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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Trying to end it...  (Read 1292 times)
me757
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« on: April 28, 2013, 11:46:22 AM »

I tried to end it today. She messaged me on facebook and I told her I can't do this anymore and that we need to go nc. She called and we talked. She started crying, saying that she still loves me even though she is marrying someone. I deactivated my facebook and took her off my gchat. The conversation wasn't mean or anything. I just told her that I want to be in a new relationship soon and to do that I can't be triangulating (read definition).

She never got mad, nor did I... .  it honestly felt like I was breaking up with her again... . even though I'm single and she's engaged. Such a messed up situation. It feels good that I got all the stuff off my chest... .

Now the hard part will be if she tries to contact me. We both stated that we are addicted to each other and that we don't want to like each other... . but we do. She said she wanted me to propose and I told her I needed more time than a couple of months of dating. The new guy got pressured into it 4 months into dating her.

I'm 5 months out of the breakup with her but honestly... . it feels like day 1 all over again. I don't know how I'll be strong enough to go nc if she starts bombarding me with calls/texts. I fear that this "breakup" might trigger her to do something... . like either try to really recycle me or put that much pressure on her current relationship/engagement now that she doesn't have a back up. From your experiences, what do you all think this will do?
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me757
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« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2013, 11:52:23 AM »

I forgot to mention more context if anyone doesn't know yet. We were together 5 months, broke up 5 months ago... . she immediately started seeing the guy that she was talking to while we were dating the last month. She pressured him into marriage from day one, he proposed 3-4 months in. During all this time, her and I still saw each other. I had gone a month w/o seeing her after she got engaged but of course got sucked in last week when of course her new fiance was out of town. We ended up making out and it was like old times again... . Triangulation (read definition). Even today when I told her that I can't be doing this with someone whose getting married she said "i'm not married yet... . ", basically saying she still isn't sure about him. Hopefully this is the end with this proposition of nc... .
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heyhey
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« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2013, 12:28:14 AM »

Arn't you glad you didnt get engaged.  She would be doing this to you with someone else if you did, stay NC.
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me757
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« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2013, 12:40:45 AM »

I'm a good 12... .  hours into it Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). What is frustrating is that she says she wanted me to propose and then I tell her that I couldn't that fast and also because emotional and some physical cheating. It passes right over her head and most of the time I bring that up she doesn't even remember - which is insane. I think she lives in a constant delusion. The only thing is when I call her out on cheating on her fiance with me she cant bs that since its with me. I'm glad I didnt get engaged. It just sucks because when she is not being this way, she is great... . but then again maybe that is just mirroring.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2013, 12:43:34 AM »

Excerpt
She started crying, saying that she still loves me even though she is marrying someone

Please just read this part over and over then ask yourself if this makes any sense what so ever outside of a romance novel or movie.  This could be your life.

This is reality check for you.  Pick for your long range happiness and health.

Maybe consider what you want.

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changingme
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« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2013, 12:45:48 AM »

Triangulation (read definition).

The more I see this word the more I dislike it.  I struggled with this for so long, (before I knew about BPD) I thought he was confused, or a cheater, or not ready to commit and settle down and now I am learning this is a real trait for a pwBPD.  It is a real term and a common occurrence.  I thought I was the only one in the word going through this perplexing situation.  Now, I don't know if I should be empathic or relived or still hurt.  This one is going to take a while to process and reflect on.  

To answer your question, I think it could lead to a recycle... .  So stay strong!
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me757
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« Reply #6 on: April 29, 2013, 01:02:00 AM »

I knw what your feeling. For me when I realized that this ridiculous behavior was so common with BPD I felt more free. I think I partially blamed myself for the cheating... . but then after reading about it on here... . not anymore. Your ex probably has cheated on everyone before you just like mine did. Oddly, she was pretty open about that when we dated... . but it was always the exbf's fault.
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