minor set back.

[mitchell16]

My exBPDgf hated fb when we were together. During the early stages of our relationship say for the first 8 months she liked it was always posting our pics togetehr but going past teh first year she all of a sudden hated it and hated that I had page. Woul always want me to shut mine down and so on. After our break up about 6 weeks ago she opened her back up. I always ahd mine up. This was no big deal. But she lives in another state but works in my state. all of a sudden shes making friends that are in my circle of people and from my home town. Now she know these people but all of a sudden she friending theon facebook. This wasnt a very big deal. Today she friends a close asscoiate of mine and also post her picture. I saw it thru my page becasue me and this other person are friends. I had been doing very good and havent been having alot of problems being away from her. The the break up was her wanting it but the NC was me. She attempted to reach me a few times but I havent heard a word in 2 weeks now. But when I saw her picture it just broke my heart. really kick in me missing her. I feel almost like it was day one after the break up.

[paperlung]

Block her on Facebook, then.

[laelle]

Hey there Mitchell,

I can really relate to what your saying here.  I know it must be difficult working so hard to detach, to have her unwanted presence come back into your circle.  You have few choices here and its up to you to gauge which you feel you will be able to hold down the fort with.

In my opinion it is an attempt to push some of your buttons to get a reaction out of you.

What kind of reaction will you give her?

You can:

Do as Paperlung suggested and block her on facebook.  It will give her a slight reaction from you, but at least its one where you wont be troubled seeing things that you dont want to see.  You have every right to take out of your life what hurts you or is not worth your time or effort.

You can ignore it.  Personally this is the point where I am.  I would rather give no reaction at all.  I, however am at a different point in my grieving and I would rather look something square in the eye and show it does not effect me rather than to block it  

What ways do you think would help you to handle this without re engaging yourself in this womans life?

Is she sharing information with her new "friends" about your relationship?

[mitchell16]

I have know Idea if she is sharing or relationship or not with them. It was aggravating becuase when we were togther I couldnt get her to get involved with anything with my life in my hometown. We always focused on her hometown. know that we are a apart and its best if we just avoid each other the best we can, she all of a sudden is involved with everything in hometown and has become the FB queen. just frustrating. I have avoided her, have not contacted her, talked to any of "our friends" that were her friends before me. I liked them and did enjoy the freindships but no point since without her I wont ever see them again. so why keep it going? I think I will just ignore it. any reaction will reward her behavior. and I know it pointless to try a figure what her intentions are. But why not just have a shred of trying to be decent.

[recoil]

These setbacks are hard.

Imagine working for the same company.  Earlier this week, she walked by my office.  She hasn't done that in almost three months.  She's been reaching out to me weekly since she asked for a break.  I guess that's her "poke" of the week or I'm reading too much into the event.

I was fine during the day but had extreme anxiety later that night.  I almost called her.  I've kept my distance though.

I think our reactions are normal under the circumstances.

Mine did the same thing with FB.  In the beginning, she was against it.  Then she started using it a lot.  Then she was against it.  She flip flopped like she did in our relationship.  FB's feelings must be hurt with the splitting and push/pull, right? 

[mitchell16]

it hurts, considering she was so down of fb while we were togther. Could stand it. while the honeymoon phase was at it peak, she was all about fb, then she flipped flopped and decided that she hated fb. and know we are not together she gets on fb. That would be fine, thats her busines. I have know probalem with that. But its like why, keep involved in my life. Let me go and let it end. She made her decision for us to go our seperate ways and I honored that request. But know it like she is putting it up in my face. I will just have to block her and unfriend any mutal friends. I never thought I would have to resort to this behavior. She is professional person and so am I. we mother are in our late forties and have had numerous relationship so you would think we could act like adults. But of course what was I thinking, she is adult in body only.

[recoil]

We think alike.

I keep asking myself, since she wanted the "break", why does she keep reaching out to me?  Why won't she just let me be.  I'm letting her be.

Best I can come up with is she changes her mind frequently, probably with her moods/feelings. 

In the end, it doesn't matter anymore. 

I've begun to tell myself things like:

I cannot be in a relationship with someone who pushes/pulls me at will. 

I cannot be in a relationship with someone who takes and barely gives.

