capital was invested fixing her and our relationship.

Now... .    I'm at about 80-90% of deploying my mental emotional psychological capital in recovery (from near rock bottom... .     and fixing myself.  I see now that my codependency and devoted obsessional efforts outside of my self in fixing our relationship and getting a grasp on how she might change... .    functioned as a way of AVOIDANCE for me from taking responsibility.  sigh... .    

More to say about addiction, but I can get addicted to the chaos and toxicity of these boards, find my self getting caught up in them, not effectively managing my time... .    so after many weeks away and now just checking in and  revisiting... .    with greater detachment and less emotional dysregulation on my part... .    it is soo incredibly validating to my inner landscape in recognizing the number of core spot-on coincidences of experiences.

So addiction, as a form of self-abuse; substance abuse problem.  For an alcoholic, one drink is too many, one thousand is not enough.  In spite of the damage being done, the alcoholic still returns to the drink.  As a parallel, as I am getting on the other side of the equation, and calling out the massive negativity and damage incurred; in the midst of this release of toxic... .    negativity; feelings of longing, affinity, and fantasy of mutual adoration and fufilllment begin to rise from within and surround me ... .    like invisible gates and steel bars of a cage.

As with PDs, isn't a core feature of addiction; denial?

cutting through the denial of her denial and my denial of her denial to my denial of my denial of my denial... .    aware that "romantizing" of the past and of what we had... .    sorta never was, was not, is not, and can't be.

With that; letting go, releasing, tapping into greater degrees of compassion and turning it over to HP.

Thanks so much for the book recommendations.

Peace to all,  

 

[trampledfoot]

I think the sex and chaos are like addictions, I disagree that the main r/s is, its even worse.

My write up on it;

So why does it hurt so bad... .    

thank you so much for this post this is one of the most insightful and spot on things i have ever read.  I am going to save this to my files and read it when I am feeling desperate or lost.  You have been there before and I have gained a lot of insight through this post thank you so much

[trampledfoot]

Yes, there are a few types of addictions here I think.

1. Addiction to the idealization phase

2. Addiction to the chaos

3. Addiction to the sex

Every single one of these.  Our idealization phase was just incredible we would spend hours just laying in bed and talking i was head over heels. 

After we started hitting the bumpy roads the breadcrumbs got increasingly more tasty and fewer and farther between servings

The sex was like heroin absolutely incredible.  However, after about 2 years and a dozen recycles it really fell of and hit a point where i was almost not even interested in sex with her.  Now that we are apart i crave that good incredible sex again.

[ScotisGone74]

Dopamine is the chemical that is released by the brain that gives us that feel good feeling, such as being idealized or all the sex we were having with the BPD.  This makes us 'feel' great, this is how we get hooked, just like a drug.  As the relationship goes along the BPD cannot sustain their A+ game, nor do they wish to, they know when we are hooked and have tested us out at that point to know they can abuse us and get away it.  Unfortunately the abuse they dish out increases and the good times and dopamine release decreases-only making us want more of it.   A dangerous circle of addiction leaving us frazzled, dazed, confused. 

[trampledfoot]

Thanks All:

So after 1.5 months NC she texted me last night out of nowhere.  She must have found out that i was out with a female friend of mine whom she doesnt care for to say the least.   She said "yadda yadda about my female friend and then said I am glad i was the one with the balls to end it when it was SOO clearly over"

I wrote something but I didnt send it to her she doesnt deserve the response i wrote maybe later certainly not any time soon.  I worte something to the effect of  "balls"  It doesnt take balls to detach completely from someone you love and walk away without hurt it takes balls to wake up every morning and know that I will go on and someoen out there will love me for me and not demean me and question my love daily... .   thats the jist of it but just writing it made me feel good

[jaird]

Dopamine is the chemical that is released by the brain that gives us that feel good feeling, such as being idealized or all the sex we were having with the BPD.  This makes us 'feel' great, this is how we get hooked, just like a drug.  As the relationship goes along the BPD cannot sustain their A+ game, nor do they wish to, they know when we are hooked and have tested us out at that point to know they can abuse us and get away it.  Unfortunately the abuse they dish out increases and the good times and dopamine release decreases-only making us want more of it.   A dangerous circle of addiction leaving us frazzled, dazed, confused. 

Great point.

I fear I am going to chase a similar r/s. I fear that the woman I am with now, who is kind and loving and supportive, is just not going to cut it for me. I fear I'll go into the abyss, seeking to replicate the BPD high : (

[trampledfoot]

I fear I am going to chase a similar r/s. I fear that the woman I am with now, who is kind and loving and supportive, is just not going to cut it for me. I fear I'll go into the abyss, seeking to replicate the BPD high : (

Same exact boat as i am in its horrendous

[HarmKrakow]

I fear I am going to chase a similar r/s. I fear that the woman I am with now, who is kind and loving and supportive, is just not going to cut it for me. I fear I'll go into the abyss, seeking to replicate the BPD high : (

Same exact boat as i am in its horrendous

I can tell you, as i'm currently low contact dating someone else, which is younger, more attractive and better in bed, that it can be achieved.

Yes, there is less drama. Less drama, no raging.

And you know what guys ... . it actually feels quite relieving that there is not that drama and raging ... . it makes me feel like, oh my god, i have energy left over!