missing my 'step son' is really getting me down

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Quick background.  Dated and lived with my ex for 2.5 years, she has a lil boy who I first met when he was 1 and last saw him he was 3.5, his real dad was in jail and has no contact, I helped raise him, he called me daddy, I saw him as my own.

When we split she said I can't see him anymore and the new boyfriend of hers is going to be his 'daddy'

So of course I miss him and always think about how he is, but I have a problem detaching from him as I still see him as my son, I know he is not my responsibility anymore, and that I'm not letting him down as if it was up to me I would still be in his life. Yet I feel guilty I'm not there. This new guy might be good for him and that's great, yet his relationship with the mother will most likely breakdown and that's more hurt for the boy. I love him and just don't know how to let him go. Its really messing me up.

[trevjim]

Quick background.  Dated and lived with my ex for 2.5 years, she has a lil boy who I first met when he was 1 and last saw him he was 3.5, his real dad was in jail and has no contact, I helped raise him, he called me daddy, I saw him as my own.

When we split she said I can't see him anymore and the new boyfriend of hers is going to be his 'daddy'

So of course I miss him and always think about how he is, but I have a problem detaching from him as I still see him as my son, I know he is not my responsibility anymore, and that I'm not letting him down as if it was up to me I would still be in his life. Yet I feel guilty I'm not there. This new guy might be good for him and that's great, yet his relationship with the mother will most likely breakdown and that's more hurt for the boy. I love him and just don't know how to let him go. Its really messing me up.

[sunrising]

trevjim, I'm so sorry.  I know how bad this hurts.  I am in a similar situation except my ex's son is nearly a teenager.  We also became very close, also over 2.5 years.  I'm one of at least 5 men who've come in and out of his relatively short life, thanks to his mother's unstable relationships.  I'd like to tell you that you may be able to find a way to be in his life.  When my relationship with his mother ended, I was allowed.  Then I was split back and disallowed.  Then I was allowed again.  Now I am, again, disallowed.  All of that in < 3 months.  It became clear that being able to spend time with her son was going to be used as a tool to manipulate me and was not being done with his best interests in mind.  I couldn't take part in that, for him or for me.  So if your ex is anything like mine, I'd have to recommend that you find a way to detach from the kid too.  Incredibly painful as that will be... .    

I wish I knew of a way to make you feel better.  If I did, I'd be using it and would certainly share it, but I don't.  In the meantime, here's a big man hug 

[trevjim]

Haha Thanks sunrising

Makes me sick to see men and women in the world who dont care about their own children when there are people like us who would give the world for children that are not even blood related.

[sunrising]

Makes me sick to see men and women in the world who dont care about their own children when there are people like us who would give the world for children that are not even blood related.

I know how you feel.  I have no doubt that my ex cares about her son, but her actions at times certainly would suggest otherwise.  Sort of like how I know she cared about me (at least was afraid of losing me), even though her actions certainly also suggested otherwise at times.  She knows her actions have affected her son.  She has told me so a number of times.  It's hard to always keep this in mind, but most of the time I realize she just can't help herself.  This disorder is real. 

Have you read this? How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children   I can't say it's particularly uplifting in a situation like ours, but it's educational; and sometimes that's the best we can hope for... .  

sunrising

[trevjim]

Thanks ill check it out! She was always a good mother on the day to day things, fantastic infact, she also blamed herself for him not havin his birth dad around and for him being taken into care for a bit due to the birth dads violence. Its sad but as you say they do want the best, they just struggle with the disorder.