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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Tell exBPD you have gf/bf to get them away?  (Read 1940 times)
me757
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« on: April 27, 2013, 02:02:11 PM »

I haven't seen this question on here before but how do exBPD's react if you tell them you have a new gf/bf? I don't have a new gf but I was thinking of telling my exBPDgf that I did to get her to stop trying to triangulate with me and the guy she is engaged to... .  I'm sick of being basically used when her fiance (theyve only dated for 4 months) is out of town or not hanging out with her. Her and I dated for 5 months and broke up 5 months ago. Then basically days later she was with this guy and pressured him into marriage and for the last month has been engaged. Could this backfire if I tell her I have a gf and make her want me more or will it make her paint me black, which she never has done. I'm sick of making progress and then her coming back into my life screwing me up. She told me that she wished I proposed to her instead of him a few days ago... . but of course now she disappeared and is with him. Its sick and draining.
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Validation78
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« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2013, 02:33:50 PM »

Hi Me!

Why would you be dishonest with her instead of just being honest with yourself? By that I mean, acknowledge that maintaining contact with her, at least now, is not good for you. You have all the power to not answer her calls, emails, texts, etc., nor contact her. Isn't that a better solution ?

Best Wishes,

Val78
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me757
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« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2013, 06:12:01 PM »

Well, I'm not totally lying. There are a few girls that are interested. I guess part of it is to piss her off and give her a taste of her own medicine, part of it is to get that out there in the open, and part of it is to see what happens.

She won't let NC ever happen and I'm honestly not strong enough to not respond all the time. I was making so much progress but then I'm having a setback and just feel like doing something extreme. I don't know... . maybe its a bad idea but I can't take this triangulation (read definition) anymore. I'm more angry than depressed and its been hard because I only see her good side now that we aren't dating. The dark side is being hidden well and she seems like she has grown up a lot.
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Clearmind
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2013, 06:42:15 PM »

me757, my goal when I separated from my partner was to move through all my emotions without engaging, reacting or even responding to him.

My healing is about me. We complicate things and cause unnecessary drama when we make attempts to revenge.

You don't need to respond. Find the reasons why you cannot extract yourself from her. This is more about you than her.
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me757
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« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2013, 07:23:43 PM »

I think its because after we broke up I went straight into bettering myself, which brought her back into the idealization phase with me so its been really hard not to engage. I know that if I do I'll get that fix that so many ppl here talk about. The problem is that we don't recycle, or if we do it's only for a day, and then I'm left torn up all over again when she disappears. So you think I should just try to ignore rather than send an email saying that I'm done with the triangulation (read definition) and moving on to new people? I just need this to end because I'm left so drained. Its also hard because she seems like shes a lot better but its probably all an act. She isn't in therapy or anything.
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me757
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« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2013, 07:26:14 PM »

I also have to add that I have gone nc with her for 4 days as of now and maybe what I'm feeling is the withdrawal effects since we usually talk every other day. I'm ready to be done with this. I haven't felt normal since before I met her about a year ago.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2013, 09:13:21 PM »

Me, is there a reason why you want to send her a message to say "don't contact me"?

Its up to you to extract yourself - not her. If you are done with the triangulation (read definition) - don't engage in it.
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me757
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« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2013, 10:13:53 PM »

You're right. The main reason to send it would be to get back at her for triangulating (read definition), which is a waste. And you're right it is up to me continue to extract myself. It would just be easier if she would move on.
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delgato
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« Reply #8 on: April 28, 2013, 01:04:55 AM »

Its also hard because she seems like shes a lot better but its probably all an act. She isn't in therapy or anything.

After 5 months? I doubt she's better. At least in terms of her overall mental health.

If anything, I wouldn't be surprised if she's now "better," as in she has further "honed her craft" as she has learned from more experience. They can & do build up their "skills" like that.


I've run into one after several years. I, too, thought at first that she had gotten better. It certainly seemed that way.

I eventually learned that she had only become a more adept actress.


If you go down that slipperly slope of contacting her & mentioning that you have a new GF, this could possibly open a whole new can of worms... .  as in, she could try to figure out who & possibly meddle with the few interested girls that you mentioned. Do you really want to run that risk? I know I wouldn't.
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me757
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« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2013, 08:01:19 AM »

Honestly I wanted to say I had a gf to hurt her because she shoves the fact that she is engaged in my face... . even after we hang out and she says she loves me. Immature, I know... .  I'm going to try to go nc. She thinks her and I are cool now... . so maybe my revenge can be that I pull nc with no explanation... .
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