BPD's - worst gift givers?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello All,

One particular bad memory about my exBPDgf was the "gifts" I got for Christmas. Basically, it was stuff for her. Seriously!

Plus, I made sure she had a nice Christmas.

Anyone have a similar experience?

[DeltaAlpha]

Hello All,

One particular bad memory about my exBPDgf was the "gifts" I got for Christmas. Basically, it was stuff for her. Seriously!

Plus, I made sure she had a nice Christmas.

Anyone have a similar experience?

[wanttoknowmore]

DeltaAlpha,

I think we should not generalize. All pwBPD's are not bad gift givers.

My pwBPD gave me the most thoughtful gifts... . She gave cards with immensely

meaningful and loving messages. She knew I am an avid reader so she got me Kindle Fire for Christmas.  BPD is disorder but people who have this disorder are very different from each other. IMHO.

[DeltaAlpha]

good point wanttoknowmore,Im glad you had a good experience with gifts, but I did have a question mark at the end of the subject to poll everyone 

[HarmKrakow]

I can relate to wanttoknowmore, the gifts I got, where the gift specifically for me. Nothing 'deep' but nothing which would be indirectly for her.

[LetItBe]

This was an area where my pwBPD excelled!  He gave some of the most thoughtful (sometimes homemade) gifts I've ever received. 

[HarmKrakow]

This was an area where my pwBPD excelled!  He gave some of the most thoughtful (sometimes homemade) gifts I've ever received. 

Which makes sense, because a BPD feels an emotional connection in regards of what you want, in order to please you.

What the topic starter says, might relate more towards a NPD than a BPD.

[paperlung]

She didnt even bother to get me a card for my birthday. Her's was a day after mine, but I made sure to (gifts and all). She complained about the flowers, though. *sigh*

[TheDude]

I can't relate any specific 'bad gift' incidents, exactly, but at least one strange thing that I was taken aback by. It was the week before Valentine's Day last year. We were out running errands, and at one point we separated to different stores - myself picking up a few groceries, while she did the Hallmark store (in the same mall) to (supposedly) pick up the misc. Valentines things for her kids (both teenage boys thus far uninterested in girls). When I finished with the groceries, I headed over to the Hallmark. That sounds like a normal enough chain of events, right?

As I approached her, I was greeted by rolling eyes and shaking head, as if she had just caught me drunk and stumbling out of a strip joint or something. Huh? What? This turned into her chastising me for "ruining" her attempt at getting me a Valentine's gift. I guess I was supposed to have somehow telepathically known to sit out in the car and wait for her. Long story short - it was a gift-less Valentine's for me that year.

The worst one, though, was the first breakup. ON her 40th birthday, just 24 hours after 2 dozen red roses arrived at the house. To this day, she will insist that these roses were from her girly internet friends (there was no name on the card). I doubt I'll ever know the truth about that one.

Think I'll get anything special from her when I turn 50 later this year? Not holding me breath... .  

[bondafc]

I had my 50th last summer.

She did nothing for my birthday... .   nothing... .

Absolutely brutal.

[Vegasskydiver]

For my birthday last year, my exBPDbf took me to a Vegas strip show with Holly Madison.  I kid you not... .   I was shocked.  Now tell me that wasn't ALL about him!

BTW he is NPD also!

[byasliver]

My uBPDh seemed to give great gifts with first but looking back, they were expensive and/or very high quality but not thoughtful. Flowers, jewelry, laptop, smartphone but i can't think of a single gift that required him to really think and consider my feelings... .   not one in 8 years of being together.

[mtmc01]

Mine didn't give very good gifts, and I'd get kind of frustrated. For Christmas, she just seemed to randomly click on the first 5 things she saw on Amazon... .   a wallet, a keychain, etc. For my Birthday, she got me weird patches that I had no use for from Amazon and some other weird stuff. Meanwhile, I always got really thoughtful gifts that she loved, and it made her get upset with me because they were better. Then, at valentines she got me some neat stuff that I really appreciated. It was just to spite me, as she left the next morning.

[motherof1yearold]

Good thread - all of my birthdays and holidays with exBPDh sounds similar. He would give gifts that were really intended for him- example : lingerie. One year he actually gave our daughter a gift for MY birthday. Our daughter wasn't born yet, I was pregnant. Receiving gifts from him was always awkward.  And I'll agree with other poster it is very NPD behavior.

