How to deal with the dishonesty

[byasliver]

Well, things were going better this week and this morning but then I discovered yet more dishonesty: hidden plans and spending and outright lies. This is the one thing I'm not sure I can handle anymore. I want to be able to so I can salvage our marriage if possible... .  but I just don't know. I discussed my trust issues with my T and how my uBPDh gets extremely defensive and angry whenever I try to discuss this with him. The decision then was to just decide not to discuss it with uBPDh until he could take ownership of his dishonesty. I was okay with that but now finding out that the lies are continuing... .  I really don't think I can continue to ignore my feelings and not say anything. Someone please give me some advice!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[byasliver]

After posting I realized it might help if I clarify what the dishonesty is: maybe I'm being overly sensitive and over reacting. uBPDh is out of town for a job interview. This  job is still VERY iffy and, since it is out of town, he has said he would discuss it with me before finalizing any acceptance should there be an offer. However, last night (the interview isn't until today) he was looking into apartments in that city and looking for one with a roommate. Now, I know part of that is the impulsive behavior and It's slightly relieving because it means he's not expecting to take our son with him. It also means he doesn't expect me to visit, either. Not so relieving. He went so far as to specify a move in date and set up a meeting this evening to see the apartment. Which brings up another lie: he told me yesterday that he wouldn't expect to get home till later than he originally told me because his interview time was changed to one hour later (at 5pm instead of 4pm). However, this morning he set up the appointment to see the apartment at 5pm which means his interview time did NOT change. He also just paid a nearly $200 speeding ticket he received when he went out of town a couple of weeks ago (with our son in the car) which he did not tell me about.

For anyone unfamiliar with my story, there is a LONG list of lies my uBPDh has told over the years but moreso in the last several months: from hidden money and debts, to communication with ex sex buddies, to spending he hides, etc. etc. The money and debts he has since admitted to (but w/o remorse or an apology) but the cheating always gets denied and/or turned around and blamed on me.

I have gotten to the point where I can deal with the past lies but the continuation is more than I think I can handle. I'm seriously considering telling him to call me before he heads home and telling him that if this issue can't be resolved immediately then he doesn't need to return home right now. I just don't think I can continue to live with someone who is so dishonest. Not saying the relationship is over but that maybe this is just a limit for me on how much I can deal with and I need to seek a better resolution than what I've been doing that obviously isn't working.

[fakename]

byasliver,

sorry to hear youre in pain... .  

just a caveat, i'm usually on the leaving boards, but i saw this and just wanted to say hi i guess... .  

my ex's dishonesty always crushed me. especially since i was so honest and always trying to do what i could to please her and make the relationship work.

its really rough and i dont know what to tell you... .  i miss my ex every day, and though i'm getting closer to moving on, its still all around hard for me at times.  but i do appreciate that i dont have lies or cheating in my life any more, as much as i miss her and the idea of her.

i guess just make sure to try to be aware of how it's affecting you and importantly your self esteem, self confidence and ability to trust your instincts.  despite the times i caught my ex in lies, i should always doubt myself or convince myself that maybe i was wrong because she would deny things to her grave... .  make sure to take care of yourself, maintain peace of mind, and be alert i guess... .  

wish you well

[byasliver]

Thanks, fakename (cute name, btw). I ended up spending over an hour on an email to him. I worked hard to take out any judgement statements or blame and to put in lots of validation... .  but still expressing my fears and concerns. I wrote it as a plea for help in our r/s rather than an ultimatum. I was just talking to my T on Tuesday about my feeling like there would be a "tipping point" soon in our r/s: where either I would reach my limit or he would buckle down and realize the need to change. I think today is that point.  I have strong faith and I've been praying  A LOT today... .  for strength, for guidance, for peace. We'll see what happens.

[byasliver]

UGH! Had a panic attack and deleted the email before it got to him... .  there needs to be an embarrassed emoticon!

[fakename]

hahah... .  did the email save in drafts?

either way, remember not to be hard on yourself and try to keep emotions in check. that took me a while to trian mself to do, but i felt that making my decisions without my emotions dictating them i had more peace of mind... .  

whether you stay with him or you end it, it's going to be difficult either way.  i'm almost 3 months no contact with my ex, and even though she tried a couple cheap and manipulative ways to contact me and gauge whether she could still control me, and i denied those attempts, even today i get tempted to try to help her 'see the light' or guide her towards making steps to help herself... .  it's a tough road with and without them and i can't say which road is better for you, obviously only you know that answer. i just hope that you take care of yourself