I cannot be with someone who is chronically depressed.

And so forth

So trying to figure her out is a waste of my time since I cannot be in a relationship with her.  If she could fix these things, I could be in a relationship with her again.

Not to be mean, but I won't be holding my breath.

[Vegasskydiver]

My exBPDgf hated fb when we were together. During the early stages of our relationship say for the first 8 months she liked it was always posting our pics togetehr but going past teh first year she all of a sudden hated it and hated that I had page. Woul always want me to shut mine down and so on. After our break up about 6 weeks ago she opened her back up. I always ahd mine up. This was no big deal. But she lives in another state but works in my state. all of a sudden shes making friends that are in my circle of people and from my home town. Now she know these people but all of a sudden she friending theon facebook. This wasnt a very big deal. Today she friends a close asscoiate of mine and also post her picture. I saw it thru my page becasue me and this other person are friends. I had been doing very good and havent been having alot of problems being away from her. The the break up was her wanting it but the NC was me. She attempted to reach me a few times but I havent heard a word in 2 weeks now. But when I saw her picture it just broke my heart. really kick in me missing her. I feel almost like it was day one after the break up.

Interesting... .   my exBPDbf had the exact same pattern.  He loved posting photos of us during the first six months of our relationship and then threatened me if I didn't close my FB account, he couldn't be with me.  I gave in to him.  He said that the idea of men being able to contact me was to unnerving for him.  I knew nothing about BPD at that time.  Now that we have broken up for good he started up on FB again.  I did too, bt i never had a problem with it.  I blocked him immediately because for me it would be puretorture to witness him and whoever his next "VICTIM" is.  I still love him very much but can't take all the abuse that comes with him and BPD. 

I am sorry that you are hurting.

[mitchell16]

well I relized her problem with my FB was she couldnt control it. It was a way for me to be in contact with other people that she didnt know and couldnt control what i said or did. It took me awhile to relize that. But when I did I started seeing how she was doing it in all aspects of my life. My friends at work, She didnt want me confiding in them about or problems. My life friends, all had something wrong with them per her and I should be freinds with them. Stopped coming to my house when I had an adult family member who was have trouble move in with me, said it did like right for her to be there. But never mind she would go to her cousins, who had drunken parties and had strangers sleeping over at his house. That was ok.  she was trying divinding me away from my support systems. Like said I thought we could just stay out of each other site, avoid each other so as not cause any pain. But it doesnt look like she is going to make it that easy for me.

[laelle]

I honestly believe that sometimes they break up as punishment.  "oh yeah, you say or do those things to me and im never going to talk to you again"  Sounds like a girl I use to play with when I was 9.  Real intentions to do so as they are angry, but as they calm down, sometimes they may find you arent as bad as all that, and maybe you can share an ice cream together, and maybe you will pay for it even.  The focus however, is still on themselves and not a bit about how you feel.  Its what benefit you serve to them.

I would want someone to share an ice cream with me not because they are bored and want me to pay for it, but because they enjoy sharing an ice cream and talking with me.

[mitchell16]

I think your right about punishement. She would cause problems, I stand my ground or call her out on her behavior. bam, she breaks up with me and labels it as Im too controlling, Im too jealous, Im to insecure. Think about all that. she would say I was to controlling becasue I wanted to go on vaction with her, instead of her going with freinds (girlfriends and their husband) while I got left in the rear. I was too jealouse because she gave some guy her phone number in a bar one night and he was callng and texting and I didnt like it. I was to insecure becasue I would worry that for every good time we had after it was over she wanted to break up with which create a fear of that I could never feel secure with our realtionship. I mean who could, you never knew when the crap was goin to hit the fan or even why or what would cause it. But you better beleive that she would banish me from her site the minute I objected to something or put my foot down on bad behavior.

Well the fb posting has increased in the last 24 hours. and it is really getting to me. So I deleted my account, should solve the problem. Of course in my mind it has create the thoughts of is this an attempt to at contact without contact. as a way of getting under my skin? and yes, Im letting it. But it so hard not to. why punish me? I didnt want the break up or even cause it. Maybe by deleteing my account I have solved the problem since that was the last connection directley to me.

[laelle]

Well done.    Way to go with knowing your limits and sticking up for yourself.