Buying me loads of lingerie, or a movie I would NEVER watch , or the type of liquor he drinks! (LOL!) Now looking back it is laughable.

[motherof1yearold]

For my birthday last year, my exBPDbf took me to a Vegas strip show with Holly Madison.  I kid you not... .   I was shocked.  Now tell me that wasn't ALL about him!

BTW he is NPD also!

LOL I'm sorry but I did have to laugh at that one! Mine always got me lingerie It is about them! (Btw mine was NPD too!)

[Vegasskydiver]

For my birthday last year, my exBPDbf took me to a Vegas strip show with Holly Madison.  I kid you not... .   I was shocked.  Now tell me that wasn't ALL about him!

BTW he is NPD also!

LOL I'm sorry but I did have to laugh at that one! Mine always got me lingerie It is about them! (Btw mine was NPD too!)

Yes, mine was into lingerie and 5" heels to wear in the bedroom... .   that was smething he did quite frequently.  He also told me that he was addicted to internet porn.  I tried not to take that personally

[charred]

Yours gave gifts... . wow.

Mine gave me 8 shirts from JC Penney, then got mad later and asked for the money for them... . and she gave me a small gift card once. I gave her an expensive living room set, a laptop, high end wireless printer, shelving units, vaccums, Jewelry (nice stuff). I took her to Puerto Rico for 2 weeks, and many lesser trips.

Maybe we can't make broad sweeping statements... . but from my perspective, like many other things, gifts were a one way street... . she took.

[Surnia]

DeltaAlpha,

I think we should not generalize. All pwBPD's are not bad gift givers.

My pwBPD gave me the most thoughtful gifts... . She gave cards with immensely

meaningful and loving messages. She knew I am an avid reader so she got me Kindle Fire for Christmas.  BPD is disorder but people who have this disorder are very different from each other. IMHO.

I think this is an important point here.

To be a good gift giver some empathy is needed. Some are capable to do it, some not.

DeltaAlpha

Do you like making gifts? Is it important for you to choose something or make a surprise?

[motherof1yearold]

For my birthday last year, my exBPDbf took me to a Vegas strip show with Holly Madison.  I kid you not... .   I was shocked.  Now tell me that wasn't ALL about him!

BTW he is NPD also!

LOL I'm sorry but I did have to laugh at that one! Mine always got me lingerie It is about them! (Btw mine was NPD too!)

Yes, mine was into lingerie and 5" heels to wear in the bedroom... .   that was smething he did quite frequently.  He also told me that he was addicted to internet porn.  I tried not to take that personally

hahaha so true! and I remember reading something about BPD's and internet porn- saying they like it more because it is one sided. They don't have to give to the computer screen.

[DeltaAlpha]

":)eltaAlpha

Do you like making gifts? Is it important for you to choose something or make a surprise?"

Good question - Ive shopped more than Ive made, but the best gifts given/rec'd is the ones that have much thought put into them. I try to be as generous as I can possibly be. Too bad its with the wrong ones 

The answers here vary greatly! Some give and some do not. I guess there is not a consistancy here?

[mango_flower]

I always had the most thoughtful gifts, things I loved.  She was amazing at that.

Shortly after she dumped me, it was Christmas.  She got me some eyeshadow in a certain colour.  I was like "Oh, this is supposed to be a perfect shade for me".

She replied "Yes, because you have blue eyes".  Ermmmm... .   no I don't    But your new girlfriend does... .   that hurt me SO much more than I can even express.  She had no doubt about my eye colour - I have an unusual shade of green and we'd often talk about if I had a baby, it'd have my green eyes... .   *sigh*

[Clearmind]

Hello All,

One particular bad memory about my exBPDgf was the "gifts" I got for Christmas. Basically, it was stuff for her. Seriously!

Plus, I made sure she had a nice Christmas.

Anyone have a similar experience?

So while we are talking about the lack of gift giving here – it may help to start to remind ourselves what we do need in a relationship – clearly our needs where not met in our BPD relationship - how do we find out what we do need to feel loved?

DeltaAlpha, I’m not sure if you have heard of ‘Emotional Love Languages’? If not it helps to know yours.

