How long is this gonna take?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I;m probably guilty of a record amount of posting and sorry for being a hog.

I am posting here rather than in emailing or texting her.

For those of you who have (luckily) avoided reading to my rambling tale, the short story is I ended my engagement with my exBPD fiancee about 3.5 years ago. I know her for almost 6 years and we have almost always been in touch, practically daily before and after.

She came to see me about 6 weeks ago and when she returned home and ignored for for about 18 hours (leading me to believe she slept with someone she dated on the first date (turned out to be with her 'ex' , it triggered a true PTSD reaction that brought me back to the original pain I had experienced. That's when I started posting here.

She came back yet again about 2 weeks ago and stayed with me (she lives 3K miles away) but was here for business. She had told me without notice or preamble that she had to attend an important trade show the next day. I totally understood but she was attending it with an ex and the ex was her twin sisters ex too and that all ended creepy and weird. I was obviously not happy and finally I declared it was over yet again and she left... .   It's ended this way each and every time we saw each other (about 6 times since I broke up with her).

I have dated quite a bit in all this time but now, after seeing things in the stark reality for what it always was, I am left just reeling... . And it's only day 3 of LC.

I do have the urge to reach out but each time, I just replay the vast collection of memories of all the other times it went nowhere and I'm ok (for now).

I know this is a pretty lame question and I have a lot of experience in life and in ending a 20 year relationship with my ex wife and a two year relationship with the NPD I started with after my exBPD fiancee.

So while I have gone through difficult breakups, this feels different.

I don't cry or want to cry... . I found a shirt she had left here and i tore it in half and threw it out... . but not with the anger or 'zeal' I used to have.

it's just over and I am just flatter than I remember being in a long time.

I have trouble motivating to go out and do things... . I had plans that seem to be cancelled for tonight... .   that isn't making me feel any better.

Any shared experienced appreciated.

[Hurt llama]

Hi all,

I;m probably guilty of a record amount of posting and sorry for being a hog.

I am posting here rather than in emailing or texting her.

For those of you who have (luckily) avoided reading to my rambling tale, the short story is I ended my engagement with my exBPD fiancee about 3.5 years ago. I know her for almost 6 years and we have almost always been in touch, practically daily before and after.

She came to see me about 6 weeks ago and when she returned home and ignored for for about 18 hours (leading me to believe she slept with someone she dated on the first date (turned out to be with her 'ex' , it triggered a true PTSD reaction that brought me back to the original pain I had experienced. That's when I started posting here.

She came back yet again about 2 weeks ago and stayed with me (she lives 3K miles away) but was here for business. She had told me without notice or preamble that she had to attend an important trade show the next day. I totally understood but she was attending it with an ex and the ex was her twin sisters ex too and that all ended creepy and weird. I was obviously not happy and finally I declared it was over yet again and she left... .   It's ended this way each and every time we saw each other (about 6 times since I broke up with her).

I have dated quite a bit in all this time but now, after seeing things in the stark reality for what it always was, I am left just reeling... . And it's only day 3 of LC.

I do have the urge to reach out but each time, I just replay the vast collection of memories of all the other times it went nowhere and I'm ok (for now).

I know this is a pretty lame question and I have a lot of experience in life and in ending a 20 year relationship with my ex wife and a two year relationship with the NPD I started with after my exBPD fiancee.

So while I have gone through difficult breakups, this feels different.

I don't cry or want to cry... . I found a shirt she had left here and i tore it in half and threw it out... . but not with the anger or 'zeal' I used to have.

it's just over and I am just flatter than I remember being in a long time.

I have trouble motivating to go out and do things... . I had plans that seem to be cancelled for tonight... .   that isn't making me feel any better.

Any shared experienced appreciated.

[sueyo]

I understand how you feel. I'm only a month out of my exBPD relationship. I was so attached to her and gave so much of myself to her, to her life, keeping our lives running at smoothly as possible and that took a lot of energy and focus. I completely lost myself and became 'her extension' and enmeshed.

This kind of attachment is difficult to break away from because literally it feels like a huge part of you is gone. All your left with is you, and at this point who are you now?

The only thing I try and do now is keep the NC rule going (and it is hard) because I want my BPD 'fix'. she was like a drug to me. I was addicted to all that crazy BPD crap. its gonna take time, this I know. it just sucks waiting for time to pass.

You have to be doing something to re- TRAIN your mind to stop thinking of her and begin to build your self worth back. It takes energy and I know it must seem like your drained and exhausted at times, but love yourself enough to forge on. Keep busy.

Believe me, I have more bad days than good, but it slowly started to shift.

[marbleloser]

Have you taken the time to be alone? I see that you've dated,been married,engaged,etc.,,but has there been a time where you've ever been alone for a period? Just to have time for your thoughts,your own interests,getting to know yourself without a SO?Take the time,as boring as it is,to enjoy being "you".Just you.By yourself.

I know it gets lonely,but one of the best things I did last year was to just be by myself.Nap when I wanted,watch what I wanted,read what I wanted,go where I wanted,and do what I wanted,without anyone to tell me otherwise.

[Hurt llama]

Have you taken the time to be alone? I see that you've dated,been married,engaged,etc.,,but has there been a time where you've ever been alone for a period? Just to have time for your thoughts,your own interests,getting to know yourself without a SO?Take the time,as boring as it is,to enjoy being "you".Just you.By yourself.

I know it gets lonely,but one of the best things I did last year was to just be by myself.Nap when I wanted,watch what I wanted,read what I wanted,go where I wanted,and do what I wanted,without anyone to tell me otherwise.

Good question and yes I have. I didn't date until I moved out of the house years ago from my ex wife... . I did meet someone great and was in love for the second time of my life (she's still someone I am in touch with all this time)... . but that ended after a few years (i really loved her which was wonderful)... .   and when that ended I enjoyed a fun year of truly single life... . was really crazy and my kind of fun. I was able to meet women easily and ending even if not easy (is it ever?) was nothing even a fraction of what I have experienced of course with my BPD ex.

I'm alone constantly.  I sold my business and don't work and haven't for a long time... . instead I am pursuing a fun and weird life as an artist... . It's a dream on all levels... . but it's lonely at times, even though I am very gregarious, meet people easily and have made 4 good new friends in the last few months!

I don't yearn for my ex like I used to... . I am sure my feelings will go in and out, especially if I drink a little or am triggered into so so many connections and memories. But by constantly writing, probably much to much thinking, I am almost training my brain to rethink about how I have viewed her ever since we met, even when we were constantly breaking up. It clearly was addictive for me.

All of this can't be on her... .   It's a combination of mid life stuff and many (positive) changes I've made... .   Kids getting older, not working at a young age, moving into the city, ending certain negative friendships, losing my closest friend in a motor cycle accident and a few other pretty major things.

But I've done all the therapy I can stomach. It's pointless right now. I've taken my share of SSRI's and they don't do anything for me.

I am 'playing' with the hypothesis that I have been more 'damaged' more hurt and more significantly effected by my ex BPD having disappeared years ago and me learning of her infidelity. I do not think I ever healed from  that and instead got her back, got engaged and wrecked her life in the process... .   Not intentionally, she made it easy.

ANd yes there is a layer even before that "Original Pain', that could be connected to my first wife and before that my mother.

I think we all have 'damage' as small children or most of us that is... .

Its been extremely confusing in 'assigning' which damage goes where... . and I am really thinking that the trauma I experienced with my exBPD, was a death of a part of me on the deepest of levels... .   The love of my life, each other's soul mates. I won't go on in disgusting detail as I know all of you have experienced that same incredible feeling... . but now, I see it as just false and probably a depression that has existed on some level since she did that to me and then again destroyed the last piece last year in what I have affectionately coined, "The Condom Incident"

Yes, I've been alone quite a bit and dated a lot... .   I am sensing or hoping things will turn around with warmer weather... . but I am so wiped out I feel like it's a struggle to walk 1/2 mile... .   unreal.

thank you for reading 

[Surrender]

ANd yes there is a layer even before that "Original Pain', that could be connected to my first wife and before that my mother.

I think we all have 'damage' as small children or most of us that is... .

Its been extremely confusing in 'assigning' which damage goes where... . and I am really thinking that the trauma I experienced with my exBPD, was a death of a part of me on the deepest of levels... .   The love of my life, each other's soul mates.