Gary Chapman coined 5 Emotional Love languages – verbal and non-verbal means of communication between people – communicate love:

1.   Words of Affirmation – verbal appreciation, words of encouragement

2.   Quality Time – activities you both enjoy together/shared communication

3.   Receiving Gifts[/b] – visual symbols of love and devotion

Chapman says “Gifts does not have to be expensive and big all the time, it can just be buying your spouse's favorite food on your way home or her favorite flowers; or a souvenir item for your kids from your trip”

4.   Acts of service - putting out the trash, running errands, picking up the kids from school

5.   Physical touch

BPD or not it appears your ex’s love language maybe completely different to yours. She was not able to see what you needed and you didn’t feel comfortable telling her what you needed to feel loved.

Physical touch is my love language - I have had relationships in the past where my partner was not at all affectionate. Lack of touch is a trigger for me – hugs are important. My partner did not know it because he was too busy looking out for himself and I was too boundary-less to voice my need.

Since you may be speaking about what you need, and what your ex could not provide, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself:

•   How do you express love to others?

•   What do you complain about the most?

•   What do you request most often?

Compatibility in any relationship is crucial – our partners love language may not come naturally to us and vice versa – its important to find out – it helps a relationship to grow.

[draft]

LOL! Horrible gift giver.

- Gave me what I already have.

- Sat on the phone during birthday dinner

- Started the day with a fight during Christmas, Birthday and basically every celebration there was

- Didn't say thank you for flowers or any small random gifts

- Total abscence of random affection signs

Here's the funny part. My ex's friends didn't get this treatment at all!

Haha, I'm feeling so sorry for the next partner. Welcome to emotional blackmail 101.

[Louise7777]

My BPD with sadistic traits relative sends a message through gifts. Not a good message. 

The intent is to hurt and humiliate: gave bath sponge (!), bad quality candy, pins for clothes (!) and so on... .   I take that as an "I hate your guts" message.

I try to be civil and I buy her "regular" gifts, no message intended. Not same as hers, but I stopped putting much thinking on what she would like to receive.

Thats for Christmas. For birthdays she doesnt give me anything and never wishes me h. bday anymore (for maybe a decade). After a few years of that I began doing the same.

[VeryFree]

The gifts she gave were nice. It was more her reaction to the gifts I gave:

she wouldn't unpack them.

if she unpacked them, she would return them with a message, that she rather had me behave better.

if she unpacked them and used them, she would later say she didn't like the garbage I gave her.

Best: once she told me what she really wanted to have, so I bought it for her birthday. A few weeks later she told her dad (in my presence) that she didn't get any presents for her birthday. After I said something about that particular present she denied it. 

[charred]

I got the "I would rather you behave better" when I gave my exBPDgf a recliner and reclining couch (nice ones.)  Thought we would be living together ... . not happening, now I need a couch.

[VeryFree]

I got the "I would rather you behave better" when I gave my exBPDgf a recliner and reclining couch (nice ones.)  Thought we would be living together ... . not happening, now I need a couch.

After getting a gift and behaving like I wrote, she often would tell me she didn't want anything different than me behaving beter. I should remind her about that, now she is living in our house (half is mine and I'm paying 75%), with our stuff (half is mine), getting money every month from me and trying to get extreme financial benefits from me.

I'd better not, I do know the answer allready: she would say it's her right. And probably that's correct in a world where the healthy working onces must pay for the rest.

[TheDude]

I got the "I would rather you behave better" when I gave my exBPDgf a recliner and reclining couch (nice ones.)  Thought we would be living together ... . not happening, now I need a couch.

Heh. I didn't get the 'behave better' bit, but she was with me to pick out the new Italian leather sofa and loveseat... .   which wasn't even in the house 24 hours before the complaining started about what bad furniture it was. Then there's the two big hi-def TV's, which have too complicated remotes. Of course, all those things - and two engagement rings - remain in her possession. 

[Louise7777]

The "Id rather u behaved better" sounds more like a parent´s line to his small kid... .   And still, weird thing to say.

[Findingmysong723]

This is a slight switch, but my Ex Boyfriend (undiagnosed) did get me gifts he knew I liked. Things I mentioned to him and he would remember and buy them. I'm really into music, and I told him one of the musicals I never got to see but wanted to and he saved up money to buy us tickets to go. He did nice things for me, but obviously that isn't enough to make up with the blowing up, push and pull you know the deal.

When we were breaking up and having one of our last conversations, he told me he had wished I had given him more sentimental gifts for Christmas. I had given him gift cards, which might not be sentimental per se but I did it so he could purchase items he had been wanting to purchase for himself. I guess maybe he wanted something to remember me by... .   maybe not really sure. However, my cards always were emotional ones... . so he had that.