... .  but I am so wiped out I feel like it's a struggle to walk 1/2 mile... .   unreal.

thank you for reading  

This insight is like looking at a horizon because it means that through all of this, it may feel like your coming undone but in reality it is actually truly dealing with the wounds we have naturally buried. There is an incredible resilience with young age and a part of that I believe is the ability to bury our core issues until we are truly able to complete the mission. Perhaps that is why we subconsciously like magnets attracted our exes?  In a way it is healing because these things have been excavated and that is what I too am experiencing through this dark light. I call it dark light because although it feels like I am surrounded by darkness, it is actually light that is penetrating through me but for now I need the darkness to shield my eyes from the brilliant light. Soon I know I will no longer require that protection.

[Hurt llama]

I understand how you feel. I'm only a month out of my exBPD relationship. I was so attached to her and gave so much of myself to her, to her life, keeping our lives running at smoothly as possible and that took a lot of energy and focus. I completely lost myself and became 'her extension' and enmeshed.

This kind of attachment is difficult to break away from because literally it feels like a huge part of you is gone. All your left with is you, and at this point who are you now?

The only thing I try and do now is keep the NC rule going (and it is hard) because I want my BPD 'fix'. she was like a drug to me. I was addicted to all that crazy BPD crap. its gonna take time, this I know. it just sucks waiting for time to pass.

You have to be doing something to re- TRAIN your mind to stop thinking of her and begin to build your self worth back. It takes energy and I know it must seem like your drained and exhausted at times, but love yourself enough to forge on. Keep busy.

Believe me, I have more bad days than good, but it slowly started to shift.

Before starting to post here and even with all the therapy I've done in the past, I NEVER connected the 'void', the feeling of lost self as pretty much all of us post about directly with my BPD relationship.

I do remind myself that ending any very significant relationship by divorce, breaking up or death is always an extremely difficult event, probably in the top 1or 2 top stressful events in our lives but a BPD relationship is the same thing but feels like it's on steroids or something.

I looked at pictures tonight and some were of my ex... . I have literally zero feelings of good memories, it's like a switch was thrown. I saw on picture I took of her sleeping and it's a sexy shot and when I saw it last week, I emailed it to her and made some comment... .  and now when I look at it, i either feel nothing or curse her memory, depending on the moment.

I will admit, I really did like receiving two emails from her today, I wish I didn't feel anything... .  but they were just links of a very interesting and actually very helpful subject to me... .  I thought of responding but if she wants connection with me as I know she does, it's gonna take a bit more effort than that and good for her (and me) that she's not making it.

[Validation78]

Your experience is not unlike many who have decided to end relationships with pwBPD. The feelings that we get when we have contact with them, after we split are very typical. Hence the reason why many of us need to maintain our distance, some to the point of no contact at all. It's not out of anger, spite, punishment. It's self protection, and if you are still feeling triggered in any way, unable to move on an lead a fulfilling life after 3.5 years, perhaps you should consider cutting off all contact, at least until you feel like she's totally out of your system. It would be nice to be able to maintain friendships and contact with someone who is special to us, however, it's not always what's best for us.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[laelle]

As I found so helpful in another post.

Sometimes you just have to do things because they need doing regardless of the pain they cause.  Taking control of you and protecting and providing for your wants, needs and emotions in general will aid you in your journey to be whole again.

[Hurt llama]

Your experience is not unlike many who have decided to end relationships with pwBPD. The feelings that we get when we have contact with them, after we split are very typical. Hence the reason why many of us need to maintain our distance, some to the point of no contact at all. It's not out of anger, spite, punishment. It's self protection, and if you are still feeling triggered in any way, unable to move on an lead a fulfilling life after 3.5 years, perhaps you should consider cutting off all contact, at least until you feel like she's totally out of your system. It would be nice to be able to maintain friendships and contact with someone who is special to us, however, it's not always what's best for us.

Best Wishes,

Val78

THanks for the post Val... .  Woke up and felt the tug to reach out to her but can't right now.

I wonder some days how I can have a full whole life while I had been so attached all day every day via texting and other ways of contact.

It was 'fun' to always have her as part of my life and at the same time have all the freedom as a single guy 3K miles away. I could do anything I wanted, no need to explain to her and yet it while I had one perception and was ok with this odd connection, what she was experiencing on the other end was quite different. I was completely attached in a codependant way to her to fill in the blanks in my life but she not only got her fulfillment in having me there as support, guide, coach and loan officer and at the same time she maintainted a very clear and direct desire to be with me as her one and only love.

She never moved from that position. I do have to give her credit in that way... .  That the connection she did have to me, is one she won't ever have again... . but it's not all about me of course, it's that she took a giant chance wtih me by relocating her life to move in with me and shortly thereafter I sent her home. It was even more devastating to her than it would be to almost any other normal person... .  I had said to her coldly, "Even Cindy Crawford got dumped".

I was livid at how she was treating me. I didn't know she had BPD... .  she was acting out and I interpreted it as a desire for me to end it as that's what she seemed to be wanting by her non stop criticism and insistance that I take 'anger management' courses

I miss her terribly right now... . but I do ask myself what exactly am I missing? Am I missing? and it's a complicated reality as it's not just the Crazy Land Roller Coaster. As we shared almost all things in common, small things. Talk about compatible... .  Besides the BPD (haha that sounds insane actually) she was just by nature and general temperament the kind of person I liked to be with... .  Hate to say it but, yes, very much like family in a good way... .

I can't lie here as that's the whole point in why I joined. I do like her reaching for me even with a simple text... . and I know she would also feel good if I sent her any response but I need, I deserve more. Even if I were to slip back for a few days with her (I have said this many times here), it would take words from her to make it happen... .  I can't reach for her and do the usual dance and get her back in bed only for me to be sickened imagining the way she conducts her self with former and current and any men in her life.

No, she's not this crazy slut I have thought she is but she is, (to me) a disgusting person who uses men heartlessly and with no remorse or any ability to ever see anything she does EVER as 'wrong'... .  ever. it's down right creepy, eerie and disconcerting to say the least.

I don't miss 'her' as much as I miss 'it'. The 'it' being that not 'high' feeling but just good even healthy connection that (unfortunately) we did also share.

[Hurt llama]

Have you taken the time to be alone? I see that you've dated,been married,engaged,etc.,,but has there been a time where you've ever been alone for a period? Just to have time for your thoughts,your own interests,getting to know yourself without a SO?Take the time,as boring as it is,to enjoy being "you".Just you.By yourself.

I know it gets lonely,but one of the best things I did last year was to just be by myself.Nap when I wanted,watch what I wanted,read what I wanted,go where I wanted,and do what I wanted,without anyone to tell me otherwise.

Re-reading this thread and I did respond to your questions (and thank you for asking them), I am asking myself the same questions now... .

While, yes, I've been alone for long periods of time, with healthy breaks from dating and doing many good things in my life BUT, how long have I been alone without the crutch of connection to either my ex BPD fiancee/GF or my rebound ex-gf via a constant stream of push pull texting, calls, emails, etc? And honestly the push pull contact has been largely emanating from me.

So to re-answer your question in that context... . I have not been truly alone in a very long time. And yes, once again the analogy to drug addiction clearly does apply... . and the reason for it, after spending full time work on myself for years in therapy is I think that my ex BPD infidelity at the beginning of the relationship and the way I have been off balance, not on stable ground with her ever has truly caused some damage to me. It's not even about blame and it's not a soundbite easy simple answer. There is what I call "Original Pain' in probably all of us. As life by definition is painful and we have certain almost necessary and unnecessary pain or 'trauma's" in our development early in life.

There are obvious questions about the connection of this "OP" and the pain I suffered as a child with a NPD mother. I didn't have any obvious 'trauma' as a kid. Things looked mostly normal and they were. But the complicated triggers connections and familiar feelings of not feeling 'safe' with my mother (for reasons not obvious at all as a child) and the way I have felt with my BPD partner and even the next rebound all are so clearly tied in.

Unraveling what is what feels impossible and I have decided it is impossible and that the only 'solution' is to do the one thing I can do and break away from BPD ex as the other ex is resolved and fine thankfully.

The Original Pain I refer to with my ex in cheating on me, I believe was the most traumatic event in my adult life and that I never recovered, never regained my footing and I spent years intwined with her in a complicated dance in which I was more than the willing partner. Push Pull... .  oh yeah, I did that like a zen master.

Someone once told me that when dealing with a snake, put on snakeskin and I certainly did.

So here I stand, head in hand.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKHA2AGbXtI

[Clearmind]

Hurt, I felt like I had come full circle. I had been living my life on repeat – I was choosing situations because that was where my head was at. I didn’t know any different. It was safe, I didn’t have to face anything in my life, I was beginning to ride on empty and my worth came to a grinding halt.

It so happened that the last relationship break up was the wake up call I needed – it put a big kink in my armour. That armour (my childhood script) has slowly been peeled off bit by bit – I felt so damn exposed and vulnerable for the first time in my life.

I didn’t have my ex to hide behind, goodness – even my own therapist was not letting me hide.

Our partners were a reminder of all the things we need to work through – remove the armour so we can rebuild our worth minus the childhood script. Trust that you are where you need to be right now - its tough however necessary.

Often we don't afford ourselves the time to really think, reflect and process - we are busy planning the next thing to hide behind. Feel it - Don't hide.

The Original Pain I refer to with my ex in cheating on me, I believe was the most traumatic event in my adult life and that I never recovered, never regained my footing and I spent years intwined with her in a complicated dance in which I was more than the willing partner. Push Pull... .  oh yeah, I did that like a zen master.

Her infidelity is hers to own. It was a self gratifying act and speaks volumes of her moral and ethical code. It’s not about you or your perceived failings however we tend to cast self criticism and blame for something we could not control - cue childhood script.

Hurt, maybe you need to begin to accept that she isn’t what you thought she was, and she proved that to you. She showed you who she was – stop taking the blame for her decisions.

How long is this gonna take? If you continue to keep seeing her the way you look at her, you will hurt until you change your perception of her.

[Hurt llama]

Hurt, I felt like I had come full circle. I had been living my life on repeat – I was choosing situations because that was where my head was at. I didn’t know any different. It was safe, I didn’t have to face anything in my life, I was beginning to ride on empty and my worth came to a grinding halt.

It so happened that the last relationship break up was the wake up call I needed – it put a big kink in my armour. That armour (my childhood script) has slowly been peeled off bit by bit – I felt so damn exposed and vulnerable for the first time in my life.

I didn’t have my ex to hide behind, goodness – even my own therapist was not letting me hide.

Our partners were a reminder of all the things we need to work through – remove the armour so we can rebuild our worth minus the childhood script. Trust that you are where you need to be right now - its tough however necessary.

Often we don't afford ourselves the time to really think, reflect and process - we are busy planning the next thing to hide behind. Feel it - Don't hide.

The Original Pain I refer to with my ex in cheating on me, I believe was the most traumatic event in my adult life and that I never recovered, never regained my footing and I spent years intwined with her in a complicated dance in which I was more than the willing partner. Push Pull... .  oh yeah, I did that like a zen master.

Her infidelity is hers to own. It was a self gratifying act and speaks volumes of her moral and ethical code. It’s not about you or your perceived failings however we tend to cast self criticism and blame for something we could not control - cue childhood script.

Hurt, maybe you need to begin to accept that she isn’t what you thought she was, and she proved that to you. She showed you who she was – stop taking the blame for her decisions.

How long is this gonna take? If you continue to keep seeing her the way you look at her, you will hurt until you change your perception of her.

Thanks for the clear (I expect nothing less) and pretty hard truth. I like it. But don't love it if you know what I mean.  :'(

I've been through a lot of pain in my life, haven't we all. I won't hide and I won't run but I wish I could.

I'm not planning any next anything. This is my life and I have worked very hard on all aspects of my life and created well... .  just what I have.

I won't lie and make like I am not feeling exposed, bare and raw in a way I don't think I have in a long time, if ever. I'm recognizing that I am letting go of her and more importantly facing the void in a flat, plain way.

Yes for sure I see and get that she was and all people to an extent are mirrors or the relationships contain lessons for us. As far as her infidelity, a lot has changed in how I feel about it. I was done long ago with my initial feeling of being easily replaced... . Clearly that wasn't the case and the one solid thing I carry is no fear of her meeting someone and getting or being better with anyone else. I almost wish it could happen. But regardless that's not my issue at least or not anymore.

And yes I hear you about peeling off the armour (again!).

You know what I am feeling now or starting to is that the energy put into learning more about BPD, diagnosing and even understanding the illness/disorder means almost nothing to me anymore. I know all I need to know and even if she didn't have BPD, it would make no difference and in a fantasy world it would actually be even worse I suppose if this was a version of "normal'.

I don't know if the hardest parts are behind me or not. I have done work in this relationship. Long, hard, rough and tough work. Together and individually and in years of therapy not to mention reading, learning everything I can to understand it all better.

I know the grief process and the stages of grief are not necessarily in a straight line or occur in perfect sequence. Right now it's feeling as if there's no where to run, nothing to 'learn' about her' no point in repeating the stories I came here so wanting to share about all the horrible experiences and pain I have dealt with. I'm not interested in any of it.

I'm left facing that void and admitting things I don't want to admit about myself. That when I dated, I did compare any and all women to her and felt the tug, the pull towards her more than ever when I would meet someone else... .  Sex with other women, no matter how 'good' made me miss her more. I have accepted in the last few months that dating my way out of this isn't going to happen.

I can't drink, do drugs, go to strip clubs or anesthetize myself to avoid this process. I've tried. I've tried quite hard. It can't work for me and thank God, I don't have any addictions (other than fear of losing connection I suppose) or I would be in some really deep water.  

Winston Churchill said a few things I do hold onto and used to think about during my divorce long ago and again in shedding the last of the remnants of my ex. It is always darkest before the dawn. And 'when going through hell. Keep going' and I will.

I am in mourning this loss as it needs to be mourned.

I posted for the first time in the "Taking Inventory' part of the forum.

It's hard to imagine my life without her in it. Even though she's been out of it for over 3 years... .  I guess those 5-6 times i saw her in between coupled with texting all day and video chats haven't done me any favors.

Imagining a partner I would want to be with, is literally impossible.

And it's not just because of the dysfunctional excitement and all that comes with the BPD package... .  I am different I feel than most men in that I don't fit molds, I am just a weird mix of things that I don't easily seeing a partner who can hold my attention that is safe at the same time. I am accepting that maybe it's ok never to have a partner again. I'm almost out of middle age, two amazing kids and just about all anyone could want in this world. My life is a fantasy that I created and built without the benefit of a HS education. I am fiercely proud of my hard times as a teenager and young adult. I am a bit of a role model for my children and many I come into touch with. Maybe and probably I have gotten and will continue to get exactly what I want. It's time to accept that. I already have been at the same time.

I know the answers are all within me and that I'm probably repeating 'familiar' patterns and dysfunctional 'comfort' in partners who are anything but safe and ultimately are selfish not really as good as they seem on the outside.

You hit it hard and dead on with you answer to the thread title, How long is this going to take? "If you continue to look at her until you change you change your perception of her.

I get that.

Easier to delude myself and buy into the 'as if's" (as my therapist called it)

The real true bottom line of my ex's behaviour screamed out to almost anyone else who knew the relationship and how she acted in it. I knew it all. I really did. Every.single.thing.

My biggest mistake, and I said this out loud to her way back in the beginning, was in overestimating the power of my words, of myself. I didn't know any better. I do give myself that permission. Or I actually DID know better but chose to stay in Crazy Land hating the ride and wanting to get back on thinking if I made certain 'rules' I would be safe... .  and yeah I was in a way... . I never married her and I thought I could be somehow not really effected by this weird friends with benefits relationship that was an absolute sham. TO be 'fair', she never moved one iota from her position that she loved me and felt I was the only man she could tolerate for more than a few days at a time... .  But the real truth was she couldn't tolerate me either or not the real me... .  I had to walk on eggshells, I had to be careful and I always was trying to please her... .  

I'm going to do us all a favor and not share the stories, the tales of pain and all that comes along with the ride as I think I am wearing myself out and not doing myself any good in ruminating about any of it.

The real truth? it's easier to focus on the drama, the hurt the disappointments that the reality of the Void.

Thank you Clearmind. I'll remember never to ask you for advice unless I am ready to hear it.

I think I'm there. : ,

Should I try to cry? I don't want to.  

[Clearmind]

You are a wonderful human being Hurt and your post was a truly moving and honest account of where you have been - I see your future being a lot brighter.

A Healthy/Self Aware does not change their spots for anyone! And the right person for you will never expect you to change either - they will love you unconditionally. For whatever reason we chased conditional relationships - we felt loved if only we did x,y,z - we chased a person who was emotional unavailable only to find in the end - we were also unavailable - unavailable to those that were healthy - dysfunction is way more attractive to us when we are accustomed to it. It’s the norm.

Yes, for the time being we feel a huge void because we are no longer embroiled in the "excitement... .  addiction" of a Borderline relationship. Our partners were to us who we wanted them to be - for me - if I remove the magical thinking my ex was so incompatible beyond belief. I changed my spots to fit and he changed his to fit mine - we both got lost along the way – we were not authentic and true to ourselves. I travelled from Sydney to Los Angeles via the middle of china.

HL, it really is OK to shine and yes cry. Be true to you - be authentic to what you want in your life. Good for you for facing the facts Hurt llama! You will get there. Hugs.

[Hurt llama]

You are a wonderful human being Hurt and your post was a truly moving and honest account of where you have been - I see your future being a lot brighter.

A Healthy/Self Aware does not change their spots for anyone! And the right person for you will never expect you to change either - they will love you unconditionally. For whatever reason we chased conditional relationships - we felt loved if only we did x,y,z - we chased a person who was emotional unavailable only to find in the end - we were also unavailable - unavailable to those that were healthy - dysfunction is way more attractive to us when we are accustomed to it. It’s the norm.

Yes, for the time being we feel a huge void because we are no longer embroiled in the "excitement... .  addiction" of a Borderline relationship. Our partners were to us who we wanted them to be - for me - if I remove the magical thinking my ex was so incompatible beyond belief. I changed my spots to fit and he changed his to fit mine - we both got lost along the way – we were not authentic and true to ourselves. I travelled from Sydney to Los Angeles via the middle of china.

HL, it really is OK to shine and yes cry. Be true to you - be authentic to what you want in your life. Good for you for facing the facts Hurt llama! You will get there. Hugs.

Thank you very much for your encouragement and for sharing your story. I'll take the 'leap of faith' my ex asked me to take. I'll take the 'reset' she asked me to take but I'm doing that for myself and not sharing it with her. I have a mind numbing amount of short 'conversations' with her in my head throughout the day. I must have had 4 lengthy dream sequences last night of she and I meeting up again, full of imagery and the 'outcome' or 'conclusion' in every single one of them is the same. Nothing good. Ever.

That was the base line bottom line of my reality with her. Confusing, enthralling, mesmerizing, intoxicating, nauseating, dizzying, exhilarating and ultimately damaging.

In almost 6 years of knowing her and about 3 years after 'ending' the engagement that only until a few days ago have  I EVER broken free. All the rest was entanglement which I was easily an equal party to, perhaps even more than she was. That's a hard truth. My turn to take the advice I always told her about 'looking in the mirror'. I always boasted that I can look myself in the eye and acknowledge my own darkness, my own responsibility for creating things that didn't serve me in my life. I was more about making speeches and trying to 'help' her than I was about 'walking the walk'. I lost my way... . slowly... . I do forgive myself. I have to. I never had 'bad' or evil or any motivation other than to help her... .  except one thing... .  (this hurts)

By being in that 'position' (and I knew it and said it at the time) of being the 'coach' the 'teacher' the 'expert' I was not only setting myself up to be torn down from the pedestal ( told her that would happen too... . boy I knew it all, didn't I?, more importantly the focus onto her, her obvious dysfunction and all that excitement that came along with the package, served to take the 'light' off of my own problems, my own fears and my own fear of the VOID that existed BEFORE her.

The real reality now that there is no noise, no static, no drama is that I am left with the quiet dead space of my own life, my own reality and the fact I do have as much control as anyone could have of their future, is actually terrifying.

None of it makes sense and yet it makes complete sense.

BPD or not, being in love and enmeshed with a partner for so long, sharing each other's joys, problems, challenges and all of it is not easy to 'suddenly' end. (new definition of 'suddenly' is in order )

The process I am going through is part of the process of being alive.

I am still sorting out the differences in this ending with the few endings I have had with non BPD partners and I am wondering, that even if I do take personal inventory (which I have and am), are there special after effects from long term exposure and enmeshment (not blaming her for this at all really).

How does LC or NC differ to a Non from LC and NC in a 'normal' divorce or ending of a long term relationship?

My hunch is they are more similar than different as I have done both... . but man, there is something 'special' about living in Crazy Land for 6 years and wanting to get back on the ride that made you sick.

I never did that with my ex wife. I made the decision. It was brutal. It was a death. But I never vacillated. I never slept with her again. Not one time. Not one kiss and we slept in the same bed for a year as the process began.

I credit my ex wife and myself (mostly myself... .   but true) in a peaceful ending that was the best we could do for the children and for ourselves. It's interesting that I had ability to transcend a rather epic situation without even 1/100th the difficulty of the ending of the BPD relationship. But of course there was no infidelity and it was just a different relationship as well.

I'm rambling a bit... . One day at a time.

Thank you again Clearmind.